u/Lost_Carpenter3080

I value my autonomy and now there is expectation of access to the fortress my husband and I have built for years because there is a baby on the way. We both come from families with multiple siblings that all chose to live near our parents. We chose to do our own thing and have enjoyed the lift we built together. We visit for holidays but even then our social battery gets depleted rather fast.

There are expectations of MIL staying on my couch post labor as if my own mother won’t be the only thing outside of my husband that I feel comfortable enough to tolerate during my most vulnerable time.

How did you navigate letting your in laws know that you would not be having guests when the baby arrives. Mind you, we’re in an apartment one floor. I don’t mind them getting a hotel, staying with nearby family (they live out of state) but even then my home won’t be a free-for-all during the day when my husband and I are running on low sleep, wanting to establish intimacy with our new little family alone and me not wanting the feeling of having to “entertain emotionally” even if they say they want to come to help. My home is the only place I don’t have to “turn it on”. It is my safe space and now I feel like the walls of my safe space are being torn down.

I’m currently pregnant with my first and realizing postpartum/family access may end up being one of the biggest mental adjustments for me. Over the last decade+, my husband and I have built a very quiet, private life together. We genuinely love our solitude and have always preferred a low-key life compared to our very extroverted families. We are also an interracial couple (I am Black and he is white) from very different cultural backgrounds, which I think adds another layer to navigating expectations and family dynamics.

Our home has always been our little fortress and we both recharge by having very controlled access to our space.
Both sides of the family live out of state, so visits would likely mean planned stays rather than pop-ins. But honestly, the idea of people staying in our apartment while I’m postpartum feels overwhelming to me, especially because I don’t have a super close relationship with my MIL. She’s excited and kind, but we’re just very different people.

From the time we announced, she immediately asked about dates for a baby shower (yes, that very day), mentioned she was glad we were keeping the pregnancy private for a while because of miscarriage risk (new fear unlocked that night), then began buying clothes shortly after. My husband and I are both people who genuinely need a lot of solitude/privacy to regulate, so the intensity of the attention has been difficult for me emotionally.

Another important piece of context is that my husband was diagnosed with autism at a very young age, so I completely understand why family support matters to him during such a huge life transition and I don’t take that lightly at all. He is my world and I want him to feel supported too.
I also think part of my discomfort comes from the fact that I watched her somewhat ostracize the in-law mothers during her daughters’ pregnancies, so now navigating expectations/access as her only son’s wife feels emotionally complicated for me.

At the same time, I know myself very well, and having someone in my space long-term postpartum would likely take a real toll on my mental state, so I’m struggling to figure out what that balance realistically looks like.

For those of you who are naturally very private or solitude-driven:
Did you allow family/in-laws to stay with you immediately postpartum?
Did you regret it or end up being thankful later?
Did your need for solitude change after becoming a mom, or did you still crave a lot of quiet/private time in your home?
Would especially love to hear from moms who were already very independent/private BEFORE motherhood and how you navigated this transition. Experiences from moms with autistic spouses would also be especially enlightening for me.

Thank you all in advance ❤️🫶🏾

I’m currently pregnant with my first and realizing this may end up being one of the biggest mental adjustments for me. My husband is INTJ, I’m INFJ, and over the last 13 years we’ve built a very quiet, private life together. We genuinely love our solitude and honestly haven’t been the type to regularly show up for family functions due to overload, religious differences and just a true introverted quite life preference compared to our extroverted families that are all quite close on each of their sides. We are also an interracial couple (I’m West African and my husband’s family is Sicilian/Norweigan). Our home has always been our little fortress, and we both recharge by having very controlled access to our space.

Now with a baby coming, I suddenly feel this expectation of increased family access, especially postpartum, and I’m trying to figure out what is realistic vs what would feel emotionally overwhelming for someone naturally very private/solitude-driven.

Both sides of the family live out of state, which I think changes things a bit. We live in the northeast. My mom is about 5.5 hours away and my MIL is in about 12, so visits wouldn’t really be “pop-ins” (thank god lol), they’d be more planned stays. But honestly, the idea of people staying in my home while I’m postpartum feels overwhelming to me, especially because I don’t have a super close “bestie” type relationship with my MIL. She’s excited and kind, but we’re just very different people.

Her excitement and planning style has honestly overwhelmed me throughout the pregnancy. From the time we announced, she asked about dates for a baby shower(yes, that very day), said she’s glad we are keeping the news private for a while bc the risk of miscarriage (new fear unlocked that night) and began buying clothes a week later and asking my style preference specifically if I wanted to dress my child “preppy” (you’ll literally only ever hear death metal bands like Cannibal Corpse and Lorna Shore in our home which she knows…) She asks more questions than my own mother, who just naturally “gets” me and knows how quickly I get overwhelmed. My husband and I are people who genuinely need a lot of solitude/privacy to regulate. She’s already asking how big our couch is for when she “stays to help with the baby.”

I should also add which is extremely important context that my husband was diagnosed with Asperger’s at age 10, so this adds another layer because I know he wants to feel supported during such a huge life transition. It can already be hard enough to even want to embark on a pregnancy experience as someone with autism and when you’re naturally introverted/private, so I absolutely understand why family support matters to him and I don’t take that lightly at all. He is my world and I want him to feel supported just as he has supported me through this journey so far. I just also know myself very well, and having someone in my space long-term postpartum would likely take a real toll on my mental state, so I’m struggling to figure out what that balance looks like.

She truly is a sweetheart, just quite overbearing at times. She suddenly texts me every day, which has not historically been our dynamic, and she’s always “making sure” we have what we need by monitoring the registry even though my own mom is already very present in my life. A little tea too, her three daughters all live near her and she was the go-to during their pregnancies but I watched her ostracize the in-law mothers of her daughters and it always stuck with me so for her to now suddenly want a lot of closeness/access with her only son’s wife, who also already has her own mom, just feels emotionally strange to me and makes me uncomfortable. Being an interracial couple I do think adds another layer to navigating expectations/family dynamics as well. 

For those of you who are naturally very private or solitude-driven:

1. ⁠Did you allow family/in-laws to stay with you immediately postpartum?
2. ⁠Did you regret it or end up being thankful for it later?
3. ⁠Did anyone wait until maternity leave ended before accepting more help?
4. ⁠How did you balance wanting your child to know family while also protecting your peace/recovery?
5. ⁠Did your need for solitude change after becoming a mom, or did you still crave a lot of quiet/private time in your home?

I think I’m struggling because I know people mean well, but I also know myself very well. Too much access to my space can make me feel emotionally overloaded very quickly and make me feel like I have to “put on” or “perform,” which is exhausting and emotionally draining. The idea of feeling that way in my own home postpartum feels dark to me because home is the one place I fully unwind. Realistically I’ll be lucky to wear pants half the time postpartum, and the idea of needing to feel presentable just to walk from the living room to the kitchen for water because someone is sleeping on my couch honestly stresses me out.
Would especially love to hear from moms who were already very independent/private BEFORE motherhood and how you navigated this transition. Experiences from moms with autistic spouses would be especially enlightening for me so I hope I’m lucky enough to hear from you too. 

Thank you all for your input in advance. I greatly appreciate it ❤️🫶🏾