still having dreams/nightmares 5 years later makes me feel like a bad person
I was in an abusive on all levels relationship from 15-16. he has bpd and narcissistic tendencies also my first ever relationship btw. to put it short I never had good examples of what healthy relationships looked like. like literally my whole life has been unstable and ofc in the beginning with a person w bpd it’s like absolutely perfect. So I thought I’d found someone just like me who I could trust, and little by little things just get worse and worse and worse and worse and worse but they still sprinkle in enough of the beginning feeling to keep you hooked. at the same time i thought i was going to spend the rest of my life with this person. he stole from me, cheated on me, abused me in all the ways, used me etc. I can’t put into words how much this time in my life left a lasting and deep sweltering wound on my life. I don’t trust a single living soul fully. Not even my current bf of 4 years. I just feel like a POS. I’ve never been the same since. of course I am still happy now and have a logic part of me that knows I am so much better off. but some days all I can do to feel better is lay in bed, smoke weed, and just rot i’ve gotten therapy ive gotten medications Ive tried journaling I’ve don’t everything and the wound from this just never seems to go away I can’t even sleep without being haunted it just drives me crazy and there’s a part of me that misses it and misses the experiences we shared. but by the end of it all my brain was swiss cheese and i didn’t know what reality was. which sounds really twisted and dumb but i swear my brain chemistry has been altered. I haven’t even listed specifics bc so much happened to me in a year I just couldn’t do it justice in one reddit post. I just needed to get my feelings out because I always feel so guilty when I wake up and I’m sad it wasn’t real Idk what else to do but ya just needed to get it out thanks if u read all this.