r/INFJsOver30

As the title says, what do you wish was different about our current dating landscape? Online or off it, it feels pretty discouraging for 99% of people right now.

If you could snap your fingers & change one thing, what would it be?

Is there a way we could structure in-person dating events to work better?

I have been on apps for years, gone to plenty of offline, singles events, & everything just feels like it's missing the mark, repeatedly, badly, frustratingly so lol.

What do you prefer and what’s the difference between these 3 for you?

Do you ever get into a deep conversation, only to freak out and back off and later start complaining that you crave depth but no one seems available?

Who are the people you can have these conversations with?
Do you miss human contact or connection? Why or why not?

*The Burned Haystack Dating Method by PhD Jennie Young
Recently she has released her book, but has many pod casts and a Facebook group, insta, Substack etc.

So, I’ve been using the BHDM for the past couple of months.

It is lonely. lol.

Any other INFJs using this??

I am willing to keep going with it, despite my sister saying just go on some dates. Some days it honestly makes you feel very isolated tho, despite getting attention and likes.

Any other INFJ folks giving it a go? Online or otherwise?

This is how I’ve always viewed the INFJ imagination. We have this ability to project beauty even on the most broken pieces of life… if we choose to.

That’s because our minds never stop thinking, scanning, searching... it’s almost like an addiction to thought. 🙃

Most of us scan people in person when we first meet them to decide whether to approach or keep our distance. But how about online behavior?

How many of you tend to "visualize" the people behind online comments just by looking at their nickname?
Do you, out of nowhere, start picturing how they act in real life, what they look like or the sound of their voice?

And because I know I am a “walking contradiction”, for me, this is like a puzzle that my brain tries to solve in real time.
It’s quite fun, especially when I become aware of it and start putting the pieces together using logic or thinking what face and what microexpressions would match the comment someone left.

I need to give that voice, that energy a physical form or at least a metaphor to anchor it. It feels like I can’t just interact with a robotic “voice” on my phone (we have Siri for that and I’m not using it).

Does this happen to you too?

Many of you will judge me for this, some will be left overthinking and others might deeply resonate with what I’m about to say.
I own every reaction this will mirror, because ultimately, this isn't about me.

You know that feeling when you absorb so much pain and compassion for someone that you feel an intense urge to fix their problems? We do it because watching them suffer hurts us physically and emotionally.

Personally, I’ve started to realize there is something inherently selfish about this desperate need to fix everything around us—of trying to save everyone, even when they refuse to be saved.

Why do I think it’s selfish? Because deep down, I want to fix them just so my own borrowed pain will finally stop.

Since I don't always know how to prevent myself from absorbing their energy, my default setting is to solve the issue for them.

But lately, I’ve been thinking: I would never hand my own suffering over to someone else to carry it for me.
So who am I to rob them of theirs? Maybe it’s time to respect people enough to let them carry their own pain at their own rhythm.

I think of it like a small child who refuses to believe the tea is hot. The solution isn't to over-explain the theory. It’s to sit right next to them, making sure they don’t spill the whole boiling cup over themselves, but letting them touch the hot surface. They will never understand the truth if they aren't allowed to feel a little bit of reality.

What do you think?

Even when you know you're doing everything right it still feels like you don't get what you want. On the surface you're loyal, communicative, honest, empathetic, kind, caring, compassionate, & moral, and yet, you scare people off. It's like, what did I do wrong? I did all of the things right that are expected of a good type of person. I did what a human is expected to be, at least a well adjusted human. I followed the "script".

I honestly laugh because I am hyper self aware and it bites back at me.

I think I am better off being alone, isolating, in nature, just in my mind.

Oh, people. You are funny. I just laugh. You have to laugh. Laugh at how ridiculous it is. It feels like I am the only human sometimes. Everyone else is alien. Or maybe I am the alien. This is why I don't talk to people much. I feel like I am the whole package. Always working on improving me. I feel like it scares people away or something I don't know. I always try to find the deeper meaning.

I'm going for a walk.

Like everyone else, this question has crossed my mind more than once.

But the other day, while watching a spider spin its web (quite unusual for me because I’m not a spider fan) it suddenly hit me: Why do we need a higher purpose to live for?

We like to say that humans are the most evolved creatures on Earth because of our ability to think. But honestly, it feels like we are constantly self-sabotating with the exact thing that was supposed to be our ultimate weapon. We overcomplicate our existence by chasing deep, hidden meanings.

What if animals or plants started asking themselves this very same question?

What if a spider questioned its existence and stopped spinning its web? Crop pests and harmful insects would multiply beyond control.

What if bees decided it’s not worth living for just 40 days and simply stopped pollinating flowers? Humans would pretty much run out of food.

If every single animal or plant asked this question and decided it wasn't worth it, the entire ecosystem would collapse into absolute chaos. Nature doesn't search for a hidden meaning. It just is, and it maintains a perfect balance.

Maybe our life is not so much about the purpose, but about keeping a balance in our own ecosystem (private life, social life, etc.).

Don’t get me wrong, I’m all in for reaching goals, following dreams and not against believing in gods or higher powers—I was one of those who truly wanted to believe in something greater than the pain of this experience of life—it’s just that quite often, people forget to just… EXIST.

They get so consumed by their goals or higher purposes that they become "non-existent" in this world.
Yes, their bodies are still here, but it feels like I’m talking to an empty shell when I meet someone like that. And the worst part is that they won’t even consider "coming down" to talk without superiority or arrogance to a normal, "unworthy" human like me.
The irony—at least for me—is that right here, right now, we are equals and their grand beliefs are just hopes for a potential future while my mediocrity is real.

Anyway, I can’t stop thinking that maybe we complicate things too much when the answer is right in front of our eyes. As the "evolved" creatures we believe we are… we just can’t seem to accept simple things for what they are. Because doing so would mean admitting we aren't that special.
It would mean we just have a part to play—one that comes with accountability—and that’s something most people can’t handle.

I don't know about you, but that’s how I realized why my extraverted sensing was hitting rock bottom. It doesn't mean I’ve fixed the problem, but at least I found the root of it and now I have a starting point to find the solution.

How often do you catch yourself overcomplicating things that are actually meant to be simple?
What’s your purpose in life?

Personally, I have my own “Holy Trinity” to be judged in the courtroom of my mind:

-Me: the mask that others see
-Myself: my ego
-And I: my true existence when the other two take a break

I don’t blame others for taking me for granted. It’s my fault if I allow them to do so.
I don’t blame others (anymore) for mocking my ideas. It’s my ego’s responsibility to choose how to react to frustration.
And… it’s not me against the world, or the whole world against me.
It’s all about accepting differences and not trying to change the true “I” just to fit in or trying to change others so that I don’t feel weird or lonely anymore.

To be honest, I still don’t know how to receive a compliment. That’s where the fine line between “myself” and ”I” plays its part. If someone tells me I’m beautiful or intelligent, it moves absolutely nothing inside me. The perfectionist in me is still running the show in the background, but I’m training myself not to fall into the overthinking trap of dissecting what lies behind a compliment.

Sometimes, a compliment is just a compliment and I take it as it is. I’ve realized that digging too deep risks ruining the good mood of the person who said it, just so I can satisfy my own need to be sure they actually understood what they meant.

Same thing goes for when I hear “I understand you”. A part of me deeply craves to be understood and the other part thinks no one could, because sometimes I don’t even understand myself. But I’ve stopped arguing with that paradox for the same reason and I’m learning to simply accept an outside perspective without over-dissecting it.

I can always accept a good argument, even if I don’t like the messenger.
I’m not a competitive person.I don’t want to win, but I absolutely love a deep conversation with strong, valid arguments, just to explore both of our perspectives for the fun of learning different things.

So, are you still blaming yourselves, blaming others or you made peace in your mind?

Do you still overcriticize yourselves expecting others to accept those parts that you reject or have you managed to accept who you really are with all your flaws and strengths?

P.S.: to those of you who think the whole world is against you, let me break down that wall for you by saying that there is at least one person in this world who isn’t against you–and that’s me…myself and I.
Giving you all a big hug! 🤗

Do you have a hard time tolerating annoying or repetitive noises, like scratching on metal, nails on a chalkboard, or lip smacking?

I just had a brief interaction with someone who was constantly smacking their lips and I had to raise my voice just to somehow block out the sound.

It really drives me crazy and all my senses are... “shining bright like a diamond” (in the worst way possible) when I hear that.

Is there any practical solution to learn how to tolerate this?

So far, my only coping mechanisms have been to just forcefully endure it when I'm forced to, or simply walk away when it becomes completely unbearable

I'm curious how other INFJs who've settled into careers, relationships, or family life actually organize everything.

When you start your day, what's the first thing you check? Your calendar, your task list, or your notes?

How do you capture ideas before you forget them? How do you plan your day and keep track of responsibilities?

Do you prefer one app that does everything, or separate apps for your calendar, tasks, and notes? Or something else?

How much do you rely on your calendar versus a to-do list? Where do your notes fit into your workflow?

I'm trying to simplify my own system and would rather build something sustainable than keep jumping between productivity apps. I'd love to hear what's actually worked for you over the years.

Whenever there's a wholesome moment in my life such as a coworker congratulating me for my work or admiring my work or a positive feedback I can't help but start crying. It got better but still happens sometimes.

Either something has to be terribly wrong with me or... I don't know what to believe.

I just feel like anything positive that happens to me is undeserved and I just experience a version of reality where good things happen to me that is not what I was supposed to experience...

Hiiii! As an INFJ man, how would you feel if the woman you love gave your flowers? Not a standard bouquet , but individual stems different ones on different days. I´ve always dreamed of giving flowers to the man i love. I´m just a little afraid he might feel uncomfortable or not like it. If the woman you´re in love with did this for you, how would it make you feel?

I'm starting to think my overthinking isn't necessarily something bad. I feel protected when I think. When I don't think at all is when I feel like something could be wrong.

I am aware some of my overthinking reaches lands of "unnecessary thinking" but I am also aware that it can help me by providing an extra layer of safety. It's usually around making sure things "work properly", that's the best way I can describe it.

Another reason I started to look at it from a positive light is that media constantly bombards us with the narrative that "overthinking is bad". Says who? Exactly. Them.

A few days ago, I wrote about making a conscious decision to own my truth and my flaws. But to be completely honest, I couldn't have reached this peaceful state without a brutal awakening that finally broke the Ni-Ti loop.

I remember the first time (years ago) I opened my heart in front of a narcissist, simply because I couldn’t stand being judged anymore and was desperately hoping for understanding and comfort. Well, that had a catastrophic effect on my ego, but it was also the FIRST enlightenment of my true self.

Why? Because the response I received was: “Okay, your life was fucked up and you were alone in all of that, but you are not a victim, so get over it.”

Imagine a brick hitting you with full force in the back of your head. That’s exactly what I felt and over time, I started naming those moments “short circuits in my brain”. And it wasn't because of their insensitivity, but because of a brutal truth I couldn’t and wouldn’t accept: I AM NOT A VICTIM!

Don't get me wrong: I was a victim during my childhood, at the hands of my narcissistic mother. Back then, I had no choice. But once I turned 18 and entered adulthood, I could no longer blame anyone else—though I did.

I simply chose to be a victim for a very long time because it’s so much easier to feel like the whole universe is against you than to buckle up, get your shit together, work with your trauma and take accountability for your own actions. That is one of the most painful and tough experiences for a human ego, but it can also be the very start of real growth.

I used the narcissist's words (and I had plenty to choose from) to analyze my past self and improve in the present. My only mistake back then was that I wasn’t doing it for ME, but to gain their acceptance and nothing I did could ever be enough.

Now, I’m reconfiguring all of that. Okay, life can be a bitch, but I decide how to react to it. I can’t accept being at the mercy of the stars, a higher power, or other people. I never could, although I really tried.

I guess in my case, my stubbornness actually helps. When life gives me lemons, I really squeeze them to extract the best out of everything. This is not about toxic optimism. It’s about being brutally honest with myself and accepting the truth, even when it comes in a way I don’t like.

I don’t hate people, but I’ve spent too much time hating myself.

I’m not here to judge,but I do have some very serious questions:

Anyone else felt this way or experienced something similar?
Has anyone else had “short circuits” in their brain and couldn’t translate them?

And most of all: how many of us are really honest with ourselves and how many are still using victimhood as a shield to protect our ego?

I'm curious how other infjs view friendships.

I'm not talking about family friends. I'm not talking about friends that live far away from you that you were once in constant contact with years ago and now that you moved somewhere else you started talking less to them.

I don't have what the majority of people understand by friends. And when I say friends is people that I am constantly in touch with when I am home, to plan stuff and such. I get along with a lot people, I'm an easy going, smiley person, but friendships for me have always been something so tough to understand.

Am I friends with someone if we laugh together at work? No. Should I consider someone a friend if I invite them to visit my city? Maybe. But even then, it might just be a coworker that I get along with really well. And there's a level of trust there.

Are there people in my life that consider me their friend? Probably yes. Do I consider them my friends? Hard to say. If we only interact at work, for me it's just a work relationship, not a friendship. Anything outside work, has the potential to become a friendship.

Somehow I've learned to live my life without friends. For me it would even be a big stress in my life to have a lot of friends.

I don't fit into the autistic stereotypes. Some of them I do, others I don't. But I still feel that neurotypical persons don't deal with what I deal with regularly.

But I may not be autistic, I may just be me.

Example: My room has to be perfectly tidy otherwise I can't sleep or relax there. It applies to any kind of indoor rooms.

Could live off eating feta cheese and fries for an entire year every day. Why? I just love this combination.

Super clumsy all the time. I have to be aware of where my arms and legs are in space to avoid hurting myself randomly.

I hate getting dirty or my clothes getting dirty and I hate touching stuff from the ground, if I do I feel the need to wash my hands immediately. And so on and so forth...

Again, it could just be my personality, though curiosity is begging me to get tested...

So far I've noticed, based on loving INFJs that they like those:

- listening,

- remembering details,

- building mind map around who they are and their life,

- gratitude,

- support,

- real deep connection,

- being consistent (I struggle with this one lots),

- being honest, transparent and clear,

- warmth and passion,

- freedom to be themselves,

- team work around daily life struggles and practical things,

- open communication (also so hard for me)

I also noticed that I break down my ego and walls since all my defenses will be seen through anyway. Any other ones? :)

I feel like lately I've been embracing my extreme sensitivity instead of blocking it, suppressing it, or downplaying it. I take interactions very seriously. Sometimes not. I feel like I am a very kind person. I feel like because of my sensitivity and kindness it puts me in a situation where I feel like I'm signing myself up for hurt. I tried not being sensitive and "too much" by putting a cap on it. But eventually that bottle of sensitivity, feelings, and emotions explode and the cap comes off because I can't cap how I feel inside.

I woulf see other people and some of them seem so non-chalant, calm, and relaxed, at least on the outside. I feel like my sensitivity is a strength but also can be a weakness because I am more prone to hurt.

I guess I'm just trying to get at is: am I doing anything wrong? I just sometimes feel like I'm too much, I'm too sensitive. I can't seem to help it though. I try and try to act like I don't care so much, that it's not a big deal, but it is. I feel like I do have a backbone to some degree though. I have things that ground me like the gym, journaling, nature, therapy, and in general I focus on distractions to keep my mind from pondering and thinking too much otherwise it will make me go obsessive.

This is why I don't like romantic relationships, dating, talking to new people because my innate sensitivity is what always gets me problems. For reference I'm 25. I think I just need more hard life experiences. I don't know.

So, this might sound a little too woowoo for this forum, but I'm not sure where to ask.

When sending genuine feelings/vibes of goodwill and health to someone very nasty that I know (neighbor), it feels like it is making them sick. I can best describe it as, I send the energy, then feel them feeling my positive energy. As it permeates them, it makes them feel sick and then I feel them feeling sick.

I have this sense with other people about other things - like being able to really feel others' pain or thought processes when in a meditative and open state, so it's not limited to this weird interaction.

Does anyone have any similar experiences, or perhaps could direct me to a more appropriate Reddit forum?

Thank you!!! :)