u/Zenphibian

I had some traumatic experiences. I was married for 8 years. I was discarded by a BPD narcissist. Dating her was like seeing true blue. The emotional high was SO INTENSE. She was an ENFJ btw.

But she was almost 100% a lie. Everything was a lie.

After that I went on to study dating advice in depth and became very educated on… all of it. And now that I basically know all there is to know about relationship stuff (I was quite obsessed for a time.) I get all the petty little manipulative games you have to play to keep people interested in you…. I can’t do it. I give up. I’m throwing in the towel.

I used to think that if I was just REALLY REALLY dutiful and loving and honest and self sacrificing and aware of my toxic traits and blah blah blah, that would be enough. But it won’t really… will it.

Because you need some drama to keep the spark alive. You need to be kinda manipulative. You have to play cat and mouse and pretend you don’t care strategically and attract other women’s attention so she thinks you’re valuable and all this other nonsense, that looking back on my relationships, YEA that would have worked. In hindsight these stupid manipulative dating games you have to play to keep her interested WOULD have worked, if you’re not willing to play them the next guy will be and she will happily walk away from my boring “duty” and “love.” I just don’t have it in me. I’m tired fam.

Am I just jaded and cynical? I don’t think I am.

I am a black sheep. And I love it.

But… after I achieved some success in life (exactly because I’m different) none of my friends who loved me before celebrated with me. In fact, life long friends of 20+ years turned poisonous toward me. I don’t gloat or rub it in their face. I try to share it with them. And I get nothing but resentment in return.

I don’t deserve that treatment from them, or do I? Am I a pompous asshole or something? If that was true why did they love the old version of me before I succeeded at anything? I’m very confused by their behavior. I misjudged something important. Their character, my character, the general character of crowds. Something got super fucked up. I was very delusional for a long time about their friendship? Or they were good people and they changed? Or they have always hated me for being different and just pretended to be my friend? We were good friends. These weren’t casual friendships. They were this poisonous that whole time and I never met this side of them? Why is it ALL of them? I must be a bad judge of character or something. I can’t wrap my head around this.

A tale as old as time.

The crowd does not find your quirky, intellectual, original ideas soothing. They find them disturbing.

They are not impressed with you for being different from them. You would be impressed by that, but you are in the minority. To them, your authenticity and originality and ability to think for yourself makes them feel BAD about themselves. But they don’t have the intellectual tools to figure out why. They just know you make them feel bad, and they want you to go away.

It doesn’t matter if you would take a bullet for them. When the time comes for them to take a bullet, they will step aside and let it hit you with a quiet smirk.

If you are original, authentic, and quirky, it’s best to hide your power level. People do not appreciate that the way you think they do. They have nothing but contempt for you in their hearts…

That being said. Sometimes, it’s necessary to reveal your power level under dire circumstances. Just know it will not be applauded; it will be scrutinized and belittled. Their egos are too fragile for the responsibility of what you possess.

It’s so much simpler than you might think.

Simply mention something you succeeded at, something you’re proud of, something you achieved, something you’re working hard on or something you’re excited about. Don’t be braggy. Just light up with that childlike wonder that brings your soul alive, whatever that may be.

Do they frown and change the subject? Do they look down at the ground and zone out? Or do they light up and smile and match your excited energy?

You may be surprised to learn after running this test that in fact, you have close to zero real friends.

Y’all solipsists can chill. For God to be “lonely” that would require it to experience time the same way we do down here in the 3rd dimension. There is no time up there in the 11th (27th?) dimension to have the thought “I am lonely.” The only way God experiences loneliness is by incarnating as you after a spiritual awakening when all of your friends wanted you to stay drunk and in the mud with them…

Couldn’t handle the gaslighting and fakeness and manipulation any longer. Woke up and realized I was entrenched in an extremely toxic family dynamic. Started by asking for apologies and setting boundaries, calmly. My feelings were treated as a threat (rather than approached with curiosity) they all, one by one, targeted me with insane lies and bullying like I’ve never experienced before. Got labeled as the “problem” and received zero apologies or respect from people I’ve grown up with and knew for 20 yrs. Got pushed to my limit and broke, flipped out, scorched earth, became the villain they were trying to paint me as, burnt everything to the ground.

Ever been group-bullied and gaslit by your family and closest friends before to the point of meltdown?