u/JellyBelly2017

I had a baby a year ago and only just now lost a chunk of the weight I gained.

I was absolutely so excited and happy when I saw I lost x pounds. The hardest part of weightloss is starting, and I've gotten through the hard part.

I did this the healthy way. High protien balanced meals, and staying in a slight calorie deficit for the last 60 days. As time has gone on, my cravings are pretty much gone, and I feel like I have gotten over my junk food addiction/binge phase.

Now that a decent percent of my weight is gone, and im on track to hit my pre pregnancy weight by November, something keeps itching at me....

The urge to fast, counting every small calorie, not even cooking delicious nutritious meals anymore. Just doing fast and easy healthy snacks... lately if I dont make a giant protein shake to take to work, I wont consume any calories.

Im trying to not get obsessive like I did 4 years ago and end up back in the hospital...

I know my daughter needs me, and I need to be healthy and strong for her. She's only 1, but its only a matter of time before she starts noticing how I am with food...

I want so badly to join another dc and get back on ed twt, and just go all in. I see my goal... its in arms reach. But how I get there... is just a on going battle in my brain.

Like, I want to strength train and have some muscle and be lean. The other part of me wants to see every bone in my body visible again...

So today's marks 9 years since my dad passed. I know it sounds bad, but I dont care.

Few years ago, I moved my grandmother in with my husband and I because I didnt want her living alone anymore. So every year, the entire month of May, she is completely depressed. And she has every right to be, that was her only son.

My 3 sisters all collectively get together and grieve, and will send out messages in group chats like "thinking of yall on this sad day". Like, thats sweet. But im tired of pretending that this man was a good person.

My father was a raging alcoholic that did nothing but neglect and scream at me my entire life. The only thing that man cared about was booze, and what woman he could manipulate into buying him booze because the loser never had a fucking job. My experience with the man we call "father" was fucking awful. None of them had to visit him in prison every week, or blow in a breathalyzer for him so I could get to dance practice because the loser had to have beer for breakfast.

I could write a fucking novel about how much I hate that man.

Majority of their lives, they lived with our mother. So they hate her for their own reasons (pill addiction). But i was the one stuck with that unemployed drunk most of my life.

Every year they love to talk about what a great person he was, and how they miss him. Fuck that. Im tired of fucking hearing that shit.

The entire month of may, I just want to go on vacation somewhere and throw my phone phone away.