u/Legitimate-Tie-7060

Had a drug overdose (ego dissolution) and it changed how I see God

Backstory on how I accidentally took it, I live alone and I struggle with depression and I’m medicated for it. It was the lowest point of my life because I felt alone so I decided to do a drug. I have past experience with this drug before, including other drug of the similar class

I decided to get this drug from a new source because one I had I was getting before was weak. I tried dosing 1 then 1.5 then 3 and I thought it was either the batch or my tolerance. My assumption was my mental medications numb the effects of drugs because it does with marijuana. So I got this new batch and my past self thought since my tolerance was high due to frequent use and my meds, I should take 5 of it and that was the start of something I’ll regret for a long time, it gave me PTSD cause i never took this again.

1.5 hours later I could only feel a mild visual and said to myself okay this is as expected because of my tolerance. But not long after that everything started increasing. The drug got really strong at this point. My visions became intense, like I’m living in a dream but still fully awake. Objects were moving and changing and it felt real. My thoughts started getting scattered and I couldn’t focus on anything properly.nAt some point I went outside and that’s where things got worse. I was walking around but I wasn’t really processing anything. I had small interactions with people but I wasn’t making sense and I could tell something was off but I couldn’t fix it. It felt like I was in reality but not actually part of it. like everything was slightly disconnected and I was just moving through it.

At one point I ended up laying in a park in the middle of the night and couldn’t move and it felt like I forgot what I am or lost myself. It’s hard to explain but it felt like the “me” I normally carry around just slipped away. At first it was slight feeling like my thoughts werent attached to me and I was just watching them. Then it got deeper and the sense of “I am this person, with this past, these worries” started dissolving.

There wasn’t fear like I expected and more like confusion turning into a weird calm. It felt like death because time didn’t feel linear anymore and everything around me stopped feeling separate. Like there was no boundary between me and anything else. I felt awareness but no center to it and no “owner.” It’s like me in my mother’s womb or before I was born. Coming back from that state was almost jarring because don’t know how long I was there.

As I was coming back I could form thoughts again but I was still high. Eventually I made it home safe because I can form thoughts where home is etc. (still have visuals at this point)nWhen I got home I took my prescription meds because I was having extreme panic attacks. I remember laying in bed for hours trying to calm down before the high finally started to fade.

After that I went to shower and that’s when everything hit me started to sober up started realizing what just happened and I was like is that it? is that my life?

It was difficult because everything felt stripped down in a way I wasn’t ready for. Like all the distractions I usually hide behind were gone and I was just left with myself. It wasn’t peaceful clarity because it felt more like being exposed. Like I couldn’t escape my own thoughts and they just kept looping, it was like dying and coming back to life. After that my mind wouldn’t let it go. I kept replaying everything over and over especially how far gone I was mentally. I got depressed for months.

I also kept seeing visuals after the trip for weeks (condition called HPPD) Something felt off, like I wasn’t fully back to normal. Everything had this weird distance to it and like I’m here but not completely here.

It felt like I didn’t know how to trust reality anymore. I didn’t know where to put my faith here so I stopped going to mass for months. Like I saw through it and didn’t know how to go back to just living normally. I didn’t know how to love people the same way knowing everything felt like a construct, like every thought was just a function of my ego. It felt like everything i believed in including my faith was just my mind.

I started studying philosophy and at first it felt like I was getting closer to answers. Like I could think my way out of the confusion. I read about consciousness and identity and what’s real and what’s not and it gave me language for what I experienced. But the more I read the more it spiraled because every answer just opened more questions so after a few months I started realizing that even if some of those thoughts feel deep, living in them constantly isn’t sustainable. Not everything needs to be solved at that level just to live a real life.

When I stopped going to mass my life became so miserable and depressed. It was january and I decided to attend mass again and I felt better the first time attended while on the way to mass, while walking with my airpods i cried while listening to a catholic choir song, at that moment something felt different inside me that I started to cry. (I was on the way to confession during this) and It felt like the holy spirit was so alive in me at that moment.

the ego dissolution feeling made me realize that I didn't give myself the same love that I give to others because I devalued myself in little ways all day, every day as a habit (especially lust involving other random people). I didn't love myself properly.

I've always known that the world is so connected and that we need to treat each other well but having a first hand experience of ego dissolution leading to an understanding of how self love connects you to the universe that God created is life altering

To be honest the person who I was before cannot exist after the experience. I am became new, I attend mass frequently, go to confession, and try to be a good catholic.

but the worst thing is after all of that I still have doubts now and its so hard to face it. Lately I can’t feel God, my mind is auto pilot in mass. I never felt that “spiritual emotion” again before going back to the church. I feel like my prayers are not working because the same petitions Ive been asking are not happening no matter how much I try to work hard for it.

Right now it feels like everything is just my mind. It feels like identity is fake and all my thoughts are just “processes” it feels like everything including faith is “constructed” by my mind. During that moment my brain shut down the stable sense of “self” and it made my thoughts the only thing left. It felt like there was nothing but awareness.

What if Im nothing after and this living is useless? I try to believe and God and what if that’s the case? then living is useless, everyday i struggle with what the ultimate meaning of everything is.

I feel like Im just a small drop of in the ocean of people. Who will live, exist, and die. Just like before me and after me. I feel so small compared to everything that i feel so insignificant. I view humanity from space (my mind is zooming out too far). If you look at how small earth is from space its so small, replaceable, and kind of meaningless. If i look at earth from space I don’t see friendships, i dont see someone crying, i dont see love sacrifice or care. I always have this constant big picture awareness and its affecting me daily.

What about someone who lived, suffered, and died in some ancient war I feel like no one remembers them. Doesn’t that prove a life can just disappear and mean nothing? These thoughts are always in my head and its affecting me daily.

What do i do if I feel this way about life.