u/LoopyBeast

About 2 months ago I believe I had some sort of awakening that has to do with Twin Flames and Kundalini. My memory is very fuzzy, yet this is sort of what I experienced.

To preface, I was always agnostic/atheist. I dabbled in some sigil magick, yet only saw it useful in a subconscious sense. Similar to how companies use logos to implant specific ideas into your head. I thought everything could be linked back to a very specific line of reasoning and thought. Had spiritual experiences in the past but chopped it up to coincidence.

I planned to forgive my father for his wrong doings towards me and my family. My ex partner called me out for acting as him in specific ways, and I took that to heart. I was being entitled, which did stem from my wound from my father. All of this anger and resentment I had towards the man never went away for the years I had him blocked, and turned me more into him. So, I decided to meet up with him, and make peace with the situation. I knew he was suffering as much as I was, and wanted to end all of the suffering in the connection.

The night before that, however, I had some form of metamorphosis it seems. I was attached to my partner at the time in an unhealthy way, it wasn't always like that. I usually am such a giver and people pleaser, and decided to no longer give in as that towards her or my other friends, putting up well needed boundaries and acting for myself. Long story short, the sense of identity I had was gone when I woke up, the entire night my body was burning and I felt warm energy all around me, it was euphoric. Electricity was around me and my spine, and I felt her presence in my arms? It felt as if I died that night.

We always triggered each other. I remember feeling triggered nearly the entire relationship, same for her. We acknowledged it often, and knew it stemmed from our previous relationships. When we met, it was so intense. I couldn't look her in the eyes for long, as it was way too intense. I cannot put it into words, but to try, it was as if looking into my own soul. Here are some experiences I had with her before my conversation with my father.

- Telepathic communication, I could feel her intense energy longing and yearning when I didn't reach back out during that time of preparation.

- Intense eye contact, to the point of me never experiencing it with anyone else, ever. It shot through me.

- Feeling her presence and felt guided from her during specific rituals.

- INTENSE mirroring. Even in very bizzare things. Mostly personality, as I am much more feminine in the yogic sense, she is VERY masculine. Both of us to a fault, she can't access her emotions and at times doesnt want to, I am usually extremely intune with mine and are lead by them too much. Even our fuckin birthdays. My birthday is 11/6, hers is 9/11, even in other things. My lifepath number is 11, day 6th. Her lifepath is 6, day 11. This is somethings that happen when I ask for a sign from my higher self. I take it as it is and walk with it, not dwelling too too much, but I can't ignore that.

After my conversation with my father, these happened.

• Burning/electrical sensations throughout my entire body resulting in me being unable to work for a month and a half.
• Universal oneness with everything. Trees, grass, people, cars, etc.
• Otherworldly bliss and euphoria.
• I saw/see auras around physical objects and around myself at times.
• Dietary changes, only wanting to eat greens. Beer, caffeine and other sources tasted like shit.
• Constant pressure on the center of my forehead for a month and a half.
• De-personalization, viewing self in third person, outside of self.

Since then, I felt the energy travel back down and coil? Now I experience

• Sudden jolts of energy shooting up my spine, feeling it coil around the top of my skull and move back down. This happens at least twice a day.
• Neutrality about any event that happens to me, good or bad.
• Sudden body movements, twitching throughout body.
• Cold and hot sensations near the left and right side of my spine which go up and down. Could be the nadis? I don't know.

I've had other experiences outside of the Kundalini from my knowledge. They are:

• Repeating number sequences pretty much everywhere I go. Seeing things "specifically" about Twin Flames. I usually chop it up to the Frequency Illusion, it's what companies use to also embed ideas, songs, tiktoks etc. into daily life to sell specific things. But it's been too intense to ignore.
• Prophetic dreams that come to reality days or on that day. Specifically with her.
• Feeling her "energy" pull on my stomach and head when I focus on myself instead of our connection. I have Borderline and autism, so I am used to relationships ending with me getting withdrawal symptoms and the obsessive thinking, and know how to deal with it using techniques I learned in therapy/psych ward after years of both. This, however, is a completely different sensation.
• Feeling energy of other people, the point of knowing specific issues they're facing. I knew that a friend of mine's father died, a person's relationship ended, a person was craving drugs, etc.
• Feeling "led" by higher intuition? Example: Asked it to lead me to a lake/ large body of water for me to sit at. Followed my intuition, and it brought me to a location with said description. Where I sat, a card with a caduceus was right next to me. It sounds like such crazy talk, but it's something I cannot ignore. Could be my subconscious recognizing specific areas that would lead to said things? But these are places I've never been to.

- Nonstop ear buzzing. I've developed some kind of sixthed sense? When I am around others at times, one of my ears makes loud, LOUD noises when someone is either thinking intensely about me, or to listen carefully with the person I am talking to, being careful.

Side note: I know the above section can be explained with how the brain works on a subconscious level, and is not the focal point of my question here. I just needed to get it out somewhere.

I'm completely alone now. I don't have any friends anymore after this, even the ones who have been in my life for 10 years. The partner I was with is also gone. My job is gone due to me being unable to keep up with physical demands of it, being able to do like 1/8th the workload I usually do. Only people in my life are my mother and sister now, who I live with.

Main point of this post is to see how others are experiencing this, and for any cheap resources. I am living off of savings and can't afford a gurus. I still feel her but it's nowhere near as strong. It gets stronger when I evolve further into where I am going, who I wish to be. I am no longer yearning for her back. I still love her, yet our last conversation tells me that I need separation now. She mirrors what I would need to learn to overcome a lot of my codependency issues with any relationship.

About 2 months ago I believe I had some sort of awakening that has to do with Kundalini. My memory is very fuzzy, yet this is sort of what I experienced.

To preface, I was always agnostic/atheist. I dabbled in some sigil magick, yet only saw it useful in a subconscious sense. Similar to how companies use logos to implant specific ideas into your head. I thought everything could be linked back to a very specific line of reasoning and thought. Had spiritual experiences in the past but chopped it up to coincidence.

I planned to forgive my father for his wrong doings towards me and my family. My ex partner called me out for acting as him in specific ways, and I took that to heart. I was being entitled, which did stem from my wound from my father. All of this anger and resentment I had towards the man never went away for the years I had him blocked, and turned me more into him. So, I decided to meet up with him, and make peace with the situation. I knew he was suffering as much as I was, and wanted to end all of the suffering in the connection.

The night before that, however, I had some form of ego death it seems. I was attached to my partner at the time in an unhealthy way, it wasn't always like that. I usually am such a giver and people pleaser, and decided to no longer give in as that towards her or my other friends, putting up well needed boundaries and acting for myself. Long story short, the sense of identity I had was gone when I woke up, the entire night my body was burning and I felt warm energy all around me, it was euphoric. Electricity was around me and my spine, and I felt her presence in my arms? It felt as if I died that night.

After my conversation with my father, these happened.

• Burning/electrical sensations throughout my entire body resulting in me being unable to work for a month and a half.
• Universal oneness with everything. Trees, grass, people, cars, etc.
• Otherworldly bliss and euphoria.
• I saw/see auras around physical objects and around myself at times.
• Dietary changes, only wanting to eat greens. Beer, caffeine and other sources tasted like shit.
• Constant pressure on the center of my forehead for a month and a half.
• De-personalization, viewing self in third person, outside of self.

Since then, I felt the energy travel back down and coil? Now I experience

• Sudden jolts of energy shooting up my spine, feeling it coil around the top of my skull and move back down. This happens at least twice a day.
• Neutrality about any event that happens to me, good or bad.
• Sudden body movements, twitching throughout body.
• Cold and hot sensations near the left and right side of my spine which go up and down. Could be the nadis? I don't know.

I've had other experiences outside of the Kundalini from my knowledge. They are:

• Repeating number sequences pretty much everywhere I go. Seeing things "specifically" about Twin Flames. I don't like using that word and the connotation connected to it at all, but it's what's been happening. I know this phenomenon can be the Frequency Illusion, it's what companies use to also embed ideas, songs, tiktoks etc. into daily life to sell specific things.
• Prophetic dreams that come to reality days or on that day.
• Feeling her "energy" pull on my stomach and head when I focus on myself instead of our connection. I have BPD and autism, so I am used to relationships ending with me getting withdrawal symptoms and the obsessive thinking, and know how to deal with it using techniques I learned in therapy/psych ward after years of both. This, however, is a completely different sensation.
• Feeling energy of other people, the point of knowing specific issues they're facing. I knew that a friend of mine's father died, a person's relationship ended, a person was craving drugs, etc.
• Divination (Tarot, Pendulums, Osteomancy) being extremely accurate. Like, outside of the Barnum effect accurate for myself and future events. I'm not one to believe any of this, but I can't deny it.
• Feeling "led" by higher intuition? Example: Asked it to lead me to a lake/ large body of water for me to sit at. Followed my intuition, and it brought me to a location with said description. Where I sat, a card with a caduceus was right next to me. It sounds like such crazy talk, but it's something I cannot ignore. Could be my subconscious recognizing specific areas that would lead to said things? But these are places I've never been to.

Side note: I know the above section can be explained with how the brain works on a subconscious level, and is an addition to my experience. There are more, as I stated though it's difficult to remember.

I'm completely alone now. I don't have any friends anymore after this, even the ones who have been in my life for 10 years. The partner I was with is also gone. My job is gone due to me being unable to keep up with physical demands of it, being able to do like 1/8th the workload I usually do. Only people in my life are my mother and sister now, who I live with.

I am currently living off of savings, and don't have money for a teacher/coach/guru. I hate using the term Twin Flame, as it has a lot of codependent connotations with new age and "love stories", but it is the most accurate term I've come to find. I don't use the label to describe my journey because of the connotation.

Main point of this post is to at least ask for some help with deciding if this was what happend. I've told me that I might not have had it because I was led to a bad book about the subject, that those who had it or are destined to would only be lead to good sources. Maybe the bad source I was led to led me to a better source due to me wanting to see why it's bad? I don't know.

All in all, thank you.

About 2 months ago I believe I had some sort of awakening that has to do with Kundalini. My memory is very fuzzy, yet this is sort of what I experienced.

To preface, I was always agnostic/atheist. I dabbled in some sigil magick, yet only saw it useful in a subconscious sense. Similar to how companies use logos to implant specific ideas into your head. I thought everything could be linked back to a very specific line of reasoning and thought. Had spiritual experiences in the past but chopped it up to coincidence.

I planned to forgive my father for his wrong doings towards me and my family. My ex partner called me out for acting as him in specific ways, and I took that to heart. I was being entitled, which did stem from my wound from my father. All of this anger and resentment I had towards the man never went away for the years I had him blocked, and turned me more into him. So, I decided to meet up with him, and make peace with the situation. I knew he was suffering as much as I was, and wanted to end all of the suffering in the connection.

The night before that, however, I had some form of ego death it seems. I was attached to my partner at the time in an unhealthy way, it wasn't always like that. I usually am such a giver and people pleaser, and decided to no longer give in as that towards her or my other friends, putting up well needed boundaries and acting for myself. Long story short, the sense of identity I had was gone when I woke up, the entire night my body was burning and I felt warm energy all around me, it was euphoric. Electricity was around me and my spine, and I felt her presence in my arms? It felt as if I died that night.

After my conversation with my father, these happened.

- Burning/electrical sensations throughout my entire body resulting in me being unable to work for a month and a half.
- Universal oneness with everything. Trees, grass, people, cars, etc.
- Otherworldly bliss and euphoria.
- I saw/see auras around physical objects and around myself at times.
- Dietary changes, only wanting to eat greens. Beer, caffeine and other sources tasted like shit.
- Constant pressure on the center of my forehead for a month and a half.
- De-personalization, viewing self in third person, outside of self.

Since then, I felt the energy travel back down and coil? Now I experience

- Sudden jolts of energy shooting up my spine, feeling it coil around the top of my skull and move back down. This happens at least twice a day.
- Neutrality about any event that happens to me, good or bad.
- Sudden body movements, twitching throughout body.
- Cold and hot sensations near the left and right side of my spine which go up and down. Could be the nadis? I don't know.

I've had other experiences outside of the Kundalini from my knowledge. They are:

- Repeating number sequences pretty much everywhere I go. Seeing things "specifically" about Twin Flames. I don't like using that word and the connotation connected to it at all, but it's what's been happening. I know this phenomenon can be the Frequency Illusion, it's what companies use to also embed ideas, songs, tiktoks etc. into daily life to sell specific things.
- Prophetic dreams that come to reality days or on that day.
- Feeling her "energy" pull on my stomach and head when I focus on myself instead of our connection. I have BPD and autism, so I am used to relationships ending with me getting withdrawal symptoms and the obsessive thinking, and know how to deal with it using techniques I learned in therapy/psych ward after years of both. This, however, is a completely different sensation.
- Feeling energy of other people, the point of knowing specific issues they're facing. I knew that a friend of mine's father died, a person's relationship ended, a person was craving drugs, etc.
- Divination (Tarot, Pendulums, Osteomancy) being extremely accurate. Like, outside of the Barnum effect accurate for myself and future events. I'm not one to believe any of this, but I can't deny it.
- Feeling "led" by higher intuition? Example: Asked it to lead me to a lake/ large body of water for me to sit at. Followed my intuition, and it brought me to a location with said description. Where I sat, a card with a caduceus was right next to me. It sounds like such crazy talk, but it's something I cannot ignore. Could be my subconscious recognizing specific areas that would lead to said things? But these are places I've never been to.

Side note: I know the above section can be explained with how the brain works on a subconscious level, and is not the focal point of my question here. I just needed to get it out somewhere.

I'm completely alone now. I don't have any friends anymore after this, even the ones who have been in my life for 10 years. The partner I was with is also gone. My job is gone due to me being unable to keep up with physical demands of it, being able to do like 1/8th the workload I usually do. Only people in my life are my mother and sister now, who I live with.

I've been attempting to research the topic, a lot of the information I have seen seems to be either misinformed or used as a way for advertising and money. The only source I have been using has been Serpent Rising by Nevan Paar, I haven't found any other sources until recently. And have been told Paar's sources are also filled with a lot of issues that should not be ignored, as they can result in consequences quickly. I am currently living off of savings, and don't have money for a teacher/coach/guru. I hate using the term Twin Flame, as it has a lot of codependent connotations with new age and "love stories", but it is the most accurate term I've come to find. I don't use the label to describe my journey because of the connotation.

Main point of this post is to at least ask for some help with how I can get cheap, grade-A resources and guidance. I don't really know where to go at this point, or if I even experienced it? I feel as if I have, but there's so many contradicting sources. A lot of it feels gate-kept, and/or expensive, even if it can just "happen" to people. I didn't plan for this physically, some would say that my soul planned it before I incarnated, which I do believe now. I just have no idea where to go at this point.

So, one of my partners recently has been exceedingly distant after we've met in person. We were pretty consistent in the beginning, and pretty upfront about wants and needs for relationships.

Since the beginning I've been pretty committed, I've helped financially and emotionally. She's stated that she considers me her primary, she brought up moving together, even marriage.

This goes on for the next few months, and eventually we meet in person. We discuss moving in and planning to do better in this relationship than our previous abusive ones, and that we both realize that we have pretty heavy trauma with it.

After I flew back, I brought up marriage again, and her words were "Idk man, I cannot do that kind of devotion. I like to fantasize.". Which, was a complete 180. At some point she says she's unable to commit due to not wanting to be tied down to any ideas, overly cautious about the future. And that she has total non-committment as a way of coping with her previous relationships.

Recently however, she brought up moving in with her other polycule and that being her plan. This hurt deeply, and I'm uncertain how to go about this.

I do think that the intense amount of intamcy we shared when we met could of triggered a fear response. But I don't know how I feel about it.