u/LeviathanAstro1

It's really hard to vent about this because there is quite literally almost a decade and a half worth of complicated history to make any sense of it - it took a month and a half of sessions + at least a half dozen emails with my therapist before I could even convey the scope of the saga, but basically I'm deeply in love with my dear friend, with whom I have been physically intimate on multiple occasions, and frankly it feels wrong to call them merely a "friend with benefits" at this point.

I think they're probably a dismissive-avoidant, while I'm a fearful avoidant, and this conflict between us ultimately boils down to, "We need to stop dancing around the subject and decide what we are to each other". I'm trying to use this time to work on myself, heal my attachment wounds, focus on my career, make healthier choices, and move with intention - and it's working, objectively speaking I've been making amazing strides that I wouldn't have thought possible even a year ago - and I know that sometimes no-contact is needed, but I won't pretend like I don't miss them dearly. Often I still found myself wishing I could share my joy with them, share the experiences I had while I was away, wishing they could have been there with me.

Genuinely, I do not want to lose them, and my anxious/fearful side is in full panic mode because a LOT of big changes plus some heavy family news hit me all at once, meanwhile the one person I want to talk to the most clearly is struggling with a lot in their own life... and truly, I wish that I could be there for them just as much as I wish they could be here with me. It isn't even that I don't have anyone I can talk to about it, it's that it's increasingly getting so complicated to explain our relationship in the first place that the only way we can cut through the noise is by having an honest, vulnerable dialogue with each other.

We need this time apart, truly I think we need it before we can move forward, but it still sucks and I hate having to go through the long and arduous wait.

Anywag thanks for letting me rant here, I'm gonna try to get to sleep bc I have an interview in the morning.

Good afternoon!

To keep it relatively short and sweet, one of my longtime friends is having his wedding celebration at the end of October, and I really would like to attend since we haven't seen each other in years. The only concern is that he and his husband are based in Kentucky, and I'll be coming from Maryland through West Virginia/Virginia panhandle. I'll be traveling solo as a nonbinary, light-skinned individual who "stealths" as a queer woman, and would love to know if anyone here has tips for safe travels; my main concerns are sundown towns, and my license officially has an X in the "sex" marker, so while I don't plan on stopping much nor am I inclined to driving in a way that might attract cops, it's still a pretty right-wing area and something like that might draw unwanted attention if I need to show ID.

Any advice is appreciated 🙏 thank you so much in advance!

To save a long and rambling story, I have a FWB that I've had about 13 years of history with, we've always sort of approached the idea of being "more than friends", but would stop short of taking that step (and this is on both of us tbh). I've been head over heels for them for this entire time, at this point I feel like it goes way past a simple crush because the more I learn about them, the more I find to love and swoon over.

Even now, we're in possibly our first major conflict, and it stresses me out because I had gotten used to hanging out with them and their friends in voice chat... but I'm in the process of doing some major personal healing, and I told them that sometimes, even when I struggled to heal for my own sake, I would think of them and it helped me to keep doing the hard work. Just by existing and knowing that they're one of the people I consider closest to my heart, they inspire me to be a better version of myself. I've needed to take some time to focus on other things in my life.

Still, though, I think of them lovingly, perhaps even moreso since our conflict began. Neither of us is particularly good at dealing with emotional conversations or being vulnerable, but I took accountability as much as I could, even when it pained me; and by the same token, I came forth about my struggles, and emphasized that they're one of the people that I love and care about most, that I want to spend more time with them no matter what the nature of our relationship is at this point. They may be upset with me still, they may not be, but I think we needed this opportunity to get closer, it's just requiring some detachment right now. I still smile a little when I think of the silly voices they do, or when they gush about their favorite card game, or about Star Trek, I just love listening to them and being in their presence. I feel safer when we're near each other, no matter where we are, and I generally prefer my own company otherwise so they are particularly special to me.

Despite my gripes and annoyances with them right now, I still care, and I love them even more. This is a difficult time, but I believe that we'll be able to build something stronger together in the aftermath; I'm patient, I've waited this long for this conversation to happen, I would rather we do this correctly even if it requires a period of temporary separation to do so. I believe that they can and likely will rise to the challenge, and I believe that we can work through our differences.

I'm gonna end up repeating myself if I go on too long but I just... love them a lot. Even when we're upset at each other. Even when we both suck at being upfront about our feelings. No more crushing, I'm putting the real warts-and-all love in here.

Thanks for reading 🩵💜

Some of you may recognize me from my Zoologist sample reviews! I'm here again because I really enjoy Alkemia's Dust of Snow, and would like to find a scent that might complement it for layering.

The notes are listed on the site as follows:

"Fresh fallen snow falling from bare tree branches, subtle whispers of hemlock pine, galbanum, ginger, lemonwood, witch hazel flowers, and damp wool."

I enjoy the vaguely liminal quality of it, the mental image it gives me is of a snowy day at the edge of a forest or large patch of trees, a cloudy sky with a slightly orange cast, it's a quiet and warm solitude even though the temperature is cold. I currently plan to get it as an oil, but Alkemia also offers alcohol-free sprays.

I tried it with Zoologist's Snowy Owl, but that feels too "indoors" for the vibe I'm after. I also don't want anything too frigid or icy, I still want a little bit of approachability, like a deer who's relatively used to people but may still spook and flee if someone gets too close, too quickly.

Preferential to smaller/independent houses, but I'm open to just about anything.

Thanks and much appreciated!!

One of the things that gave me the tiniest hits of gender euphoria as a nonbinary/xenogender person even before I had my hysterectomy, and it would be moments where people would "sir" me, but even if they "corrected" themselves to say "ma'am", it didn't bother me too much. In fact I actually loved it if they apologized afterward, because I could straight up say, "No need to apologize", like in retrospect it felt like a kind of harmless mind game; by that I mean, I am genuinely being polite as well as honest when I say there's no need to apologize, but it's also potent because it's a way to say, "I don't really care what gender you think I am, as long as you thought about it."

The thing is that I've taken estradiol to manage PCOS, which itself causes a natural imbalance of testosterone, but now it seems like my features have genuinely started to appear more androgynous?? I was wearing my mask, had my hair - which is shoulder length when it's in its natural curls - out, wasn't wearing a flannel (because it was like 80 something degrees out) so I wasn't exactly hiding my chest under one of my literal oldest band shirts, like from about 2005/2006-ish, and all things considered it has held up shockingly well given that I have never been the most meticulous about laundry, but I digress... the little South Asian lady at Tropical Smoothie Café called me "sir", and I didn't hear her correct herself. Even if she did, though, I still win because it means she had to think about it in order to actively switch.

Still, I had found myself looking in the mirror differently anyway; I had always liked the idea of appearing androgynous, but couldn't imagine what that would actually look like so I figured it wouldn't be a realistic transition goal unless I fucked with my hormones even more than they already are, or got plastic surgery. At first I thought I was just imagining it, wishful thinking maybe, but after that I realized maybe it's the real deal.

Then it hit me, "Holy shit, I'm *hot* now! Wait, holy shit, I'm HOT now!? When did THAT happen!?!??"

I've always kind of knew I was "conventionally attractive" for most of my life, but while I do have very symmetrical/ well-balanced features, I felt like there was something just slightly... *wrong* about my face, and I couldn't put my finger on what it was. I knew it was me when I would look in the mirror of course, but only in the most literal, intellectual way, and I have no idea if the dysmorphia or the dissociation came first (actually, that's the first time I even considered that I might have had more *dysmorphia* than dysphoria) I just didn't really feel like the person in the mirror reflected "me". It nearly killed what little self-confidence I had left.

Now, though?

Holy fuck, *I'm* hot. Not just physically, I feel like I have real PRESENCE and AURA!

Holy shit, I was hot *all along*, but because I had forgotten who *I* was, because I had been masking and closeted and living a life that wasn't mine, I had basically been so deep undercover that I began to lose myself. I had almost forgotten that I'm *supposed to* have so much more light in my eyes than I did.

Not only is the light back on, it feels like it's *ablaze*.

My soul is on fire in the best possible way, and I hope my fellow transneutral folks get to experience that same kind of burning, passionate euphoria for themselves.