u/Last-Appointment6577

It's almost bizarre how fast the year has gone by since the final discard happened. I admit I had to create the situation a bit, set up the powder keg with the gunpowder leading right to my exWBPD but by that point she was biting at me left and right, devlauing me and setting up her monkeybranches.

I'm near certain, with all her projection and wild accusations that she physically cheated as well but I'll never know the truth.

The very real truth is that she gave me a small taste of the entire dynamic of the relationship within 3 months and I was the one who went back for more each time.

I'm the one that sat there the night she berated me for 2 hours straight over a simple mistake not even a month into knowing each other and not only drove her ass home and dropped her off (to her fuckin bfs place wtf was I thinking) but I then allowed her to hoover me THAT FUCKIN NIGHT ffs.

the even realer truth is, she ran me through her entire cycle from lovebombing to devaluation to hoover right back to lovebombing and it only got worse and more confusing from there.

Lately I've been having somber reminders of things I went through and feelings of loss that I can't quite explain. I've been reading more of the "Eggshells" book and just getting validation over and over and over again. I've even convinced my folks to start reading it so they can make sense of their cycle with my Aunt with BPD and the only thing I can identify is a lingering feeling of helpless sadness that this disorder exists and an overwhelming sense of relief that it missed my ass.

For anyone still in the FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) know that I too was stuck there for a time and yes, it was hard to get on the other side of the bullshit but I can add my voice to the long list of post-BPD life that it does get better and you can have a healthy life again.

I've never been one to celebrate my birthday. They were always low key in my family, Dinner, a gathering, a gift. Easy.

When I met my ex she took the extreme opposite stance. She absolutely wanted to have people gush over her and go out of their way and when it didn't happen the way she wanted it to...we all know how that goes.

So after 6 years of me going out of my way to try to to make each one of her birthdays special (including her 30th which was a disaster) and her DEFINITELY not making the same effort for me (the one year I took us all to a fancy dinner show with knights n stuff and she took me to breakfast at a coffee shop for example.) I've developed a sort of birthday blues.

I have no desire to even have it be acknowledged by anyone. My new partner asked me for ideas on what I want to do and I'm stalling because I genuinely don't know what's appropriate to ask for anymore so I assume just have them pay for a cut of meat that I make for my own birthday dinner...seems non-invasive and non burdensome enough right?