u/Little_biobird

I turned 30 last week and for the most part I feel really good about it! My 20’s were hectic and I moved all over the country to establish my career. I’m ready to settle into who I am and start a new chapter.

Other people’s perceptions seem to be quite different. There’s been lots of jokes about how I’m getting old, and even more comments about how I’m doomed to never marry, need to be thinking about children (that I don’t want), etc.

I want to hear your positives! What good things happened to you since turning 30? What got better? What have you learned?

I want the good stuff!

My alcoholic father went to rehab earlier this year after my mom finally followed through on separation and divorce after 33 years of marriage. For a variety of reasons I stopped talking to him around that time and we were no contact for ~5 months.

My best friend recently moved away and I broke up with my boyfriend a few weeks ago. My mom realized that I was going to be alone on my 30th birthday, so she decided to fly cross country to see me. I was excited and it seemed like a good distraction for her from their divorce, which will be finalized in July. My mom and I are typically close and I see her several times a year. My dad I usually only see at Christmas, when we take the family beach trip from hell.

Recently I had to reach out to my dad regarding some financial/property stuff he was involved with. I was friendly and included some small life updates, probably because despite our extremely negative relationship I am constantly pining for him to be different. Supposedly he has been sober, but the alcohol was a small factor in what overall was an abusive household. His sobriety is pretty unimportant to me, because I’m really only interested in maintaining a relationship if he can take accountability for his actions.

I sent him a text today about something I needed an answer on and instead of texting he called me. Since I needed an answer I picked up. We chatted about the reason I called and then he mentioned that he thought he might fly out when my mom does for my birthday. I was caught off guard, and said that yeah that would be great.

It is not great. I proceeded to call my mom and get really upset, asking why she hadn’t given me a heads up that they had talked about visiting at the same time. She said she was done being a liaison between us and that we needed to figure out our relationship. I pointed out that I had never asked her to do that, and that a large part of his involvement in my life was only because my parents were a package deal until recently. My dad still visits her regularly and they probably spend more time together now than they have in years. I said that my preference would be that they don’t talk about me at all, but if they’re going to she could at least warn me.

She got mad, I had a panic attack. She said she would talk to him about not coming and that she didn’t realize I would be so upset about it. I told her I didn’t want her to do that but that I was also reluctant to text him and tell him not to come, because then I seem like the bitch. She said that it wouldn’t come off that way, but as the scapegoat of the family I have my doubts.

Regardless of what I do, my birthday feels ruined. It’s already been a super hard month and it sucked enough to have to acknowledge that if my mom didn’t visit I’d be spending a major birthday alone. I already spent most of my birthdays in my 20’s alone.

I feel bad about the situation and I feel bad about myself. I feel bad that I upset my mom. I want nothing to do with any of this, which is why I moved across the country in the first place. I feel like my boundaries are constantly trampled on and no one cares about what I actually want.