u/Lostkiddo101

I 28F am in a bit of a tough spot on how to move forward with helping one of my closest friends (NB 27) without spoiling the friendship or burning myself out.

I've known this person my entire life and I have the utmost respect for them and their journey. They're incredibly smart, artistically gifted, hard working, a good person over all. We both came from tough childhoods with abusive parents, addictions, and limited resources and had to navigate a lot. I ended up fully leaving that area and have gotten to a point where I'm comfortable enough in life where I'm doing okay for myself. They stayed and life got more and more rough for them even while they tried their hardest to fix things.

During it all, we've been keeping touch for the 9 years we've been friends and my dude is having a very tough time. Health issues from over working on entry level jobs, medical issues from work/unsafe home environment, financial burdens from prior issues, etc. The same situation I was in when we grew up in Tallahatchie County - you just feel like every step forward, an unknown force pulls you back 2 steps. Through all the BS they've managed to get a college degree and keep sturdy work while pursuing their dreams in the art world. Because I love my friend and see the potential in them and wanted to give them a break I asked them if they wanted to come live with me rent free for 1 year. I'm locked in a lease for a 2BR, can afford the rent on my own, and know they won't financially take advantage of me. I invited them over this month for a test run & I'm second guessing this all. I just want to see if I'm blowing things out of proportion and if it's something to work through with more rigid terms or call it quits completely.

During the visit they raised a few red flags. The first one was that they forgot their medication because they got into an argument with their on/off toxic ex. All the friends hate the ex because she's erratIc and manipuIative to my bud and everyone (stalking, threatening to SH/Self-delete when she doesn't get her way, harassing my friends coworkers, etc) and the discussion kind of turned into an argument where they said they had control of her/the situation and I just didn't get it. From our last discussion a few months back they were done with her after she left them stranded in the middle of a snow storm (bud doesn't drive). When I told them the ex wouldn't be invited in the new space because that kind of defeats the purpose of a new start and focusing on doing better, they sort of started debating it and stated she wouldn't be a problem if she ever came to the state. We talked more about this until it turned into an argument because they refused to admit that the ex is a constant drain/negative to their life - I mean she literally caused to so much mental distress bud forgot their anti-seizure/insomnia medication because you spent all packing day arguing.

We had more situations during the month where they would just flat out argued for the sake of arguing over very simple facts or semantics with me and multiple other people. At one point they misstated a statistic from my job to another person (also from my job) and when I corrected them it turned into a 10 minute argument on how they technically meant it another way but they could see how I could've misunderstood. After maybe 10 conversations like this, where other strangers were jumping in to inform them they were wrong and to just drop it they started blaming it on their autIsm diagnosis and how neurotypicaI people don't understand how they process things.

We had a cleaning issue but it's not too big of a deal to me, I don't really mind washing dishes so this never bothers me with roommates but we'd have dinner I cooked or ordered and they'd agree before/during/ after to wash up ... and just leave it there until I finally got to them hours later. They wouldn't eat properly or drink water and made 0 decisions on their own, I genuinely felt like a parent. We'd have plans to explore the state and every single time, no matter how it was proposed it was always "whatever you want to do". I'd propose 2 options just to get a "lets do what you want" and ended up planning the entire month because they could never give a direct answer. I planned a grocery run where I had to basically press them into telling me what they wanted - they gave very vague answers like "frozen pizza" and "cream soda" - I tried to get specifics because I know I only like certain brands, again got the "whatever you think" just for them to not touch half of it because it wasn't the brand they usually eat. It got so bad that when we were moving their large luggage out of the guest room closet together, I asked them what direction they were heading in (down the stairs or through the bathroom side door) as they were already moving and they gave another indecisive response like "lets go with the way you want" - I snapped at them at this point and said "just answer the question man, you were already moving".

This was their first time visiting me after a decade (I'd see them every few years when I went down to MS to see family) so I was chalking it up to nerves but now my brains been building a narrative I'm not liking. I know for a fact I can have a short fuse, last time I lived with someone was a partner 5 years ago, and when I'm over stimulated and don't get enough time to recuperate I can turn into an asshole. Being the sole decider for another person for a month straight made me a little crabby towards them that last week but I think that's making me see the whole thing in a negative light. The indecision coupled with them being unable to take criticism without it turning into an argument, I'm second guessing this all. I don't want to jump the gun though so mostly asking to see if this is a salvageable arrangement with a solid heart to heart convo. Worst case scenario would be pulling the plug on this...

I want to be accommodating and empathetic of their needs (autism, MH journey, new step in life) but also not feel like I'm parenting them or doing all the mental work while I'm already doing my best to help them get a year to focus on their health, art, and stack some money. I really want to help my bud elevate in life or at least catch a break, but the journey's not even fully begun and it's already feeling like I'm doing too much...

TLDR; I'm trying to help my friend get out of a rut by letting them live with me for 1 year ren free (they're smart, hard working, and trustworthy) but they're doing a lot of little things that make me think they'll be unintentionally burdensome. Is it worth working addressing and working through or just cutting ties.

There's about to be a property opening up on North Ave by the HS & The Sea Caves - as the current tenant, I would strongly advise against anyone taking it. It's a good price and the space is nice but the landlords are manipulative a-holes who will violate your privacy and push reasonable boundaries. At this stage I believe they don't want anyone in the property and really want to sell but are double dipping as they still need the additional income for the renovations they're doing. They will not mention the upcoming sale to tenants but from what I've found out it's hitting the market mid June next year and will be available for rent when I leave in Sept in a few weeks. I wish there was a place to review shoddy landlords in the state but I figured this is the next best thing.

For some background, I'm a single tenant with 0 pets and a spotless rental history. I've lived in VT for 10+ years with 3 past landlords that have all called me a great renter. I've never had any issues before - I have a spotless rental record, do most repairs on my own, and rarely complain unless it's something major I can't handle like flooding or a plumbing issue. This space has had a lot of issues that I've worked with the landlords on including a front door that malfunctioned 20+ times and left me locked outside during the winter, a stove that would short circuit and blow everything out in the apt (almost caused a fire the final time it did this), and mold/moisture issues from standing water/leaks in the basement. I've ignored most of these as my only priority is a safe and quiet space, welp they've taken that away too.

The 2 landlords are incredibly snarky, disingenuous, and 1 of the 2 intends to steamroll anyone who lives in the space if you ever try to reinforce a singular boundary - maybe this was my fault for letting so many things slide. If you call them out on showing up in your space as a tenant they will attempt to gaslight you and deny any wrong doing. This was particularly aggravating as I have footage of one of their spouses inside of my apt while I was asleep, walking through to get access to another part of the house. You can expect 3-4 visits a week working on superficial fixes in preparation for the sale which they will not disclose to you, random utility vehicles and contractors blocking you in, and as of the last week - multiple hired parties banging and dragging things above your head starting around 6am - all with no notification as it's being done in a "shared space". This inaccurate as I've caught them in my storage section and have two incidents on video of them walking through my apartment (which my attorney advised I hold onto un the event things need to be escalated) but again, you're not going to get any reasonable response from them.

It's hard to find good and safe spaces, I don't want anyone to spend all their time and energy securing a space just to get taken advantage of or have to deal with such crappy people. It's been exhausting, I've spoken with 2 separate attorneys and have been advised the violations are things that I could pursue legally (recorded footage of unk male entering the occupied apartment with no warning paired with multiple unnecessary visits violating quiet enjoyment). I don't have the bandwidth to deal with a legal case with everything else going on so I've just decided to leave and warn other potential renters.

Be safe out there!