u/Lopsided-Ad1568

I have a giant ego, incredibly massive, I think I’m the best person ever, better than everyone around me, but i still somehow find myself feeling inadequate to everyone, yes this is contradictory, no I don’t know why I’m like this. My ego is constantly a problem with everyone I talk to. My girlfriend will call me out on something shitty I’ve done, and instead of admitting it was shitty, I will blow up, get defensive, angry, and mean just to protect my ego. It’s so difficult to tell when I’m doing it because it feels like I lose all sensibility when I get angry. If you also have any tips on anger management that would help too. At least I know I have a problem, right?

Me and my girlfriend don’t talk as much anymore, and I don’t want to text her first for some reason I’m not entirely sure of. I really do love her, and this is my first serious long lasting relationship and I don’t want to lose her but I’m worried I’m losing feelings. I am often very jealous and compulsive and I have bad anger issues, so sometimes I’ll hate someone or sometimes I’ll love them. Even if I’m in a terrible mood I never hate my girlfriend, but there are these days I think I’d rather be alone. This girl understands me, I love her, I don’t want to lose her, but I’m worried the spark is dying. We fight very frequently, and we struggle to move on from the fights, but we get through it. If you’re interested or want more context, see my previous post in this subreddit. Sometimes I feel like I’m hurting her or ignoring her. I really want to keep this going, and if I am losing my spark for her I want to know if I can get it back.

She often does not talk to me, and I get anxious when she doesn’t talk to me because I need constant reassurance that someone wants to talk to me or I believe no one likes me. And when I feel lonely I get sad, and when I get sad I feel angry. I often find myself taking it out on her. I am getting better at repressing my anger, and communicating my problems healthily and respectfully. But she often misinterprets what I say and she thinks I’m mad at her or that I don’t want to talk anymore. She also often assumes that I’m going to flare up and yell at her again, and it hurts me when she assumes that because it feels like she doesn’t believe I can change. And sometimes she’ll be mean to me back to “get me back” I suppose. She thinks I should know how it feels so I don’t do it anymore. But I insisted that will just create a vicious cycle but she won’t believe me. We are currently taking a break, and she’s leaving me if she feels alleviated during the break. I don’t know what to do, I really want to step up and fix this relationship but I don’t know what to do, and I would like advice. Part of me is hoping we’re just being stupid teens and that this sort of thing will stop when we’re a little older and have a hold on our emotions. Help, please?