u/Least-Programmer9417

Hi

I’m on 15mg. One month in.

Live saving. The sleep means I am not sat in my depression for hours and hours into the endless relentless unforgiving night. When I spoke to my

GP I ordered a rope and said to them I’ve ordered a rope. I want to go onto this. Whichever one gets to me first is plan A. Got the pills that day and the rope arrived the next day so that’s just sat in my car now.

I think it’s lifted my emotional floor a touch? I feel sad still but numbness dominates a lot. I hear that 30mg is more activating?

My question is, has anyone (I am 35m) gone from 15 to 30. Did you notice much of a change? Did it make you happier! Was the sleep still good?

I’m worried about losing the sleep. If I feel as depressed as I do now and I get my insomnia back I’m gonna go find a tree to hang from so I can get some peace. But this has meant I can actually sleep so it’s making this a battle I have the ability to fight. I’m worried I’ll lose the sleep help at 30 but also I am so looking forward to feeling happy again. I haven’t felt happy for months. I really really miss the emotion

Anyone got a story to share from 15 to 30

For context. No side effects for me. Slightly more hungry. I have lost 1.5kg in the last month on this because I am strict and can manage the hunger. No head aches. The sedation is welcome. I wish I had MORE brain fog. No bad effects on this for me. All good

Hi

Edit - Mediterranean auto corrects to meditation for me. Sorry gang! Good spot in the comments.

For context, I shoot a handicap of about 44-48. I can shoot 80 yards with a sight on my Olympic recurve. I can shoot med by anchoring under my chin and using the sight pin on the target.

Bare bow field style I am ok with three under. I can string walk a bit for some shots and I can hit some ok shots from various distances on our field course.

I feel like because I have a 60” American flat bow, the tillering is definitely set up for med as many flat bows are. Whenever I try to shoot med I have absolutely zero picture of where the arrow is going. If I anchor under my chin like with Olympic shooting then the arrow always goes high (obviously). If I shoot with a cheek or tooth anchor the arrow will always go left or right as I can’t really get a string picture sorted

I see loads of people shoot med bare bow. How the hell are you guys doing it?! What black magic am I missing?

Hi

I’ve lived with this for most of my life. I have some awareness of like where it came from (I am from a big family with a lot of people and literally EVERY single one of them. My parents, all my aunts and uncles, like all 40 of them, both grand parents on both sides, all of them met someone in their teenage years, fell in love, got married and are still together with them today. Everyone is in units and my parents put an healthy amount of significance/value on sexual intimacy and it was super walled off for me as a teenager starting to experience those things). I’m mid 30s and male so this stuff has lasted.

Growing up I have always been with girls with little to no previous partners. First serious partner had one previous and that’s all. Next serious was a virgin. Next serious was like 3 partners or something. The RJ showed up for the person with 3 which is ridiculous. For me it’s not about “is she going to do x y and z now she’s with me”, I’ve been cheated on 4 times but I’ve never worked through that and I now have a good sense of what loyalty looks and feels like. I’m now with a girl who I fell in love with a few years ago. We are on track to get married this year. We bonded, she has had a rough life and has grown into the most beautiful incredible caring sweet loyal person. But she has a significant amount of precious partners which bothers me.

Now to be blunt, I do too. We have a similar amount (I suspect hers is higher based off recent conversations but we’re talking a difference of like 1-5 not mountains). We’re both around 20 but she may be above or below where as I am dead on the nose. In the past she claimed to be lower but I found out she “doesn’t count one night stands” but also didn’t like them so only had one or two anyway.

I’ve been sexual active with 20 people, I’ve had times where I have had multiple partners as a single person going “fuck RJ. If I’m single and I don’t attach then I can’t get hurt (spoiler alert. That does work but it’s hard to build anything real with the people). So like I essentially have no right to feel how I do.

I’ve done CBT and talk therapy before and I’ve managed the normal jealousy. And she had one long term partner for 6 years and she grew so much with the guy. It was a real positive part of her life. I don’t feel any irrational jealousy with him. But during her past she had a real toxic horrible situation involving 3 guys…. The fact it’s more than one person and the fact that it was her being taken advantage of has literally broken me as a human being. I am on anti depressants. I was very close to making an attempt at my own life. I’m angry that it happened. I’m angry at the guys. I’m angry that she enabled it (in her own words basically). I’m so fucking upset and angry and just broken by it and it’s killing me. She has told me about it near to the wedding and I feel trapped and hurt and like I can’t actually have the space to process this and figure out how I feel because we’re too far in now. It’s the fact of who it was and that they did not fucking deserve that and SHE didnt deserve that and like, honestly this is the only place in the world I think strangers will read and understand where my head is.

We’re both in our 30s. We’ve both got a past. We both have baggage. We both want kids. I’m 35 so everyone has baggage. We have such an incredible life and incredible relationship together and the thing I am upset about is from 12 years ago. I logically know I have no right to be upset. I logically understand her experiences made her into who she is today. I logically know I am blessed by this woman and she deals with my jealousy and issues so well and is very forgiving and understanding and non judgemental. This relationship is excellent and it is worth putting the work in. But I am fundamentally broken as a person and carrying this has put me onto anti depressants for the first time in my life as an adult. I’m with the nhs and I find out if my gp request for a psychiatrist has been approved next week.

I have previously been set off by stupid stuff too. Like honestly really stupid things that I am able to now recognise as mental clutter and to move the thought on as background noise. But I need to know that this can get better.

Anyone who has beaten it or is in proper recovery or who has had to deal with their partner being fully taken advantage of by multiple nasty people, please tell me I have some hope at the end of this. I’m currently looking at stronger anti depressant drugs and changing my mindset from thriving and building to just surviving but it’s an exhausting and perpetually painful state to be in. I’m so fucking sad and I miss being able to enjoy the good things in my life. Can I beat this or am I just delusional?