u/KissMeAndSayNoHomo

Please. Please. I can't take her out of my head. We're friends. She's a lesbian but everyday I'm more sure that she just sees me like a friend. And this hurts me. And she doesn't know what I feel. And I don't want her to be unconfortable. But I want to cry, I want to tell her. But I can't because I refrained myself that much that no one knows I like her, it would be weird if I told her. And now it's too late to try to get closer in that way. And I can't ask our other friends what they think because they're more her friend than mine, they'd tell her inmediately. Please, I spend everynight analysing every interaction, I need to stop. It just will hurt more and more.

I hate that my crushes always like somebody else. Not because of them nor being single but because that always make my self-steem go so down, that's my downfall. I'm not an attractive person, I know but I know I'm not atrocious and when that happens, it always feels like I am. I don't know how to stop feeling this way.

Using a strap-on has always been my top fantasy. I don't even have a partner nor someone to sleep with but I bought one just to manifest and it case there's a chance, to already have it. I don't know if this was a good idea or a waste of money but I already did it and the manifesting is on its peak

I've changed my opinion so many times about you. I remember not wanting kids as a kid because I didn't get along with my sister. Wanting seven when I was a teenager because I thought the more the better. Not wanting any again when I was in my early twenties because I wanted freedom. To now, just wanting two, just like me and my sister.

I think it's weird that I have so many details about how would you be when I don't even have a partner because it might take years for us to meet or it might never happen. But I'll just let you know all I think right now so someday we can check if it happened this way:

You know my partner, your other mother, will be a woman too. I imagined myself getting in-vitro with you mom's ovule and a donnor so I would wait for just one but you would be two. Non-identical twins, both girls. I even know your names, Anya and Lara. Looking like the girl I like right now, as I wish we'll end up together. With my head-shape and eyes but her nose and mouth. Not white nor black, just a mix of both.

One of you will be a lot like your other mother. The other one, would look a lot like me.

And I know we'd play videogames together, the four of us. I'd let you with my parents many times because I know they want to be grandparents so bad, they'd love you. Also my sister, she'd taught you a lot and won't stop buying you useful stuff like a table to put your books on bed or a night-light that will help you study. You'll get good grades thanks to her. I hope she has kids too and that they get along like her and our cousin, they were like siblings when they were kids. We'd have dogs as I had dogs at home before I was even born. And you'll be "siblings" with my best friends kids. They know about you, I know about their future kids. You'll be friends with Adriana, Bruno and Martina which will be living in our country by then, I hope. You'll have many struggles but both of us would try to give you the happiest life ever even if we won't have much money. Just us, being happy, not needing exclusive stuff.

We'll argue a lot because you'll be rebel and independent teenagers and would make us worry but then we'll have the best relationship ever. You'll move out faster than I did, you'll get a happy life and a lot of friends. And we'll be always close even though you'll have your own life.

I wish there was just a writen sign that says "Yes, they like you" or "No, they don't" because I'm tired of pretending I don't want to kiss her every second I'm with her and because I don't want to waste my time if she doesn't feel the same and it's been just friends what we're meant to be.