u/KaleidoscopeFinal969

I want to say right off the bat that I’m not trying to complain at all.

Since I was 18 yrs old and kicked out of my house I’ve been working. I’m 20 now and afab (assigned female at birth- I’m genderfluid) Also living on my own.

Last year was the worst year of my life. It had to do with being an ex girlfriend of mine, I ended up in rehab. Also I got laid off and had a sugar daddy and did some other sexual things. This is really against my nature. I’m glad I don’t have him anymore.

Two memories sometimes pop up:

1. I went to dinner with my father last year early on and I realized the sugar daddy I had that he didn’t know about was four years older than my father. Which caused me to throw up a lot and have a panic attack.
2. There was one night I slept with him in a hotel and I remember looking in the full length mirror and having no idea who I was anymore.

Between that, my ex girlfriend sleeping around and living with me/leaving the place a mess (I knew about this btw), and being laid off, an alcoholic and a stoner, etc. I haven’t really had a chance to process it all I guess. I don’t really have any feelings towards it.

Now, I am 8 months sober and working full time. I don’t do any of that stuff anymore. I have a boyfriend who I love very much.

However, sometimes I start sobbing without knowing why. Sometimes I get these memories that come up. Maybe it’s from growing up too early as a child, too. I’m not sure.

My boyfriend said that maybe I need to process what happened and think about it all. But here’s the thing. I don’t know how.

Before I met him I basically never cried ever. I can’t remember the last time I cried. For some reason this stuff comes up with him and I don’t know why.

I don’t know if he understands. But he’s there for me. And I don’t know how to feel feelings if that makes sense.

I just work and go home, now. Besides seeing my boyfriend my life is pretty dull.

I’m sad all the time. I always feel empty. And I don’t know what to do about this.

Some advice or opinions would be nice, I guess.

Thank you for reading this far. ❤️

I want to go on a bit of a rant here, please bear with me.

I cannot afford therapy. I don’t have any friends other than my partner.

Last year was a rollercoaster! I am a 20 year old afab for context. I recently discovered I am genderfluid. I’ve been pansexual for a long time.

Last year I was doing some porn stuff as I got laid off my job and my ex boyfriend of three years broke up with me. This created alcoholism and I ended up in rehab.

Before rehab, I was sexually assaulted twice. I have been a total of three times now. Once when I was 12.

The second time I’m debating whether I was sexually assaulted or not because I had an ex girlfriend at the time who was living with me. Doing porn with me as well, and we were both sleeping with other people as well.

One night I got really drunk and I was on a FaceTime call with a guy I had met on a dating app but hadn’t met in real life yet, and apparently according to both of them she showed him “what I liked” as in fucked me on camera. I have barely any recollection of this. But I was told by my current partner that this was sexual assault, something I’m not sure about.

Side note I am no longer in the porn industry and have had all my videos taken down.

Anyways first question is if that was sexual assault.

Next. Is it true gender fluidity stems from trama? I’ve heard that. So I’m wondering if how I’m feeling is valid?

I also don’t know how to process everything that has happened and how to move forward in my life.

Any advice is greatly appreciated.

Hello,

I am 20 years old and I’ve been on my own since I was 18.

I work 8am-4pm. But even working 40 hour weeks only covers all my bills. I am an assistant carpenter making $20/hr and I am in Florida, USA.

I can barely afford groceries. I have credit card debt and student loans I really want to pay off.

I was doing DoorDash on the side but I got in a car crash and since then they won’t let me continue until my car is fixed- I have an attorney so it is going to take a while (legal system).

There is a Taco Bell five minutes from my apartment hiring 7pm-3am. I am considering taking it.

But that’s going to be an 80 hour work week. I don’t want to be so exhausted I accidentally cut off a finger.

Does anyone have advice? I need to move from barely surviving to paying off my debts and moving on with my life.

Thank you!

Hi guys!

You may have seen my earlier post about genderfluidity. I wanted to say that I did come out to my partner. I am afab. He said that he is accepting of it and he doesn't want to be in the way of my journey... and that he may not fully understand it but he wants to try. Also that if I fully transitioned he would just "be gay" for me. He asked on the days I feel more masculine what should I do to make myself feel better.

I said I want to get a binder. He even offered to buy it for me but I refused because I feel this should be something I do myself.

I have a few things here.

1. He still only uses she/her pronouns. Granted, I am too shy to correct him because he's been so helpful to all of this. He has used he/him twice so maybe he is getting used to it still? It just feels like, he is ACCEPTING but not INTERESTED if that makes sense. Like, he doesn't ask me about which gender I'm feeling. Anyways tips about this one?

2. I literally haven't told anyone else other than online, people assume I'm a masc lesbian when I am he/him. Does anyone have passing tips or what can I do about this? I really want a binder but besides that... I weigh 120 LBS and my hips and more feminine parts of myself really stand out. Including my voice. I do feel my brain chemistry "shift" if that makes sense to where I stand, act, and speak like a man when I am feeling he/him. Although my voice can't change.

3. I do feel they/them sometimes and that stands out the strongest to me. Other than my pronouns though, I don't really know how to dress for this one. I was wondering how other people handled this. Because sometimes I want to be both genders at once.

That's it! Thanks for reading this far and your help on my journey. Also if you have any other tips, pointers or things you want to say it would be much appreciated. Thank you!