u/LaCathedrale

My divorce was not at my behest, and while I'm working on it I still hold on to anger and despair at the behaviour of my ex. That said, she only wanted 50:50 custody, 50/50 marital asset split, no pension sharing, no child or spousal support and clean financial break. On paper, the best possible outcome of a situation I didn't want.

As a person I am objectively better off than when I met her: though I'm 8 years older I'm fitter and healthier with better dress style, a good career and a much better understanding of what I want out of life. I have better and worse days emotionally, but largely a wobbly trend line upwards.

Unfortunately, when it comes to parenthood I'm starting to feel like a bit of a mess as the inertia of married-life routine and friendships is now totally gone.

We effectively separated in September when she moved into another room, and then she moved out in March. She'd already been seeing someone since January ("John Doe") and now has become explicit i.e. she's going on trips with my girls (4F,2F) with this guy, he is often at her house (I have to drive past to get to the nursery my kids go to, so even without emotional weight it's something I can't help but notice). I acknowledge that I cannot change or influence her behaviour - even if it's coming from a place of concern for my girls, it will only be received as personal criticism.

In terms of their mental health and development - all I can think is that I have to be the rock. My role is to be the stable, loving, present parent. No new figures in their lives, the same meals, the familiar routines, etc. I feel like this coasting is the most I can offer them at this time of change, but will it be enough?

With the random statement from my eldest that my ex is showing her make-up, that she and her new bf are going to the beach with the kids, etc. all start to make me worry that consistency may not be enough. I grew up with four brothers and five male cousins so I've never been party to girls growing and I'm scared that at best I'm going to be playing catch-up with mum and at worst I'm going to be edged out.

I love my girls, my eldest often says she misses me when we're not together and we almost always have a great time when we're together, but I've just got no confidence that the future is as good or better as single/divorced dad. I'm not saying it won't be - just that I can't see it.

Can anyone offer anecdote, advice, help, support?

Well, my separation is as over as it's going to be: I have fully split assets, equity, custody, and theoretically other than a back-and-forth group chat which is solely about our kids, I have no interest in or desire for, my ex. I don't have social media, we don't share the same friends.

There's naturally still some processing and grieving to go on, but I want to refocus on my future on myself and my goals - rather than just pure survival, or orienting my life around avoiding/processing things about her.

I'm doing all the 'first step' things:

1. Hit the Gym - I've already lost 20kg/44lb and I'm lighter than when I met my ex. I have also ran a half marathon, increased all my lifts back to almost all-time-bests, updated my wardrobe, and had numerous compliments from friends and associates about look/style.
2. Own my space - I kept the family home, and have redecorated my bedroom and reclaimed what used to be her home office as my own. It is a place of peace and satisfaction, rather than an empty or lonely place. There is nothing of 'hers' here.
3. Rebuild my social system - I've cultivated a social calendar where I'm seeing friends and family around half the evenings I don't have my girls. A good deal of that is light fitness/sports, and sometimes it's just a lunchtime or breakfast coffee.
4. Therapy - Worked with a therapist on-and-off for around six months post divorce initiation to process both what was happening in the immediate present, but also to look back on the relationship dynamics, expectations, etc. Understanding that there are aspects of my personality which contributed to my divorce and (more importantly) that those things are under my control to change going forward. I imagine like most: these were being unable to set reasonable boundaries, being overly reasonable.
5. Focus on my kids - My ex decided to monkey branch and then even introduced her new bf to our kids within a week or so of moving out. It's a firm affirmation for me that these girls are truly the most important thing to me, even if it is by contrast of "I wouldn't do that". Stability, routine: the same pasta for dinner, the same weekend trips. No major bedroom redecorations or moves, no new people in their lives.

Some things haven't worked out so well:

• I tried dating quite early on, and while I had a decent amount of interest on the apps (paid version of hinge FYI) and even hooked up with a lady who was the polar opposite of my ex, I felt like I was not over my ex at all, and ultimately not at all ready for it. Everyone is different, but for me it felt like a zero-sum game - what I gained by the validation that I am objectively desirable, was balanced by the hollow emptiness I felt. I feel like I it may be possible to meet someone organically, but I'm not going to put any effort into this space for a long while.
• Struggling with equanimity about my ex sometimes. My mind is still drifting towards thoughts of what she is doing and a lot of the time it's unemotional, but sometimes I find myself melancholic about my situation, or angry with her.

Anyway, I feel like I'm making decent progress in rebuilding myself and now I'm trying to understand what "Day 2" looks like from those who there already, or working through it. I feel like I'm out of the initial trenches, but I feel like I'm poking my head above the parapet into no man's land with no plan.

How about you?

XW and mother of my (41M) two children (3F, 1F at the time) had an emotional affair, torpedo'ed the relationship with no chance of reconciliation. Monkey-branched into a/this new relationship before the divorce was final and before she'd even moved out and is still with him (~5mo).

I am largely focusing on myself: I've a relatively healthy social circle (albeit mostly middle aged men like me), I'm active, I'm employed and I have hobbies. My two girls are brilliant and I have 50:50 custody with them. We are able to co-parent relatively well. I am a grey rock to her: from a week or so after the divorce was petitioned, I don't show how much she hurts me.

The problem is that I just can't seem to untangle myself emotionally from her - I don't want to recite all of the petty cruelties and callous indifference (see my post history 😞 ) but essentially while I think she's behaved terribly and she continues to make bad decisions, I don't wish her ill, particularly. I just don't want to feel like I've been stabbed in the gut when I see her with her new bf or when I lie awake at night alone in the wreckage of the future I thought I had, while she is purportedly living her best life with her post-separation glow-up and new relationship high.

I feel like time is the only way this is going to heal, but in the meantime I just hurt so much.

Without wishing to go over the entireity of my situation - my ex went on a 'friends holiday' (June 2025) when our kids were 2.5 and 1yo and then came back and decided she was 100% done. After a few months of counsellling (Sept 2025) I submitted a petition for divorce and that was it. She immediately monkey-branched to a new relationship (Jan 2026) and is still seeing the guy and has even introduced my kids to him already (~March 2026).

The most recent humiliation was her collecting the last of her things ... with him. This is a woman I wanted to grow old with, to spend the rest of my life. Someone I tried so very hard to accomodate, tolerate, support, grow and love through thick and thin.

I'm finding it so hard to have any degree of equanimity. I can look at her and not wish her ill as the mother of my children - but equally I can see the lack of self awareness, or any kind of self-reflection or introspection. Whether the reality of our relationship was bad or not, getting into another before the dust had settled is objectively a bad choice. Introducing her new bf to our kids is a bad choice. Her callous indifference to me as a partner of 8+ years and father of her children is a bad choice.

I feel like I have been treated so poorly, so abysmally and unfairly for no reason other than her caprice, that I am scared I am going to start hating her. I know it is all business, and that is all she sees of me - until the door closes and I collapse into tears. Until that night when I am walking home to an empty house with the knowledge she is living her best life.

Please help me find equanimity....

Just a little rant: she monkey branched before she even moved out, and then introduced this guy to my kids within less than 2 weeks of having her own place.

Anyway, she came by to collect her bicycle and the last bits I left in my garage for her. She arrived and opened the garage herself (for exactly this reason I left the code the same, will be changing it ASAP) and so I went outside to meet her. She left the door open and started to push her bike down the drive and around the corner - leaving everything else there saying she'd "be right back".

Clearly, the new bf was parked hidden around the bend.

I went down with grim amusement and waved "Hello, <name>!" to the guy who was hiding behind his car, then turned around to go back to the house. She murmured "oh, he was coming to shake your hand", to which I replied "no, I don't need to shake his hand" and then shut the door on her.

I guess it just put them both on the spot - him hiding around the corner was probably to not provoke me, but equally the solution would have been (if that was actually important) for her to walk her ass to me to pick her bike up instead of having him drive.

Why the F would I shake this guy's hand? Thanks for screwing my wife in my house with my kids asleep upstairs while I was out? Thanks for having such an incredible lack of integrity that you're OK with entering into a relationship with a woman who isn't even divorced? Good luck with this absolute mess of a woman?

Honestly, I wish it didn't hurt as much as it does to feel so easily replaced in her life, as if it mattered so little. I know how these things go, it doesn't make it any less painful, though.

10 months ago - she decides she's completely, utterly done with no coming back because she wants 'freedom and independence, no relationship'

7 months ago - she 'forces' me to petition for divorce, that I don't want but there's nothing else to be done.

4 months ago - she cries and begs to come home for Xmas because she's 'made a mistake', and forces me into a position where my selfish want for her in my life has to go against the reality of the situation.

2 months ago - I come home to find she's been celebrating our divorce being accepted with "a friend", the most awful circumstance I can imagine is being toasted with champagne by her (see below).

1 month ago - she moves out, abandons her dogs with me which almost forces me to rehome them - my companions for the last 7+ years but who I can't take care of.

2 weeks ago - she reveals she's been seeing someone else for at least 3 months, introduced them to our kids already with 'you can't dictate my life' and putting the lie to her entire reason for separating.

today - see her walking down the road hand-in-hand with her new bloke without a care in the world, while I am still trying to clear the wreckage of my entire life.

--

I feel like any time I start to find my feet again they are swept up underneath me. I just want to be at peace.

EDIT: To be clear, we are divorced, I am holding no candle for her or wanting to reconcile. Custody/Finances are sorted, I already hit the gym and have a busy social life. This is just a feeling of being punched down on again and again while she appears to live her best life.

Yes, I know it is me giving her the power to do that and she almost certainly doesn't even think about me at all.

My ex dropped the bombshell in June 2025, we went to couples therapy and then broke it off in September 2025. I have continued with the same therapist solo (since she had all the background) on-and-off since then.

She helped me process the actions of my ex, and highlight my patterns of behaviour which led/contributed towards the breakdown of the relationship. We have explored a little of my childhood situation and how that may have impacted how I form and maintain relationships. We have spoken about what (in due course) a future partner may look like.

She helped me navigate emotionally the petition for divorce, the moving out, the new boyfriend, etc. Right now though, we have reached calm waters. There is nothing really to talk about except to hypothesise about a future state. As a result, I'm thinking of calling it quits with her.

When did you stop? Did you find any positive/negative outcomes?

Well, after calling her bluff and saying that if she was surrendering them that she needed to sign over them fully to me so I can ensure their future at my discretion (i.e. re-home as/when neccessary) she suddenly had a change of heart and while dropping off the kids today, picked her two dogs up. It was quick - didn't even get to say 'goodbye' to them - which I think was a small mercy.

Right now I have my girls asleep upstairs but the house already feels very quiet. I imagine the bed (they slept at the foot) will feel empty. When the girls go to nursery tomorrow it'll be quieter and when they back to their mums on Wednesday night I have a feeling the silence will be deafening.

What can I do to make it as easy as possible over the next week or two while I readjust?

EDIT: Best sleep in months, house is peaceful, not empty.

I thought I'd share my story, I hope you enjoy it:

Bodyweight

At 25 years old I was >120kg and crash dieted down to 75kg - I'd never not been fat so it was a huge revelation, but I didn't learn any habits and quickly ballooned up to >80kg in at 30 and then >90kg at 35.

By the time I was 40 I was back over 100kg. My second marriage collapsed and the stress and misery of it all had me lose about 5kg. Since the autumn of 2025 I have lost another 15kg so down to 86-87kg and still dropping.

Food

I definitely had a couple of wobbles - excessive drinking, even during the day, while my ex moved out. Weeks of 'bugger it all, then' where I would eat whatever I wanted. I would still work out, but not worry about my intake at all. I decided after one binge that I needed to start being accountable, so started tracking using MyFitnessPal and then now Cronometer.

Initially I was just making 'smart(er) choices', then aiming for a 1500kcal goal, then adding a 150g protein goal which I guess makes it a de-facto limited carb diet.

My go-to meals are really quite simple:

• Beef mince with either beans as chilli, or veg as stew
• Chicken roasted either with veg, or as stew/soup/curry
• Tinned Tuna with either eggs or cheese, or as patties

I tend to roast a whole chicken or thighs and portion it up, then make stock from the carcass as a base for the stew/soup. The main take-away for me has been to simply omit or sub-out the rice/potatoes/bread from meals with other veg - cauliflower, peas, beans, mushrooms, broccoli, salad, courgettes, aubergine, etc. etc.

There were a bunch of silent calories when I'd graze on biscuits, crisps, sweets, etc. that I'd have in the house for my children - so that was the only thing I've really had to stop myself from doing. I'm not going to lie - that's the toughest part, having healthy alternatives (pickled cucumbers, onions, low-fat cheese, popcorn, etc.) helps a little.

Drink

I've never really drunk soft drinks like lemonade or cola, but alcohol was a problem. I went from drinking moderately (2-3 beers and 1 bottle of wine per week) to heavily (multiple bottles of wine per week) which in retrospect was screwing both my performance/recovery and my waistline - so I cut that right down to drinking only AF beer and one or two glasses of wine per week.

A sodastream to create carbonated water for the sake of variety has been a godsend - as has been adding lemon or cucumber of a big bottle of water.

Cardio

I found a local friend who wanted to get back into running, so I built my stamina up slowly using C25K, and then started running with him. Before I knew it I was running 5k's easily, then pushing into 7, 8, 9 and 10k runs. We did a 15k run once, and then I decided it was time to go for a half marathon - so I plotted a route around my town and just did it. More recently I've gotten a 5k PR at 25:05 and 10k PR at 57:59 over some very hilly terrain. I tend to run twice a week at the moment.

Lifting

Having always snubbed it before, being a home-gym lifter - I joined a crossfit class and was very happy with the intensity and comraderie. I'm sure it's suboptimal from a programming perspective, but the regularity and enthusiasm is sufficient for me for now. I tend to go twice a week to classes, with an occasional 'open gym' session if I haven't worked a particular lift in a while.

While putting together this post I found my old training diaries - the big lifts have roughly trended like this over time

Lift	2013 (6mo)	2018 (1yr)	2026 (6mo)
Bodyweight	80k	93k	86k
OHP	58k	64k	64k
Bench	87k	100k	90k
Squat	115k	125k	105k
Dead	145k	135k	135k

Goals

For lifts and with such a calorie deficit I'm not sure how much I can push them, but my goal is for a 140k deadlift, 120k squat, and 100k bench, 70k OHP. Initially as singles, then for reps.

For cardio, I'm hoping to achieve a >25 minute 5k, >52 minute 10k, >120 minute 22k, and to get a 100km bicycle ride under my belt.

For bodyweight, my end goal (as always) is 74-76kg - this puts my BMI in a healthy zone which I know is not the be-all and end-all, but the last time I got to that weight (2011!) I felt great physically so that's what I'm aiming for.

I hope this has been helpful, will be posting progress pics in a follow-up comment

My XW monkey-branched before she even moved out of the house, and any time I come across evidence of that (i.e. her new BF's car in the driveway if I happen to go past her place) it just hits me straight in the gut

I would really appreciate some thoughts - I know I'm doing the hard work in rebuilding myself, improving or maintaining every aspect of my life and forging a new mindset amidst the wreckage - but seeing evidence of her in a happy relationship already just sends me dark thoughts of loneliness, jealousy and a desire to jump into something myself.

I know the solution is 'don't care, she's her own person now' - but that's like telling a person in the rain 'just don't be wet'.

As soon as my XW decided she was done out of the blue, she basically became a ghost: staying with 'friends' (read: new boyfriend, as it turned out) 3-4 days per week, and almost every night. Even the days she came to the family home to care for our girls, as soon as they were in bed she'd leave and drive off somewhere to return in the morning.

She left the two dogs she brought into the relationship with me, and I became the de facto carer. When she moved out, she abandoned them with me.

I realised that logistically and financially, I cannot foster these dogs indefinitely, and as fond and caring as i am for them: they are not mine, they are not my responsibility, and I can't commit to spending the next 10+ years looking after them simply because she wouldn't step up.

Emotionally, it felt so difficult: these two little furry guys who have been my constant companions throughout this horrible period - without judgement, as silent witnesses and grounding influences. Warm foot and lap warmers when the house was cold and quiet.

After some pointless emotional fencing and bluffing, she finally agreed to take them - and will be collecting them next week.

So, they will be gone. I will have my girls for a couple of days, and then when they leave the house will be truly quiet for the first time.

That they don't need to be rehomed and the girls will still see them is nice, but while I know that logically this is the correct and only course of action, but it feels so awful - to be rejected in a relationship by my ex, and then to be forced to reject these dogs who have done nothing but show me love and companionship, is cruel punishment.

Thinking about saying 'goodbye' to them has me feeling so choked up I can't even articulate it properly: light headed, woozy, tunnel vision.

All I can tell myself is: I am not abandoning them, I am returning them to her owner. The house will not be empty, it will be a clean slate. I will be emancipated, not cut down.

Yet another casualty in the wreckage that my XW has created in her wake.