That feeling of emptying your bowels is so relieving. It’s like your body is cleansing itself. And once you get all of it out you feel even better. When I realize I have diarrhea I can’t wait to run to the bathroom and let it all out.
It’s also feels good having it come out like water.
I am tired of this trope that it’s never too late. Yes as long as you’re alive, you can do said thing. But that doesn’t mean that there was a time and place to do that thing. Say for example romantic relationships. People are much more likely to struggle finding a compatible partner because they have been inexperienced in their teens/twenties. Or somebody who starts their career late. They have to work their ass off now in hopes that they can save for retirement. The reality is, you are only as young as you are today, so if you do miss out on doing something younger, you won’t ever get to do that thing at that age ever.
I say it’s detrimental because if you tell someone it’s not too late you suck the fire away that they need to go after what they want.
Let people freak out that they are running out of time dammit so they don’t have even more regrets.
Before I experienced derealization, I used to really get engrossed in a movie, especially at a movie theater. After about 10 minutes into the movie, I’d feel myself getting sucked in visually. And when I left I felt this sort of “coming back” to the world. I miss that feeling because I felt more engaged like I was getting immersed in the story.
Now it’s like when I watch a movie im always aware of the walls around the screen. It’s flat. I know it’s just a movie.
Same for video games I don’t get pulled into the game world anymore.
I think this is something else I miss about my life before I’ve experience this condition.
I am able to be forgiving of others but not myself. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.
I literally been thinking about what I did to people years ago recently. Like it’s gotten to the point where I think about it almost every day. I’ve thought about it to the point where I don’t even know what the right thing to do is anymore.
I feed bad about what I did, I have made steps to not repeat the behaviors, but I have this fear that if I don’t reach out and apologize or make amends, I’m leaving something unfinished and that’s worse than the original transgression. But I also fear if I do reach out and they didn’t want to hear from me I risk hurting them more. I don’t want to make it worse.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, it’s been years since I’ve seen these people. 5 years. Am I evil if I don’t apologize or make amends? Is it okay if I accept this extra mistake of not making amends and forgive myself for not doing it sooner or when It would have been more for them and less for my guilt?
I’m finding myself punishing myself in my everyday life because the guilt is consuming me. And I want to stop. I just want permission to stop punishing myself. People go to jail for years and then they leave and they are free to live their lives. I feel like I’m slowly putting myself in a psychological prison. I’m not focusing on my goals or improving myself because I don’t feel like I deserve it.
I’ve told people what I’ve done and one person said I thought you were going to say this horrible thing you did.
I’m just finding that me punishing myself about this is inadvertently hurting others because I’m not allowing myself to grow as fast as I know I’m capable of. And allowing more goodness toward others. I just want to be allowed to grow and be better now. Not because I fixed everything in the past. Not because I acknowledge that failure to those people who aren’t in my life anymore.
So I basically wasted probably 15 years on the internet. Half of it I was as in school and had friends but my free time still consisted of mindless entertainment. The other 7 I have been working odd jobs and the other half of my time was the internet. I am 29 now. I cried last night because I realized how much I’ve missed out on. I’ve used the internet to soothe all my anxiety and fears. And now I regret that. Had I taken risks five years ago and been open to being awkward it would be way better now. I joined an in person book club and I’m terrified of going because I know I am going to have nothing to talk about. Not recent friend hangouts. Not my partner that doesn’t exist. No creative hobbies. The video games are the only thing I really remember from my mindless binges and even then I’m embarrassed to talk about them.
How the fuck can I change this if I have nothing to show? I feel like I have no life resume so who would want to be friends with me? But I can’t make friends if I don’t try???
Idk what to do. I hate myself and I did this to myself. I feel myself wanting to give up and just go back to distracting myself with this crap.
What can I do to make myself interesting enough to talk to people and make friends again? How do I explain the gap in my life?