u/JazzlikeChest9781

First some background, then a question.

​I am struggling a lot right now as I go through a divorce from my husband.

We were monogamous and eventually tried an open relationship. I wasn't particularly interested in it, but I wanted to support who he is when he came out to me as poly.

The thing is, I'm not a jealous person. I understand sometimes we find other people attractive. I am okay with that. I know that some people are more fun to do different activities with (imo this is what friends are for...), and I don't believe that I can be one person's perfect everything. I also am a quite independent person and don't mind my partner valuing their own independence as well (having their own hobbies for example). I don't care if my partner has same sex friends that they hang out with one on one, because I think people are just their brains and there are interesting people of all genders. I wouldn't even mind them hanging out with an ex, but I would mind cheating!

Yet within that, I want to love someone strongly. To be there for each other. To prioritize one another. To know each other deeply through time. Through the goods and the bads, and during the bads to say, "Let's work through this together and communicate."

The reason I wouldn't do nonmonogamy again is it isn't me. I firmly want to be monogamous. For my husband, being poly was his way of jumping from shiny toy to shiny toy. It was a way for him to avoid growing with me as a partner, working through issues, through the tough parts of marriage, and just going wherever was the most fun in the moment. He did this to his other partners too and they also got sick of it and so far 3/4 of the peoples he has dated seriously h​ave blocked him.

He​ fucked my head up a lot in terms of monogamy. He convinced me for years that nobody is really monogamous, that people shouldn't control each other, and that everyone always lusts for others and should be free to pursue that.

I know there are monogamous relationships of varying intensity, do you think what I'm looking for is possible to find? I feel like when I look on dating sites I see either poly people or super possessive people who don't want their partner to have same sex friends and stuff (and that's fine if that's you, but it's not me. I want to allow that kind of stuff but have trust).

I ​want someone who sticks by me when the times are tough. Who doesn't fuck someone else when I gain 20 lbs and am a little bit chubbier for 4 months because I was stressed from school. Who doesn't go on a date with his meta when we have a fight. Where our lips ​only know each other's. ​But where we are still very independent and loving. Where we can talk openly without jealousy, but we don't do anything physical. Where we don't cheat emotionally, but can be trusted within ​our friendships. Is anyone else like this?

My husband and I ​filed for divorce and I don't want to keep his last name, but my bachelor's degree, primary ​email, banks, passport, 9 ​graduate school applications, ​and citizenships in two countries are all in his surname ​name 😅

I was thinking I would love to change my maiden name to my grandmother's name, as I think it's a really lovely name ​and to honor her.

I started to think maybe it's not worth all the trouble. One thing I like about my ex's name is it kind of anonymized me because my maiden name was super rare and I like my online identity being more concealed this way.

However, ​if I get accepted into graduate school my degree will entail publications and so will my future career, ​so it feels like I should hurry up and decide on this with this before I publish anything. I also wonder, is it better to publish things with a rare or a common name? Does it help your science career more potentially to have a less common name?

​The biggest concern I have is the money ​of all this (both of my pas​sports ​are less than 1 year 😭) and one of my citizenships is German and usually buerocratuc stuff is a nightmare and takes forever there in my experience.

I was feeling great on filing. I h​ave tried making us work for years. He wants to sleep with other people (but not me) and I want a monogamous relationship. I tried my best but I can't do it anymore. He knows I'm filing.

I ​went and did it this morning at the courthouse. I was shaking when I got to the desk. 😔 The desk personnel were super nice to me. When I was walking home after filing I started crying. I'm horrified of how lonely the future is going to be.

I don't have children. My mom and dad are elderly and have some cognitive decline and live on another continent. I have no kids. No other family and ​I'm an only child. Friendships have always been difficult for me because they never last the test of time, moving, etc​. I'm really scared.

In 10 years, since the day of our first date, we have spent less than 5 days not together. I don't even think I have a codependency problem (I got some new hobbies this year: reading, exercise, and I'm going to go back to school). I just feel super alone.

Maybe this is just my low self esteem ​talking​ (which has plummeted during my marriage), but how do I know?

Because I know there is "​not being not their​ best self" and then there is actual narcissism. I strongly suspect he is a narcissist. He doesn't respect my boundaries, makes me very uncomfortable, and I think he thrives off it.

Today I had the realization that all these times he tries to make me jealous ​and insecure, would result in me trying really really hard to gain his approval and love. I think he loves me chasing him like that. I think he loves feeling like he's highly desired but that he doesn't give love easily.