u/LooseMilk427

i’ve been a CNA for 6 years. now working as a hospice aide and i love it.
me and my ex broke up for the first time in May and the next morning I got my acceptance to LPN school. we ended up getting back together but he kept up with terrible behavior and i ended stuff. but the heartbreak has been so bad still and i crashed out some.

i feel things really deeply but this is a season i’ve wanted for myself for many years. i was denied last year and prior to that had a lot of things taking my focus away.

this is probably the hardest summer i’ve ever had and i desperately need to shift my focus fully to school. i’m moving from my home town 35 minutes to a different city.

y’all it’s so hard but i’ve made promises to myself that i have to keep. i believe i can do this but i know it will probably be the hardest thing i’ve ever done. i met some really sweet people at orientation and i’m hoping i can really build my life back and succeed.

just looking for support, advice as i enter this season and seeing if anyone relates, wants to talk.

i saw my ex last night i know... he grabbed my breasts after talking about another woman’s. said something about the 4th of july holiday (he loves throwing pop it’s at me as a “joke” and he told me he had plans with someone i could never know about in a callous way. i walked off to the balcony and he locked the balcony door and played a prank for about 10 minutes of not opening it. i came back in and say down and he mocked the way i breathed for minutes and said “i bet you’re crying again”. i grabbed my stuff and headed for the door and he wrapped me up in a hug. i ended up staying and told him i had slept with someone else after he asked me repeatedly after i spoke about a movie. he slept with someone days after the breakup. he immediately launched into talking about my body count. and said he hates me, etc. my sexual history has been used as ammunition this whole relationship and it’s something i feel a lot of shame about already but was super honest with him about… i don’t want to feel like i have to lie.

i tried to fix us for months and whenever i do something to move on or sleep with someone else he starts to seem betrayed, like i screwed up. i ended up kinda coming onto him after he got mad, which is something i tend to do…

i left to get something and speak to a friend and came back. i ended up writing a note that i was done and leaving with my stuff while he was in the shower. on the way to the car he came out on the balcony and shouted my name. i came back because i forgot a jacket and grabbed it and left.

i really wanted to be intimate with him, i am crazy attracted to him and it was always really good. but that doesn’t override everything else.

this morning i sent about 5 messages about hating him, notes app screenshots from all throughout our relationship where i was being mistreated and said i had been begging myself to leave for months. i wish i never sent these but i did. i hate him. i hate how i was treated. i had an abusive relationship in 2020 that he knows of and i hate the feeling that he probably believes i’m the common denominator.

i start nursing school in a month and a half and i hope i can regulate better by then. i have great friends and family. if anyone relates and wants to dm i would definitely welcome it.

i started smoking basically everyday in 2018 and was heavily addicted. one day or night without it felt like the end of the world to me. i remember me and my ex strategizing who was gonna go pick up in a sketchy parking lot late at night every few days. i passed up many opportunities, i remember looking up requirements for schools and literally refusing to even apply due to drug tests. i stayed in a job that made me miserable for a few years, never wanted to apply for a job at a major hospital out of fear that a positive test there could ruin my future forever. the last few years i made some solid attempts and relapses. the delusion that a life without weed was impossible and the fear of leaving my relapses and starting again faded. i also used some harm reduction measures when i was in a relapse.

i’m 27 and finally got into nursing school after being rejected last year. i quit In February after a relapse that lasted a few months and being able to pass a test is so freeing. that was the first cup that ever had my actual pee in it and I wasn’t shaking with anxiety. i don’t need it, i’m scared to even try it for a night frankly.
i still struggle with nicotine and some binge drinking at times but i am just so proud of myself. it’s possible, just was more of a journey for me than going cold turkey and never returning to it.

I am uploading documents for compliance for a program this fall. I did my physical but foolishly told her I was in therapy for depresson. I told them it was cognitive behavioral but it is actually DBT for attachment issues, etc. my boyfriend just broke up with me a week before we move in together and its been a hard month and I’m worried that my therapist won’t be vague if a letter is a required. i pushed myself up to the deadline due to my choices and what I’m going through right now. Otherwise the physical said i’m in good emotional, physical health. Compliance agency said this won’t be an issue but i’m worried.

Did anyone say they were in therapy for depression and not require documentation?

me and my ex dated for 9 months. i don’t want to get into it too much but we called each other the love of my life frequently, he invited me on family trips. over time he started treating me badly, accusing me of cheating, bringing up my body count in arguments, etc. when we started dating he looked through my phone while i slept and found a note i wrote about my ex, basically emotional cheating in the notes app, he brought this note up and my promiscuous past in every argument, and stated several times he felt he was unconsciously trying to get even.

throughout the relationship i was pretty good about using skills, communicating gently after using wisemind, making reasonable requests. at times i over communicated, asked him to help me soothe myself after arguments but nothing like the relationship that lead me to be diagnosed.

i ended things one night but frankly was looking for a result out of him, to fight for us more and knowing logically i needed to leave but emotionally not being able to. i was pretty much the worst version of myself this week, lost all self respect. last night he told me he had hooked up with someone on hinge 5 days after the breakup. when i told him i didn’t want to kiss him and was leaving when we hung out and started to be intimate he cornered me, said if i left his apartment he’d never speak to me again, he started crying. i stayed, we made love 2x and he was more affectionate than he’d been in months.

today he came over to help me move, kissed me and hugged me but was critical of certain things. a couple hours later i brought up the kiss and where we were at and how he had had a ONS already. the conversation completely devolved to the point he was laughing at me while i cried. i asked him if i was worth anything, if i am too ugly and worthless to be treated well :( i begged him to stay but brought up my hurt feelings and when he went to the door i kept him from leaving physically, stated i couldn’t be alone tonight.

i’m just hurting so bad, so disappointed in myself for doing that. i thought i could keep contact with him and we were moving in together next week so so much of my time and energy were spent on this life together recently. i vacate my lease in 12 days and put in deposit move to a city 30 minutes away alone in 3 days and was accepted to a school there before this breakup happened. my parents are on a month long cruise. it’s gonna be tough i just don’t think i can be around him, or have him help me even if on his end he can be more low conflict and amicable. i start nursing school in 2 months and have been such a wreck i am in a mad rush to provide all the compliance documents they need because i neglected it due to this.

i think i need to be alone for a bit, invest in friendships maybe restart a skills course. in 15 years i’ve never taken more than a couple months of actively dating. i want to be with someone of course i just can’t keep doing this. i’ve been really hurt by this relationship…i never felt this close to the life i wanted but i have to walk away when i’m hurt and not try to change people endlessly. i feel so sad, i’m sad for myself, sad that i beg for good treatment, sad that he was forced to see this part of me.

how do i actually change? not blame myself for years while taking accountability for my part? is being alone truly the answer to this cycle?

i move 35 minutes away after my increasingly emotionally abusive relationship hit a breaking point and i told him i gave up. since then i’ve bargained with myself like crazy, begged him to work on himself, to make a real apology. i am so dysregulated. i’m moving to a bigger city, starting nursing school, i really want a fresh start but i wanted him almost more.

i did something wrong when we started dating that he found in my notes app while i slept. basically emotional cheating but in my own head and thoughts. he decided to stay and trust me but 6 months later, he treats me bad but claims it is in many ways to get even with me. explicitly said it was to get even for that and also said due to jealousy over my body count and wanting to have a phase like that (i deeply regret that part of my life and he brings up the number in unrelated arguments). he is so cruel to me in conversation, emotionally withdraws when i gently bring up things or when i made a small mistake mentioning the date of his birthday, 2 months in blocked me on everything when i told him i was going to meet with my sorta recent ex at a coffee shop to work on a school application but claimed i could’ve always driven to his home to fix things so it’s more of a ultimatum, i makes jokes about my DV relationship 6 years ago and how I liked being hit, multiple bringing up cosmetic surgery but this was all done in “hypotheticals”recently something popped up on my search history pertaining to looking up something about this relationship and how he treats me. i closed it when he saw and he spent 24 hours accusing me of cheating. he made no effort to repair and blamed my past for his reaction.

i am so exhausted. i wish he left me 6 months ago. i invested really deeply for 6 months. we had plans to move in together next week and i took time off work, helped him everyday for a couple months. i don’t understand treating me like crap due to what i did 6 months ago. i feel so guilty for the note. he says he has peace without me nagging him to stop “jokes”, says he would’ve gone to therapy and got better but i was impatient, said i didn’t help him find a therapist. i feel like he should’ve reconsidered the relationship and especially moving in together a while ago.

he is gonna help me move and i’m struggling so bad. I’ve apologized for hours and hours over the course of this. i feel so guilty and he is a more regulated person right now so i feel foolish.

i just really want to meet someone who doesn’t make me feel this way, i’m starting to realize maybe i could have the love, the future i want if i give up on this, on him improving. i have faith in men, in love in general. it’s so hard to walk away especially when i begged some. my esteem is on the floor. everyone in my life has been worried for some time about this relationship.

i got into a PN program I was rejected from last year. i’m 27 and my boyfriend and i broke up last night (we are supposed to move in together next month) and i woke up to acceptance this morning. i’m feeling so many emotions. i work as a hospice aide and my pt died during bathing today so it’s just been a whirlwind of emotion. but i feel so strongly convicted that nursing is my path and that this is a new beginning for me.