u/Loser_Shifitt

My family sees my mental decline every day and literally does nothing. I'm at the lowest point in my life, just thinking about death all day. I wish I weren't here. I wish I were drugged at a psychiatric ward. I don't even know how to request psychiatric hospitalization since I'm still a minor. My family would need to be there, but they just don't care. I literally can't leave the house for anything.

My mind is so disturbed that I even considered seriously hurting myself to try to get the attention of my family and the doctors, because even the doctors don't take me seriously. They all say I look "normal" and act like I'm just a lazy teenager. Nobody notices anything anyway, so now I only hurt myself when I'm really bad and when I really need to. Just small injuries to prevent me from getting overwhelmed and doing something big and irreversible.

I even had an appointment scheduled for today, but my agoraphobia won't let me go out. I have panic attacks just thinking about it. I don't know what I'm going to do with my life. I just can't take it anymore. I'm tired. I just wish I'd never been born.

It's been months since I've gone to a doctor's appointment because I simply can't leave the house. I'm 17 years old, and my mother doesn't even like going with me because she says I'm old enough to go alone. Even when I enter the rooms, everything comes crashing down on me. I hate having to go out and interact with other people. I have an appointment scheduled for today, and I'm having an anxiety attack just thinking about it. I can't do it. I know what people say about exposure therapy, but it doesn't seem to work for me. I spent two years of my life walking to school every day, with the streets full of people, far from home, and absolutely nothing improved. On the contrary, it seems I've become more afraid to go out. I hate having to go through this every time—appointments, exams, check-ups—it's so humiliating for my mind. Sometimes I just want to die. I know I need to go out, but I never want to. Even though I hate my life trapped inside the house, I hate being outside even more. I don't know what to do. I don't want to go to that appointment, and I probably won't. To hell with my health at this point. It's better to die than to live a life like this.

I'm going back to that phase, "I'm not like those people," and it annoys me. Like, I feel like I don't relate to a lot of things that most gay guys my age online relate to. I'm not a femboy, nor do I like femboys. I don't like boykisser stuff, and I don't like this "good boy" thing, but it seems like 99% of the guys I know online do. Not that it's a problem, but my head says it is. I definitely have some kind of cognitive rigidity about some things, so I get angry about it, and everything becomes harmful to me. I know that someone being a femboy who likes boykisser memes and likes being called a "good boy" isn't going to hurt me, but my brain is always on the defensive and has bad thoughts.

It also frustrates me a little that it seems like everyone is the same (?), I don't know if that makes sense, maybe it's because things are more polarized on the internet, but it makes it seem like every gay guy is the same and likes the same things and all that, and that irritates me a little because it seems like everyone is part of a monolith, and that everyone is the same and that it will be impossible to find someone more like me (I'm not saying that's how it is in real life, it's just what it seems like on the internet).

In the past, I certainly had a lot of internalized homophobia, and I thought I had overcome it, but I'm going back to this thing of being lowkey homophobic, and I hate it because it's shooting myself in the foot. I even get angry. I have this control problem, and I know that people can't be the way I want them to be all the time, but I still get angry and end up being hateful unintentionally, and once again, it's tiring and absolutely harmful to me. I wish I knew how to stop.

I don't know why this happens. I thought I had overcome my internalized homophobia, or at least I thought I was more tolerant of differences, but apparently not. I still have the same control issues, and it's eating away at my brain.

PS - my problem isn't with a specific group of people. I could make a list, but I can't control people anyway, so there's no point in doing it. The issue here is my anger issues and my compulsive obsession with control. I simply don't know how to deal with it anymore, and it's starting to affect my life.

(text absolutely poorly written cuz i don't know how to explain what i feel. it is what it is.)

i want to create shared playlists. i want to paint our nails matching. i want to stay on calls until i fall asleep. i want to write poems and love songs. i want to watch series together. i want to have inside jokes. i want to post sickeningly cute photos of us, and etc., etc., etc.

suddenly the spirit of romance consumed me, and i felt like doing all the cheesy couple things possible. damn, what happened to me💔

This morning, my stepfather was in the kitchen with my aunt. I walked past him because I wanted to show my aunt a picture of Slenderman (I was comparing myself to him lol). Then my stepfather saw me and asked, "Are you trying to become... what?" I swore he was going to ask if I was trying to become a man 💀 Then I realized he was referring to my style, but I panicked a little first because I'm not out to my family, and I really thought he was going to out me.

I simply replied, "It's my fashion. It's not my fault if you're basic" but I was *SWEATING COLD* 😢 I already know that my family thinks of me as a lesbian (I've never been a lesbian btw, I dunno where they got that from), but lately, they've often been asking me if I'm becoming a boy, and I always joke around saying I'm an alien and that's why I've changed my appearance so much, but I think they'll find out soon 😭🙏🏾

All joking aside, part of me wishes they would find out soon somehow, because I know I would never have the courage to sit down and talk to them about it. My family simply *doesn't* know how to sit down and talk without fighting. If they found out, at least it would be one less weight on my shoulders. I'm just afraid of being treated worse than I already am in this family, because I keep thinking, what would happen if they knew? Would they still "love" me?

This morning, my stepfather was in the kitchen with my aunt. I walked past him because I wanted to show my aunt a picture of Slenderman (I was comparing myself to him lol). Then my stepfather saw me and asked, "Are you trying to become... what?" I swore he was going to ask if I was trying to become a man 💀 Then I realized he was referring to my style, but I panicked a little first because I'm not out to my family, and I really thought he was going to out me.

I simply replied, "It's my fashion. It's not my fault if you're basic," but I was *SWEATING COLD* 😢 I already know that my family thinks of me as a lesbian (I've never been a lesbian btw, I dunno where they got that from), but lately, they've often been asking me if I'm becoming a boy, and I always joke around saying I'm an alien and that's why I've changed my appearance so much, but I think they'll find out soon 😭🙏🏾

All joking aside, part of me wishes they would find out soon somehow, because I know I would never have the courage to sit down and talk to them about it. My family simply *doesn't* know how to sit down and talk without fighting. If they found out, at least it would be one less weight on my shoulders. I'm just afraid of being treated worse than I already am in this family, because I keep thinking, what would happen if they knew? Would they still "love" me?