u/Kaig00n

Hi, long time reader first time poster. 47y/o transfemme, 23 years Navy, ret. 31Dec21, 3 months into transition, just started HRT.

Got the chance to meet with a sister Chief I had last seen pre pandemic in Japan. It was surprisingly nice to reminisce, tell her about post retirement and how my perspectives have changed, listening to her plans leading up to her retirement, how things are with the Sailors. Was offered some incredible perspective on women in uniform I really wasn’t ready to understand until now.

Wrapping up a visit with my mother, the first since I’ve came out to her. Our previous convos leading up to this were decent. She said she needed time to wrap her head around it but still loves me. I had planned to visit already and it felt important to be there for the inevitable questions and long talks.

Our week together certainly had both but what I wasn’t expecting was an exchange we had just before leaving. I had just sent her a picture we had taken earlier that day. She looked at her phone, smiled and in her thick New England accent offhandedly says…

“I’ll wait to post this, I don’t want to do it while you are here.”

Cue me tearing up

“What?”

You dont need to do that

“What? I only have a bit more time with you and I don’t want to be grumbling if anyone says something stupid”

I laugh

“What?”

I meant that you don’t need to post it if you don’t want to fight about it

“No. F that. I am absolutely telling folks that I have had a wonderful day with my daughter, Marcelle. I love you and I’ve never seen you so happy, of course I’m going to tell everybody and if they don’t like it that’s their F’ing problem”.

Had the talk about my transition with my boss, my long time colleague, and emailed the in-laws today. That rounds off everyone in my life who I needed to contact.

Today I finally know what it is to be free.

Picture tax is from my very windy walk the other day, I had just got my eyebrows done for the first time and decided it was a dress day. if I had known having a sundress whip around your legs and a giant bell of a hat felt so good I would have done this years ago.

A friend needed to reschedule plans and I had finished putting myself together. Ended up on an impromptu shopping day. I had bought the dress a month ago and finally managed to style it in a way I like. Been dressing up the last month and while changing my sartorial sensibilities at 47 was intimidating at first, it has been a source of absolute joy to try things out that I’ve always liked and getting to talk fashion with friends and store clerks has been the cherry on top.

Tl:dr

I feel pretty and this is the happiest I’ve ever seen myself. Just

Long form.

I remember a night 16 years ago. I was out with friends in the LGBTQ+ district of Tokyo with friends. I had been out as bi for maybe a year or two, DADT had been repealed, and I was having the time of my life. My GF made a small observation that would echo in my head for a long time.

“I’ve never seen you code shift before”

It was innocent enough and she meant no ill by it but once the shock wore off the feeling of anger and a question remained.

Where does other people’s programming stop and where do I begin?

From that day on I started pulling the string to finding out who I am, what do I want for myself, and what am I carrying that no longer serves me. Later once the pandemic hit I was about two years before retiring from the service which raised more pointed questions about identity. Who am I after I take off the uniform I’ve been wearing my entire adult life?

With the pandemic doing its thing I had a lot of time to consider the overlapping circles that my life is made up of and when I got asking what does my own masculinity mean to me I was faced with a big dark nothing. It was a biological default and nothing more.

I had arrived at agender and that gave me solace. In that space I went from quietly despising myself to ok with myself. I didn’t necessarily like the body I was in but it was the vehicle that had gotten me through life so far and that was good enough.

The running track in my head was never complimentary but in time I learned how to tune out the negative self speak and eventually realized that this dialogue I had with myself was made up of the voices of the worst people in my life. I looked at the work I had put in, the care I had shown myself, the persistence of the work, and pushing though even when it was hard. I realized that you don’t put in that sort of effort on someone you don’t love. When this hit I had to pull my car over and ugly cry/laugh, I had finally found love for myself. had put in for a while but felt like it wasn’t answering all the questions. In retrospect I really should have looked harder at why feeling no connection to masculinity was as a matter of fact but engaging with femininity felt like putting my hand in a fire.

This finally came to a head about a month ago just before my 47th birthday where after knocking things around I realized that I had been running way from the me I wanted to be until I could find a way to make it safe, understandable, boy coded.

So I finally stopped running and she was there waiting. I’m thankful for that little boy who grew into a young man who went to sea for more hand 2 decades and managed to keep her heart intact. Even though letting go is hard he finally handed over this beautiful life to the one who it was intended for because she is finally safe.

In Victoria BC for the weekend. A little too warm for the A2 so denim it is.

🧢: Fat Hatter beret

🧥: Burgus Plus

👔 : Uniqlo linen

🦺: Porter Classic Sashiko vest

👖: Papa Nui x The Rite Stuff Sailor Moku jeans

🥾: Those ones from JLB

Picked up a set of Sugar Cane’s Okinawa Denim on my recent trip to Tokyo. I came across the cotton/sugar cane fiber blend years ago and fell in love with the slubby texture and how has broke in on my “crazy denim” jeans from SC. Pretty chuffed to have a regular set of just the Okinawa. ID’s upon request since I can’t be bothered to break all of them down 😅

All packed and ready to go. Fly days used to be chaotic but I’ve finally gotten into a groove over the years.

I’ve found myself traveling a bit on the dressy side of things. I’m not going to begrudge anyone prioritizing comfort when traveling but I do know that if I get stuck somewhere and need to figure it out I’d rather do it best foot forward rather than being stranded in my PJ’s.

🧢: Fat Hatter beret

🧣: thrift store find

👔 : Uniqlo linen

🦺: Porter Classic Sashiko vest

👖: Papa Nui x The Rite Stuff Sailor Moku jeans

🥾: Those ones from JLB

Picked up a new shirt the other day and couldn’t wait till I got home, the texture on it is ridiculously nice. Had a nice sit down in the park outside my hosts place with a coffee while calling family and embracing some old man sensibilities.

🧢: vintage Daisy Mae

👕: Studio D’Artisan Sashiko

👖: Rite Stuff Daybreakers

🥾: JLB

Out and about in my old stoping grounds. Enjoying some familiar streets under my feet and a little shopping for some new purchases I’m sure will make future posts.

🧢: Fat Hatter beret

👕: Buzz Rickson Henley

🦺: Parker Classic sashiko vest

👖: Papa Nui x Rite Stuff Sailor Moku

🥾: JLB

Boots on my feet, streets underneath them, and for now not a care in the world outside of train times.

🧢: Papa Nui Zeke cap

👕: vintage Italian Geno polo

🧥: RMC A2

👖: Buzz Rickson M42

🥾: JLB

Taking a couple weeks off in Tokyo to visit old haunts, family of choice and Familymart. Probably won’t turn into a shopping trip outside of maybe a stop in at Dry Bones and/or Mauna Gallery. It’s nice to be back for a bit.

🧢: Papa Nui Zeke

👕: AWMS Palmas

🧥: Houston sukajan knit

👖: Papa Nui x Rite Stuff Sailor moku

🥾: JLB

Getting a little R&R from the job site. Pretty happy with the travel fit around in. A little panache, a little sketchy, inexpensive elements with a couple high end parts that don’t steal the show, and most importantly quite comfortable.

🧢: Fathatter beret

👕: Uniqlo linen shirt

🧣: second hand shop

👖: Muji

🥾: JLB

It’s been a challenging time at work. Glad to get some sand in my toes.

🧢: homemade out of some boot bags

👕: Sugar Cane

🩳: Papa Nui Nalu trunks.

Some heishi beads and some slides and you are off to the races.