u/LilaSpritez

^(For the record: yes I) ^(did) ^(try to make the title rhyme despite the fact that the word "year"...does not..rhyme with the rest of the title.......k moving alooong~)

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this past week has been..a slow burn of a train wreck for me emotionally, which ngl I didn't expect cause it..yaknow, hit me like a train wreck..

Annyways, recently I had been trying out different relationships on the more casual end (and to adhere with the rules of this subreddit all I can say was that the origins of most of these relationships did not begin as sfw. I'll leave it at that but hopefully that's okay for me to type here).

A week ago though, I met an amazing guy after he reached out to me online. Even tho we were on opposite sides of the country, we were both pleasantly surprised at how well we related to each other. He got me to laugh in ways I didn't think I could, we enjoyed the same type of manga, and not only did I see him as a really good friend, but he felt...sincere. Genuine. Like someone that I felt would truly care for me.

We sent lil voice notes to each other, told each other about life goals, chatted with each other and just like didn't wanna stop talking either, and had a very fun and lighthearted call that left me feeling really glad that I found him.

Buut not only did time prove me wrong, but in the heat of the moment one night, we said some really, really emotional stuff. While the relationship was short, it was also really intense (maaybe outta nowhere??). Like we would spill lovey dovey stuff that a couple would say, even tho we weren't. Even some really cheesy stuff, and (dare I say) a few l-bombs thanks to a literal mistranslation that I didn't clarify in time, because I thought I had a little bit more time with him.

For the unfortunate best, he made the decision that we should stop what we had, because while we were both grateful that we had a chance to meet each other, we kinda both knew deep down that it wouldn't work, even tho I pleaded with him to hear me out because I didn't want to stop talking to him. There was a whole other messy side I wanted to work out with him, but I think if I did try to explain any further, I was probably gonna end up hurting him even more.

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All in all, I don't blame him for what he did with ending what we had, but by god..as a girl who has both never dated AND has never done literally anything with like an actual relationship before..it did feel nice to have a lil bit of a taste of what love could be like. Like a lil itty-bitty teeny-tiny sliver of a slice of a pie.

Its so weird for me, because for YEARS I thought that I didn't even crave love. And yet...after knowing him, I can't deny: it felt nice to imagine someone that I could cuddle with, someone who could cherish me, confide in me their worries, and just...it felt really nice man...

Part of me is like "Hey, at least you got to know what love could be like!". That said, I also keep telling myself "Great, out of aaaaall the short platonic relationships I've had in my life, I just haaad to experience a fraction of love in this one...with the one that was doomed from the start"

Confusing stuff. fun :/

A few times at work, my coworkers have asked me if I still live with my parents (for context I'm one of the younger coworkers lol), to which I said yes. My older coworkers would then proceed to tell me how I should cherish having to live with parents since I don't pay any rent. But ooooohhh how I WISH I could explain it to them....

The truth is that honestly, my parents don't pay rent. I think they mainly pay internet and insurance, but other than that nothing else. My Dad lucked out and got a solid job offer that covered housing and utilities without cutting into his pay. Alongside that, his hourly wage is moderately competitive and can support most of our financial stuff.

However, while this does sound EXTREMELY good on paper, there's a huge cost still: my dad has to dedicate their time and availability to the company 24/7. I hardly get to see them, and while he is physically exhausted from work, my mom is moderately exhausted from work and keeping up house maintaince. One can imagine how the tension gets at times.

I'm in my early 20s, and god does it suck living with them. While I did go to uni for a few years, due to a change in careers and losing several of my scholarships with that change, I ended up having to drop out and live with my parents for a bit while I try to save up money for the first 1-2 years at uni again.

but gosh darn is god really testing me cause why did I never realize how badly they sucked at communication and being able to regulate their emotions?

Since I don't see my dad alot, its mainly me with my mom and my sister, and with my mom there's definteily been some rough consistent habits that still stick with me to this day. Like how whenever she gets mad at me, she tends to be louder than usual (says that's just how she is, that she isn't yelling, or that I'm exaggerating, leading me to question when any other person is actually yelling or not). Her being loud tends to upset me, and when I'm upset or frustrated, I tend to cry (its been like this since I was a child). This causes my mom to get even MORE upset and mad, which leads to me crying EVEN MORE. And it just turns into an ugly cycle.

Nowadays I really do try my hardest to not cry in front of her. I already had some skills from when I was a kid that I can use, like how if no one looks at me, I can be sobbing to death and yet I can hold up my voice enough to make sound like its normal and not filled with tears. Or how I've learned how to distinguish my parents footsteps and breathing even if they're not in the same room as me. Recently I've even learned to only attempt to say serious things to her in public places like at a restaurant or a cafe, cause while this may sound a bit mean to do to her, she somehow has enough emotional regulation in a cafe and its much safer for me to tell her stuff this way.

And for the most part, things go okay, like....85% of the time.

But still like.. I wish i wasn't so on edge 15% of the time. I wish I didn't have to resort to crying in my car or in my room. I wish I didn't live in a housing situation where going out of my house is a 1 hr. struggle due to the area I live in. I wish having the humility to admit when I don't know something didn't leave me feeling like crap and still clueless. I wish sitting down and trying to have a conversation with her didn't lead to her responding like "So, you don’t feel safe with me? Okay Ig I'm the problem", "Stop exaggerating", "Don't you have the capacity to read?" or one of my favs: *"*I went through all these horrible things, so I can't understand why you could even be depressed when you have everything"

And okay I will try to make it fair to them: I can be at times difficult to deal with. Like if I am upset, sometimes if I'm not crying I just stay silent and nonverbal, to which from their point of view it makes it harder to talk to me or ask something. I can recognize that. The sad flipside of that is that the reason I am nonverbal in the moment is because I know that sadly I can't be open to discussing my problems or issues with them, cause somehow they take it the wrong way, and when I try to explain myself better they still remain in the same mindset. Or heck, they just straight up refuse to take accountability and/or pretend that everything is completely fine while ignoring the pressing issues at hand.

I know I have flaws. And I know I have issues too. But heck, if anyone else outside my family got a chance to know me for the first time, they'd never know how stark of a difference it is in how empathic and open-minded I can be outside vs. inside my house, cause its what I give out to others freely that I lack at home. I don't ever wanna give someone such a hard time with me as my mom has, so that's why I do strive to be different. I just really, pathetically, wish I could give my family at home the same thing too without regretting it immediately after.

I sorta just...feel alone in this. Am I a hypocrite? A rather disingenuous person? Maybe I'm not practicing what I preach?

All in all, I am still trying to save up money to move out. Right now my goal is to move out in roughly 2.5 years, and while I already have a used car I bough in cash (yay!), I still have quite a bit of a way to go since I plan to be financially independent from them as much as possible. I had a seasonal job for a few months so I'm currently waiting to hear if I'm gonna be hired for off-season this year (if not then I'll try to look for a different job just to make sure I got some money coming in). I've been trying different ways to cope at home with things like wearing headphones to try to not get startled by her loudness or anything that can make me tense. Snuggling with weighted blankets help too. Small stuff like this help atm when my social circle is basically nothing.

With that said, I kinda wanna know as to if anyone has any comment on if like....maybe I am missing something? Am I taking the wrong action? I do see someone at my clinic for mental health support, but I get so confused with the titles of certain positions that I genuinely don't know if I'm actually getting help or not. Or heck if anyone else has been through this before that'd be nice to know, would help me feel less crazy while I'm stuck with my folks heh...

*pulls up in an office chair spinning at 128 mph*

Hoi hoiii!! Call me Kariine!! c:

Currently I’m lying in bed exhausted n tired due to some errands I had to run, so whilee I am likely to fall asleep soon, I’ll have a tiiiiny bit of free time tonight and a bit more tomorrow so I’m mainly posting rn so future me doesn’t forget /bleh

ANNNYWAYS yee hoiii, I’m a gal who’s going to college online rn alongside a seasonal job, tho I can’t really go anywhere on account of me living in a rural town, so that's why I’m only interested in online convos atm.

• Ideally I’d wanna have a FWB situation, but like…circle with a red sharpie on the F part needing to be solid first. Once we connect a bit I think it could be a bit easier to get into the more NSFW stuff. Equally I’m also just down to being friends who can flirt lol. Oh and umm also I’m a sucker for friends-to-lovers dynamics hehe （´∀｀****）
• I’m very much someone into light teasing and flirty behavior, and while I may groan when told a dad joke, I do in fact like puns and funny wordplay. Puns and goofy/silly banter are an easy way to win me over!!
• Ooo before I forget I’d say I’m a bit inexperienced with both being flirty back and handling like…compliments n kind words so please be gentle and bare with me heh. I'm also just easily amused so I tend to keyboard smash A LOOOT lol

‼️ALSO AYO HEADS UP:: I’m mainly looking to chat with folks in the age range of like 21-26, SO PLEASE if you’re not in that age range please be respectful, don’t DM me. This goes for the creeps as well ‼️

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Some stuff about me:

• I live in Washington State, though the main reason why I’m not trying to tag this under the WA/Online one is because I live in the countryside and NOT anywhere near the big cities. I have gone to visit places like Seattle and Bothell several times tho, so I’m somewhat familiar with the area.
• I’d say I’m pretty patient, lil awkward, open-minded, VERY introverted until I meet a poor unfortunate soul someone I feel comfy to share my yap sessions with. I used to be sensitive, but now I’m more like selectively sensitive?? Meaning that I try to let my emotions out when I feel safe. I’ve definitely made dome progress in being kinder to myself tho so yaaay c:
• Since I live on the West coast, while I don’t mind having friends across the globe, I do have a preference for people who live in PST to EST timezones. Though it’s a pretty lenient rule of mine lmaoo.
• I’m a biiit into techy stuff, recently I’ve decided to look into some IT certifications cause I think it’d help justify the...*numerous* attempts I’ve made at fixing my laptop lol. OH ALSO one day when I got the time, money, AND space I wanna build my own PC hehe. I still am a bit rusty tho since a few years ago I decided to shift away from comp sci (not cause I hate it mind you, more cause I realized I do like techy stuff, just not to the point of carrying that into a career that I HAVE to make a living out of).
• My taste in music is very far and wide pfff, but some of my all time fav artists like Cranky, t+pazolite, Camellia, lapix, owl*tree, and KASAI HARCORES are a few I always have on loop <3
• I got Stardew valley [PC], tho I’m still new to it, and I also have Minecraft handy ( I keep procrastinating on my worlds AHH) and Human Fall Flat. The rest of the games I have are very solo player stuff, like I JUST got ultrakill so we shall see if I can get myself to play the gosh darn game I GOTTA start saving up to buy more indie games tho dsjhkskds.

AND NOOOW to the freaky stuff: I think I’ve been leaning into vers dom alot, tho for the most part I’m a switch. I’d say I’m a fan of freeuse, thigh rides, TIT FUCKS HOLY SHOOT I crave that more than anything in the world omgsdjsdkcs, rough sex, a good face fuck every then and now, needy moans ^(oh lord I crumble like a streusel if you got some pretty moans,) maybe cockwarming?? clothed sex too, and ig anything with grinding or riding lmao x3

Umm but yee that should cover the most of it! Sorry for shoving a big wall of text to ya heh. I think I can be fairly active on here, sometimes on discord too so if you're more comfy talking over there I don't mind!! I'm hoping to save up for a good mic soon cause I can't do calls atm (noisy background, similar to construction but not quite lol), tho if I time it right maybe voice notes would be cool. I've been told that my voice can be soothing?? but I'll let 🫵YOU be the judge of that.

but umm yee if you somehow scaled this whole post and haven't been deterred yet, then noice!! Oh and um be sure to DM me your ASL, hope to chat with ya soon!!

*as I leave,"You Spin Me Round (Like a Record)" plays while I spin away in my chair*