u/Legitimate_Warning72

We have been together for about 5 months, she only recently thinks she might have something like PMDD, or something to do with her cycle. I thought that her extreme verbal abuse just had to do with PMDD and luteal, but I have realized that this extends past her luteal phase, which just means it's abuse I guess, it's just a lot worse in luteal.

The last interaction we had, I tried to tell her I was unhappy in our relationship, and that I felt criticized often. She yelled at me and criticized me for not bringing this up at the right time, right way, etc. I asked her why she wasn't curious about why I feel criticized, why she wasn't curious about why I'm feeling the way I'm feeling, and she couldn't give me an answer.

I am thinking of ending this relationship, but she has just started her luteal phase today. She has started her luteal phase with a text kind of trying to apologize I guess, but it mostly confirmed my fears that she isn't interested in my feelings.

What do I do? Do I wait until luteal is over? Do I go no contact? Do I say something now to let her know this isn't ok?

Hey everyone, first time poster in this subreddit.

We have been together for 5 months, both queer, both do similar work and are in similar communities.

There were various moments even early in the relationship where she would have a moment of total rage and say extremely mean as well as just completely untrue things. She would hurl insults, call me a narcissist, say I was manipulating her, call me a coward or weak, that I was being avoidant if I walked away, etc. There have been times we have had volcanic screaming fights, which is something I have never done in my entire life.

At some point she realized she might have PMDD (or something that makes her sense of reality go out the window during luteal), and so I thought maybe those conflicts had only happened during her luteal phase. Unfortunately, in this last cycle, she’s had moments of rage where she is yelling and criticizing me. It doesn’t seem to be just PMDD that is causing this.

We had a moment recently where I needed her to apologize for some really awful things she said during her luteal phase, and she really didn’t want to take accountability. It took multiple tries to get an apology out of her. There have been very few times that she has apologized for things she has done or said.

Our last interaction I tried to tell her that I was unhappy in the relationship and felt criticized very often. She got angry and told me I shouldn’t be telling her this right now, why didn’t I tell her at this other time in this other way, she wouldn’t have done it in such an insensitive way, etc. I know that how I was speaking to her was calm and not insensitive, and is an extension of how she puts me down.

I thankfully have many journal entries since we’ve been dating documenting some of the things she’s said. I wrote this down about 4 months ago:

• I feel I am not listened to.
• I feel mocked and attacked about petty and unkind things.
• I feel my words are being taken badly no matter how compassionately or lovingly I choose them.
• I feel heartbroken and disconnected from you, I feel like I am talking to a completely different person in these moments.
• I feel scared about every single thing I am doing, and like I'm walking through a minefield.
• I feel paralyzed, like every word or action is wrong.
• I feel angry when you lecture me with context, but don't have any curiosity for my own feelings or perspective about a situation, as if your perspective is the only truth.
• I feel my needs are not recognized at all.
• I feel I am not being accepted for who I am

I hope I’m in the right subreddit and that no one will think I’m crazy, but I would like her to get better. I don’t want her to abuse me, and I want her to address her abandonment trauma and anxious attachment so that she doesn’t treat me like this (or any possible future partners). To me she is clearly perpetuating abuse and trauma that she has experienced, and bringing that into our intimate relationship. She doesn’t treat her friends like this, and she has a strong friendship group, a lot of whom I also know, or have come to know. She’s a beautiful and good person, but she is abusing me, and it's not sustainable for this relationship.

I am physically safe, and can safely leave this relationship if I want to. I am definitely considering it right now. My ideal would be that we take a break, that she gets helps and therapy, and that we come back to each other. Or if we can have a major moment of repair and reconciliation, I would feel like we could move forward.

How can I talk to her about her abusive behavior with the goal of lovingly calling her in so we can repair and reconcile what has happened?

How can she get support to change her behavior?

Hey everyone, first time poster in this subreddit.

We have been together for 5 months, both queer, both do similar work and are in similar communities.

There were various moments even early in the relationship where she would have a moment of total rage and say extremely mean as well as just completely untrue things. She would hurl insults, call me a narcissist, say I was manipulating her, call me a coward or weak, that I was being avoidant if I walked away, etc. There have been times we have had volcanic screaming fights, which is something I have never done in my entire life.

At some point she realized she might have PMDD (or something that makes her sense of reality go out the window during luteal), and so I thought maybe those conflicts had only happened during her luteal phase. Unfortunately, in this last cycle, she’s had moments of rage where she is yelling and criticizing me. It doesn’t seem to be just PMDD that is causing this.

We had a moment recently where I needed her to apologize for some really awful things she said during her luteal phase, and she really didn’t want to take accountability. It took multiple tries to get an apology out of her. There have been very few times that she has apologized for things she has done or said.

Our last interaction I tried to tell her that I was unhappy in the relationship and felt criticized very often. She got angry and told me I shouldn’t be telling her this right now, why didn’t I tell her at this other time in this other way, she wouldn’t have done it in such an insensitive way, etc. I know that how I was speaking to her was calm and not insensitive, and is an extension of how she puts me down.

I thankfully have many journal entries since we’ve been dating documenting some of the things she’s said. I wrote this down about 4 months ago:

• I feel I am not listened to.
• I feel mocked and attacked about petty and unkind things.
• I feel my words are being taken badly no matter how compassionately or lovingly I choose them.
• I feel heartbroken and disconnected from you, I feel like I am talking to a completely different person in these moments.
• I feel scared about every single thing I am doing, and like I'm walking through a minefield.
• I feel paralyzed, like every word or action is wrong.
• I feel angry when you lecture me with context, but don't have any curiosity for my own feelings or perspective about a situation, as if your perspective is the only truth.
• I feel my needs are not recognized at all.
• I feel I am not being accepted for who I am

I hope I’m in the right subreddit and that no one will think I’m crazy, but I would like her to get better. I don’t want her to abuse me, and I want her to address her abandonment trauma and anxious attachment so that she doesn’t treat me like this (or any possible future partners). To me she is clearly perpetuating abuse and trauma that she has experienced, and bringing that into our intimate relationship. She doesn’t treat her friends like this, and she has a strong friendship group, a lot of whom I also know, or have come to know. She’s a beautiful and good person, but she is abusing me, and it's not sustainable for this relationship.

I am physically safe, and can safely leave this relationship if I want to. I am definitely considering it right now. My ideal would be that we take a break, that she gets helps and therapy, and that we come back to each other. Or if we can have a major moment of repair and reconciliation, I would feel like we could move forward.

How can I talk to her about her abusive behavior with the goal of lovingly calling her in so we can repair and reconcile what has happened?

How can she get support to change her behavior?

After an unsuccessful attempt at delaying a serious conversation, I made the mistake of mentioning PMDD and she got upset that I was tracking her period with the app she gave me access to.

She's told me I'm being manipulative by going behind her back and using the app to plan when to have serious conversations, so she has stopped responding to me and deleted my link to the app.

I'm kind of freaking out and just holding on to the hope that this will blow over when her period comes, but I'm devastated right now and could use some perspective or reassurance or advice or anything. I feel so alone and confused.

Hi everyone first time poster in this subreddit.

I have been dating someone for about 5 months and just during her last period did she mention that she thinks she might have PMDD. Her previous periods have been textbook PMDD in retrospect, so it absolutely makes sense and her symptoms check out.

So she is in her luteal phase right now, but we haven't had a chance to make a plan for her luteal phases yet since this is all so new. She's in a bad place and this morning was very angry at me and says that she needs to have a heart-to-heart. I told her that I don't have capacity until X Date (after her period starts) and ideally X Date (when her period ends), so it would be best if we could have the heart-to-heart then.

She says it's urgent and that I really need to prioritize it, otherwise she can't move forward relating. I'm not sure what to say or do, since we haven't had a chance to make any plans yet since it's all so new. According to all the wonderful resources here, I shouldn't engage with her right now.

Does anyone have advice for what I should say or how to handle this?

Update:

I tried the following.

1. I said: "The next week I think is not great since I want to really focus on work this week, but let's schedule something for next weekend or the week after this coming week. For example X Date, Y Date, Z Date."
   1. She said that she needed to talk urgently.
2. I said we should get some sleep first and then check in.
   1. After sleeping she is still feeling that we need to urgently talk.
3. I said: "Sure that makes sense. I understand that this is important and I’d like to give it the attention is deserves, but I don’t have capacity for a serious dialogue until next weekend at the earliest. Could you explain to me why this is so urgent so I can understand better?"
   1. She said she doesn't want to text about it and needs to meet in person to discuss and that it feels like I'm avoiding connecting with her.
4. I said: "I’m sorry it feels like I’m avoiding connecting, that’s not my intention. I would really like to see you today, but I really don’t have capacity to have a serious conversation until the dates I gave. What I can offer is to meet in nature, listen to you, and write down what you want to bring to me so that we can dialogue about it when I have capacity. What do you think?"
   1. She said no.

So I've told her that unfortunately doesn't work for me then. This is so painful, I miss her so much and I just want her to be ok.