Why do Muslims parents put Islam last once a nikkah is on the horizon?
I’m (20F) so surprised that I’m experiencing this, I probably shouldn’t have believed I’d be an exception but here I am, about to have my nikkah and even though I want to do things as halal as possible (not delay nikkah, not go over the top etc.), I find that my parents, mostly Mum, seem to actually have forgotten that Islam comes first.
I dont know if it’s because of Arab culture but my word my Mum has unlocked different levels of performative.
I wanna have my nikkah asap, as I should… islamically there’s no valid reason for me to delay it at all. My fiancé & I are long distance and have been together for 6 months already, our engagement is next month. That’s literally already too late, so I suggested doing our nikkah shortly after the khitbah…
Insane. How dare I want to follow Islam, actually, I’m not even following Islam… I’m so eager to do my nikkah because I just want to kiss and touch and absolutely no other reason, according to her brain.
The Prophet himself had his nikkah and walimah years apart, recommended that people time these events whenever it it *suitable* to each unique couples situation and she is hyperventilating over my 6 month gap that I want between the nikkah and “walimah” (glorified wedding in modern times).
She has also made our living situation an apparent barrier too. I’m mid-uni and my fiancé lives in a different city. We expect to move in end of 2027. We agreed on the idea of making things halal then continue to build our lives up for that year in different ways without the anxiety and guilt of not doing our nikkah since we can.
In front of my dad she says “Tell me your plan after nikkah because I know you are only thinking of the wedding and nothing after it. So you are coming back to this house after you’re married… Uh I think you are supposed to leave your parents house” then after I throw some logic at her, and my dad also says to her that its completely normal and many people get married in uni and live apart for a bit, “I’m just thinking of your best interest bc once you get married, his excitement will be gone. He will not be motivated”
I never expected that me getting married would be the thing to expose my Mums weirdness but it makes sense tbh.
Why do they genuinely seem to forget they are Muslim and they become their culture. It’s so draining and makes me want to leave even more.
Like I don’t care for my wedding to be overrr the top like most Arab weddings, I also don’t like the culture of making the groom go into debt tryna prove to the guests how I’m so expensive bc he got me 100kg of dahab and 30 designer bags. Idc for that. Also my fiancé is not even Arab himself and I don’t want to set the tone for my marriage with wedding expectations like that.
I don’t know what to do with the guilt I feel knowing we could have our katb kitab and the only barrier is my Mums opinion. I’ve just started acquiescing to her timelines because this makes me lose sleep.