r/INFJsOver30

I don't know if I am being childish here, I am nearly 40 and I just want to share stuff with people. I like buying gifts however I am mostly a lone person and my connections are not deep with people around me. And I bought packages of chocolates from my trip last week to share at work but I really don't want to at some point because they won't even care if I buy them a car or something If you know what I mean. To this day, I bought a lot of gifts to people and got dissappointed of their callousness. I can't get over my expectations and dullness of interactions. I just want to eat them all by myself.

I’m fuming right now and I need to know if I’m alone in this.

I’m smart. My pattern recognition is wild and when I speak about something important (like the future of food security, or how to fix a problem), I’m not doing it for shits and giggles, I’m sharing because I care and want to help.

Here’s where things go sideways. Despite having a long history of being right (over 30 years), people still don’t believe me, disregard me, underestimate me, and generally act like I’m an idiot. I hate sharing important information now because I know I’m going to be disregarded like I’m some idiot child.

The possible contributing factors? I’m a woman with autism and ADHD, and sometimes I’m sharing things that might force someone to change their rosy view of the world. However, this also happens when I’m telling someone they can fix their wobbly fridge by twisting one of the feet a little. Soooo…

Here’s my question. Is this is a normal INFJ experience? Like, do we all go through life only speaking when we have something important to say, only to realize no one is listening or no one believes that we’re capable of knowing these things? Or do I somehow give off ‘idiot’ vibes?

How do you guys handle going to work every week?

I have a job role that i quite like, a nice boss and colleagues, but i can’t help feeling a bit empty/numb/ unfulfilled at work. I used to think it was because of my job role but i’ve changed from my engineering role to a design role.

So now i think it’s because i feel so bored of the surface conversations i have at work cause i don’t super click with anyone. There are 1 or 2 i can click with a bit more and share slightly more personal things, but it still feels a bit distant. Is this just something to accept about the corporate world?

As a side note, i was wondering if this is something more relatable for INxx types. Cause there are always xSxx types at work and they seem unbothered about having to click with people and more surface conversations. Whereas ENxx types seems to easily connect with people from my observation.

Would love to hear anyone’s thoug

Hello, everyone, first post ever on this account. I am too an INFJ and 35 years old. I've always felt different but a few years back came across this whole mbti and figured that i was an INFJ. I want to share a bit of my story and what i came to realize. This may trigger you but please try to sit on it for a bit. Just please give it a little thought before just brushing it all off and get offended. Just trying to share, no judging here lol

Okay, so yeah I am 35 year old male INFJ. Life is already pretty touch as an INFJ but if you're a male, its even worse bc we're expected to be strong and this whole emotional stuff seems very feminine and weak in our society. Anyway, if I think back, I think as a kid, I was very sensitive, always trying to put my needs aside and try to make "peace" with everyone, you know, the whole people pleasing thing we always do. Always yearning for that deep connection, and still am to be honest.

But as I grew older, in middle school, high school, you know how we are. We don't take disrespect, criticism, disloyalty, lies all that well and take it too personally and keep it "on the tab" for God knows how long, maybe forever really. We almost never mention it but it's in there. So yeah for those teen years, I've had this anger bottled up inside, judging everyone as selfish, dumb, evil, not worthy etc. And every time I meet a new person or whatever, I had this ideal expectation of them and idolized that person til something deviates, then they're written off lol.

Super loyal to the core, but never reciprocated. Ideal visions of myself and the world. Yearning deep connection and conversations. Want to help everyone solve their issues. Honestly quite envious of other people who are better looking, more friends, etc etc.

Anyhow, to be frank with you, I was just angry at the world you know what i mean. I just really resented humanity. I felt depressed all the time, fell into additions and ruined my college and quite honestly that fueled the whole resentment even more because I felt like I wasn't living up to what I had expected of myself. And to be frank, I'm not a lazy person, I can get laser sharp and focused to work, borderline psychopathic, but due to my sleep issues, I just felt mentally and physically fatigued all the time and really couldn't do anything.

Fast forward to now, 35 years old, only living by the endless patience of my parents, shameful yes. I have burned the little bridges I had for over 10 years. A big part of me hopes to maybe one day reconnect with them, but a part of me is also filled with resentment and that it likely won't happen. INFJ's are very complex, often double sided, I think that's why we are very unstable, lack structure where it's needed, and have anxiety issues, at the very least unhealthy ones like myself. I mean, like i said, I do wanna fix my life as I've suffered enough and still have the "plan" for myself to fix my life lol.

One good thing about it all is that I was able to really get into deep thoughts, replaying and analyzing my past experiences for over 10 years, countless of times a day. It's a sickness really. I think it's made worse by my chronic fatigue, depression and loneliness.

But anyways, since a few days ago, I've had this stimulant called armodafinil. It's a prescribed pill(i got it online tho) where it keeps you awake, a bit like caffiene i guess but what this does (different from modafinil), is that it suppressed your ego/emotions, depresses your physical state slightly but not too overwhelmingingly , and raises your focus, clarity and awareness JUST enough so that you can really think beyond what you really feel without, but not go too out there like weed or other crazy drugs. I guess it kind of gives you a bit of "realistic" grounded reality perspective, which is often very different from what we want to believe.

Okay so after taking that pill, in that a bit depressed state, I realized something very painful. Why we have a lot of resentment towards humanity, the world and our void feel in the inside...all of that the problem wasn't because the people are "evil", dumb, broken, selfish or whatever we judge them as. The problem was...us the INFJ's.

This may trigger you, but at least just read it through, maybe it'll help you understand a lil better. The truth to the matter is that we INFJ's are NOT as "moral" as we believe ourselves to be. Yes this is true. Just think about it for a moment. Most INFJ's to be frank, are not happy people. We're kinda miserable to be honest, although i'm sure it ranges.

We constantly judge and cricitze everything and everyone, thinking it can be better to its "full potential". But we almost always hide this but let me tell you, people notice this and feel that energy. Even if they don't, would a truly moral person, a good person, be constantly judging everyone? I mean what gives us the right to do so?

We tell ourselves, we do this, bc they are broken, they are selfish, and they need our ways to be fixed. And sometimes we tell them super bluntly too, what's going on and don't understand why they don't appreciate our advice, why they don't reciprocate our loyalty and heart and effort and they have so much massive ego.

But let me tell you something INFJ's. We have the worst ego's of them all. Our egos are so strong so stubborn so hidden that we physically cannot even fathom to acknowledge it. Like i said, I had to take armodafinil to really suppress it and realize the painful truth and to be frank with you, when im off of it, i sort of resort back to the old INFJ beliefs, but I'm working on that.

Anyways, the ego. Yes, we are so stubborn, so much ego that. When we make mistakes, when we judge someone, when we call someone out, when we have resentment, EVERYTHING is justified because we're the "good guys trying to save the world like Mr.Beast" while everyone is just unappreciative, selfish, broken, dumb people ruining everything.

Our ego is so huge that, if you try to even start to acknowledge our ego, your brain will physcailly stop yoruself and you feel witll that very defensive, hazed feel where you need to lash out like a child or direct the blame to smoeone else. We physically andmentally handle that shame, that truth that we are not "moral". We TRY to be moral with our "fixes" of the world because we're constantly judginig in that negative state. We're constantly judgining because deep inside, msot of us are very miserable, unhappy people, never reaching perfect state we are looking for, that stable life we're looking for, that deep connection, real love true loyalty we're looking for, so we're very resentful.

Once we admit that we are not as moral as we believe we are, our whole identity shatters. We have no one to blame. We have no reason for our miserable existence. We are no longer martyrs, but just weird defects that everybody hates. And WE DO know this subconsciously, that's why we always feel empty inside. because we know deep inside, we're not the person we believe we are. Always seeking approval, yearning for that deep connection because we're lacking that soul.

To be clear, I'm not saying we're some evil manipulators, although we definitely do share a lot of traits unfortunately like judging everyone, hiding it, putting on a social mask, trying to force our opinions on others, stubborn to change, inability to admit mistakes, etc it's quite odd actually. And yes this is why people hate INFJ because from their perspective, and maybe that's who we really are (until we fix it) : a manipulative person who is constantly judging everyone, thinking they'r emorally and intelligently superior over everyone, not respecting boundaries etc. I mean think about it, would you really wanna be around someone like that?

Good news is that, we CAN overcome this. We're not bad people. We're just misguided really. But there are steps to this. First of all, you really need to acknowledge and become aware of your own ego. Honestly, if you're serious about this, i'd suggest getting armodafinil, it may or may nto worked for you but it really opened my eyes. It really suppressed my ego and really made me see myself from other peoples perspective and really feel what they're thinking, by gathering all the "data" i had stored in my brain over the years. And yes we do constantly judge them, and offend them, and just bring them down negatively if you're un unhealthy INFJ. I mean think about it, can you blame them for hating us, when we ourselves get offended and dismiss people so easily? What excuses us but not them? That is ego talking.

Once you are aware of your ego and have that painful enlightenment, you can finally make steps to change. First You need to work your ass off to fix everything in your life you're unhappy about. Most importantly your physical health, You need to do HIIT cardio, to gain clarity and mental strength. This will take months, maybe a year, but you will reach that state where you can access that enlightenment above your ego. You will have the strength to admit and overcome and embrace and forgive your ego. You will become humble and realize that everyone does have flaws. And that our life here on earth is too short to be miserable all the fucking time.

You will gain self respect for yourself, bc you've tried your best to reach perfection but finally able to admit to yourself that perfection does not exist and youre strong to accept it, and embrace it. You are finally strong enough to admit fully your own inadquencies and be okay with it. This new self respect will bring you peace and capacity for your soul where you'll realize that there is no true deep connectoin, there is no true loyalty and all because everyone has their own perspective, inadquencies, their own journeys to live.

You will realize, and accept that the happiness, the peace we're looking for is not by chasing that perfection in everything, that deep moral sense, and having resentment and anxiety. The true happiness and the peace we're all craving, all of us, are in recognizing and embracing the finite source of life, and that things may or may not work out for us, things may or may nto be broken, none of that matters because you are finally free from your ego, yoru constant battle in your mental space, and be grateful and respectful and really enjoy the every moment there is. It doesn't matter if someone disprespects you, disloyalt to you, most of the stuffs doesn't matter, you know, people get upset, you are humble enough to realize you may haev offended them one wy ro toe ther, and you are okay with the disrespect and you genuinely want to help people out, just to help them, nto to receive anything back, and fi they don't return it thats okay, bc now finally deep inside you know you gave out the help as a genuinely moral preson with zero expectation. you are finally at peace.

You are "just in the moment." The Peace that we've been searching for our whole lives.

Time is the most expensive commodity we have. Time is more valuable than money. Don't waste time on not being your true authentic self, don't waste time wearing a mask, playing the game society forces us into. They cause division anxiety fear, they profit of sick people, keep fit, get out in nature, the planets beautiful, with beautiful views, breathe in the fresh air, get that sunlight in your eyes, work towards your goals and never stop believing in yourself. Manifest, the universe will listen and bend, help others, rambling over and out ❤️💯⏰️

I'm 39F and about to enter treatment (EMDR) for CPTSD for complex trauma. For most of my adult life, I have had incredibly good intuition. I tend to know 'hidden' things about other people, e.g. I knew a close friend was bisexual without her telling me, and I have been able to predict all kinds of random things such as a friends future spouse cheating. I've also had oddly prophetic dreams. The one that comes to mind was dreaming of a distant friend getting married, the night after he proposed to his girlfriend.

I am also neurodivergent. Advanced pattern recognition is a thing. So is hypervigilance. I definitely have the latter, I grew up like a lot of us walking on egg shells around family to stay safe.

I am trying to trust my gut more. For me this means more emotional attunement, self care, boundaries.

If you relate, I'd love to hear your stories and how it plays out for you. I've realised most 'normal' people are not experiencing this kind of sixth sense, and it is kind of a gift, albeit in part acquired from the worst circumstances (in terms of the trauma). The intuition also exists as a side thing I think behind the hypervigilance

I’m currently pregnant with my first and realizing this may end up being one of the biggest mental adjustments for me. My husband is INTJ, I’m INFJ, and over the last 13 years we’ve built a very quiet, private life together. We genuinely love our solitude and honestly haven’t been the type to regularly show up for family functions due to overload, religious differences and just a true introverted quite life preference compared to our extroverted families that are all quite close on each of their sides. We are also an interracial couple (I’m West African and my husband’s family is Sicilian/Norweigan). Our home has always been our little fortress, and we both recharge by having very controlled access to our space.

Now with a baby coming, I suddenly feel this expectation of increased family access, especially postpartum, and I’m trying to figure out what is realistic vs what would feel emotionally overwhelming for someone naturally very private/solitude-driven.

Both sides of the family live out of state, which I think changes things a bit. We live in the northeast. My mom is about 5.5 hours away and my MIL is in about 12, so visits wouldn’t really be “pop-ins” (thank god lol), they’d be more planned stays. But honestly, the idea of people staying in my home while I’m postpartum feels overwhelming to me, especially because I don’t have a super close “bestie” type relationship with my MIL. She’s excited and kind, but we’re just very different people.

Her excitement and planning style has honestly overwhelmed me throughout the pregnancy. From the time we announced, she asked about dates for a baby shower(yes, that very day), said she’s glad we are keeping the news private for a while bc the risk of miscarriage (new fear unlocked that night) and began buying clothes a week later and asking my style preference specifically if I wanted to dress my child “preppy” (you’ll literally only ever hear death metal bands like Cannibal Corpse and Lorna Shore in our home which she knows…) She asks more questions than my own mother, who just naturally “gets” me and knows how quickly I get overwhelmed. My husband and I are people who genuinely need a lot of solitude/privacy to regulate. She’s already asking how big our couch is for when she “stays to help with the baby.”

I should also add which is extremely important context that my husband was diagnosed with Asperger’s at age 10, so this adds another layer because I know he wants to feel supported during such a huge life transition. It can already be hard enough to even want to embark on a pregnancy experience as someone with autism and when you’re naturally introverted/private, so I absolutely understand why family support matters to him and I don’t take that lightly at all. He is my world and I want him to feel supported just as he has supported me through this journey so far. I just also know myself very well, and having someone in my space long-term postpartum would likely take a real toll on my mental state, so I’m struggling to figure out what that balance looks like.

She truly is a sweetheart, just quite overbearing at times. She suddenly texts me every day, which has not historically been our dynamic, and she’s always “making sure” we have what we need by monitoring the registry even though my own mom is already very present in my life. A little tea too, her three daughters all live near her and she was the go-to during their pregnancies but I watched her ostracize the in-law mothers of her daughters and it always stuck with me so for her to now suddenly want a lot of closeness/access with her only son’s wife, who also already has her own mom, just feels emotionally strange to me and makes me uncomfortable. Being an interracial couple I do think adds another layer to navigating expectations/family dynamics as well. 

For those of you who are naturally very private or solitude-driven:

1. ⁠Did you allow family/in-laws to stay with you immediately postpartum?
2. ⁠Did you regret it or end up being thankful for it later?
3. ⁠Did anyone wait until maternity leave ended before accepting more help?
4. ⁠How did you balance wanting your child to know family while also protecting your peace/recovery?
5. ⁠Did your need for solitude change after becoming a mom, or did you still crave a lot of quiet/private time in your home?

I think I’m struggling because I know people mean well, but I also know myself very well. Too much access to my space can make me feel emotionally overloaded very quickly and make me feel like I have to “put on” or “perform,” which is exhausting and emotionally draining. The idea of feeling that way in my own home postpartum feels dark to me because home is the one place I fully unwind. Realistically I’ll be lucky to wear pants half the time postpartum, and the idea of needing to feel presentable just to walk from the living room to the kitchen for water because someone is sleeping on my couch honestly stresses me out.
Would especially love to hear from moms who were already very independent/private BEFORE motherhood and how you navigated this transition. Experiences from moms with autistic spouses would be especially enlightening for me so I hope I’m lucky enough to hear from you too. 

Thank you all for your input in advance. I greatly appreciate it ❤️🫶🏾