u/Jibble_Jaw

I (F20) have never been very smart. In my formative years I was quick to develop a lot of skills like basic reading comprehension, writing skills, musical skills and coordination.

Naturally my parents sort of "hyped me up" early on but at about the third grade I started falling behind my peers. It began in math and from there It felt like a steady decline and exhausting cycle of pushing myself, burning out and falling back. I remember teachers telling me that I was smart and capable but that I just couldn’t apply myself which was probably due to my (at the time) undiagnosed ADHD/ADD/Depression and anxiety.

I don’t think I can remember getting above 70% on anything. I have so many memories of everyone in class clamouring over their results and being pressed over 80-95% it got to a point where I didn’t even bother looking and when I did I just prayed for a 50%.

I feel so slow still, I can’t even trust anyone when they say that I’ve said something smart. I’ve started just acting dumb or playing stupid so that I at least have control over something. I would do anything just to be smart, I wish I could think properly and not have my words clouded or muddled before they leave my mouth. I want to remember the information I consumed and bring it up at later points. Honestly I feel so stupid I don’t even know what I contribute to society.

Sometimes I fantasize about getting hit in the head by something that makes me magically smarter or finding something that I’m really good at, but besides that I don’t know why I even try anymore.

I (F20) have always had bad mental health and am diagnosed with ADHD/ASD/Anxiety/depression when I was 18 I had a horrific experience with cannabis where I entered a type of psychosis. I entered another (very toned down) episode at about 19 from cannabis again (yes I know, bad decisions).

A few nights ago I entered another pretty bad episode that was from alcohol alone, which has never happened before (I’m a heavy weight alcohol wise and typically have a very high tolerance).

Whenever I enter these episodes it’s hard to explain exactly how I feel but it’s as if I’m looking at everything through a mask or like I’m a living puppet. I hate thinking about it too often as I’m worried about having panic attacks because of overthinking. I just don’t know what to do.

This may be a long shot but I’m wondering if someone could help me apply or get on the right track/channels for an oilfield medic position? I have some networking already but none in the oilfield.

I know that I will need an advanced first aid certificate (all I have is my standard) and am fully onboard for paying for it myself if I could somehow guarantee that I would be able to get that position. I am fully open to sending my resume for you to look over!!

I know work is tough to come by at the moment but anything would be greatly appreciated.