We were so relieved to see her wearing a blindfold at the pick up location, until my husband said, “Those are bandages.”
As her car left the road and she was thrown into a field, she realised she’d never properly looked up to the sky before, watching the millions of twinkling lights as they slowly faded away.
“It was going to be your niece,” her sister replied, flushing the toilet.
The tooth fairy tucked it into her pocket and handed over another brown baggie.
Watching the first line of blood appear, she was amazed that she could still experience the same level of relief vicariously.
With the main threat now neutralised, he turned and placed two rounds neatly between the midwife’s eyes.
I never go hungry though, as at least one of my many devoted female followers offers up a bloody and tender morsel every day.
When my wife came home and asked how the baby was, I looked out at the Rottweiler squatting on our lawn and said, “You missed feeding time.”
“Could you refresh this serial number?”
I asked, pointing to the old man’s forearm.
The right moment took longer than I would have liked, but eventually my girlfriend looked up from her hospital bed and said, “Would you like to hold your daughter?”
Pressing REC and trying not to giggle, I watch my wife step out onto the frozen front steps I’d soaked with water the night before.
She held up a photo of her Grandfather and pointed to the faded numbers tattooed onto his arm.
“These tears are mine,” I said, licking her face.
Wincing in pain, I screamed as the first tear ran down its stem and onto my helmet.
I’m trying to find out the reasons behind my boyfriend’s infidelity but all I smell is shit.
Accepting the child, Grandma lifted her Gingham skirt and, for every inch her gift disappeared, more and more wrinkles faded from her face.
Untying the ballon and holding it over the hole in his throat, she howled with laughter as he squeaked his final last words.
M : I hope you’re going to make that reappear again as your father will need it for his packed lunch tomorrow.
Thanks to the malleability of a baby’s soft skull and copious amounts of KY Jelly, I was eventually able to shout, “I can see the head!”
It’s only a matter of time before my bulimic daughter, positioned at the back, finally keeps her food down without throwing up.