u/JewlyJournal

Talked to my therapist and told her a bit too much about my life I guess— she asked me if I’d ever wondered about bipolar 1. I told her not really… but after that I started recognizing things about me that I hadn’t really noticed as symptoms before… butttt upon further research it seems I’ve been through two pretty bad manic episodes in my life… one that landed me in the hospital— in fact the only symptom I seem NOT to experience is hypersexuality. I’m only 14 so you can imagine this is pretty startling for me. I’m supposed to see a psychiatrist soon so hopefully that gives me some more answers… uh… wish me luck I guess?

I’m on the ground, no— sidewalk.

The pitter-patter of the rain flying in flecks down toward me,

Then another noise, the ruffle of boots along concrete, and a coat flapping along in the humid wind.

Finally! A person! Yes, I cannot move, speak… they will see me, I am safe. 

I hear the footsteps stop and see a man staring lowly at me “My, this puddle is gorgeous, why look at that shimmer! The rocks laying still at the bottom!” 

Puddle?! I am no puddle! I am a person! And I cannot move! I’m in pain! 

He approaches further, “Well, it has eyes! A nose, lips, hair… yes, this is the most magnificent query of water I’ve ever seen!”

I’m confused. Does he not see I’m human? He said I have a mouth, eyes… a nose… why am I being treated as if I’m an object?

I try, with everything I can muster, to move. My hand twitches, “It moved! Oh my! Is it alive? No, something that looks like that must not have a brain, nor conscience, nor feelings. It is a puddle”

I pause, lost in thought. ‘Something that looks like that’? Because I shine? Because I have eyes, a nose, lips? Because I’m ‘gorgeous’? Why does that stop me from being human?

Can I not have feelings? A brain? A conscience? Am I just something to be admired, not helped, not cared for? 

He lunges down, examining my face, and whistles. “What a beauty, yes yes, I wish I had one like that,” he smirked “why, I would just take you with me if I could.” 

No. I would rather stay laying on this sidewalk than go with this man.

But he grabs my arm, gripping it with more force than I thought possible, and drags me across the ground. 

Only a few minutes pass though, before my vision turns spotty and my breathing falls light, I’ll never know what that man will do to me.  

After all, kindness is less natural than violence…

Love is harder than hate…

Tears can come in happiness as well as sadness,

Smiles in gratitude, but also desperation…

Love for your enemy, hate for your friend,

Nothing is whole, yet nothing is shattered…

Stars are dead, they don’t stare back at you,

Fire is alive, it steals what you lose,

This is how I know us humans are living, we take and we destroy and we die off and we consume…

But serotiny sprouts new life, and the birds gather, the bugs chirp, and the rain washes.

Fire also lights, warms, protects, cooks…

Fire is neither whole, nor shattered.

How odd it is, to say I miss someone I’ve never really met…

My heart aches for a beauty it has yet to witness.

What a curse it is to have all this affection and nowhere to put it.

I’d give you the key to my heart and let you strangle it until the blood bursts into my lungs. 

Because how would I not drown in something so deep as your love? 

How close can two people get before their bones break under the pressure?

I would let you put a collar on my neck, but for the record, you wouldn’t have to.

Can I nuzzle my face into your chest until my lungs are praying for the miracle of air?

I dream of you every night yet I still don’t see you enough.

My vocal cords tore from my body and ran after you, declaring my love.

A feeling so sweet it tastes like poison.

My heart tied ropes around my wrists and had me sing you beautiful melodies until my throat was raw and bleeding.

Sometimes I wish I could steal your eyes just to ensure they were always on me.

Take me hostage and don’t ever let me go. 

Please, slit my tongue before I spill all the ways I love you.

Kiss me of the neck and when that isn’t enough hold me so tight it hurts.

For a person so perfect you sure do have many flaws,

Yet I’ve forgotten that anyone else in life ever mattered.

My love is a thunder shower and you are the weeds, I wish you were the clouds my love.

Whisper nonsense into my ear until I stop trying to understand you.

Can we go missing together?

Can we leave behind the chaos and create our own?

Can we break our ribs just to prove a concept we don’t understand?

Can we sit in silence until our blood runs cold onto the gravel of the park, and shimmers under the moonlight as we hear the birds profess their love?

IM GONNA EXPLODE AHHHH 😭😭😭😭🩷🩷🩷🩷

Bad people, really bad people. Bad activities. Bad habits. Bad lifestyle. Why?

Looking for experiences from this school as I'm planning on transferring there sometime!

The assignment in question:

What is the problem or concern? William can no longer persevere under the pressure of his parent's expectations.

Who does this decision affect? This decision affects William and his parents.

Is this a moral decision? I would say there is certainly a moral component, but it is not the main point.

Does this decision have anything to do with love for God, love for myself, or love for others? I would say it has to do with love of self, and love of others. In fact; it is a sort of battle between the two. Whether William should continue to try for his parents, or give up and be happy at where he is in life.

What are all my options? William can either continue trying his best; but lose his motivation and happiness as a result, or stop trying to meet his parents' impossible standards and feel at peace, with the consequence of losing his parents' love.

Which options would be a loving choice? Both options are a loving choice, one is just loving for his parents and one is loving for William. Neither is "kinder" than the other. That would be a silly comparison.

What does my conscience tell me? If I were in this situation; I would wholeheartedly choose to make the loving choice that favors me over the one that favors my parents.

What does the Bible say? The Bible says that a child should respect their parents and follow their rules. But you know what else the Bible says? That parents should not set impossible expectations for their children, and that they should treat their kin with kindness just like they would an equal. Making a comparison solely off what the Bible tells us is simply not enough to make a smart and informed decision.

What does the Church say? The Church says the same thing as the Bible of course, why wouldn't they? Of course, the Church hardly ever cares about what's going on in your life if you aren't following the words of God; isn't that right?

What would the people I trust (parents, teachers, friends) say? The people I trust would likely say the same thing I'm saying.

What is the loving thing to do? As we mentioned earlier; both choices are loving, and it is not just to decide which one is "right". William ultimately ended up deciding to love for himself; and that is his choice. It is not something you can simply whip out a Bible to judge, you have never been in that person's shoes, you don't know what it's like.

What does God want me to do? Who's to say what God wants us to do? He cannot talk to us, lend us advice on our personal situations. All he can do is let us talk to him and hope we'll stumble upon the answer ourselves. I believe God wants us to learn how to make decisions for ourselves; is that not why he gave us free will? We will not always make the best decisions; but as long as we feel it is the right thing; and within our moral standards, we will learn.

What is my plan? William's plan ended up being to give up. Not to be weak; but to be strong. Giving up is not always an easy thing. It can be painful, grueling, it is not something you do without thought.

How have my actions affected my relationship with God? Honestly, I believe God would be proud of William for using his free will and making such an important decision. God is not a judging person; therefore, I believe he would understand William's reasoning for this.

How have my actions affected my relationship with myself? How have my actions affected my relationship with others? William ends up feeling like perhaps he had simply not tried hard enough before, ultimately mixing feelings of insecurity and freedom. His parents are very upset by his choice; but it is not their life, and quite honestly it should not affect them.