I didn’t expect romantic attraction to hit this hard?
Hi! I don’t know if it’s right to post this here. But I need to yap about this, and I suppose if it will be well-received on this sub. Or at least you’ll understand what I’m going through and give me your thoughts 😅
For some context, I realised I was demi (or ace, I’m not sure yet) less than a year ago, and I finally feel complete! So many questions I didn’t even ask myself yet are being answered, and I feel good in my own body.
I’ve never been very vocal and publicly out about being queer, but I’m starting to figure out that I do enjoy sharing this with (safe) people because, what if they are queer themselves? Duh.
Anyway, I started a new job a month ago and I immediately clicked with a girl. I was drawn to her, purely platonically (at first). We talked a lot, sometimes about some stuff private enough I couldn’t believe I felt this safe sharing it with someone I had only met 2 weeks ago; and other times, it was just all fun and giggles. Sadly, her time at our workplace ended and she left three days, so we decided to go have a drink with other friendly coworkers two nights ago. The night was great, we had plenty of good laughs and created new memories. And I also took a picture of this girl with the most beautiful light on her face (which only highlights her beauty, as my aesthetic attraction has been going crazy for her for two weeks). And I also learnt that she’s into girls, which was a relief 😅
I’ve been questioning myself for some time because, for the past two weeks I’d say, I started feeling a lot of “sensual” attraction to her. For example, I wanted to be near her, sit next to her, touch her hair and her shoulder, look at her right in the eyes (she has pretty eyes). I also started feeling protective over her, like walking behind her in the metro, holding the door for her, putting my hand behind her (without touching her) in case someone bumps into her. I’d also get a shot of dopamine every time she would look at me, smile at me or just speak to me directly, which felt really good every time.
I didn’t have great relationships with people in the past. Even platonically, I have very few friends after so many years being lonely (we by the way talked about that maybe a week after meeting each other). At first, I thought all of this was the excitement of meeting new people and making new friends, including this girl. So I was a bit taken aback by many things, like being friends with her in such a “little” time (a month), or being so drawn to someone I didn’t even know a month ago, without really understanding where it came from. Where I started thinking “what is this?” is when I clearly realised I didn’t feel that way for any other colleagues, even among the cool ones.
Of course, no sexual attraction, but my need to be closed to her is still very much present and I did reached the stage with her where I can touch her shoulder or her arm; and I even hugged her once (wish I could do it again). My brain also went fireworks two nights ago when, after leaving our colleagues and taking the train together, she told me she wanted me to “invite her”. Which I did! And that alone is incredible because I’m this type of (naive) person who only realises that “it was a sign” three years later (my bestie had to assure me it was indeed a sign lol).
Anyway, now that I’m slowly becoming conscious that there might be flirt between us, and a growing attraction to her on my hand, I’m trying not lose my sanity. I’m also trying not to make assumptions too quickly because I’ve never been in love with someone, never really wanted someone romantically; but I do want to hold her hand, go out just the two of us, and share something (strongly emotional) with her. I don’t know if it is romantic attraction but if it is, that shit hits hard!