u/Lilunija

Hey zusammen!

Ich hoffe es ist OK, wenn ich hier über ein Problem bezühlich meiner Sexualität schreibe. Denn seit einem Jahr HRT hat sich diese sehr verändert und ich komme irgendwie nur noch bedingt klar.

Vor der HRT habe ich leider zu oft an mir selbst herumgespielt. Das empfand ich schon als belastend. So ziemlich genau 3 Tage nachdem ich zu ersten Mal Androcur genommen habe, war das bwz. der Drang weg. Und ich liebe es. Auch immer noch.

Seit etwas über einen halben Jahr habe ich einen Freund. Und der Sex mit ihm ist grandios.

Ich bin aber mittlerweile irgendwie an einem Punkt angekommen, an dem ich mir gar nicht mehr gestatte, sexuellen Spaß zu haben. Mit meinem Freund ist der Sex wie gesagt toll. Nur ohne Hilfe (z.B. durch einen Vibrator) bekomme ich keinen Orgasmus. Aber ich will auch irgendwie gar keine mehr haben. Mein letzter Orgasmus ist ewig her. Und den hatte ich auch nur, weil sich mein Freund diesen gewünscht hat. Mir alleine bereite ich so gut wie gar keinen Spaß mehr.

Ich gehe auch gerne auf (queere) Swingerpartys. Mittlerweile eher, weil ich mir dort in den letzten 2 Jahren soziale Kontakte aufgebaut habe. Ich kann auf fast jede Partys im Umkreis gehen und kenne dort jemanden. Sowas hatte ich bisher nie in meinem Leben. Und das finde ich sehr toll.

Ursprünglich bin ich natürlich auch wegen sexuellen Begegnungen dort hin gegangen. Aber mit der Zeit habe ich festgestellt, dass ich dort keine sexuellen Begegnungen zu erwarten habe. Im Gegensatz zu den anderen trans*Personen TVs/CDs auf den Partys. Ich hatte in bald 2 Jahren, wo ich 1-2 Mal ausgegangen bin eine einzige sexuelle Begebung. Aber mittlerweile zieht mich es einfach nur noch runter, dass nie was passiert. Soweit, dass ich mir gar nicht mehr genehmigen würde, dort Spaß zu haben. Im Gegenteil: Ich arbeite freiwillig an der Bar oder DJe und hoffe, dass mein Freund dort mit irgendwem den Spaß hat, der mir verwehrt bleibt bzw. den ich mir nicht genehmige. Zudem veranstalten ich selbst entsprechende aktiv Partys, weil es sowas für den Personenkreis nicht gibt, wo ich aber selbst gar nicht dran teilnehmen kann.

Ich weiß einfach nicht mehr, wie ich mit der ganzen Situation umgehen soll. Meine Blutwerte sind in Ordnung. Ich nehme seit einem Monat zusätzlich Progesteron, aber meine Depris bezüglich dieser Thematik bestanden bereits vorher. Nur wurden sie durch die Erfahrungen in der letzten Zeit schlimmer. Weil ich trotz allem vieles ausprobiert habe, aber nichts funktioniert hat. Deswegen habe ich fast nach jeden Ausgehen totale depressive Verstimmungen. Teilweise über mehrere Tage. Aber das ausgehen ist mir halt sehr wichtig. Ansonsten habe ich (aus gesundheitlichen Gründen) nicht viel / nicht viele andere Möglichkeiten.

Keine Ahnung, ob mir jemand dazu was sagen kann. Oder selbst die Veränderungen festgestellt hat, dass man sich sexuell nicht mehr gönnt oder annehmen kann. Würde mich auf jeden Fall sehr über einen Austausch freuen.

One week ago, I got my R1. But I cannot get the USB connection to my PC to work. Sometimes the R1 only shows as a grayed out Drive in Windows. Sometimes it connects, but only shows a blank SD. This also means, that all files on the SD are all lost. Only a couple of times, the R1 SD shows in Explorer as expected. This all happens with the drive option selected in the settings.

I also tried OTG. But then the device/SD doesn't show up. I tried it with the shipped firmware 1.6 and the 1.82b. Also tried multiple SD from Samsung and SanDisk. And testet the SD with hwtest2. Also tried fat32 and exfat.

I guess that's not normal behaviour. Or is it? Anybody has a clue how to solve the problem. I don't want to pull out the SD every time I want to have a new file on my R1.

So, I have a small problem and I’m not really sure who could help me with it - or if anyone can at all.

I often go to swinger parties because I’ve found them to be a safe space for me. But I’ve noticed that at these parties, the men especially absolutely never talk to me. I’d love to become sexually active at parties like that too, but I’m not passable. So people can tell that I’m trans (MtF). Even though I see myself as pretty attractive. (I have a few pictures of myself in my profile here.)

I do manage to strike up conversations with women, but the men in particular apparently don’t approach me or go further. A woman who isn’t particularly pretty can lie down on one of the mats and immediately get surrounded by men. But if I were to lie down there, absolutely nothing would happen. I tried it over and over. I’ve really tried absolutely everything. Even crazy things like a little LED sign or something like that.

I’m of course aware that I’m not the target audience at regular swinger parties. A lot of men just want sex with women and not with someone like me. But I was at a party with 500 people recently, and out of those 500 people, somehow nobody was interested in me enough to even just talk to me. And overall I keep wondering what I’m doing wrong -or whether I’m doing anything wrong at all.

There are of course queer swinger parties too. But for about a year now I’ve almost always been working as a DJ there. Which only makes my problem worse, because then I see that everyone else is having their sexual fun. The mats are always full, and people who look far less good than I do are lying there on the mat having a good time. But I still know from the past, when I wasn’t a DJ yet, that when I went to parties like that, nothing really ever happened either for me.

This has been a pattern throughout my going-out biography. I’ve been going out almost once or twice a week for nearly two years now. But almost nothing has ever happened. All in all I’ve gotten lucky twice and something happened. Meanwhile I see with female trans friends who are far less attractive that they get lucky at least every 2–3 parties (regular swinger parties, not queer ones).

There are of course other events and places where people mainly just go for sex. There I have an easier time, if I give up every standard. But by now, especially since HRT, I can’t just have sex with some random person anymore. I want people to introduce themselves first and have a (small) conversation before. And not just have a penis in my face. Which unfortunately is what a lot of men see as an appropriate way to initiate things with me at events like that.

What was interesting at that party with the 500 guests: Later I was lying in a small, fairly dark room where you could only make out my outline and not necessarily my face. I was wearing hold-ups, a bra, and panties and just lied there. And various men who looked into the room then asked if they could join me. Which I turned down, though, because those people couldn’t really see that I’m trans, and I want to avoid uncomfortable situations. I also wouldn’t exactly enjoy having to tell everyone that I’m trans and then dealing with / watching their reactions.

I don’t know if anyone has ever had experience with something like this? Or if someone can give me advice. Whether I’m behaving the wrong way when I sit on the sidelines at parties and wait for someone to approach me. (I don’t’ want to approach men, because I don’t want to make them feel uncomfortable.) Or if anyone has any experiences with this. This whole thing is really dragging me down by now, especially at the parties. Sitting alone on the sidelines all evening isn’t exactly great. And then I mentally collapse and drive home crying. I try it again and agoin and go to such partys. But now I only really enjoy being the DJ, not a normal guest anymore.

I don’t expect every man to chase after me. But I honestly just don’t know… how to go on from here.

Is it normal, that when I skip a track with the next button, that the next track will play for a second, than stops short and play ahead? It annoying, that my unit does it every time I skip a track. How to prevent that?

I'm playing the remaster of Tales of Symphonic on PC/Steam right now for the first time. After the camp scene after the ruins of triet, I only have Lloyd in the active party. I played till Palmacosta, but in battle, there is only Lloyd. In Cutscenes all party members are visible.

Can anybody tell me: Is this normal? Or a bug?

I want to use a Heltec V4 on the attic of my house. But there is no power outlet. I used power banks for the last month, but they run out of power in about 4 days. And I'm worried about the temperature up there in the summer.

I tried usb solar panels, but the 3 I've tested didn't charge the Powerbank. One even grilled a V4 Board.

I have no option to get a long cable up there. Neither for power nor as an antenna cable.

I know, that other nodes will consume less power. But I need the WiFi of the V4 for the connection into my flat. I also know, that I can run a second node in my flat and use the one on the attic as a base, but i like to see, which nodes I can connect with directly.

So, does anyone have an idea, what I can do, to power an V4 node on my attic?

Edit: Also must say, that I rent my flat and cannot make any changes on the power cables on the attic.

Edit 2: I have a small window in the rooftop and a little mount on the outside of the window. There I wanted to install the solar panels. But sadly they all did not work.

Are there any German Pinball FX discords/ tournaments? Maybe for not soo advanced players?

Or are the any players interested in starting one?