u/Little_Turnip1304

Edit- a message after a night of having this post up.

I appreciate all the feedback about actual cooking advice on what I did wrong, I genuinely am excited to learn and get better. That being said, I love having a good laugh even poking fun at myself but I’ve started getting some quite aggressive and dark messages privately, and also a couple of people in the comments have expressed genuine anger.
Other than taking the post down I don’t know what I can do, but i can assure you, no food was wasted.
I have taken advice on board, and I understand what I did wrong.

Thanks everyone who kept it lighthearted and had a good laugh with me at my nasty looking goblin burger.
This is shitty food porn at the end of the day, this is a genuine meal I *ahem* cooked for myself, and if it has genuinely upset you I apologise but I suppose that’s what you’ve got to be prepared for on this page.

Okay I will admit it looks atrocious but this was genuinely one of the most juiciest flavoursome burgers I’ve had.
No cheese no veg just bread meat and a good slice gammon.
Prunes cause my wife says I need to eat more, not affiliated with the burger.
Nothing gone to waste, the juice from bacon and burger in the pot I slid too bun around to soak it in. Juicy, messy. Delicious.
No regrets

Frozen prawns, and the meat is liver pate that you would normally have on bread or a cracker but I boiled it in butter, chicken stock rice vinegar and some pepper
2 large eggs mixed in.
And Just cheap boiled spaghetti with it as figured that would combine the best and takes less time than rice. I’m not sure if I’d combine the prawns and the pate again on the same plate as there was a lot of flavours going on. But aside from that it was strong and edible
I struggled to mix it together without the noodles breaking up and mushing so I think next time I’ll cook them a bit less and maybe they can boil at the same time in the same pot with the meat and so on
I think it could have benefitted from some other strong flavours ontop like a pickled red onion slaw or something, I feel like it would be quite Eastern European then.
And yes I know I need to tidy my counter but my caravan is having a lot of issues at the moment particularly on the kitchen side of things so I haven’t got round to it for the past day or two is all so it’s build up for a couple of days

Poopy goblin warning.

First of all. I am sorrrryyyyy
Im sorry for what I did and I’m sorry this is a long ass story so buckle up like it’s really a long wall of text

I was with the guy I have been seeing for the past two months he is sweet andhe’s kind, he’s like a gentle old soul easily best guy I’ve known he also knows how to do the manly stuff I don’t know how to do and he’s romantic. Just braggin that my little rat ass pulled a sweetie
Anyway Was at his house as I have been at weekends for past few weeks, we do the usual, order some food, movies or a wee couch coop game, that sort of things, cuddles, sex before bed.

Before I get into the fucking nightmare i lived through I will begin with I am an anxiety prone person.
In the mornings when I’m at my own house I’ve been trying to get more into a routine so I can actually resemble a proper human shaped person because he deserves someone who makes an effort and I’ve been trying to be someone I can be proud of as well . I’ve tried to be having more healthy food and routine at times as I also get an anxious stomach, so bit of high fiber stuff in the morning, that lets me have a bowel movement late morning. TMI girl I know if you think that’s bad this is your first and last warning.

So business as usual, we met up earlier this weekend and we had Taco Bell drive thru. I am not one of those people that makes the jokes about explosive toilet adventures experience from Taco Bell because to be honest I’ve never even had a slightly upset stomach from Taco Bell or fast food in general
Why today of all days I did I do not know, I had already had like my morning bowel movement, it was normal so nothing weird. We finished the food on the drive back to his house and I could feel my stomach was a bit iffy, I told him and he got me a hot water bottle when we got in and gave me cuddles and it was nice and soothing. Started feeling a lot better after an hour or so.
He said he was going to nip in the shower, asked if I had wanted to join. This is something we had been doing together and it has been nice, and yep, I already showered today knowing I’d be showering with him later. I am not a say no person, im a yep sure person. The shower I had at home was to get me clean, the one with him is to pretend that is just how clean I am when really I’m a disgusting gross biatch who is about to make a oopsy on her relationship ass first.
We were in the shower together, and honestly it’s not as crazy steamy as you might be expecting there IS kissing and touching and cleaning but it’s mostly just sweet sickening stuff that I love even though I’m a little goblin.
We did however have extra steamy kisses this time and of course his hands went down my back, towards my bum etc. you guys get it.
So far all good, I felt a rumble though and a completely silent toot escaped out despite my cheeks gandalfing the fuck out of this balrog, you shall not pass, spoiler alert, it did. It was one of those ones that felt like gassy hot as it left so I knew it be a bad one unfortunately and it was the most fuck ass fart of my life.
It stinked something hot and rotten.
HE APOLOGISED TO ME. I’m 99% certain it wasn’t in a way to make me feel better, however he is the kind of guy who would do that and be sweet but I think for some reason he seriously thought it was him.
I kind of just played dumb, say nothing, don’t incriminate myself. What now?
He then said sorry again he was embarrassed sometimes spicy food doesn’t agree with him, this was the point I was certain he genuinely thought it was him. Did we fart in sync? Who knows, why did he think it was him?
He said he hoped it didn’t gross me out too much laughing and said how badly it smelled and I just was like yeah oh god hahahah.
He laughed, he kissed me again, I cannot stress this had all happened within the span of maybe just about it 30-40 seconds since the gaseous atronoch formed out of my ass.
Not enough time for the smell to have entirely passed, but long enough to move on and have him salvaging the moment back to le kissing.
His hands went back to my bottom, everything back on track.
BUT then I felt it.

As he was ever so nicely softly kind of touching my bum cheeks. I was not so confident that I hadn’t just infact summoned Satan out of my very own butt portal.
Nope. Something was still hot down there. And yeah you get hot farts (we have all had them) and they straight up smell like hot rotten garbage but this was *still* hot about a minute later at this point.

Oh god I was thinking have I just actually sharted. This is it this is the worst thing that happened to me. Why why why.
Meanwhile. He was still trying to kiss WHILST smell lingering because IT AINT GOING NO WHERE CAUSE IT IS NO LONGER A SPIRIT, IT IS A PHYSICAL FUCK ASS ENTITY

So real quick move his hands up my waist, hell no can they be down there. I’m panicked but I’m trying to pretend everything is fine, I asked if he would go wait in the bed now until I see to him hehe mwah mwah please please please go away and buy this. Trying to be all sexy, my thought is, get him the fuck out of the shower, wipe, shower wash up and all that will ever have happened was a fart. He didn’t need to know the rest. He asked if I was done showering now in that case and I said just about, every second I’m worried that this brown goose is going to started migrating south for the winter. And every drop of water I’m worried is Taco Bell.
He said he still had to shampoo and stuff so I could just finish up first real quick and then he will do his hair.
Predicament. *He* wants *me* to leave first, not gonna work I need to wash my ass bitch.

I told him he shouldn’t wash his hair today, and he said why, and I said cause I had bought him some sea salt hair spray mist and I thought he would like to try it and I’d bring it over next time and it’s better on non shampooed hair.
Then he said well he would wash his hair this week, and then not do it next week when I see him.
I was like nah let’s let your hair develop its natural oils and proteins back, because the salt needs something to cling onto.
He is thinking about what I say for a moment, cogs turning
Sure. Fucking sure.
If my butthole wasn’t held hostage by Taco Bell, you could say I was talking out of my ass. But I’d imagine my ass sounds like if Ronald McDonald was getting smothered by a pillow right about now.
He bought it oh thank you baby Jesus thank you Mother Nature. Thank you Xena the warrior princess. Thank you all things good and right in the world. He said he would wait in bed then and don’t be too long giggling excitedly like it was Christmas morning and I bought him a pony.
I could do it, I could wash my dirty little secret ass mistake.
I exorcised the demon between my cheeks so I could become a goddess between the sheets.
I cried brief tears of relief.
Came out of that shower squeaky clean. No one knows but you now and if you tell anyone they won’t ever believe you. I’ll deny it.

Do I need more or less fiber? Who knows
Is Taco Bell now embargoed by me. Yeah probably.
Do I need to buy a salt mist hairwash spray? Yeah and honestly I DONT even know what that is

32 years of life. Lesson learned don’t like… poop yourself. Find a beautiful man that thinks your poop is his fart and loves you like every day is Christmas.

My club mint biscuit packets had no biscuit, how depressing

The entire multipack is like this

Lacy cheesy lacy beefy British bacon > American