u/KayaPapaya2126

you are in hospital right now and all i want is to be there holding your hand, telling you that you’re so brave, that you are stronger than you know, that it’s going to get better from here. i want to run my fingers through your hair. i want to keep you safe and kiss your forehead. while you rest i want to advocate for you. i want nothing more than to care for you again. i did love it, even if part of me suffered because of it, when i forgot myself.

i loved being needed, i loved making sure you were happy and healthy and looked after. i loved seeing you smile and doing better. i loved seeing you grow, seeing the color come back to you, seeing the sparkle back in your eyes. i loved seeing you think of a future again. i loved seeing you wanting to live.

i loved you. so genuinely. but i realize i can love somebody else like that in the future, and have the same type of love poured back into me. as much as you loved me, you couldn’t do that. i don’t hate you for not being able to, i hope one day you can, and i hope you get well soon.

i think a part of me will love the version of you that i knew, always.

my boyfriend is avoidant attatchement (defensiveness and denial at conflict, disappearing when hard emotions arise, getting overwhelmed and shutting down when i have big feelings) and i have changed a lot about myself in the last 2 years in the hopes that if i made the environment safe enough, he could change too.

i have researched so much about avoidant attatchement styles, what to do and what not to do, etc. i have come a long long way in managing my anxious attatchement, he sometimes seems stuck in a state of no change.

i am tired, i am genuinely fucking exhausted. i love him so much and we are deeply connected, but it has come to the point where i am withdrawn, performing to avoid him becoming overwhelmed, and i no longer feel comfortable talking to him about anything emotional.

i still have hope, but i feel i am close to giving up. i don’t want to lose him, and i don’t want to lose myself in the process. i am considering couples counselling even though we are young but i don’t know if he’d agree to it. i am at my wits end. can somebody please help me? any advice or tips would be greatly appreciated.

also: tonight i brought up something that hurt me and he got defensive and would not try to understand my hurt. i eventually ended up going quiet and crying, and he hung up because he was overwhelmed. afterwards i was in a state of emotional overwhelm, and felt no desire to chase and try to fix things like i usually do. i felt in that moment that i was done trying.

for the first time i didn’t answer his texts of “i love you i cant do this i just want this to be over what the fuck is happening”. i didn’t answer when he started @ing me. i saw for the first time that if i didn’t chase, he started to reach for connection, something i didn’t know he was capable of doing if i’m honest.

he kept texting and even called, this was the first time in our relationship i had ever seen him act this way. i replied once saying that i cant talk tonight and i would speak to him tomorrow. he got worried that tgat meant there was a big talk happening so i clarified there wasn’t, i wanted to enjoy my birthday tomorrow. he said okay and i stopped replying again.

to my surprise, half an hour later he asked if we could sleep on call. he has never initiated any form of closeness or connection sfter conflict. i am always the one to do this. i didn’t say anything, i just joined the call and we exchanged i love you and that was it.

i am shocked and something else i cant pinpoint. why only now is he doing this, was the answer all along for me to pull away? can somebody explain this too please.

after surviving a depressive psychosis and living a quiet life since, i have realised i no longer feel comfortable letting the people closest to me know me, understand me, or see me. i think i have a saviour complex, i only feel comfortable being a source of advice or a helping hand to everybody in my life. the people close to me all say that i’m the only one who can understand and that has patience, well of course i can understand, i was in hell once too. but i feel like i’m empty and alone, i want to work on this complex like i’ve worked on many other things. only it’s hard since every other thing i’ve worked on has been to the benefit of other people in my head, whereas this would only benefit me. but i feel it draining my soul, and i’m tired of not being known any more. i need advice from anybody that has overcome this.

can somebody read this and let me know if it’s okay cause i cant tell. i haven’t written in a long while, it’s about having a savior complex and helping a friend that reminds you of your own struggle with your eerily similar illness in the past. it’s not finished or revised, but i want to know if it’s worth continuing

contamination
i've become fluent
in the language of false convicts
now people bring me their suffering
and ask me to translate it

each conversation becomes
a debate with a ghost
she takes the side i once held
and i remember why

i know the sound of the mechanism
before it starts moving
but i jump when it catches
on something still living

each time my understanding
opens its mouth too late
she has already decided what
is fake and what is fate

i forget wounded things can bite
and blood soaked eyes
can mistake hands for cages
and still i hold mine out