u/fadedhuesofblue

Anyone have experience with ISTPs? 

This may become a bit of a rant, you have been warned.

I recently met an ISTP on an app. It is an app that is both for friends and dating, and I am looking for both. With her I am focused on friendship. We started writing a little bit and have already hit a big roadblock it seems. Less than a month has passed since we first started talking and I am more than a little frustrated at this point. She says that she is very focused on inner reflection and that she likes and can relate to my entire profile. But when it comes to it, she can't really handle emotions, or bluntness. These were two things I stated as important to me in my profile. I am a very emotional person, but I've been developing my Se and Ti more over several years and it has enabled me to speak my mind a lot more.

The thing is, she doesn't really speak up about what she wants and seems to want me to read her mind. In her demeanor she seems quite assertive, but when it comes to it it's like she just folds and retreats.

I have realized by now that she is far, far less capable of dealing with emotions than she thinks. But I doubt she would ever admit this.

Some background on me for context: 

When I was younger I was very peoplepleasing with my Fe. I would read people and try to give them what they wanted, without them explicitly asking for it in any way. I obviously got tired of this as it led to me having a lot of unfulfulling, one-sided friendships. Developing my Ti and Se more has helped me immensely in breaking this pattern.

Which brings me to today. I would say my profiletext on this app is pretty blunt and when she said that she liked what I wrote, I got my hopes up. I guess now I just feel dissappointed. She said that she truly wants what I want. And while I could sense she was out of her depth with my Fe, these days I have become more hands on. If she says she can handle deep emotionality I will bring it. In my Se and Ti I expect others to take responsibility for their own wellbeing and tell me if they need a change in our dynamic.

She has not done this. I've asked her to tell me what she wants. What she has told me is that she really didn't like my approach in the very beginning. I sensed that she wanted to have a lot of reassurance, essentially to the degree that I am the adult comforting a child. At the same time she isn't upfront at all about this. Maybe she doesn't even realize that she is doing it. 

On my end I want us to talk about this. Giving her this reassurance isn't off the table, but I want us to talk about it from a meta-perspective too.

She doesn't seem very curious about her own inner world and that of others. 

The more I see this whole thing in writing, the more I am thinking; what am I doing? Why am I putting in all this effort? Because I do, even though it is not as Fe heavy as I used to be in the past. I will have a think about my own actions and feelings in this.

If any of you have any experiences or reflections to share, I welcome it.

Sidenote: I wonder if her being a female Thinker plays a part in this. I suspect that she was pushed to be more Feeling growing up. It seems to have resulted in her kind of faking it, and ending up believing that she is actually good at this. I think she believes she has to be. The culture we live in is pretty traditional that way; men are expected to be Thinkers, and women Feelers.

It feels kind of like a child who can't read but tries to hide it, and then have all these strategies to hide it. From my perspective, she doesn't really understand feelings, but she has picked up on how to pretend I guess. I don't think she is wrong the way she is. I mean, I've really appreciated developing my Se and Ti more. Why would I be negative towards her Se and Ti? But when I try to approach this from a space of acceptance, by telling her that she is good enough as she is, she seems to be on the brink of ending all contact between us.

I am an INFJ and I recently interacted with someone who I think is an ISTP. We are both women in our late thirties. Over the years I've become more blunt, which I see as a result of developing my Ti and Se more.

I thought that this would mean that I could get along well with someone like her. We met online and chatted a little bit, then met on video. It seems we have a lot of similar values, and I want to keep getting to know her. But it seems we already may have had some sort of big miscommunication.

We talked about how important freeedom is to both of us and how we want to be ourselves more, among other things. When we ended the chat she said she would contact me. I said that I really appreciated our chat and that I wanted to give myself some space to really process our chat.

From my perspective I didn't say no to meeting again. I said yes to being with myself and going with the flow, and taking things moment to moment, one step at a time.

She seems to have taken this as rejection. Which I didn't expect because I got the impression that she has a rather flexible attitude to relationships and didn't seem very focused on commitment.

To me, my actions aligned with what we were talking about in our conversation; breaking free of peoplepleasing, not being chained down by other peoples expectations etc.

I get the impression that she wanted/wants something specific in our interaction, but at the same time, she doesn't seem comfortable telling me. At this point, I don't know where we stand.

I think everyone has expectations regarding how you go about getting to know someone new. And it seems I missed the mark here. But I find it frustrating; why can't she just tell me? Explain how she likes things, how she feels valued. And I could do the same, and we could move forward from there.

I am interested in meeting her halfway, but I don't want to have to be a mind reader. I've been that person in the past, where I am always trying to read what others need, without them even uttering a word. With my developing Ti and Se I am more assertive, and I am acting more in ways that I want.

I don't think I am wrong in typing her as an ISTP, and so I am wondering; how do you ISTPs function in relationships? What are some of the challenges you have encountered?

If you find it challenging to assert your needs, do you know what helps you do that more?

I am an INFJ and I am writing this here in the hopes of getting some useful input. I've been interacting with an ESFP, and I am confused. It is possible that my lack of understanding of Fi plays a part. My own Fi is in my ENFP shadow, which is why I am posting this here. 

So, I met an ESFP at an event, then met them again at another event later that day. Then met up the following week several times. I really like this person and although I feel some hints of attraction towards them, I am not sure that is the direction I would prefer. I guess I would like to get to know this person on a deep and profound level, no matter if that takes the form of a platonic bond or something with romantic elements.

The thing is, it seems we have such different ways of bonding that we may have crashed massively already. They told me a lot about their family and various troubles and are very much trying to be there for a number of people. In ways that to me, doesn't sound healthy. It sounds like they are sacrificing themselves to hold others afloat.

They seem to want me to like everyone in their life, including their parents. And I..just can't. How can I like and approve of someone who was never really there for this person I really like?

I think ESFPs are amazing, but I don't understand them. This ESFP I met seems to think that they like everyone. When it is obvious to me that they don't. I don't understand this unrelenting loyalty towards people, like their parents. Doesn't it matter how people treat you? I grew up rough and started distancing myself as a young adult. Now, twenty years later, I am zero contact and have been for many years. 

This person seems to understand that. But they see what I grew up with as very clearly wrong, but don't see how any of that has anything to do with their family.

Where we stand now, I don't know. When I care about someone I want them to be true to themselves and towards me. 

So what happened was; This person sent me a voice message and it sounded strange to me. Like this surface-level message you send to appease your parents or something. I got really upset and said this in a voice message.

They seemed to interpret my being upset as me saying that they aren't good enough or shallow. When in reality, I was upset that they sent me a message that sounded forced. I don't want them to do things out of a feeling of obligation. That isn't a good foundation for trust and connection. I want them to contact me because they genuinely want to, and in the way/form/timing that they want. Not out of a sense of duty.

Now it seems they took this as rejection. I could have been clearer in my first voice message, and I did send another to clarify, and called them once. They didn't answer.

I don't know where we stand, and I am thinking I will let this rest for now. From my perspective, it is better to talk this out, as soon as possible. That may not be what works for them though. I just get really worried, because they seem prone to fall into these internal emotional tangles and just get stuck.

I am really interested to hear any Fi users chime in on this. It seems that I did something she didn't like, but instead of telling me, she may be withdrawing. I have been developing my Ti much more in recent years. It has been freeing for me, but I know that Ti and Fi tend to clash.