need advice about ISTP
hello! i am an enfp 35f dating an istp 34m. he took the test and he's classic istp. i am classic enfp.
we met on the apps in france, i'm american, and we've been dating for about 4 months now. i am very adventurous and he likes that, and we just came back from a 3 week trip to mongolia and uzbekistan that i planned. he's great and chill to travel with.
i just have so many questions and feel a bit uneasy so far in the relationship, and i don't like to be unfair so i ask but idk... i need some advice from istp fam because it's my first involvement with little emotion, and i want to be fair.
so, a little background info, i am middle eastern and my family is a bit annoying. they live very far and are uninfluential in my life. i do keep in touch but see them 2 weeks out of the year. i speak arabic but im a 3rd generation american. i like my culture and its fun. i am also quite a free spirit, i like to travel the world, ive written a book, do meditation, and very open minded. i am a recovering people pleaser lol.
he is french, lived in the middle east, other country, and speaks arabic out of interest. he's quite fluent and enthusiastic about it. he was with an arab girl for 3 years or so before me. he never told me but i did some mild stalking and find out they were engaged, he never told me, and that's totally fine idc he doesnt need to tell me anything.
when we first met, he opened up about this relationship. they were in a very special relationship sexually. he asked if id ever had 3somes i said no not really. he was v interested and excited when i said id dated a girl before, and i am attracted to people based on their persona first. anyways so with his ex, they had a special arrangement and they had lots of sex with others, maybe even primarily. she was bisexual and she arranged for all these 3somes all the time. he described it as special to know something deep and dark about someone and to share it together, and i see how it was so cool and special... after a month of dating though, i asked him if he'd ever need that in a relationship and he said no, i told im im a monogamous girl. although adventurous, i'm not comfortable doing that he was okay.
his personality is very classic istp. he has no words, he talks so little that i've never talked more in my life he doesn't say anything. and i talk alot. it's fine i always want everyone to be exactly as they are. im very physically attracted to him. in public, he checks out girls a lot. i mean A LOT. i mean every female that walks by he is blatantly checking her out. i never said anything, at least not yet because like i am learning him slowly and also idk if hes on the spectrum. because another thing he does is when we are on a beautiful hike, he walks very far ahead of me alone. that bothered me, and i was able to tell him because it's not a position where i can focus on him doing something, moreso that i want to walk with him. as opposed to checking out girls, where it maybe could embarrass him.
Our intimate life is a bit interesting. we don't hook up often, but when we do it's great! but i don't feel sexualized by him at all. we cuddle nonstop, he is an incessant cuddler, and is vocal about it, and i love cudding. but usually in the beginning of a relationship, even fingers touching is a bit of a spark. with us not much. i can say i am farely attractive, i attract attention, and in the past things are quite sexual at first for like a year or even two. with us i feel like when he looks at me, it does nothing, when he feels me, nothing. when he feels interested in the act of sex, hell come find me and he def knows what he's doing in the act. but it makes me feel a bit undesired. but we are veryyyy physical touch all the time, so it's very confusing for me.
anyways, fast forward 4 months in. im feeling weird because sometimes i feel great in the relationship and i can see a future. and sometimes there is a pit in my stomach and i dont feel good at all. and i can't tell why. probs the sexual stuff, probs the ex, and probs the checking out other girls. i think he maybe still hung up on his ex.
so, something happened on this trip, 3 days before it was over. it was a bit strange. he knows my background, my family, i am very vocal and very open, and very matter of fact. he lived in the middle east for years and his ex was arab of the same background. he brought up family influence. he said that his relationship in the past was amazing but once the parents got involved it went up into flames bc she was listening to them. i was like okay... well my family isn't influential on me. but i do want my kids to understand my background and the religion i grew up with, i am not a forceful or pushy person, but they would know from an educatoin standpoint. he said that his ex's family wasn't religious and that his kids wouldn't grow up learning any religion at all, and not even having arab names bc his ex didn't want to d name arab names (i never discussed names or schooling at all....). so i was like cool, i didn't understand but that evening we came to a mutual agreement that it wouldn't workout. but i didnt understand why because i am not religious myself, the only thing that would have to happen if he wanted to be serious one day is like see my family for 2 weeks out of the year. idk. that night i asked him if he didnt' realize my background? he just seemed staunch and kept asking if i was disappointed, and i was like not really... then he said that i should have put that on my proflie, and i was like put what? if i was to celebrate christmas with my kids would i need to put it on my dating profile as well? you know everything about me and there are plenty of people ive dated before who have no issues with like knowing what eid is.
i am not religious, i drink, i don't practice. this doesn't enter my daily life. in the past ive had many partners who were completely understanding and on board. it was very weird bc this man speaks arabic and only wanted to speak in arabic on this trip to practice. he wants to visit my grandparents home country. he knows more about the religion of my family than I do, he has studied it all, so it was very confusing that night. he asked me to cuddle him, and i said i can't really, so we slept in separate beds. the next day, he asked to cuddle again, and i did a bit, but then got up and left to the other bed, and he made fun of me telling me that i was so extreme in my decision breaking up. it wasn't my decision. it was totally mutual and i would say MORESO on his end than mind. because i kept trying to steer the conversation into wait why don't you ask me specific questions, and he didn't he seemed like he knew everything. so i was like what?? me??
so then he said that i jumped too fast and we should see where it goes. i was like um you told me that you're happy we had this conversation now and that it's been on your mind, we slept in two beds, you asked if i was disappointed. the solidity came from HIM. so i was like listen if you want to move forward lets talk tonight.
so we chatted, and i was like listen, it's weird for my kids not to know what eid is. he was like i celebrated eid with my ex eid is totally fine. i was like eid is a religious holiday.... he was like no i was talking about extreme religion. i was like um well what in the heck would makeyou think i would do that, do i look extreme to you?! he was like ramadan eid all those are fine. i did them with my ex of course theyre cultural it's fine. i was like..... okay..... and then he was like and for girls arabic names are fine.... i was like i never even told you what names i wanted like why don't you just ask me. and he brought up really extreme things where if in my nature you even spent one day with me, you'd know i was not into doing any of those things he was talking about.
it seemed like he broke up as an excuse or he found an excuse to see if he was able to break it off... he even said he would pretend to pray in front of my parents. i was like i don't want you to do that what the actual heck.
so then i sat him down and told him seriously. listen you cant control th family you are born into, but you seemed very serious yesterday about this, and there are plenty of neutral to this situation partners out there that this doesn't mean anythng to. i am a person who values the partner i am with and i am not a tyrant, doing something as a compromise sometimes causes contempt. we can both find people who are more neutral in this topic and live a happier life. he was like no this is fine i can do this.... i was like okay well....
anyways, so that was weird. because nothing new was introduced, idk if there was a trigger.
so second topic, the sexual stuff. i brought that up to him on the last day of the trip, for 3 weeks we only hooked up 2 times. which is super strange for me in a new relationship. actually im not even counting it wasn't even the amount of times. but usually for me, my norm, is that in a new relationship sometimes a peck on the lips can turn into a mini makeout, or a butt touch can cause a bit more electricity, or a hand on the hips. just the small things. i get a lot of attention on the eyes in public and its uncomfy bc i get no sexual eyes from my partner lol. but i am intelligent to know not everyone is the same. so i just asked him. i said you're not a v sexual person are you? he was caught off guard. he was like are you not satisfied sexually? do you want to have more frequent? i was like no no no i am just trying to understand you before i make myself feel a certain way. like are you normally like this in a relationship? like platonic? he was like i dont know because the arragnement i had with my ex was mostly with others and i cant get into the details bc it maybe problematic foryou. i was like it's okay dont tell me. but like are you attracted to me? he said he is otherwise he wont be dating me. i told him that i feel like i dont turn him on and we only hook up not spontaneously. and he said that yeah i can't turn him on like dressing or trying won't do it. it comes from him. i was like yeah im not used to that, it's okay but it's different for me so that's why im asking. anyways i told him he is v good at sex and we talk about sex so there is a discrepancy that throws me off a bit. he felt a bit sad about it and i promised id tel him if i wanted to spice things up or how he can act differently.
i told him i never want him to act differently. i just was making sure you're into me. he said he is.
but my theory was that he and his ex used to check people out together and probably talk to each other about what they'd do with this person. and maybe thats wehre the comfort of checking out girls comes from.
i am confident and feel attractive in public, but with him, i don't feel like im the only one for him in public. in private sure, in public no.
he said he had a porn addiction and stopped watching 2 years ago.
he also said maybe there is something wrong with him.
either way, i am insecure about his ex. my fear is that they had something so unique and special, that in a few years they wont find that special connection in others and gravitate back together.
this is also the longest someone hasn't told me they have feelings for me in too. also i know so much about this ex. she was very wealthy and yet she still makes him send money to support a pet they shared together. i am financially stable but split 50/50 based off of my own principles. another thing is that she owned a hostel or something, and he always talks about how owning a guesthouse is the best thing in the world and the most stable. i was like okay.... she is similar to me it seems this ex. she has the same ethnic background, is creative, a bit free, and educational family same. just she's a bit cooler than me lol. not to compare, just matter of fact. i travel way more and have way more hobbies. but she also parties alot and takes him out to the cloobs and makes him try new things. i am not comparing. i am just setting the stage for the reader. there are plenty of people who would value me for me, and i can find them, but idk if this guy does. sometimes he says things that are sweet but i dont want to be his rebound. i wont change anything about myself but want to just be fair.
idk. something makes me uneasy. i either feel really good with him and see a future, or i feel really insecure, and idk if it is retroactive jealousy or what. i can't read him at all. and i want to be fair. he said he won't date if hes not into someone it's a waste of time.
please advise guys.
oh yeah i forgot to add that: i did some stalking and found photos of him and his ex in very sensual poses. we don't have any sensuality in our relationship it lacks emotion. so it made me feel a bit sad and insecure. and i know socials isnt fair, im intelligent enough to understand that, but idk i feel like its just too big of shoes to fill and it's making me feel insecure, and im a confident girl and i dont like the feeling.
tldr: confusing behaviors, idk if istp is hung up on ex.