literally i only bought two things, a calming lickable and a cat shampoo and it came up to $20 ?? to be fair i don’t usually buy from petco so i’m not sure if this is normal, but i just think the prices are really absurd. do you guys have any recommendations on other places to buy animal products for cheaper? i’m a new cat owner btw.
i was seeing a lot of ppl say positive things about the GHH carts. so i went to look for it on the website but i cant find anything. was it removed or something?
okay so my mom was in my room earlier cleaning stuff out my bed, and i have this dildo that’s hidden under this crack between the wall and my bed bc my bed doesn’t push all the way since it has a border at the top. my sheets are always covering it though so you can’t see unless you lift them up plus the fact that it’s dark, but i’m still so anxious that she might’ve looked through there when she went to clean my bed out bc my mom is nosy, and she already be looking through my stuff. last time she found my condoms that i had hidden inside a empty digital cam box & like if she was able to even find that even though it was more hidden, then it’s more likely she could’ve saw the dildo. but i really don’t want to believe that she did omg i was lowkey going crazy just now. especially bc my mom hasn’t been in my room for a while and the reason i found out she was in my room in the first place was because while i was walking by i saw her in there and she was looking through my bag and my bed was clean. literally freaking out and i can’t stop wondering whether she saw it or not because she hasn’t said anything yet, but i can’t help but get the vibes that she did & im so embarrassed bc i don’t want her to know that i have a dildo duh who would. but also i’m just mad that i never have any privacy lol, i don’t have my own room i share with my sister so i don’t have that much privacy or room to hide my stuff and it’s just so frustrating because i really wouldn’t want my mom to know i have a dildo that’s such a awkward situation.
okay so i have been cutting myself since i was around 11, each time i would cut myself it wouldn’t be severely deep, i guess they could be considered “cat scratches” although some have been deeper than others. but this had been a pattern for years. i was taken to the hospital multiple times as well for SH, it worsened my relationship with my mom, and i had to to get on meds plus so much more bs. i’ve had to carry the weight of my scars and the effects that it’s had in my life. i’ve also had to carry the meaning behind all of them which was always during the lowest and most traumatic times of my life. a few years ago during middle school i hit rock bottom. i went through the roughest years of my life which was when i also started cutting. during the end of middle school i ended up staying clean for a while, but it was a very unstable pattern of staying clean for long periods of time and then eruptively relapsing. i recently relapsed a few months back, and something i noticed is that when i cut myself now it significantly hurts more than how it did back then, it doesn’t feel enjoyable or rewarding, it feels as if my brain used to be accustomed to the pain but suddenly now after becoming clean for some reason i am more sensitive to the feeling, it feels way more intense, and sickening. i couldn’t even push the razor deep into my skin without getting sick. i still managed to cut myself but they weren’t deep lines. and it made me feel so fucking pussy. i felt so embarrassed. as if my pain wasn’t as serious as how it felt. in my head i thought “if i’m going through so much pain why can’t i just cut deeper, is my pain not as bad as i thought?” i feel this big wave of embarrassment. because of this feeling of embarrassment. each time i see a person with SH scars in keloid form, i get so incredibly embarrassed with my own scars bc they’re so tiny. i always end up staring at their scars without realizing and it makes me feel bad because i don’t want them to think im judging them. instead i start to subconsciously judge my OWN self. i always feel like no one will take me as serious as they would with those people bc my scars arent “noticable” and it makes me feel so horrible cuz like i genuinely have struggled so much in life and i lowkey have always wanted people to acknowledge my pain, i also feel like no one ever knows/ sees that im struggling because i mask so much that i seem normal to everyone else. this is something that i can’t get over for some reason. it’s not something i do out of jealousy. i know that it was probably not something they’re proud to have either. i have a friend that had a lot of keloid scars from self harming and she hides them because she feels embarrassed of people seeing them which is super ironic bc i feel the complete opposite. i do understand her feelings tho because in middle school when i would have fresh cuts id also hide them and feel embarrassed, but it was out of shame of being called out and put on spot and possibly being taken to the hospital again. but now that my scars have healed, they’re slightly noticable i guess but not from far, and that’s how i feel about people too. i feel like people can never see my pain until they get close to me and i start opening up to them. which brings me back to wanting to be acknowledged. why does it take me having to tell you everything for you to finally realize i was never okay? thats the difference i find with people who have deep scars, they dont have to explain themselves to be seen, their bodies tell the story for them, their skin tells their battles, they have “proof” of their pain. no one questions them. people often like to minimize my pain, not fully acknowledge, or take me as serious because from the outside i seem fine. i hate that these feelings are so dumb. i hate that this shit gets me embarrassed because it’s so fucking stupid. usually you hear people say the opposite, about their scars, always how they regret it, but you never hear anyone say they wish to have more deeper scars lol. don’t get me wrong though i also feel embarrassed at times and icky when i see them on me. these feelings of embarrassment mostly come through when i come across another person with deeper scars cuz it’s the only time i actually can acknowledge how small my cuts are .. anyways this was a long rent and i believe i may have not correctly explained everything to my greatest capacity because this is something i never actually wrote about its just stuff i subconsciously think about so i don’t know how to word it and its 3am so im tired asf lol