u/JonahHillsWetFart

hello again firehearts. this is the second part of my first reaction to TOG.

the last 3 books are very strong, but dense. i enjoyed them all thoroughly but i would probably not read KOA in its entirety again just because of the endless amount of battlefield loss. i do think that KOA is interesting because it shows SJM has the capability to write engaging scene from the middle of a war, which is my main criticism of >!ACOWAF!< (which really dulls my love for that book in general). and also while i would say EOS is in my top 3 of the whole series because of the characters, i do feel like it is written rather poorly from an editorial standpoint.

https://preview.redd.it/b2wtazm7iq2h1.jpg?width=3300&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=0d1b2b630d9e7b2ee149951cf594de96fafe5891

Empire of Storms:

this book was great. much fun. very thrilling. love every plot. EXCEPT i do feel like SJM really phoned it in and did my princess lysandra so dirty by having in her shifted for the majority of the book. i understand lysandra wanting to do it, to get out of the skin and trauma she had for the last decade, but it also felt like a nice way to not have to write real dialogue or motivation for a character in a bloated book with so many main characters.

• i s2g that weirdo lorcan better not do anything to elide. she has it hard enough. at least she’s looking for 2 people who are one in the same.
• okay babes, we are here to save humanity and rowan is like pressing his boner against you? i know there’s gonna be sex in this book but they still haven’t fucked yet but omg they are like dying for it. 
• oooooo erewhon got a mommy makeover. new body who dis?
• i love that the valg princes have like 2 personality traits. 1 being evil obvi. but 2 the love for being deep inside a gorgeous young man. they would go BONKERS for a grindr subscription. 
• “true to her oath, her breast were now smaller” well tbh she was probably having some back problems. no shame in a reduction 
• wren is pissing me off. she isn’t abandoning terrasen. obviously there is some shit she needs to do you fucking loser. he is really quick to switch up. last book aelin was so afraid of how aedion was going to react to her but ig wren was the one she should have been worried about 
• manon babes. you are just out handing you life debts left and right. it kind of seems like…… you’re not an evil witch after all. 
• omg “find me when you change your mind blackbeak” he is just so smooth. he is gonna teach her how to play pool. 
• what does your mom think about the whole squatter in her husband thing? she probably never even met the real him. 
• also are we just never getting mort again? i miss that freak. 
• rowan: “i don’t trust her (manon)” bro you literally JUST left a meeting where people were talking about your boo this way. maybe don’t be so judgmental you geriatric blond fuck 
• “on legs that bent backward” oh yuck 
• also lorcan is only a demi fae? that’s crazy. how tall was his human parent? he's bigger than rowan i thought.
• omg elide pulling a karen, do you know who i am???? wowie wow. she is so cool
• lorcan: “what is your name?” elide: "clare beddor"
• manon is having A Bad Day
• “witches did not mourn because witches did not love enough to let it break them”
• the yellow legs heir is a little snitch omfg 
• brooooooo kill this baba blackbeak bitch. i am sick and tired of her. oh of course she’s going to conveniently pick asterin. this is a I Don’t Think So Honey moment. no way in HELLLLLL is that happening. 
• “he loved his cousin but the thought of touching her like that made his stomach turn” well you could have fooled me 'cause he seem like he was in love with her. this is damage control for the last book i think
• “idk meave is old as fuck” -king brannon 
• oh meave is not natty bro
• “we do not wish. we do not hope” yeah but what if we did? i know thats radical but what if???
• oh shocking. another special paternity plot. 
• manon really is THAT bitch. it’s okay your old ass gma moved outta the way. you fuckin did that. truly blessed be the 13.
• gma don’t tell something so important before the final kill you old crone lmao
• you think your mother in law is bad? wait until you meet mrs baba blackbeak. she has no wool
• lorcan thinking about alide “she saved herself” yeah she did. you were kind of a huge loser in that fight but what’s new? 
• “husband 🥰” “brother 😡” lmfao
• lorcan calling elide a “she-devil” because she can knows how to handle social situations lmao and now he has a crush on one of the circus ladies??? he is a weirdo. i can’t get his vibe. everything he does or thinks is a complete surprise to me.
• okay miss maas i know i should have brought this up like 4 books ago but while naming the Bad Place Morath was good because it immediately sounds evil, it’s bad because it sounds evil because it sounds like Mordor 
• are you gonna tell gavriel about his son? since you’re were so quick to tell aedion
• oh SJM loves a male sex slave to a female queen…. girl
• i love lysandra. i love how blunt she is and how she sees the world. i love her she’s there for aedion and aelin. i jus think she is the best. and she’s truly like the 3rd most powerful being after dorian and aelin lol 
• why do we keep bringing up lysandras titty size?
• diana has silver flames and 2 sisters. is she nesta? 
• “i am going to marry you” omg to her freaky sea monster form lmao she better fucking live sjm or i s2g
• oh i don’t think the excuse “magic is hard to weld sometimes” is really going to win people over. 
• if i hadn’t read ACOTAR first i would be soooooooooooo confused at this graphic sex scene 6 books into a young adult series. they had some cute moments and thoughts about love. i still don’t care much for rowan
• the people of the town were fatigued of roaming carnivals lmaoooo imagine your village is just plagued by carnies. never ending jugglers and people with beards. 
• what lorcan lacked in charm he made up for by being insanely HOT SEXY OILED UP 
• okay sjm can we please use something other than “sinful mouth”? it’s been over used at this point. 
• bro was too HORNy thinking about elides SINFUL UNTOUCHED MOUTH to hear the carnival being ATTACKED 
• first chaol mention like 50 chapters in lol
• put elide in the dunk tank so she can become immoral and give her maeve. i wanna see her at her deadliest. 
• them relying on lorcan to ge the other 2 keys is like so fucking stupid. 
• “i don’t think you can handle the sort of things i need witchling” um wtf is that? something really kinky or something really emotional? “and i’m am never beggin for anything again in my life” ow that hurt my heart 
• manon you better shut up because you’re writing checks you need to cash wit all this making him beg talk. 
• this is a fuck boat. and the two old ass fae are just kind of there…? lol like sjm forgets about them until aedion needs some awkward drama with his daddy
• please please pleaseeeee no pregnancy plots. everyone better be taking their contraceptive tea
• how pissed would you be if no one noticed that was you? this is like helly r and helena eagan. like that sucks. but fenrys is forgettable at this point.
•  “ugh another talker” lmaooooooooooooooooooo
• aelin is body shaming the blood hound 
• “i have no interest in human women. too breakable” ow. that really hurt my heart. 
• am i toxic because i like elide and lorcan? def more than aelin and rowan. that “i will always find you” shit is mad cute. 
• elide where did all this rizz come from??? you’ve been trapped in a tower by your weird uncle for like a decade but you’re so smooth and making this old ass loser lorcan blush n shit. giving HIM kisses. that is WILD 
• lmao cockblocked by an evil ilkan storm damn. i hope you get laid elide. you deserve it. 
• empire of storms? empire of everyone is getting laid this summer. 
• “tell me it’s not under 20 feet of water?” hmmmmmm like the mask in the swamp that my death queen nesta had to go get???
• i do kind of feel like the shape shifting is an excuse to not have to write anything for that character. 
• ughhhhh i hate when they pretend like they weren’t just about to bang in a cave like 24 hours earlier. y’all need to just talk it out.
• “lorcan. mama meave told us to kill you 👉🏻👈🏻 pwease you know we have to 😢”
• omg is lorcan gonna die right after he feels love for the first time????? sarah. quit messing around. don’t let this weird ass old man die. he was just learning to love.
• theres too many people in 1 place at the same time. Aelin, Dory, Aedion, Manon, Lysandra (who no longer speaks ig), Elide, Rowan, Aedion dad, the spirit of Kaltain, that one dude that has a twin, a freaky mirror, an Lorcan. did i forget anyone?? and still, no one gives a fuck if chaol can walk or not. 
• everyone is fighting over elide 🥰😭 my girl is so SPECIAL. but also she isn’t a child. they don’t need to infantilize her so much. she has been a badass
• i lowkey feel bad for lorcan. like he is a dick but he just was about to bone elide and now everyone is keeping them apart. he is like 500 years old and blessed with death god powers so i get it, i do. but she can fix him, i swear 
• who tf is the beach lady? who is wearing a cloak on a beach?!?! you’re gonna get sand in that thing. 
• i get that the reader needs to either be slightly behind or slightly in front of character but i hate that this story has largely been from around pov yet we always end up like everyone else, seeing her plans in action instead of watching her come up with them and lay down the bricks.
• omg aeidon is a bi king. this is like mor coming out in the middle of the war. are we going to meet the commander in the bane that is his former lover?
• awww. idgaf about ansel but that’s very sweet of her to attempt to get to endovia and free celly 
• yea where tf is abraxos? you didn’t put an air tag on him or something? oh are you about to take dorian for a bounce instead of finding YOUR BABY??? manon this is jobless mother behavior. “i can’t think of better uses of my hands. invisible and flesh” omggggggggg oh talking about killing her baba and her nipples go hard lmfao okay
• sjm if you kill abraxos but won’t kill a main human-esq character then it’s on sight 
• “we need to talk” omfg you’re making me sick old man. you’re on thin ice. don’t piss me off. i love elide. i love a normal fucking girl who fights to survive. DONT fuck w her. 
• uh oh. everyone’s ex gf meave is popping off. 
• sarah you’re introducing too many people now. idc about rowan’s cousin or his husband. i can’t keep track of this shit. 
• sorry this is random but i actually think aelin would get Joe Goldberg. idk two freaky readers who kill for those they love and love to plot and plan and assume fake identities. i just think there’s a kindred spirit there. 
• ugh we’re visiting elena??? this guy suckssssss. she is like the least helpful character ever. might as well just not even exist. she said look to your right one time and suddenly we just trust her cryptic ass. 
• malla: “i will not remember you” yikes. deadbeat mom alert
• “not just gods but beings of a higher different existence. time was fluid and bodies were to be shifted and molded. who would exist in multiple places and spread themselves wide like nets being thrown.” so actually this is a compact set. and when you are in a generic metric space, and not just the reals (R), you get compactness if every open cover has a finite subcover. this lets us deal with the infinite through finite terms, and that makes something actually useful. thank you for attending my Real Analysis and Topology lecture. there will be a quiz.
• oooooooop girl!!!!! aelin is the lamb and you are the slaughter elena you loser
• “you will know her by her eyes” which no one else did some how 
• why does manon have to be here for this? just seein what a fuck up elena is. there was hardly any cochran tea. at least tell her if abraxos is okay 
• damn the 12 show up. girls get it done 
• manon has been a fucking NPC for the last 2 hours. 
• seeing my man get dishonorably discharged and then CRAWL to his nasty ex queen would give me the ick 
• okay the lysandra pretending to be aelin and then having kids with aedion sire the children is FUCKING WEIRD and a BAD PLAN 
• ahhhh a below deck style wedding. i dig it. 
• wow chaol is having like island birthday sex and therapy and getting to walk again and all this is happening lmao 
• oh they have a mating bond so that’s why they can hear each others thoughts? 
• wow all these people showed up just a minute too late huh? 
• is rowan going alone? omg he took her last name. how progressive. 
• omg i stayed up until 2am to finish this book. her strongest endings are ones like these. cliffhangers, lots of slow burn and talking.

 

ALM Pyramid:
top: this is like in high school when everyone gets into a relationship at the same time
bottom: let my girl lysandra speak!!!!!!!!

Tower of Dawn:

another hit for me. love the tension at the castle. love yrene. don't care for nesryn's storyline but good for her. i also think chaol gets his own little nesta moment through therapy.

• sealed document stating who the heir is is about like logan having that paper in a safe with ken’s name. was it underlined or crossed out??!
• you would think that a ruthless ruler like him would appreciate an assassin? she could kill all your kids
• oh getting bitter about no baby shower present??? do you realize what has been going on there? post this on aitah
• also are we just calling the blond guy perrington? i thought that body of the old man was useless
• oh no mister nancy drew is back on the case
• oh thank god chaol can still get boners. i was worried.
• def getting some dune vibes in this book. will one of the sons become a worm? only time will tell. 
• the little intake/pre-lim interview between C I and N was delicious. will this be the first 3-sum??
• “i think i can heal him” but girl, can you FIX him???
• i love the spooky shit. murder in the library 
• i dont trust this zyrtec bro “there’s much beauty in my fathers lands but there’s much lurking under the surface too” sybau
• "if someone offers you a collar don't let them." Is it like normal for people to go and offer each other these little chokers? I’m confused about how often this situation comes up that it wouldn’t already just raise a red flag.
• “my story isn’t worth knowing” my guy were on book 6. get over it. 
• chaol pulls nezra in for a kiss. oooooooooooo. there was no heat in the kiss. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh
• these royal siblings are freaky all hanging out smoking opium 
• ooooooo chaol is atheist. 
• “he wished he could walk so he could crawl to her” i think there is some submissive kinks that chaol should explore………. he def likes a dominate lover
• “together. live or die here; together.” well that’s kind of a bummer lol i thought this scene was gonna be sexy not scary “things she had learned to save… not end” 
• oooooo okay we get a little scare and now we get a “have to share 1 bed” situation. delicious 
• …., the spiders …… are valg,,,,.???….. that’s foul. that’s so annoying. 
• did the spider call manon sister or something? i’ll need to go back and relisten to that 
• oh falcon was a shapeshifter?! is he related to lysandra? why is he a shapeshifter? lmao wtf did everyone else know this about him??? he’s such a weirdo “i flew here as a falcon” how original. bro just shapeshift to look younger and hotter???
• chaol had never had properly seasoned food before smh 
• lookie. i am a professional hater. but was falcon like necessary? did we need to bring him back into the story? also. being named a bird when rowan is like a hawk or some shit? and the rooks. too many fucking birds. 
• i do lik that SJM uses falcon to explain shapeshifting since lysandra is always in ghost leopard form and no one wants to bother her and she isn’t speaking much these days 
• yrene is a professional rage baiter 
• omg something bad is about to happen. they just said nasty shit to each other and he’s standing. now kith!!!!
• add “kissed one side of her mouth and kissed the other side” to the list of banned phrases. this has been written like 10 times sarah. you need to find a better way.
• yrene licked the sweat from chaol and made him moan so loudly a servant came to tell them to stfu omg she is a super freaky girl
• “i’ll race you” “the prize?” “a kiss. when and where of my choosing” girl he wants to eat you out lmaoooo
• chaol speaks like an old man. i think that’s part of his issue. no rizz. just unc. look, is he my favorite? no. but i enjoy his scenes more than other peoples scenes,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, so he’s like middle of a pyramid. soft rich boy who played army soldiers until it became real. 
• girl this birthday party is a TRAP. with friends like that dumb bitch hasar who needs enemies? were they drugged????
• look i’m kind of dumb. a statement like “or under the chair” would have gone over my head. i would have been like “well that’s not how the saying goes but sure ig”
• birthday sex. birthday sex! and it’s her second time with the chaol mr silverlake? omg enthusiastic consent 
• omg while chaol is falling in love and getting bounced on, nesryn and zyrtac are experiencing death by sexy valg spiders ooops 
• maeve is teh queen of the valg?????? oh brother. she is such a freak. bet she WILL try to fuck erewhon
• nesryn trying to buy time “wow that is soooooooo cool that meave is queen of both the fae and valg. that’s like so awesome of her. it would be my dream to hear a very long and detailed story about it. pretty please”
• oh damn meave was trying to leave her freaky ass husband and he basically put locks on all the doors. this is a SNAPPED episode. omfg leave wasn’t a sister?????????????????? brooooooo omfg that’s good. you got me good. she fucking mindfreaked them 
• omfg. nesryn just almost died from the spiders but got some hot tea. aelin and manon are in some freaky mirror. the old ass fae warriors are facing death against their mother lover. and chaol and yrene are like still thinking about bonin while trying to get back to the healers compound. priorities people. 
• chaol only has sympathy for what aelin did because he got over nesryn and fell for yrene lmao okay buddy YOURE ON THIN ICE 
• chaol…. you just went through like DBT or something. you could have done therapy months ago and it would have avoided a lot of the pre-king breaking your back trauma 
• omg finally a man throws up. SJM always writes about women pissing and barfing on themselves. 
• the most unrealistic thing about SJM books is that all these men are like crazy good at sex. the numbers don’t add up. the only ones who were bad were some randoms nesta picked up. 
• nesryn almost died and is having a meetin of the rook clans and chaol is like GET HOME ASAP meanwhile chaol and yrene are lounging in bed, taking baths, fuckin, eating. like not a care in the world. 
• hasar go away. we have things to do and you’re just a bitch. also who tf are your spies? how can they send info so quickly? 
• omg yrene has fully drank the chaol kool aid. that’s fine. he’s okay. but when he meets up with everyone is he going to immediately know that’s not aelin? will nesryn try to introduce falcon and be like uhhhhh where’s lysandra? is aedion going back to his former lover in the bane? how sexy are the bane? 
• no one notices or cares about a pregnant woman so i think that’s the ultimate lesson here. 
• yrene running her mouth. that’s the type of woman chaol likes. look, i can’t fault him. he’s a fuck boy from silver but he has good taste in women. 
• evil monologue!! evil monologue !! too bad no warriors are on their way here…….. but that old lady might die. not sure yet tbh. but if Irene goes to morath then the witches and domain are headed there right?
• omg bitch got hit with a chair lmao wwe oh fuck it was just wood. wow cheap ass bitches. but also, tbh that baby in duvea is gone. it’s past time. 
• conga line of healers 
• these guards are fucking useless. 
• okay so the valg do partake in some gender norms and conformity because it wasn’t a prince in duva but a princess 
• idk why but nesryns last chapter is making me cryyyyyyy
• “i wonder if she (the stranger from the inn) will return for this war” babe she is kind at at the epicenter of it. like this is her war but she is also a pow somewhere with meave so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 
• i’m crying in the middle of a whole foods lol

 

ALM Pyramid:
top: yrene deserves nothing but the best and chaol is hot and would die for her so it's really not the worst - huge lore dump about meave that was insane - freaky murder mystery

Kingdom of Ash:

this book was not much fun. it was really stressful. i did thoroughly enjoy it! it also makes me even more upset at the end of ACOWAR because my big complaint there is that the war is rushed and has no stakes. this baby has stakes. this has loss. this takes it's time. i do think this was a strong finish to a very long series. there are choices made that i don't really understand but the end product is happiness so i can't really complain. will i give it a relisten? not anytime soon. i need more serotonin for that.

• omfg i’m already crying. seeing evangeline. aedion being so cold and distant to kasandra. 
• okay i took a break to scroll reels to stop crying and i kept getting shown edits of Hayley Williams and Taylor York lmaoooooooooo 
• okay gavin is up there on the LOSER list. elena gave up her immortality for him. and he has had a thousand years with her some shit and doesn’t want the world to be saved because she’ll be gone 
• rowan is hanging out with his old coworkers for the first time outside of work and is like “well this is kind of weird” 
• classic tattoo regret. especially for a face tattoo
• also i didn’t write this in the EOS notes but meave was trying to set up like 5 year old aelin with like 325 year old rowan. PREDATOR WEEE WOOO PREDATOR ALERT 
• omg for the first time like ever chaol won’t be the debbie downer because he’s the only one in a functioning and close distance relationship 
• maybe it’s just me but i do like that maeves backstory is like bored wife of valg king, ran away, got followed by her annoying brother in law, manipulated these 2 sisters into thinking there was always 3 of them, and then just coasted. 
• “the final key was at Morath” i guess i thought we all knew that? or was it just not previously confirmed? 
• damn manon is pro dad. i didn’t see that coming. but maybe she sees a reflection of herself in him and if he can be redeemed then she can to 
• “shifterrrrrrr” ooooop that little morath freak clocked you girl sorry bout it
• omfg they drugged those annoying old men and then just moved camps the middle of the night 
• how did aelin and fenrys come up with the blinking thing? did she voice it or did he one of the few times he was allowed to shift int fae form? 
• ajm hates to see a twin coming 
• “nothing. he wished to be nothing” my little nesta
• “manon stood as high as the tent would allow” lmao she hit her fucking head on that thing and had to hunch while trying to deny her love for dory and his love for her
• wow so we can just…….. snap the blood oath by being upset enough?? 
• okay i was worried that her rescue scene would feel too clean and easy but i think this worked well. very emotional and highly charged. i knew she would get out obvi but at what cost AND they’re going back for fenrys, very nice very nice. i’m having a caffeine induced panic attack but it’s making me misty eyed. and it lowkey reminds me of Ever After. which is one of my all time favorite movies. Danielle saves herself from that guy, and Prince Henry rolls up to save her, but she’s walking out on her own. 
• is no one coming to this tent? like is everyone in the camp dead or something? rowan seems to have a lot of time to assess the fenrys and karen situation.
• okay someone needs to get aelin an ativan or xanax asap so she can sleep while they figure this shit out
• damn another blood oath and it still ain’t aedion. now he’s gonna be twice as pissed at her
• you can’t survive on rabbit alone. it’s too lean, not enough fats and carbs. 
• i do just want to say that sorschas death wasn’t really your fault. she waaaaaaas spying and sending info to the rebels and got caught because she didn’t properly dispose of a half written message. if you weren’t so horny then she wouldn’t have been interrupted in writing it but she was gonna get caught eventually i’m sure 
• my 16 inch baddie 🖤🖤🖤 she’s my queen that was promised
• kaltain said “i overcame the collar because i knew i was too good for it” i know that’s right 
• oh no he actually turned into a raven. bran the broken? the true king
• okay aedion. you have a point but lysandra is not useless. and do you think lysandra could stop aelin from doing this? aelin does what she wants, this isn’t lysandras fault. 
• aelin ashryver galathynius whitethorn. are we set that on? is there any wiggle room to optimize it? it’s just a mouthful. what about white-river-thynius? idk that’s kind of cute or gala-ash-thorn
• maybe this is insensitive but i hate the “just tortured and now their personality is aloof and pulled back while they adjust and work through the trauma” i know i knowwwwwwwwww but it is not fun for me as a reader to get through that. perhaps that is part of the point but i’m also here for a good time. a tall order in this universe but these are my notes and i can complain if i want to.
• on the boat, elide and aelin are pissing and maybe shitting in a bucket. but do fae males not need to pee or poop? i get they can piss off of the side but i’m confused why only elide and aelin needed the bucket and aelin is in fae form. am i thinking about this too deeply? maybe. but sjm is the one who brought this up. i’m just asking a reasonable followup. 
• oooooo are elide and lorcan going to make up??? are they going to work it out on the remix ie this weird underworld boat?
• chaos dad: “your wife is pregnant” wtf pop pop you’re crazy. did you have her pee on some wheat and see if it blooms?
• omg damn a THIRD blood oath and none for aedion ashryver 
• manon and her little MLK I have A Dream speech 
• more about aelins 28 inch buss down 
• “i served her for 500 years and i just thought her to be immortal and cold” “sounds like a valg to me” lmaooooo elide always reads him for filth 
• can all my couples please kiss and make up???? there’s too much tension. 
• “i nearly crawled for you. but it takes me nearly dying for you to see me as human” ouch my heart. “i wanted it to be you. and you threw me into the snow” 
• chaol. you should kill your dad. i don’t think there is any real down side to it tbh
• omfg this chick just has a claim on every throne huh?
• okay sjm, you don’t need to bring up her blood relation to rowan like 5 books after i questioned it. i moved on. we all moved on. 
• okay but imagine manon and dorian when he is shifted into that crochan 
• wow being a yellow leg matron aint easy huh? they keep dying 
• i mean manon, why did you take your eyes off of your gma? you could have just called out for astern????
• oh my baby elide is the only one who noticed lorcan was gone. rowan seemed to gaf at least but she’s the only who can find him 😭 they better fucking kiss and makeup after this. i need one of my couples on good terms i s2g
• lmao lorcan is trying to die on my girl and she just claws into him and forbade it. it’s lowkey crazy he didn’t love her until she almost KILLED HERSELF to not get taken by her loser uncle and then rowan is like “guess i’ll just watch. it’s all i can offer them ¯\_(ツ)_/¯” 
• omg manon is so cute coming into dorian’s tent with her crown on, sitting holding her knees. and then her asking him to marrying her and then them fucking while she’s still wearing that crown lmao 
• ugh this bitch gets one insanely powerful prisoner after another huh?
• is dorian naked when he shifts back to a human? no, because he still has his fucking sword so why is lysandra always buck ass naked when she shifts? is fae shifting different than shape shifter shifting? because rowan also comes back to his body with his clothes on.
• ugh i know dory is just playing a game to get out of getting kidnapped by meave but i don’t like the things they’re saying lmao
• omg a roland mention like 3 books after he died
• meave calling dorian her future husband is disgusting. now THATS an age gap relationship. 
• erewan smells nasty “putrid smell”
• oh and dorian is in the cuck chair for some erewhon aelin roll play. oh he will NOT like the manon roll play. omfg maeve you’re being so naughty
• “don’t you think it’s rude to leave without leaving a note” lmao okay that was cunty “there is only one witch who will be my queen” oh my heart
• lowkey i’m confused about dorian being in maeves head and what was real physically and what wasn’t but i’ll dig into that on my relisten 
• wow the weaponzoed mass suicide of the iron teeth and then the 13 
• i’m cackling. SJM just called the king "the king" over and over and just like papa archeron we all accepted it. and now he’s like Nameless. son, what is my name? and his son is like uhhh good question 
• nesryn is like “that ball was alright. nothin compared to a party in the southern continent but it was cool ig”
• RE: dorian sr. so did they magically remove his name from family trees and people’s memories? i don’t really get the mechanics of that whole thing 
• omfg fleet foot mention in the last chapter. honestly…. did we need fleet foot? what if we got mort back?

 

ALM Pyramid:
top: happy endings
middle: good tension, battles, blood, loss, it was just a longggg book and very little hope for a lot of it
bottom: why can no one keep their god-level powers??? let someone besides feyre keep their fucking powers for once sjm

hello firehearts. this is a follow up post to my ACOTAR reaction. well it's been two months, i'm done with finals, and i have made it through (which is ~160 hours of audiobooks not counting relistens). my overall thoughts, it was a good series. definitely a big tonal shift from acotar, and some of the actual writing felt like it needed another pass with an editor, but i almost feel the books exist in 3 different groups, tog by itself. com+hof+qos as one story. and then eos+tod+koa as the final in the trilogy. where AB falls into that is left as an exercise for the reader.

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(because this post is like 60k characters i have to break it into 2 parts.)

Throne of Glass:

this book definitely didn't grab me right away, and it wasn't until the murders started happening that i really cared about the story. having gone back now and relistened a few time, especially after later books, there are soooo many easter eggs throughout this book. i think it's good, not great, but def not my least favorite of the bunch. sjm does some, imo, lazy writing in a few scenes where instead of describing or listing something she'll just say it was listed. like the books chaol likes to read, or when dory teaches celly how to play pool. and going from the fuck fest that was silver flames to this was a culture shock.

• hey really thought THE ASSASSIN would be confused by walking around in circles? bush league 
• the prince finds me hot and sexy even though im dirty? you don’t say 
• oh this is a working trial. unpaid
• “why can’t i just be champion?” “because why would a king trust an assassin?” honestly fair point 
• she’s 18, skinny, and she’s gonna save her people 
• “you’re a criminal. i’m a captain of the royal guard” oh are they gonna fuck? 
• she’s too beautiful. and too good at killing. all the other assassins were jealous of her. 
• “you must be…?” “<insert real name>” “keep that to yourself miss” YOU ASKED HER?
• ohhhh dorian has daddy issues
• oh your highness has a big HEART? hmmmmmm is she gonna fuck dorian?
• uh oh our girl is in a skinny off with miss 16 inch waist 
• “my mother must be writhing in her grave… i wonder who she is” “your mother?” okay that was a good one nameless flankie
• “i need my pipe. i feel a headache coming on” okay i love this diva. idc if she’s a villain
• gf are you really trying to commit sloppy broad daylight murder on your first day here? i thought you were the best of the best?
• dorian’s little fanfic about her being a jewel thief is so fucking stupid i love it. he’s weird 
• “bill the eye eater” ate the eyes of his victims. oh. okay. florals for spring? ground breaking
• no but chaol a good point about her not putting a target on her back. like in survivor. you shouldn’t win a bunch of tasks 
• <corrects someone’s grammar> “watch your mouth” okay that feels like an over reaction 
• dorian is too much of a slut for this princess 
• “she thought about telling him to shut up” this girl does not give a fuck
•  “i hate fish” “that’s surpising” oh is he gonna make a lesbian joke or something? “why” “bc you smell like one” diabolical 
• someone not eating the eye eaters eyes seems like a missed opportunity 
• dorian has daddy issues AND mommy issues 
• the eye eater was treated like a jackolatern and dorian is like “it was probably just a drunk brawl” okay buddy 
• nice dichotomy of dorian and captain of guard watching her sleep and dorian being like “she’s no killer” and what’s his face being like “there’s a killer deep within her” also are those two gonna fight over her? chaol brought her a present???
• dark lord Erewhon. los angeles influences are the villain 
• CSI Otterland. this is like if Nancy Drew was a hot 18 year old assassin
• chaol had her “walking on her hands and juggling swords during practice” so… circus shit? she’s training for the big top?
• “for once i’m not destroying, i’m creating”
• elena is actually annoying. she is unhelpful and purposefully obscure. she is at the bottom of my Abby Lee Dance Company pyramid
• i do lowkey feel bad for Kaltain. or is she gonna be a mega baddie? the headaches are concerning.
• cain was upping his roids every day. not natty. get a hormone test in here.
• okay i feel like everyone was too casual about cain grabbing his throat and running away, hopping like a rabbit?
• oh she’s smoking OPIUM? OH MY GIRL she loves a downer
• dorian is like “why were you an assassin? what was your life like before you were assassin? tell me all your childhood trauma????” bro read the room. things were obviously not going great for her
• this girl is having a bad period and cpt of the guard is like “the brutality of the slaughter of the rebels makes me sick too” lmaoooo
• when she catches nehemiah reading in the library “what are you reading?” “nothing” “i thought you were an illiterate bitch?”
• i do feel like homegirl should be sharing more about what is happening. she is holding onto a LOT of information
• i have to give it to SJM. she’s like what’s the ultimate FOMO for these loner 19 year old girls? a big ass party. 
• “you should name the dog Gold…ie” “that’s a fucking stupid name. i’m going to name her… Fleet Foot” celener, that’s a fucking stupid name 
• when she left the ball while dorian was getting a drink and then dorian is waiting for her at her door… that dude RAN down the halls. you was probably out of breath and sweaty. 
• girl you are in trouble. nothing good came of this. you were ready to kiss the captains guard and then you just made out with dorian. and capt is outside watching her!!!!! omg that is embarrassing “she never bothered to look below” 
• sorry princess nehemiah. celly Keyser Söze’d you and i also thought you were an evil witch. so we both need to apologize to you
• oh no. my 16 inch waist, opium queen is taking the fall.
• i’m honestly surprised it took this long for nehemiah to be targeted by the king so obviously. she is clearly not there in good faith. 
• there is truly a crazy power dynamic between dorian and celly
• look i get her not wanting to continue fucking with dorian. but it does look bad lol i’m on her side!! she is right but this is a bad situation 
• i just feel so bad that my 16 inch waist sugar baby diva got PLAYED by that crusty dusty nasty old man

 

ALM Pyramid:
top: chocolate cake.
middle: 16 inch waist baddie - yulemas.
bottom: being jealous of your best friends new hookup - the prison industrial complex

Crown of Midnight:

this book was pretty much non-stop fun for me. i loved the story line, i loved how everything progressed and so many big pieces of info were exposed. my only issue is that i'm bad with names so the end reveal actually meant nothing to me. i was like "who is that?" and had to go back into my notes to see what the big deal was. but this book had it all, romance, heartbreak, plans upon plans, and my girl kaltain was a scene stealer as always.

• the king DEF knows nehemiah is a spy. she doesn’t hide it. and i bet the last name on that little list he gives you is your own name. 
• cain is gonna come back duncan idaho style?
• “he loved her so much that she still felt the echoes of it”
• i love mort. i love whimsy. i love magic. i love personification of inanimate objects  
• dorian and celly coming to blows at the dinner is like early season VPR vibes. honestly this whole court drama is like peak VPR. i miss vpr. they don’t make em like they used to. kaltain is lala
•  LOOK. I KNOW CALTRAIN WAS A BAD(die) in the last book but i do feel for her and she’s being abused in the prison. i truly feel awful thinking of her down there. like just kill her or send her away. but they wanna use her
• my girl int eh prison talking about mirrors…. the book is crown of mirrors… hmmmmm. (editors note it wasn't until my second listen that i realized it's MIDNIGHT not mirrors. but mirrors feels better tbh because mirrors are brought up like a lot)
• “for once the right person was in prison” gf you killed ppl for a living. you did lowkey belong in a prison 
• girl how fucking gullible are you? this dude is like “oh no. i’m NOT. traitor. nothing close. but i do know a bunch of them and could give you info. but remember im not one of them” 
• chaol and celly: from enemies to friends to coworkers to lovers 
• dory and celly: enemies to employee to lovers back to employee and friend
• you’re gonna invite this lady to sing for you and then behead her?!?! that’s inhospitable
• i would just be immediately obsessed with Mort. he reminds me of the guys in Labrityh 
• i like the call back of Chaol watching her dance on her balcony after she kissed dorian for the first time on yulemas and Dorian watching her and chaol dance while she’s on watch duty. she’s a shite guard btw 
• side note: it just now occurs to me that i have been confusing courtesan and courtier. so in silver flames when cass is asked to be a courtier i did think rhys was asking him to have sex with someone. 
• oh nehemiah clocked dorian’s powers and then he immediately erupted like a sleeper agent lmao
• oooop nehemiah is on the kings kill list. tbh she really wasn’t being discrete. but her and dorian would be cute. they could run off together?? 
• why are we trusting roland so easily? you can’t play a player dorian. 
• why wouldn’t dorian want to tell celly about his magic? she obviously wouldn’t be grossed out by it. 
• oh no carnie trash is coming to town
• “what would a man who smells of the Silver Lake do to an old crone like me?” oh so he smells like a hipster??
• baba yellowleg is a FOUL name 
• the whole birthday horse gift, celly being like we have a romantic dinner planned scene is SO WEIRD. there is so much tension between all of three of them. like y’all need to be a throuple because you each have a crush on the other 2. 
• so what would have happened if she touched the wall? does she teleport out? is she freed? is she the new king? like did i miss the explanation for this? i can’t google it because i’ll for sure get some fuck ass spoiler 
• “i’ve sleep in worst places [than the couch]” “i think my worst places is worse than yours” did that make you feel better saying that celly? was it necessary? do you always need to one up someone when they make an innocent comment? 
• dorian is so desperate he’s doing genealogical research like a kid in 5th grade during the ellis island module 
• “it’s the fae woman’s garden from rena goldsmiths song” hey qq, has anyone checked on her? no? seen any heads rolling around? 
• im not slut shaming and it has been a good decade since i lost my virginity but it is lowkey wild to have sex for the first time the very night yall express your feelings for each other. a lack of foreplay imo
• “It was him before they ever met. “that’s interesting that’s weird. I wonder if that will come up again.
• “we can’t tell Dorian [about us fucking and being in love]" well to be frank, dorian is going through his little Harry Potter arch so he is a little busy rn 
• “customers who have questions during lunch pay double” baba yellow leg, do you have that policy in writing because it sounds like you just made it up 
• “he imagined that this is how every night for the rest of his life would be” Honey, you’ve got a big storm coming 
• whenever a broken girl starts talking about being happy and looking forward to the future you just KNOW things are about to get really bad 
• “his soul was bound to her by some unbreakable chain”
• bro chaol is a bit on my nerves. he’s lowkey a loser. who gets got in the woods like that? while fantasizing about your trad life? 
• omg first dorian is doing his magic research, then celly brings her fucking DOG into the library to terrorize the scholars and now chaol is hiding from his family and employees in there? this is a mess
• so you want me to ask how would cellener know a dirge for royals in the faerie language but i’m not the judgemental 
• oh no. roland has headaches. he’s the next victim. they always target sluts :/
• “do you know how many young women i have trapped in this wagon in the last 500 years?” PREDATOR ALERT. WHERE IS CHRIS HANSON?
• chaos is just like such normal dude and every time he sees her there is some new weird shit going on with her. new ancient blades, new languages, new curses, etc
• CUT THIS BITCHES ARCHERS HEAD OFF RN bro im pissed what a loser. every man in this series is a low life 
• evil bisexuals
• yeah archer just could not help himself. was he even a good courtesan? he is a button pusher. 
• chaol is such a little boy. he never really loved her. as soon as she showed pain, anger, power he immediately gets the ick and can’t hang

 

ALM Pyramid:
top: mort.
middle: baba yellowleg until she went nutso - creepy library.
bottom: PTSD - losing your virginity an then trying to kill the dude a week later - accidentally discovering you’re magic in front of your bigot father 

The AB:

now i read this 3rd. i can see how this would work in a myriad of placements. the problem for me is that i can't remember shit so some of these things coming back up later were lost on me. also, this book is so fucking sad when you already know where she's going to end up. i have not listened to this. it put me in such a bad mood just because of how sad i was.

• “do i detect belladonna :)” canonically you do not 
• oh she poisoned her right after being like “you’re my friend and i really like you” wow that’s fucking rough
• “what’s your name?” “wind, bone, dust.” babe that’s cringe
• sam is dumb and has only ever really came in clutch once 
• tbh they have kind of botched every job of there’s for the past 6 months so why did they think they could pull this off? and don’t you think it’s really suspicious timing that you get an offer like that right after you break up with assassin king?
• y’all should not be publicly arguing about who gets to kill who like this
• no but ass king has a good point and this is an obvious set up
• the weird father love with the ass king thing. yuck
• "the only secret in my entire life is that i love you." LAME. try again
• “use your head celena!” too bad she is allergic to critical thinking.

 

ALM Pyramid:

everyone is on the bottom except for the mute ass king and the girl from the tavern. even celly is on the bottom. 

Heir of Fire:

okay this is my least favorite book because of the wendlyn storyline. too bad this is such an important book for setting up the future plots. i really enjoyed the boys back at the castle, and manon. but i find rowan to be such a one note character and i don't care about him at all.

• she pioneered quiet quitting
• the men in this book are all hoes. for the streets. 
• i like how fucking nosey and lowkey judgmental sorscha is. she’d be my bff cause she has all the hot gossip
• the demi fae talk about rowan like he’s regina george lmao
• “i’ve been 10x as nasty for 10x as long” oh we’re in a nasty off 
• chaol is once again not very good at his job? he is always getting kidnapped by these people 
• oh celly and rowan are gonna fuck because he is out here BITING her and shifting and she’s like “why isn’t he naked??” 
• “i won’t be biting you again” okay buddy. sure. i bet you will NEVER bit her again… also aren’t y'all related? 
• what would be more embarrassing: your magic erupts in front of the nurse you’re flirting with or you cum in your pants in front of the mean sister of your high lady? look these books are really sad. i need to find some levity some where. 
• oh manon is turned on by this wyvern
• “blanks whore” means that person is a double agent and is in fact, NOT blanks lackey. 
• this guy sounds like he is really obsessed with his cousin he hasn’t seen in a decade…. like a little too obsessed….
• aww mama manon is giving abraxios a little makeover. americas next top model.  you wanna be on top?
• oh we’re back on our nancy drew shit solving murders
• “make up a rumor that someone else did it” aelins' mom was cunty ngl
• manon is mothering 
• confession. i did think abraxos was a worm that could fly. i got super confused about the verbiage and him being a bait beast. i had to look it up if he was really a wyvern or not. 
• celly asking the story teller about Maeve is like the first clever thing she’s done 
• ooop. she’s at rowans room at night to give him salve…. thinking about his warriors body…. they are going to fuck. isn’t that your cousin girl????
• oh this guy is emo. and others come to get their little emo tattoos from him
• oh no sex, just trauma dumping. okay. they are gonna bone though. i know it’s going to happen. 
• oh fuck is this the spider??? i’ve been waiting for her!
• i do really like manon. i saw someone call her “that witch lady” but yeah, this book needed a freaky bitchy witch lady. also, i used to do silk wraps on my nails so me and abraxos had that in common
• so does everyone BUT celly know that ass king is who set her up? he is gonna get brutally murdered in a later book RIGHT?!?!
• also wild that y’all are just using her apartment lmao not like she can use it any time soon ig but it was like her love nest with her dead bf
• and if she and rowan get together in this book then she had 4 lovers in 4 books. that’s impressive. 
• rowan is sending mixed signals. he’s like you’re gonna sleep in my room every night!! but on a cot :( i’m gonna fall asleep holding your hand to my chest!! you’re a good solider :(( 
• oh no. not a super rare bond. there’s no way these two randoms could have it…
• the 13 are some good judies. they are down to fight for manon and abraxos. 
• “they were not born with hearts” really? because manon is showing a lot of heart with that worm abraxos 
• “if chaol was really my mate, i wouldn’t have been able to beat the shit out of him, would i?” okay i want to talk about all the weird shit she said about chaol in COM because she would say shit that essentially said they intrinsically linked together and like soulmates in one life or another and that was all for.... nothing?? like that just wasn't true at all?
• i do still think chaol is a bootlicking loser but omg i really don’t like rowan. he is so annoying. idc if you’re emo and brooding. either bed my girl or stop putting out mixed signals. also, you’re lame
• i think this kingdom could use a healer as a ruler. um sorscha doesn’t get to be queen brrf
• chaol is giving spencer pratt a run for his money on being a crystal guy
• wow you get a new bond mate but he has a blood oath with your evil aunt. life is so complicated.
• gabriel asked how old she was and she said “19” and that’s a real YIKES from me dog
• "she couldn’t have spent all those months in fools bargain, couldn’t have been tricked that badly?" No, she could. She has before. she’s not that bright. 
• does dorian also have the nameless mark? he's related to brannen
• the next book better be about killing the ass king. 
• “to whatever end” oh okay. i bet they say this 1000000 more times. 
• he left all his belongings behind but he travels with his stick n poke kit. that’s not sterile 
• wow so if dorian wasn’t so horny sorscha would still be alive?
• celaena fuel can’t melt stone beams
• celly could have a little harem of dory, chaol, and rowan
• rowan you’re too big and hot to come to rifthold.

 

ALM Pyramid:
top: manon, manon, i hear it and i know.
middle: bros before freaky demon collars
bottom: the start of the age gap relationships - evil aunts - rip sorscha

Queen of Shadows:

this was a great follow up to hof. i was captivated the whole time. yes, chaol was annoying but that's the way it is with these men. we meet my number 1 girl elide, we get some insane lore drops. all in all, this is a very strong book for the overall story and i was never bored.

• oh dorian is a beast just off the bat. yuck. hate this for him.
• a lot of “rowan would have kicked her ass for blank” seems lowkey abusive baby girl
• “what the hell had happened while she was away” oh babe, A LOT. like your storyline last book was the least complex and heartbreaking 
• “i want you to capture one and bring it to the keep” bro she doesn’t fucking work for you anymore. she’s so dumb. getting into bargains. this ass king loser isn’t going to help you. he’s a back stabbing LOSER.
• “[chaol] was exactly as she remembered” handsom? “ruggedly handsome” okay girl. aren’t you like soul mate bonded with that blond haired freak 
• the city hard lady refusing not to wear eyeliner. oh she’s cunt 
• oh SJM loves to have a man say ily while the main character is leaving and she just ✌🏻✌🏻✌🏻✌🏻
• celly makes a good point. you’re going to put dory on the throne while there’s a DEMON inside of him? prob not great. and ass king won’t kill big king. they’re probably besties. 
• yessssss. are manon and kaltain going to link and build??? i missed my skinny baddie 
• witch and valg eugenics? 
• i’m loving this little best friendship with lysandra and i will always forgive a girl like her. BUT IF THIS IS A DOUBLE AGENT I WILL RIOT. THIS BETTER BE REAL. 
• if chaol wanted her to bring an army back with her then he should have told her that
• “said the thing squatting in her friend” squatters right 
• lysandra was thinking about fucking adaine lmaooooo i think her and caltrain would either be birthday of a feather or two big personalities. 
• is rowan coming back in this book? i’m sure he’s important in the later books but we really went through all that trouble introducing him and creating the bond just for him to be Not Here
• re: pretending to be a dancer at the party. why don’t the little demon freak guards just automatically recognize her? don’t they have some sort of hive mind thing going on? 
• and why would the dance lady be on celly’s hit list? 
• i also cannot keep it straight who knows she’s aelin and who doesn’t. 
• this was for sure ass kings plan because celly cannot come up with this good of a strategy 
• i like the witches story line but im so bad with names and none of them are named like judy and laura so idr who any of these bitches are 
• this girl elide is up to something. she’s talented. she’s manipulative. she’s observant. 
• she named a character ghislaine? 
• look, i love every single female character in these books. celly is on the bottom of the pyramid but i still claim her. but omg almost every single guy is SUCH a wet blanket. a real forgettable 6 foot tall thing with eyeballs. they’re only fun when they’re being cocky but they just are constantly on the back foot. 
• GORL you are not washing red out that easily 
• idk maybe i don’t have family but are they like… really into each other? a 5th lover? her second relative? she and dorian are distantly related as well. is chaol is the only one who doesn’t share blood w her. 
• “another skin she wore” oh sjm you are SLICK i see you 
• oh my godddddf now chaol is going all racist against fae
• rowan shows up and immediately is like “i know who your dad is loser” why does he have to have disrupt others balances? 
• “you need to be clear to the others what me staying in here means” um can you be clear to ME? because i don’t get it. y’all are going to fuck right? you just haven’t yet, but you *want* to. you just don’t want to **yet**???? i’m sorry you need to spell it out for me. i’m dense
• your favorite is gold? get a grip. you’re a trust fund baby 
• oh no. aelin is TOO HOT. TOO LOVABLE. all these men loveeeeeee her and this is the root of the issue. i bet the king is even secretly in love w her. 
• oh no, not my 16 inch waist baddie. i hope she’s not so far gone that she is unsalvageable. 
• you have to be pretty fucked up with give manon the ick from your depravity 
• baba blackbeak is a weapons manufacturer 
• sorry but the lorcan is a stupid loser if he fell for her fake mans voice. 
• rowan is the exposition fairy of this series. give him a cloak or a chicken.
• kind of shitty of sjm to reference the letter from westley all the time but never to have actually written the contents of it for us
• i just don’t like rowan. he bothers me. he has like no personality except for being overbearing
• why are they flirting at the table in the ass keep? like be so fr. girl you and him have a weird platonic relationship and you finally start trying to tease him while in front of the ass king, the man who killed your first love
• i love the concept of aelin running around, saving aedion, being like “hey y’all! i’m Cormac Hinsol. i’m a big investor in ass king. you guys all recognize me right? remember my nameeeeeee. i specifically waved and said hello and kissed babies at the birthday party.” i just WISH we saw that shit lmao. that’s one of my biggest issues with this series. sjm does a lot of telling, not showing.
• noooooooooooo. not the ring. wtf. that’s insane. she is so fucking dumb. where are her besties? “tell em you love me. say me name” what a fucking loser. like that’s what you waste your power on?
• omg they heard the whole thing lmfao and are just sitting there in silence like… when do we rip that ring off of her? 
• oooooof okay you got me good lmao lowkey wish she did have teh real ring on but i was like there’s no fucking way she’d like that slim puppy close to her like that but that would have been interesting sigh
• okay?? mixed signals much??? what the fuck just happened? bro rowan gives me the ick. i hate him. i’d rather chaol be here and i think chaol is a wet blanket
• i just DON’T LIKE like lysandra is supposed to do this alone. i hope she can do it. oh thank god. my heart was racing. i literally thought she might not get to do it
• [at the bakery trying to get info from nelly] "'we are very very hungry for… pie 😉' aelin said desperately." okay girls go eat each other out. idgaf
• i love sin cake eater shit
• ohhhhhh roland. you little slag. i forgot about you. oh i guess that’s that. 
• asking your roommate to leave so you can have loud sex is not actually not super abnormal and i'm sure your COUSIN who has bedded half of the continent would understand 
• hell yesss. a valg prince is no match for a baddie. nothign will stop the insane chemistry between manon y dorian
• also, a lot of the people who were taken over by the valg were men. the one woman we see with a collar is so conniving, strong willed, and wrathful that she literally eats that’s little demon up. “she only had one name now: death, devourer of worlds” so like the valg can only manipulate men successfully. 
• i get one baddie back i immediately lose one but yall were dumb af for thinking he didn’t know about the little kiki’s you two had. 
• dorian’s natural instinct to flirt is more powerful than the valg demon possessing him 
• ummmm look i know you don’t know this but i do think manon would have let yall go because she’s pissed her grammy is evil. which is weird because that’s like their whole thing? 
• aelin is like “oh those witches really love each other. guess i can’t kill them because i have a soft spot for female friendship” and you know what? i respect it.
• you haven’t seen your dog in like 6 months first thing you do is body shame her.
• when roland died that was truly a diva down but what was the point of him? his character in HOF was so sus 
• the story about the witchling made me cryyyyy. i’m glad manon is finally understanding how much her grandmother sucks 
• i love books written by women because all the characters i care about are women 
• oh yeah, manon and dorian are for sure going to be together. he’s thinking of her name and freaking that little demon out. 
• “you make me want to live rowan” i jus…… don’t care. i don’t like him i’m SORRY. he has like no personality except being an old ass fae warrior who can do stick n poke tattoos. yeah, ever been to brooklyn? i have. so i know the type.
• oh yuck we’re seeing that nasty bitch of a king. oh and we’re pretending to still be cellener? this is what i mean. idk who knows what and the king for sure knows who she really is by now. they need to approach every situation as if the know. good thing there was no social media. her face would be everywhere. 
• ohhhhhh exposure therapy for poor dory
• oh fun dory and aelin are playing low stakes tag
• is chaol about to die?????? is chaol is dying?????? is chaol dead?????? tf he really was barley in this book and he was a dork but rip 
• “so the world ended and the next one began”
• how tf would the demon not being able to figure out the towers muffled the magic? like that doesn’t make sense.
• the dark king had duped my girl caltrain???? omg
• chat do we believe this groveling old man?
• OMGGGGGG. okay aelin girl stop swapping out jewelery. i cannot keep up. idk wtf is happening. 
• “'all hail dorian hapsburg!' no one else echoed it." oh that is EMBARRASSING 
• let the record show: i was never a kaltain hater. i always liked her and never thought she was a villain. she doesn’t even need a redemption arc for me.
• look, these books are hard. they have almost no humor. the male characters except for the slutty ones are boring and lame and without personality but every single time one women comes out of the trenches to fight and save i just want to cryyyyyyy. maybe i’m about to start my period but i love this book for how physically powerful these women are lmao like every single one is lethal and lovely and ready to fight and die. and they all save these lame ass dudes every time. 
• okay i know i just said there was like no humor but lysandra puking on that weirdo lorcan is so fucking funny but i hope she isn’t dying?!
• omg lorcan only coming to help because his friends son was there. what a LOSER 
• also lol at the way sjm wrote about celly losing her virginity vs the rowan shit 
• “sometimes when no one was looking he would nibble on her earlobe” no i promise they noticed, they just didn’t want to say  anything. and aedion could probably smell the horny on y’all.

 

ALM Pyramid:
top: elide 💚 kaltain 🖤 lysandra ❤️
middle: having so much raw sex appeal that the demon inside of you simply cannot handle it - patricide
bottom: weird tension between your cousin and your soulmate but not bf boyfriend - weird tension between you and your ex hook up

people are complaining on ed?

something historical, non fiction, required

for context: i have been listening to the audiobooks for about 9 months and have listened to each book 2 or 3 times. i think the narrator does impart some bias and opinions on how things are said and felt. i truly enjoyed these books more than i expected. i went in ready to be a hater and have come out a lover (like a real archeron) so any jokes or mocking come from a place of pure love and delightment. i grew up reading Holly Black and Neil Gaiman (😭) and listen to a lot of Not Another DnD Podcast, so i'm familiar with the world of fae. i just haven't had a chance to read any contemporary books due to school/life/work

i have no one to talk to about these books so i kept a notebook full of my thoughts/memes/reactions/etc and i would like to share a selection of that with y'all (i can only add one image so i had to choose wisely)

a court of thorns and roses: 6/10

it took me months to get through this book. before i even knew anything, i found Tamlin to be insufferable and their courtship to be superficial. he truly, imo, does the bare minimum to make her fall in love with him, and he is only doing so because he has so much at stake. but eventually i pushed through and made it to under the mountain, and that's where things picked up for me. i think this book does a lot of great ground work for later reveals and lore drops.

this is how i picture tammy.

• call me a bad daughter or whatever but i'm not keeping a promise i made to my dying mother at 7 years old
• "shit Feyre i'm not that old" is my favorite quote in the whole book
• everyone is always hissing. idk what that even means
• imagine if tam was playing Cotton Eyed Joe on the fiddle. wouldn't you love that?
• "what’s your name?" "...tonka jahari"
• girl did he love YOU or did he love that you were essentially the only way to break the curse
• i truly love how specific the curse was but how obtainable it was. yeah, it took tammy 48.5 years to do it, but it could have been accomplished sooner if he had more men to sacrifice and chose to go near a village with more eligible hotties.
• do you think amarantha came up with that riddle herself? 
• and lucien’s mom. is clean water really equal to feyre sparing your son from having his mind sifted through? 
• trauma bond under the mountain 
• “i brought us both home” yes because he is a child who couldn’t do shit but a 20 year old girl saved the day

 

a court of mist and fury: 9.5/10

this book is obviously a favorite of many and i can't argue against that. there were some parts that i found a bit dull (like specifically retrieving the book from the summer court, not the tarquin stuff) but i did see someone say they stopped reading this book because feyre was "cheating on her finance" um, okay so reading comprehension is at an all time low i guess. she clearly broke up with him. a real Ross and Rachel "we were on a break" thing. every time i found myself getting frustrated with feyre i reminded myself how i acted in my early 20s. i fled in the middle of the night, felt obligated to be with guys i didn't like, wanted to be carefree and hookup but caught feelings, etc.

i also really appreciate this book and series approach to ptsd. is it perfect? no. but it is relatable.

• i believe tampon pretends to be asleep when feyre wakes up to yak her brains out. 
• do you think she was really happy to have a toilet again? i’m sure they had one when her family had money and that must have sucked to lose access to plumbing. 
• throwing shoe at rhys like that guy threw a shoe at bush while wearing her fugly wedding dress 
• i think feyre would have enjoyed emo music. give that girl some mcr or brand new. 
• i imagine her inner monologue to be like flea bag. and i really like how rhys is able to hear what we as the reader hear. 
• after her first week and tammy immediately grills her about what the knight court is like is like coming home from school and your mom won’t 🎀  𝓈𝒽𝓊𝓉 🧚🏼‍♀️ 𝓉𝒽𝑒 ✨ 𝒻𝓊𝒸𝓀  🦋 𝓊𝓅  💦 about how school was and what did you learn. 
• i too would go up to my dad and be like "im ready to go home now" while there was still time left in his court order visitation. 
• checkovs water-wraith 
• "it’s just self defense until you’re building a weapon"
• i love that little freak the bone carver. i would give him my bones after death. wtf do i care. 
• insert Devil Wears Prada Cerulean speech
• as someone who worked in retail, i would have been pissed if the king or mayor of my city came in with some chick and told us to leave early so they could bang in the store. i’d probably be scheduled for a clopen and who knows what bio hazards i would find. i doubt they would put things back or steam items to go on the floor and you need to take proper inventory. truly this would cause a mess for the accounting of the store. 
• so nice that SJM created her own in universe version of texting. even though they share a bond and can literally call each other at any given moment 
• “cassian and i spoke about our equally miserable childhoods” huh???? babe were your a bastard baby in a war camp??? i must have missed that chapter. 
• i think it’s really mature and empathetic of feyre to consider that rhys may not want sexual contact. i really do appreciate SJM weaving in a conversation about these topics, even if it isn’t fully explored or could be done “better.” i just feel like these consequences are hardly ever acknowledged. 
• lucien: “everybody makes mistakes” yeah you guys did false imprisonment. anybody could make that mistake. 
• is feyre a race bender? miss dolezal?
• i actually think the suriel likes to be caught. he’s is just always waiting to be tied up. he does get something out of it, chicken, a coat, some juicy details. 
• “lipless mouth” damn that’s a little rude. not everyone wants juviderm 
• this isn’t your cabin? it’s lowkey crazy that you just start painting it 
• jurian was in the cuck chair for 400 years 
• hybern is so campy. i see him as an Andrew Scott Moriarty type.
• is it only the males that can sense the mating bond? because none of these females ever have any fucking idea.
• oh you thought SJM was just obsessed with rhys sticking his hands in his pockets? nahhhhhh it’s foreshadowing of him hiding a whole ass book in those bitches 
• chapter 69. nice.
• “love was a balm as much as it was a poison”

a court of wings and ruin: 8/10

i love love love little sleeper agent feyre. i love the meeting of the highlords! i hate hate hate the war at the. i'm sure this is brought up a lot but i hate almost all of it except for feyre glamouring herself to be ianthe. i hate that we lose two death gods, i hate the fake-out deaths, i hate that rhys is brought back with the same thing as book 1. i do love hybern vs the sisters, but everything else feels so weak to me.

• beside ianthe being straight up evil she is so fucking annoying. i’m glad the religious fanatic wasn’t someone i was supposed to be sympathizing with. 
• “i didn’t have a nightmare. i am the nightmare” is some real "i am the danger. i am the one who knocks" energy.
• these little The Lannister twins: was anyone else eating humans??? no right? they’re just like the first we see of this? (side note i was just joking about the incest thing because they’re obviously supposed to be freaky but the wiki literally lists them as lovers? and feyre sees them have a sexual relationship? idr that)
• i love bff lucien. i love the flirting with him in a friend way. i love that he tracked down the boogey. i love that he starts standing up to tam. i wish he was a better friend previously. but tbh if he was this good in the first book there’s no way feyre darling would have picked that LOSER tammy-lyn over the LOVELY lucien. 
• wow so feyre’s plan get derailed because ianthe is a sex pest. women in male dominated fields. 
• i know magic exists and all but it would takes month for an apple to be poisoned through the water 
• cher. beyoncé. madonna. lucien. 
• whose blood is amren actually drinking?
• as a big Shakespeare lover, Clotho is for sure inspired by Lavinia from Titus Andronicus
• "I'm leaving here with something" -nesta in the dunk tank
• a fancan of feysand to demolition lovers would do numbers 
• there’s an evidence locker room full of bones and other shit to bribe the bone carver with
• i do feel like the thing about the fey warrior who trapped the weaver and the other one should become relevant at some point? maybe that’s me reading too much into it but the only linage she has left is some random human blood line like 👀👀👀
• it would truly SUCK to have death gods as siblings. you can just imagine what bullies they would be 
• imagine you’re a citizen of a court and all y'all like to be a bit evil and naughty. your ruler, who is never there, shows up w his new wife. you’re curious. what’s so wrong with being curious? and you’re a bit evil because that’s everyone’s deal here. so then you’re like maybe i’ll poke around her a bit, what’s the harm in one poke? and then BOOM she essentially breaks your brain. and all you wanted to do was see what she was about. it’s really like having a new step mom and never seeing your dad. heaven forbid a girl wants to haze someone. they are the villains in other peoples stories 
• keir does have a good point. where did everyone think they went when the weren’t in the court of nightmares? like a summer home in the tropics? 
• keir is on a do not serve list
• good thing the night court doesn’t have an HR. (i've actually written this one several times because it's relevant a lot)
• kind of sad the freaky incest twins didn’t get resurrected to be the ravens
• when the summer court is attacked and mor and feyre go full killer, it's like barry in the monastery.
• so do we never actually get an answer on Alis? do we just assume she didn’t live in the city and was safe from the attack?
• so basically the plan is to get rhys a better PR strategy. he needs to be seen helping orphans and picking up trash on the 405
• “you’re afraid to claim the mirror” oh clock her tea sis
• “it is rude to speak when no one can hear you” okay thankfully someone calls them out for this. imagine you’re hanging w your hg and her man and they keep shutting up for extended period of times because they’re speaking telepathically. that would be so annoying
• “the sun was shining when i left you” 
• “do you have any proof?” yeah this ig post i made. "being held hostage in the queens bedroom 😜 while she slaughters kids in the winter court ✌🏻"
• i picture rhys as a young frank iero as he is the most beautiful man i have ever seen
• baron is anti vax confirmed. rfkjr vibes brain worms and all 
• should have taken a beta blocker before the big meeting
• i too have had big emotional outbursts in mixed company while trying to be professional. it was very embarrassing
• when only the women say they'll help the night court at first
• “i’m…” “i don’t care” okay i honestly don’t like nesta until the meeting of the high lords. this is when i start to appreciate her general lack of warmth and difficulty 
• bryaxis: just exactly how nasty can i be? just go buck wild on those bitches. drink in their FEAR and DREAD until i am sated? yes bitch. yes queen.
• we love when SJM has a little call back moment. F asking for pants and the losers of the spring court being like “because it’s easier to kill us” vs N never having worn pants and needing them for battle 
• “keep her away from the female and children” because she’ll do what? real bene gesserit vibes 
• "I can’t get into the bathtub anymore. I have to use buckets." these little moments of vulnerability and pain are soooooo good.
• I think there’s an interesting conversation in dichotomy and agency. Mor willingly had sex with someone to reduce her worth to the autumn court, and she was mutilated. Elaine was forcibly changed through the cauldron and was treated as an evil being by the person she loved. Feyre was given eternal life and powers without any consideration or consultation. Nesta obviously was taken from but took as well. Amren had to give up all she was to get free.
• lowkey when rhys was like “i can’t imagine the rich being your farm hands” to the loser greyson it was like kelly osborn asking donald trump who will clean his toilet if mexicans in america get deported 
• RIP Exposition Fairy #1
• i do feel a bit robbed of how ianthe gets killed off screen
• how is mor and her sexual engagements relevant? feyre is the worst kind of person to argue with. she’ll set you on fire and bring up your personal business just to deflect from the issue at hand
• at the hybern camp: “some writhed with each other. some watched” i literally picture the Uruk-hai grinding on each other 
• az in the shadows
• thoughts while on the treadmill: does fate exist in this world? like feyre had to have been specifically special since she was mated to rhys BEFORE under the mountain. it just wasn’t until her rebirth and her about to start the wrong life that the bond snapped into place. is rhys is the most power high lord that exists, like ever? that’s because of his breeding. his mother and father were bonded. so if the cauldron made everything it must have woven bloodlines and shit to serve certain purposes. could rhys have been mated to someone not as special and powerful? maybe but that didn’t help in his cause. and feyres sisters being made also feels like it was their only fate. nesta is said over and over to have been so strong and special that only she could take from the cauldron as retribution. elaine being so soft and fair was given the gift of sight. how could the suriel know all he did if there wasn’t some cosmetic truth laid bare that everyone just falls victim to? rhys speaks about the tapestry of fate, but it has to be real if he, cass, and az all found each other considering their unique abilities. 
• so all that she had to experience with the ouroboros was that she has a beast inside of her? it wasn’t some little girl, sitting in a school attic reading A Court of Wings and Ruin? i lowkey hate that we don't see the full scope of what she saw
• yessss 3 death gods. surely they will be invincible. 
• RIP Exposition Fairy #2. 
• wow what great timing for the drakon/miryam and the seraphim armada to arrive….. truly a miracle…….. 
• and then the girls dead beat father, who never did anything good, is suddenly so competent and great that he brings his own armada. i get they were setting this up the whole book but it’s soooooooooo contrived and coincidental. oh and lucien shows back up. we just all happen to come to party at the same exact time, right when things were getting really bad. girl be so fr rn. 
• oh okay bryaxis doesn’t die. only TWINS die in this book. SJM is anti twin confirmed. and dads. dads and twins are the biggest losers here. 
• but amren and feyre climbing the cliff face is a bit like sam and frodo entering mt doom
• would you get the ick seeing rhys transform into a beast?
• oh no… your dad is dead… he was so important to the story…. editors note: i am a certified hater of fathers. my bias does not let me care about this man. 
• but i do really like amrens story. it reminds me of Yvaine in Stardust.
• OKAY this pissed me off. the first time i got to this part, it was the first day of my period, i had a migraine, and i was about to take a nap. i sobbed. i thought SJM really killed death Gods and Rhys??? but also i think going forward it would interesting to watch Feyre be without him. so i didn’t believe that this was a real death but also the possibility of it being real was, imo, more interesting than other tropes used during this battle. BUT you can’t use the same thing from under the mountain?? like if that’s the only way you could of to save him then just don’t fake kill him. so now anyone can be brought back from the dead if all high lords give a little piece of themselves? 
• what if rhys and feyre had a daughter and it was bonded to Tam? idk ive been thinking about twilight a lot 
• uh oh. matching couples tattoos. that’s a bad omen.

 

a court of frost and starlight: 9/10

i don't get the hate for this little story. i like slice of life things. it basically has two main plots "what are you getting so-and-so for christmas?" and "we need to talk about nesta." i think it sets up Silver Flames really well and the split perspective is so fun.

• new year. same old feyre who need trauma based therapy. 
• feyre discovers FEMA 
• Do you think they ever told Princess Di to go home and enjoy the holiday? 
• tammy needs to make this crackhouse a cocaine home
• anishh kapoor lives in velaris, confirmed
• oh, you know what you want to give whys? Is it a baby? Are you going to tell him that you are ready to get pregnant? Because you met some lady whose husband died?
• rhys being like "you never figured out that my MOTHER made your wardrobe" was weird af
• so is it possible the lucien is bonded to E but E is bonded to Az?

 

a court of silver flames: 10/10

maybe it's recency bias, maybe it's because we just had 3 full novels about feyre, but this book was really perfect to me. i think because we have so much information on nesta, but all through feyres eyes, we started off with a protagonist that wasn't given the benefit of the doubt. i didn't like nesta until the meeting with the highlords because i thought she was mean and cold for the sake of being mean and cold. which is not wrong, but she truly the personification of "it's just self defense until you're building a weapon." watching her grow and hearing her thoughts was really touching. i saw a lot of myself in feyre when it came to her relationship with rhys. but i see even more of myself in nesta when it comes to building walls and hurting others to keep yourself safe.

• oh nesta is miss Cadet Kelly 
• nesta needs to read ACOTAR
• i’m an only child but my mother is a middle child of 3 girls and the disconnect in experiences and memories between the girls sounds familiar. nesta thinking back on the cottage as a prison while feyre thought she was the only one suffering in acotar
• get cass in the FDA to remake the food pyramid 
• rhys has to know something because why the fuck would putting these two together be productive or good?
• i think devlon is just italian because you’re not supposed to make red sauce while on your period either. teresa giudice told me that
• being hard headed and stubborn is a genetic trait ig
• nesta would have loved an IUD
• am i stupid? going down the stairs is easy. i get coming back up is hard but why did the bat boys puke on the way DOWN?
• wow she’s being a real karen in the library 
• “nesta knew how invisible wounds could be”
• "Beautiful in an uncut way." girl
• she’s like a feral cat who hisses when you pet it but genuinely does want to be loved
• oh i did think their bargain tattoo would be like a tramp stamp or on lower pelvis. something real slutty 
• “so nesta asked, knowing it would piss her off” you know what? good for you girl. maybe having a lil fun will be good for you 
• lots of mention of multiverses and worlds beyond this one. i haven't read TOG or CC yet but i do understand there is a connection between all 3.
• so everyone is just like “what if we take over the spring court? since the current high lord is a nasty beast who is a loser with no friends and no court” 
• A Court of WTF is Up with this House? 
• i’m dying at nesta being like “a book? am i fucking idiot? why didn’t he want to bend me over the table?” 
• cassian was eating her up, really giving her a taste of her own medicine with some of those lines he was throwing out.
• you thought feyre was bad about killing 2 faye well just wait because nesta won’t shut up about 1k
• maybe nesta should have gone to the spring court so she could hear tammy’s fiddle and drink herself to death with him
• i do feel for nesta. feeling like an outsider. not being apart of the group because of your own inability to be friendly and vulnerable 
• girl wants to be the meat in a bat boy sandwich 
• nesta is actually really bad at reading the room and reading other people. like cas has been horny on main and she’s like “i think he’s over me”
• feyre opened up an art therapy studio for child of the war. nesta is opening a training studio for women of the war. 
• rhys telling me to be nice to gwen would send me into a blind rage. who tf are you? get over yourself. 
• no offense rhys but no one gives a shit about your baby. i wanna talk about my newest death god. also i don’t want to know about what beast form feyre was in when you nutted in her. oh is this gonna kill her? too bad. this book isn't about you
• no but az did have a point about not getting your dick sucked at the breakfast table 
• at least we know that confusing FWB with feelings is a trait that runs in the family 
• ew. when nesta was scrying infront of the gang. she is sitting there comatose and turning into ice and cas is emitting his horny scent and everyone is watching him kiss her like wtf sticking his tongue down her throat.
• “do you think the mask is in the water?” oh babe it is most definitely in the water 
• i just would not know what to do if i had a magical item. i wouldn’t put it on. i’d be so confused 
• why did you need to bring up nesta pissing herself? that was not necessary 
• “just sex” YOURE ANNOYING (editors note. some version of this is written like time more times. i shall omit them but just know i said this a lot)
• general nesta??? okay work 
• double standards much? feyre paints some ugly ass portraits and you hang them. nesta imbues her dark energy into a couple of swords and you freak out and want to quarantine them 
• is nesta gonna be like an evil queen? 
• feyre does not have the qualifications to be queen. she has been faye for like 1.5 years and is 22 years old and about to die in childbirth. 
• "you have 3 magic blades. each a king maker." UM NESTA MADE THOSE. SEEMS LIKE NESTA IS THE SPECIAL ONE HERE. 
• if you were to name a sword, what would you name it? no reason. just curious. 
• imagine you’ve been training with some girl and her fuck buddy. and then one day she runs away super upset but won’t tell you what happened. then the next day they’re both missing from training. and they’re missing for like a whole week. i would think my girl was getting an abortion or something. and she just shows back up like nothing happened
• oh no. not briallyn knowing about our new besties 
• also only sending cass and nesta into the prison was stupid. he’s not magically inclined. 
• okay nesta maybe be a little more polite to the harp. 
• “queen of queens” i know that’s right. finally someone putting some respect on her name 
• i thought the Wild Hunt was just a thing in the Witcher
•  not her having a sex dream about this death god while cassian is dying right next to her
• let the unborn baby use the harp to exit the womb 
• you need to dance with that autumn court loser. it’s for the sake of the realm. 
• nesta twirling
• he made her a mix tape 😭😭😭😭
• there’s like hella other people in this house and yall are wilding out like this. getting cum everywhere, hootin and hollering. 
• the snowball fight gives me the ick. and your man always loses? double ick
• i love that my girl gets to have a good old fashion sleep over with some good girlfriends 
• things are going too good for my girl. something’s about to happen and i am SICK 
• cassian about to go beast mode about the mating bond in the middle of street and people just straight up turn around and walk back where they came to avoid him lmao
• just like for feyre. mor is there to winnow these girls when they start freaking out about a mating bond 
• “she’d talk to him tomorrow” IS THERE A TOMORROW? i just feel like there isn’t a tomorrow. i’m going to be SICK 
• “tomorrow her life would begin”
• cassian was so cute being like “i’ll annoying her into saying a word and then i can say whatever”
• wow really big week for gwen. she is seeing so many sights
• fae hunger games
• oh these losers made a suicide pact???
• if feyre was in the Blood Rite and was trying to pick a direction she’d be like “north or south. the night court is north. like me and rhys. i should go north” 
• what a fucking insane and specific wish. sisterhood of the traveling pants ass friendship bracelets 
• my girlies are out here slaughtering LOSERS and LOW LIFES and just killing it (literally) 
• “i wondered if i had imagined all of the bad parts” 
• these girls are gonna get to the top and someone shanks them right as the go to touch the stone 
• OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD. THAT FUCKING GOT ME. no no no. you know what i was like how tf did he get out of that situation? he was fully fucked over there. i should have seen that but i let the hope lead me astray 
• “i showed him my idea of fun.” this lady is a FREAK
• erasing her from existence?? just like that? oh hehe okay 
• feyre is bleeding out, mor is holding a dead premise, rhys is being held back by the bat boys and now nesta is standing in the corner looking like a crazy halloween costume with a masquerade mask, crown, and harp. 
• “is this not what you wanted? to feel nothing”… “i want to feel everything” 
• oh now that’s an interesting bargain but i liked death god nesta 😭

okay, thank you for reading a selection of the thoughts and feelings i have been compiling for the last 6 months.