r/INFJsOver30

I had some traumatic experiences. I was married for 8 years. I was discarded by a BPD narcissist. Dating her was like seeing true blue. The emotional high was SO INTENSE. She was an ENFJ btw.

But she was almost 100% a lie. Everything was a lie.

After that I went on to study dating advice in depth and became very educated on… all of it. And now that I basically know all there is to know about relationship stuff (I was quite obsessed for a time.) I get all the petty little manipulative games you have to play to keep people interested in you…. I can’t do it. I give up. I’m throwing in the towel.

I used to think that if I was just REALLY REALLY dutiful and loving and honest and self sacrificing and aware of my toxic traits and blah blah blah, that would be enough. But it won’t really… will it.

Because you need some drama to keep the spark alive. You need to be kinda manipulative. You have to play cat and mouse and pretend you don’t care strategically and attract other women’s attention so she thinks you’re valuable and all this other nonsense, that looking back on my relationships, YEA that would have worked. In hindsight these stupid manipulative dating games you have to play to keep her interested WOULD have worked, if you’re not willing to play them the next guy will be and she will happily walk away from my boring “duty” and “love.” I just don’t have it in me. I’m tired fam.

Am I just jaded and cynical? I don’t think I am.

Hi INFJers

After decades of working different jobs because of my versatility since I just can't keep doing same job for long as I get bored or drained quickly,the longest I stayed in one job so far is 5 years and I am ready to pivot to an other job.

My concern or my question is that I reached a point where I deeply feel like I don't wanna work for anyone anymore.

Do you INFJ'S feel like we have to be our own boss to fulfill our purpose!?

What are the best careers path for infj considering AI

Appreciate your insights

I’m wondering if any other INFJs have struggled with religion in a similar way, because lately I feel completely torn and honestly exhausted.

I grew up in a family that wasn’t extremely religious or radical, but religion was always there in the background. It was kind of part of the culture and the way I grew up. I still believe in God, and I don’t think I’ve completely left religion behind. At the same time, I’ve never felt completely at peace with it either.

There’s one particular issue in my religion that is considered very serious and basically non-negotiable: marrying someone who isn’t Muslim. I’m currently in a relationship with someone who isn’t Muslim, and this has created a lot of guilt, fear and doubt for me.

My father strongly disapproves of my relationship for religious reasons. But the difficult part is that my relationship with him has always been complicated, even before this. He has said a lot of things to me over the years that really damaged my self-esteem and made me feel like I wasn’t good enough. I’ve been insulted and put down so much that, honestly, I think I eventually started believing some of those things about myself.

And now he also makes me feel guilty about my relationship. He has said things along the lines of “because of you, I’m going to end up in hell” because I’m with my boyfriend. Hearing things like that makes me feel incredibly guilty, as if I’m responsible for his relationship with God and for the consequences of my own choices on him.

So religion has become mixed up with all of these feelings for me.

On one hand, I believe in God. Religion is still part of me, and I don’t necessarily want to leave it behind.

On the other hand, I’m tired. I just want to live my relationship, love someone, build something with them and have a normal life without constantly wondering whether I’m doing something wrong or whether I’m going to “pay the price” for it.

Sometimes I honestly think that life must be simpler for people who aren’t religious. Not necessarily because they’re happier, but because they don’t seem to have this particular kind of inner conflict. They can fall in love with someone without constantly wondering whether their relationship is morally wrong, whether they’re disappointing God, whether their family will reject them, or whether they’re making a choice they’ll regret forever.

And I think what makes this even harder is that I don’t know what I believe anymore. I’m not sure if I’m genuinely questioning my faith or if I’m just overwhelmed by guilt, family pressure and everything I’ve experienced growing up.

I recently had an experience related to religion that made me question myself even more, and now I find myself overthinking every little thing and wondering what it means about my faith. Instead of religion feeling like something peaceful, I sometimes feel afraid of doing something wrong.

I don’t want to disrespect my religion. I don’t want to hurt my family. But I also don’t want to spend my life giving up my own happiness because I’m afraid of being punished or rejected.

I feel like I’m stuck between two versions of myself:

The part of me that believes in God and wants to remain connected to my faith, and the part of me that just wants to breathe, love someone and live my own life. Without thinking that im going to hell

I’d really love to hear your opinions on my situation, especially from other INFJs who have experienced something similar. I’d also genuinely love to hear about your own journeys, how you dealt with religious doubts or conflicts between your beliefs, your family and your relationships, and whether you eventually found a way to make peace with it.

I’m really interested in hearing different perspectives and personal experiences, so please feel free to share.

Sometimes I feel like another INFJ might understand me better and be more naturally compatible. I’ve talked to an INTJ and an INFP and it’s been difficult because one feels too logical for me, while the other feels too emotional.

Dating is already complicated for me because I’m asexual and have vaginismus , so sex can be painful for me.
That makes my dating pool really, really small. Even if I find someone who is asexual or has a low libido and could be sexually compatible with me, there are still so many other things that matter..

I feel like I’m also very self-aware about who I am, what I want, what I need, what I can’t compromise on, and what I stand for. And sometimes I wonder if that makes dating more complicated than it is for people who can just date casually and figure things out along the way. Is this an INFJ thing?
I want someone financially stable, but that doesn’t mean I’m simply looking for someone rich. Financial security is important to me because I want to live comfortably, not in survival mode. But I also need someone who shares similar values and mindset, someone I can genuinely understand and who understands me.

Physical attraction is something I could probably compromise on to some extent, but values and mindset are much harder for me to compromise on. I want someone I can talk to about everything every day, grow old together with, and build a comfortable life with.

And I don’t just want companionship. A relationship that feels like having a close friend wouldn’t really work for me. I’m a hopeless romantic. I want affection, emotional intimacy, and romance too.
So sometimes I feel like finding someone compatible is really difficult. There are already so many things I need to consider, and sexual compatibility is only one of them.

So, INFJs, how did you find your person?
or is it difficult for you to do that because you already know too much about what you want and need?
And what MBTI is your partner?

I’m super sensitive to energy. Especially energy of places where emotionally charged things happened. I thought it would be interesting to visit the catacombs. But today I had the thought maybe this is the worst idea for me. Anyone else do this?

Are there any INFJs here that have INFJ children? I’d love to hear about your experience if you’re willing to share!

I don’t know. Sometimes I wonder if most of us actually do, or if a lot of us are just really good at carrying things quietly..

I look at my own life and I don’t even have everything I want. I’m still dealing with depression, still feeling stuck in a cycle that I don’t know how to break.

I’ve talked to other INFJ who seem to feel the same way some feeling numb, some feeling like they’ve lost their sense of purpose, and somehow it feels strangely familiar

Maybe right now, my idea of happiness is actually very simple.

I want to run away somewhere in the countryside and live a quiet life.
No constant pressure. No endless responsibilities. Not constantly thinking about money, my parents getting older, or everything I’m supposed to figure out.
Just waking up somewhere peaceful. Having someone beside me who makes me feel safe. Being able to sleep peacefully next to someone I trust, in a place where life feels slow and calm.

Hey fellow INFJs,
Lately I feel burned out from everything. I’ve lost interest in things I used to enjoy, and even traveling which used to help me recharge now feels tiring too.

I feel like I’ve lost my spark and I’ve been isolating myself more and more. I don’t really have a support system in my life, so I’m trying to handle everything alone.

Have any of you experienced something similar?

What helped you get your spark back, or at least feel a little better again?

Question for INFJs only honestly I really love this group and the support. I was wondering anyone have hard time with their spiritual journey? For reference I grew up in a cult, so I’ve dealt with religious trauma a lot of my life I’ve been in therapy for it for ten years. I’m wondering though now I do believe in God personally I’ve went Protestant now I’m interested in becoming catholic but I don’t agree with all their beliefs. I know it should be easy just have my personal relationship with God but for some reason this is the core foundation for me. I’m trying to just be okay with my spirituality. I’m open to it all of course yes I’ve look into astrology and done new ageism as well. I’ve done all practices just anyone else that goes through this. I hate feeling confused on this. thank you in advance.

Anyone have experience with ISTPs? 

This may become a bit of a rant, you have been warned.

I recently met an ISTP on an app. It is an app that is both for friends and dating, and I am looking for both. With her I am focused on friendship. We started writing a little bit and have already hit a big roadblock it seems. Less than a month has passed since we first started talking and I am more than a little frustrated at this point. She says that she is very focused on inner reflection and that she likes and can relate to my entire profile. But when it comes to it, she can't really handle emotions, or bluntness. These were two things I stated as important to me in my profile. I am a very emotional person, but I've been developing my Se and Ti more over several years and it has enabled me to speak my mind a lot more.

The thing is, she doesn't really speak up about what she wants and seems to want me to read her mind. In her demeanor she seems quite assertive, but when it comes to it it's like she just folds and retreats.

I have realized by now that she is far, far less capable of dealing with emotions than she thinks. But I doubt she would ever admit this.

Some background on me for context: 

When I was younger I was very peoplepleasing with my Fe. I would read people and try to give them what they wanted, without them explicitly asking for it in any way. I obviously got tired of this as it led to me having a lot of unfulfulling, one-sided friendships. Developing my Ti and Se more has helped me immensely in breaking this pattern.

Which brings me to today. I would say my profiletext on this app is pretty blunt and when she said that she liked what I wrote, I got my hopes up. I guess now I just feel dissappointed. She said that she truly wants what I want. And while I could sense she was out of her depth with my Fe, these days I have become more hands on. If she says she can handle deep emotionality I will bring it. In my Se and Ti I expect others to take responsibility for their own wellbeing and tell me if they need a change in our dynamic.

She has not done this. I've asked her to tell me what she wants. What she has told me is that she really didn't like my approach in the very beginning. I sensed that she wanted to have a lot of reassurance, essentially to the degree that I am the adult comforting a child. At the same time she isn't upfront at all about this. Maybe she doesn't even realize that she is doing it. 

On my end I want us to talk about this. Giving her this reassurance isn't off the table, but I want us to talk about it from a meta-perspective too.

She doesn't seem very curious about her own inner world and that of others. 

The more I see this whole thing in writing, the more I am thinking; what am I doing? Why am I putting in all this effort? Because I do, even though it is not as Fe heavy as I used to be in the past. I will have a think about my own actions and feelings in this.

If any of you have any experiences or reflections to share, I welcome it.

Sidenote: I wonder if her being a female Thinker plays a part in this. I suspect that she was pushed to be more Feeling growing up. It seems to have resulted in her kind of faking it, and ending up believing that she is actually good at this. I think she believes she has to be. The culture we live in is pretty traditional that way; men are expected to be Thinkers, and women Feelers.

It feels kind of like a child who can't read but tries to hide it, and then have all these strategies to hide it. From my perspective, she doesn't really understand feelings, but she has picked up on how to pretend I guess. I don't think she is wrong the way she is. I mean, I've really appreciated developing my Se and Ti more. Why would I be negative towards her Se and Ti? But when I try to approach this from a space of acceptance, by telling her that she is good enough as she is, she seems to be on the brink of ending all contact between us.

I dont know if this is an INFJ trait or just a me thing. But I have the desire to try to make everything perfect or i want to start over. If I dont like the way my journal looks I want to rip the page out or just get a new journal and start over. If I have a crappy workout or no workout at all I take it as a failure and need to start over. How do I break this cycle and mindset?

Want some advice and in general just want to bounce my thoughts off fellow INFJs who know specifically about hardships in relationships for INFJs.

I have a friendship with someone where it's like this: we're both INFJs. I'm 30M and she's 24F. We're both late bloomers and have known each other for a good few years. We were once intimate for a time, but for various reasons it never became a relationship.

At the time, it felt like she was still a bit young emotionally and hadn't quite found herself yet. She'd lived a fairly sheltered life compared to me, and because I'm older I've naturally had more life experiences. We've stayed in each other's lives on and off, but now live on different continents.

One of the reasons we never got together was because I often felt there was a mismatch in maturity and conversational style (naturally cus she is a lot younger) She could come across as quite self-conscious, a bit awkward socially, and still figuring out who she was. It wasn't that I thought she was unintelligent or lacked depth — far from it. I just found myself craving someone who was naturally curious, confident in their opinions, and who I felt I could effortlessly bounce ideas off. I never quite felt that mental connection I was looking for, and the power dynamics were too hard for me to reconcile with. Plus cultural gaps, her being Canadian me being very English.

Recently we've become closer again (still just over the phone), and she's honestly been putting in an incredible amount of effort. She's become noticeably more curious, asks deeper questions, watches films more thoughtfully, challenges some of my opinions, and generally seems to be making a conscious effort to broaden herself as a person.

I genuinely admire it. It's actually really touching because I know she's making the effort partly for herself, but I also think partly because she knows the sort of conversations I enjoy.

The problem is... despite appreciating all of this, I often find myself withdrawing rather than leaning in.

It's hard to explain. Sometimes our conversations are effortless and we laugh loads together. Other times she'll be joking around or trying to start interesting conversations and I just feel flat. It's almost like I can see the effort, and instead of warming to it, it somehow feels a little self-conscious or forced to me.

I hate that I feel that way because I know she's coming from a genuinely good place.

It's not that she's done anything wrong. In fact, that's what makes this so difficult. She's kind, caring, and really trying.

I also notice lots of tiny things that seem to affect me more than they probably should — her humour, parts of her conversational style, little reactions she has. None of these things are objectively bad, they're just not how I naturally connect with people.

I find myself constantly asking whether we're genuinely compatible instead of simply enjoying spending time with her, and I hate that my brain seems to work that way.

The really sad part is that I think she notices my lack of enthusiasm sometimes. She'll ask if I'm tired or if everything's okay. I don't think either of us really wants to open that conversation because, years ago, I had a habit of over-criticising her and I don't ever want to make her feel like she needs to change herself to earn my approval.

She's already putting so much effort into growing that the idea of pointing out more things feels completely unfair.

What's difficult is that, when it's good, it's really good. We share so much in common. We're both INFJs who'd never really dated before. We play guitar together, go to raves together, play football, have years of shared history, and on paper it feels like there are so many reasons this should work.

She's also someone I'm very attracted to, which almost makes this harder. She's beautiful, kind, and has so many qualities that I would normally look for in a partner.

There are so many things about her that I genuinely admire, which is why I find it so confusing that I sometimes don't feel that natural excitement or pull.

I guess what I'm struggling with is whether this is just pickiness on my part, or whether I'm trying to hold onto a connection that is rare and has so many good sides, despite something fundamental feeling missing.

I feel very guilty about how avoidant I can come across to her, and how critical I used to be. I don't want to fall into that pattern again, but I also don't want to pretend to feel something that I don't. There are many other aspects to this but dont want to write a book here..

My question is this:

Has anyone else been in a situation where you deeply respected and cared for someone, admired the effort they were making, but just couldn't seem to feel genuinely excited around them anymore?

Did your feelings change over time, or did you eventually realise it was pointing towards a lack of compatibility?

Anyone who's struggled to separate admiration, guilt and genuine romantic compatibility?

I was inspired by a post earlier about someone feeling they had been manipulated because of their “big heart.”

I’ve always had a strong reaction to the idea of being a victim in general, so I started wondering how other people define manipulation.

To me, manipulation requires intent. It’s someone being dishonest or deceptive to get something they want. Without that intention, I don’t usually think of it as manipulation.

Ironically, I’ve always been more concerned about manipulating other people than being manipulated myself. When I was 17, a mentor pointed out that I was sometimes benefiting from people’s feelings toward me, even if I wasn’t doing it consciously. He told me that my intentions didn’t necessarily erase the effect. That conversation stuck with me.

Since then, I’ve become very deliberate about how I ask for things and how I communicate. I try not to use guilt, obligation, or emotional leverage to get what I want. Interestingly, I’ve found that some people interpret that directness as being rude or uncaring because I don’t spend much time appealing to their ego before asking a favor.

As for being manipulated myself, I honestly don’t relate to that very much. Part of the reason may be that I’ve never had much trouble setting boundaries or standing up for principles I care about. I also genuinely enjoy helping people, so when I choose to help, it doesn’t feel like I’m being taken advantage of—I was going to do it because I wanted to.

That said, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve become much more selective about where I invest my time and energy. I no longer feel obligated to keep helping people who are consistently disrespectful, emotionally unavailable, unwilling to reciprocate, or simply refuse to do their share. Especially in work environments, I’m happy to help people who are trying. I have very little interest in carrying people who are chronically lazy or unwilling to contribute.

So I’m curious:

Do you feel you’ve been manipulated or taken advantage of because of your “big heart”? Why or why not?

Or do you think, like me, that having strong boundaries and making conscious choices changes the equation?