u/Kitchen-Wishbone6948

Hi all -- bit of an odd one.

I (M25) was previously in a monogamous-turned-open relationship with my ex-fiancee (F26). We had a mutual FWB (M25).

I had been with my fiancee for about three years and had been sleeping with my FWB for about 5 months (also worth noting that we had all been close friends for years prior, so it wasn't the most casual FWB arrangement). In the middle of those five months, I began to develop feelings for him, and later received confirmation that it was mutual; he had actually been harboring feelings for me for quite some time. Initially, my fiancee was very, very supportive of my romantic feelings for FWB.

Unfortunately, fiancee and I had a pretty drawn out breakup at the beginning of this year. Our separation was not prominently due to the nature of our relationship being ENM, but her suddenly wanting to return to monogamy (and breaking things off with FWB for me, against my will and without my consent) was part of it, if not a catalyst.

I would also like to make a note that the idea of opening up our previously monogamous relationship was my ex's idea. Not to say that I didn't enjoy the arrangement (it's evident that I very much did -- lol) but this change of heart took me (and FWB) completely by surprise.

Anyhow, it's been over a few months since my ex and I have been together. I'm trying very hard not to "relationship hop" and to take the time to be single and process everything; however, the feelings for my FWB are still there, and we are still in contact (as friends), especially following the separation.

My FWB and my ex broke things off too, obviously. The two of them had actually been close friends for longer than my ex and I had even been together, so he and I were/are kind of mourning the loss together and supporting each-other through it.

My question(s) are:

• If I were to pursue something with him in the near-future, (after I get my life a little bit more in-check), would that be "relationship hopping?" Does it even count as relationship hopping if I was with him and had feelings for him during my previous relationship with my fiancee? The last thing I would want is to use him as a means of escaping my grief.
• I feel a lot of guilt surrounding my feelings for him due to some shaming I received during the breakup, and the experience of having my autonomy stripped in the context of my relationship with him. Also just general shame about having been in an "unconventional" relationship. How can I overcome this?

The last thing I want to do is promote unhealthy relationships with others and/or myself, so I'm trying to approach all of this very cautiously. Also worth noting that, relatively speaking, I am still a novice when it comes to ENM relationships and relative experiences. I have always tried to approach it with research and self-education, but I still have a lot of unlearning to do when it comes to "the norm," so please be kind.

Also... quite selfishly, it has been sort of peaceful and fun allowing myself to casually enjoy the feelings I have for him in the midst of our friendship. It's sort of a "whatever happens happens" vibe that I appreciate.

Hello all. I am FtM22. I began my medical transition about a year ago, but I have identified as trans (in some way or another; mainly nonbinary) for over a decade, now. I also often joke I’m “built” to be trans, as I am genuinely almost completely stealth in under a year of being on testosterone. I was often bullied growing up due to how physically masculine and hairy I was (especially in an environment of predominantly conservative, religious, traditional women).

I recently got out of a very long term relationship. In short, we were different flavors of queer when we got together, but towards the end, she identified as a lesbian while I identified as a binary trans man (after previously identifying as butch for a number of years).

On top of other issues that existed in the relationship (of which I will not divulge, only to say it was a VERY stressful time in the last few months of our relationship), my ex vocalized that she was miserable because she felt like she was sacrificing her sexuality to be with me. This was not appropriate for her to disclose to me, and we attempted to work through it in couples counseling, but even after the fact, it was clear to me that there was growing resentment due to the fact that she felt like a “poser” or disconnected from lesbianism because of me.

One night, very drunk and in a moment of passion, I tried to “reverse come out” to her (with absolutely ZERO forethought, aside from feelings of general hurt pertaining to her previous statement). It was completely not okay of me to do, but in that moment I claimed I might be a butch lesbian. This event scared the SHIT out of me — it scared me so much it sent me into inpatient. To this day, I have no idea why I did that.

Side note: This event is also where I learned I was stealth, as I was living in male housing while in the hospital and nobody could tell (minus one person who profiles people for a living lol). I had a ftm roommate who tried to harass me out of the room we shared because he thought I was cis.

Here’s the thing, though. During my time as a lesbian, I physically could not have sex without dissociating or having panic attacks. I always felt like something was missing. Once I came out as a trans man, it felt like the fog had lifted. I still experience dysphoria and insecurity about my body (especially my genitals and chest; that was/is a big issue during sex), but at the very least now I can be physically intimate without feeling terrible in my body, like I was wearing some sort of costume.

Growing up, I had always experienced a huge aversion to being called a lesbian, and had always assumed it was denial or shame. It just felt wrong, despite my predominant attraction to women. I was attracted to men as well, but when I imagined myself with them, it was either as a caricature of a “hyper feminine traditional woman” OR a transgender man. When men OR women expressed interest in me pre-“trans man awakening”, I became nauseated and avoidant.

And… not to fulfill any sort of stereotype, but I have experienced CSA, and I did disclose this to one of my parents who didn’t really care. My family continued to glorify this male family member who hurt me, despite my cries for help.

I also showed the textbook cases of dressing male as a child, to the point where I was sent home from school for it, but there was also an urge to be socially accepted as “pretty.” Again, I was ALWAYS the “ugly” one, always the undesired one, and always the masculine one. I used to be very insecure about that and overcorrected through performative hyperfemininity in my teenage years while identifying as nonbinary, despite feeling like a man on the inside.

Not to get all freudian, but I’m beginning to wonder if my dysphoria was socially constructed in some way. I’m not so reductive to think that people are biologically determined to be trans. I do think that people who are trans are people who make the choice to transition, and that there are cisgender people who experience gender dysphoria, too, but I can’t help and try to pick all of this apart because I am so fucking confused. Why am I experiencing so many of these “what if I detransitioned” thoughts specifically AFTER we broke up?

I THINK I am happy as a man, and I did always feel like “womanhood”/girlhood was a costume, but did I feel that way because I was bullied for not fitting into the mold of what “woman” meant (including by my own mother)? What if I felt like a man because that’s just how everyone treated me?

Plus the whole “drunk words are sober thoughts” thing? Fuck, I really don’t know if it’s internalized misogyny that’s preventing me from realizing I’d be happier as a woman or internalized transphobia that’s preventing me from realizing I’d be happier as a man.

I think being raised in a very conservative and religious household sort of fucked me over. My family is shameful of trans people and, almost to an equal degree of extremity, are very hard on women and very patriarchal. They’d be ashamed of me either way lol. Help a guy out here💀💀💀