u/Limp-Use5549

Took a $20k pay cut for a necessary career pivot in my mid 30s and am trying to survive making only $55k in a HCOL west coast city.

I was a Senior Design Manager in the non-profit sector for 4 years, designing accessible healthcare communications materials for a national org in DC for $75k. Total of 10 years experience in Graphic Design. Couldn’t find Art Director or Creative Director positions in non-profit.

Now I’m at a small but influential niche lifestyle brand starting out as a Product Development Associate making $55k. It’s just me and my Creative Director, who makes $100k, in this department. I also do some graphic design for the marketing department and the storefront.

I have some merchandising and industrial design experience, so my product development work is going well. What milestones should I be aspiring to achieve in Product Design to prove myself and work back up to earning at least $75k? Without going back to school for another design degree.

It’s been two years since I (33M) went no contact, after she (31F) initially broke up with me, and she still consistently reaches out to me.

Three months into us dating she confessed being technically married (but separated) in a shady international visa marriage with her long term european boyfriend. We tried to make it work but eventually she broke up with me saying she shouldn’t commit to anyone until her situation is resolved but wanted to stay in contact. When I saw her spending time with her “husband” and asked about it she lied and denied it. I said we’re not dating, you can tell me the truth, she said she doesn’t talk about relationship stuff with friends and it’s her private business, things are still complicated with her “ex” and their visa marriage, she can’t just cut him out of her life. After knowing for certain now that she’s willing to plainly, directly lie to me about seeing him, and likely lied to me the whole time we were together, I cut her off and blocked everywhere.

Last year I received a work related message from her regarding my former workplace where we met and she still worked. I was suspicious as the work inquiry didn't add up, so finally I told her I don’t trust her, will no longer be responding to her attempts to reconnect through mutual work, friends, etc. and wished her best of luck with her husband.

She replied:

“I am not sure what your intentions are with this message as the message I sent to you was strictly professional and I was asked to reach out to you. I was never the one who asked to be left alone to live my life but respect your boundary in wanting that, even with you adding a picture on WhatsApp that you knew I'd see. While I appreciate the salutations, you don't know what my life situation is nor the struggles 1 am dealing with, just as I don't know yours. Again, my message was professional and unfortunately we both work in a small space where we will likely cross paths again, which was a risk I thought we both acknowledged and knew. I never should have reached out and will delete all your contact info to respect your privacy and boundaries. I will always highly respect you as another - person working for - and will truly always value you as a person.”

Then a few months later she ambushes me through a mutual friend that was visiting me and she tried to reconnect in person. I was civil but distant and realized she's stalking me online and still living ten minutes away in the apartment I helped her find. After that I emailed her “husband” with all the records of her pursuing me over the years, with receipts. Assuming I’d finally be free from the situation and she’d hate me enough to leave me alone. That was last fall.

Then recently last month, I notice an email in my trash from her. Gmail didn’t block her email, it just put a 🚫 next to her name/address and delivered her email to sit in my trash folder. She wrote:

"Reaching out to see if this is the best email to share with a client interested in contracting your services. Our old partners from the - team are seeking a - to help them update some of their materials to make them culturally responsive for - communities. They specifically have funds to contract someone. I recommended you and they want to reach out but I couldn’t find a website to direct them to and have no clue if this is your email still."

I’ve been able to fully block her email address. I’m tired of her being avoidant and creating fake excuses to try and reconnect. I haven't heard from any new clients so either she's lying and trying to circumnavigate my blocking her everywhere, or she's inserting herself between me and a professional connection in a selfish attempt at gatekeeping. A normal person would simply give a client any contact information they have, regardless of it's effectiveness, and let them contact me themselves.

The most helpful advice I've heard about exes is that nothing gets through unless it's a direct apology and ask to talk honestly. Anything else is selfish attention seeking for validation to sooth their own insecurities. If someone genuinely wants to be with you nothing will stand in their way and they'll communicate truthfully without hesitation and with respect. The time between "Goodbye" and "Hello again!" is them looking for better options, realizing they aren't out there, and settling on you as a last resort.

It’s been two years since I (33M) went no contact, after she (31F) initially broke up with me, and she still consistently reaches out to me.

Three months into us dating she confessed being technically married (but separated) in a shady international visa marriage with her long term european boyfriend. We tried to make it work but eventually she broke up with me saying she shouldn’t commit to anyone until her situation is resolved but wanted to stay in contact. When I saw her spending time with her “husband” and asked about it she lied and denied it. I said we’re not dating, you can tell me the truth, she said she doesn’t talk about relationship stuff with friends and it’s her private business, things are still complicated with her “ex” and their visa marriage, she can’t just cut him out of her life. After knowing for certain now that she’s willing to plainly, directly lie to me about seeing him, and likely lied to me the whole time we were together, I cut her off and blocked everywhere.

Last year I received a work related message from her regarding my former workplace where we met and she still worked. I was suspicious as the work inquiry didn't add up, so finally I told her I don’t trust her, will no longer be responding to her attempts to reconnect through mutual work, friends, etc. and wished her best of luck with her husband.

She replied:

“I am not sure what your intentions are with this message as the message I sent to you was strictly professional and I was asked to reach out to you. I was never the one who asked to be left alone to live my life but respect your boundary in wanting that, even with you adding a picture on WhatsApp that you knew I'd see. While I appreciate the salutations, you don't know what my life situation is nor the struggles 1 am dealing with, just as I don't know yours. Again, my message was professional and unfortunately we both work in a small space where we will likely cross paths again, which was a risk I thought we both acknowledged and knew. I never should have reached out and will delete all your contact info to respect your privacy and boundaries. I will always highly respect you as another - person working for Indian country and will truly always value you as a person.”

Then a few months later she ambushes me through a mutual friend that was visiting me and she tried to reconnect in person. I was civil but distant and realized she's stalking me online and still living ten minutes away in the apartment I helped her find. After that I emailed her “husband” with all the records of her pursuing me over the years, with receipts. Assuming I’d finally be free from the situation and she’d hate me enough to leave me alone. That was last fall.

Then recently last month, I notice an email in my trash from her. Gmail didn’t block her email, it just put a 🚫 next to her name/address and delivered her email to sit in my trash folder. She wrote:

>!“Reaching out to see if this is the best email to share with a client interested in contracting your services. Our old partners from the CDC IPC team are seeking a graphic designer to help them update some of their materials to make them culturally responsive for AI/AN communities. They specifically have funds to contract someone. I recommended you and they want to reach out but I couldn’t find a website to direct them to and have no clue if this is your email still."!<

I’ve been able to fully block the address and haven’t actually read that email from her. I’m tired of her being avoidant and creating fake excuses to try and reconnect. I want to send this in response but I know it’s better to move on with no engagement with her, so this will simply be an unsent letter:

“Apparently blocking your email address didn’t work as intended. I will fix that. I didn’t read your email but noticed it in my trash and according to the preview it seems you are now lying about having a potential client for me and are using it as an excuse to contact me. I have not heard from any new clients so either you’re lying and trying to circumnavigate my blocking you everywhere, or you are inserting yourself between me and a professional connection in a selfish attempt at gatekeeping. A normal person would simply give a client the contact information they have and let them contact me themselves. I’ve accepted losing professional clients by cutting manipulative people out of my life, that cost is worth it to never have to deal with you again. Next time you try this your email will be bounced back.

I wouldn’t block you if you weren’t consistently displaying deceptive behavior. You’ve done this before, it’s been years apart at this point. Consider this your final warning. Never contact or approach me again for the rest of either of our lives. If you do, it will be considered harassment and there will be consequences. Have a nice life.”

My unsent response to her most recent email:

“Apparently blocking your email address didn’t work as intended. I will fix that. I didn’t read your email but noticed it in my trash and according to the preview it seems you are now lying about having a potential client for me and are using it as an excuse to contact me. I have not heard from any new clients so either you’re lying and trying to circumnavigate my blocking you everywhere, or you are inserting yourself between me and a professional connection in a selfish attempt at gatekeeping. A normal person would simply give a client the contact information they have and let them contact me themselves. I’ve accepted losing professional connection by cutting out deceptive and manipulative people from my personal life, that cost is worth it to never have to deal with you again. Next time you try this your email will be bounced back.

I wouldn’t block you if you weren’t consistently displaying deceptive and manipulative behavior. You’ve done this before, it’s been years apart at this point. Consider this your final warning. Never contact or approach me again for the rest of either of our lives. If you do, it will be considered harassment and there will be consequences. Have a nice life.”

Two years later and my ex who was secretly married but said she was "separated", still reachs out. When she reached out last year I told her I didn't trust her, will not be responding to further attempts, and best of luck with her husband. To that she said:

“I am not sure what your intentions are with this message as the message I sent to you was strictly professional and I was asked to reach out to you. I was never the one who asked to be left alone to live my life but respect your boundary in wanting that, even with you adding a picture on WhatsApp that you knew I'd see. While I appreciate the salutations, you don't know what my life situation is nor the struggles 1 am dealing with, just as I don't know yours. Again, my message was professional and unfortunately we both work in a small space where we will likely cross paths again, which was a risk I thought we both acknowledged and knew. I never should have reached out and will delete all your contact info to respect your privacy and boundaries. I will always highly respect you as another Native person working for Indian country and will truly always value you as a person.”

Then the most recent reach out this year was:

>!*Reaching out to see if this is the best email to share with a client interested in contracting your services. Our old partners from the CDC IPC team are seeking a graphic designer to help them update some of their materials to make them culturally responsive for AI/AN communities. They specifically have funds to contract someone. I recommended you and they want to reach out but I couldn’t find a website to direct them to and have no clue if this is your email still.  "!<"

And so, here we are. I am avoiding reading that last email. I assume that message is not an olive branch, but a trap. Considering the last thing I did was email her husband telling him with receipts about our relationship while they were supposedly separated.