u/LFYPH

We have been together for 9 months now. There are ~9000km between us. Out of these 9 months we have been together physically ~3 months (1.5 of them living in the same apartment). I am able to visit her nearly every 3 months. I don't think distance is our biggest problem. I never thought that; she did at times.

We are very different. One might say we have barely anything in common. She likes clubbing, nightlife, having many different low-level friends; yet at the same time doesn't like going out for walks and doesn't like deep talk.

I dislike clubbing and nightlife, only have a few dear friends and enjoy walking and deep talk.

We don’t have any hobbies that we share.

Also our values are very different:

She highly values money and status. I don't see money as paramount and dislike the notion of "status".

At first all these differences were what initially attracted us to each other; because well, it's just a very different world which we are not used to.

However; we now notice that we actually barely have anything to talk about. We don’t interact much.

Even when I visit her. She tends to sleep really late and only wakes up in the afternoon. I cannot wake her up earlier because she's on sleeping pills. I just happen to do things on my own; going for walks alone, going to drink coffee/tea alone; visiting places alone...

The only time we actually do things together (except that we'd always eat together) is when we travel somewhere. And that’s also something I really appreciate about her and something we do have in common. We both like trying new things and experiencing new food, new places, etc.

However; in daily life it's not always doing new things or visiting places. So; in average daily life we have very little overlapping points. The only conversations we have are about what we should eat basically.

There's no language barrier between me and her. So that’s not the issue.

In the past there was another thing which damaged our relationship deeply; conflict styles. I would just jump right into solving whatever conflict comes up and she would just shut down. Because that got too much at a point we nearly decided to break up. However we had a quite productive conversation about contlict styles and found an agreement. In which trying to be close to each other first and bridging the conflict gap is the first priority before we then go onto solving/discussing it. She never liked the solving/discussing part and would just rather ignore it and "leave it" (her favorite phrase).

My main issue here is that we have so few things in common (hobbies, values) and that we barely talk. I try to ask a lot of questions; her replies are always short. She never really asks me questions... but it might be a cultural thing as well.

She also has a lot of issues with her family in which I don't want to get too involved here.

But all of that makes it really hard for me to imagine a future together. I don't want to give up on us. But sometimes I feel like there's no other way; like it just cannot work... Are we incompatible? I sometimes think so. But I never believed in "incompatibility".

How could we proceeed? I feel like we are stuck.

Thank you for your help!

Edit: I forgot to mention that I plan to move to her country in one year. I plan on moving abroad next year. This plan is quite fixed I'd say (except something unpredictable happens); anyways I'd move abroad regardless of our relationship. And well; I just don't want to give up on this relationship... I felt like I gave up too easily in my last relationships.

I know this comes up a lot.

But I felt like sharing my view of desires and ask whether that aligns with taoism/what taoism would say about it:

My life philosophy has more or less been that of standing in a storm (life) and there are many trees. Because life keeps moving, leafs keep falling. You might grab a leaf (an idea, a plan, a goal, a life path, a relationship, etc...) and keep it. But just remember that you're in a storm (life), so just know that leaves might be blown away (as in that plans fail, relationships end, a current life path might proof unsuitable). You may stop holding onto leaves if it leads you to suffering. But it's not so much about not having leaves in your hand as much as it is about not being attatched to the leaves. Holding a leaf doesn't really cause suffering; the suffering is in the refusal to let it go when the wind takes it. If the leaf was blown away; you might grief; but then simply remind yourself that you're standing in a storm.

Just being aware of the storm is enough to not suffer in the end.

(You might want to pursue a specific career, you might want to raise a family, you might want to travel to certain places; just make sure to be aware that these desires are subject to life and therefore forcing them/holding on to them may cause suffering. Just don't be too fixed on things.)

How aligned with taoism is this?

Am I missing something? (I sure am missing some parts; because my metaphor doesn't entail everything...)

Thank you!

I'm new to taoism. And my Western background might cloud my understanding of filial piety as the concept simply does not exist in my culture the same way it exists in for example China.

How does taoism regard filial piety?

I do understand that it says it should be natural rather than forced (=confucian rules as a symptom of the loss of dao).

But what if the family is deeply divided? If the structure is broken? If the normally natural urge to deeply care about family life is absent?

What should one do?

Confucianism would likely say perform your duty irregardless of the situation.

And Taoism? The wise should do things without expecting anything in return, yea. But still...

Even generally; what does caring about/being in harmony with one's family entail in a taoist way? Abiding to your parents will? Living with your parents when they’re old? I know it's about naturalness... But I still don't really understand it.

Thank you for your replies!

I really like raw (sheng) pu erh especially when it has this slight astringency (but not too much!) and a bit of a citrusy taste. I also really like some green teas (especially shincha) which show this kind of citrusy flavor.

However I once had a pu erh with that taste and I cannot seem to find it again...

If you have any specific teas (on any websites) you could recommend, I'd appreciate it!

Basically I'm just looking for a tea with a citrusy taste.

If you don’t have any direct recommendations maybe some things I could look for? Type of tea(?), region(?), harvest season(?), etc...

Thank you so much!

I'm new to Taoism in general, so my understanding is very limited... please bare with me:)

Forcing my will/desire is not to be aligned with the tao, right?

Suppressing my will/desire is likely also not to be aligned with the tao.

So, my thought is: Having inclinations towards something; following them but not pushing too hard, is this the way?

As in being aware of your ego and the things it wants but instead of suppressing everything, rather following it in a way that is not focused on actually achieving it?

Example 1: I feel like I want to bake bread so I go to the supermarket and buy dough. The supermarket doesn't have dough. Instead of being frustrated and driving to another supermarket to buy dough I simply accept it without frustration and then follow another inclination without being focused on the outcome?

Example 2: I feel like I want to move to country Y. I apply for a visa and it gets rejected. Instead of feeling deeply upset and trying to force my will somehow, I accept it and move on with life...

Example 3:... you get the gist(?)

How mistaken am I?:)