u/Low-Warning-1911

I'm a 52-year-old husband and father of two children.

For most of my marriage, I trusted my wife completely. She could go out with friends, travel, stay out late, and I never thought twice about it. I wasn't jealous. I wasn't controlling. I genuinely believed that if you love someone, you trust them.

Over the last couple of years, I discovered multiple affairs. One started with exchanging explicit photos and ended in a sexual encounter at a club. Another involved a man from another city that she actively pursued and met up with.

The worst one was a man in California. There were multiple trips, multiple lies, and a lot of things I found out long after the fact. Some of those trips involved explanations that turned out not to be the full truth.

Since then, my wife has been very clear about something: She doesn't really believe in traditional monogamy anymore.

She talks about sexual adventures, swinger's clubs, open relationships, and experiences with other people. She says she doesn't want another long-term relationship if we split. She wants freedom.

The strange thing is that I don't think the sex is the part that hurts me most. What hurts is the betrayal. The lying. The feeling that while I was trying to save our business, save our finances, and hold our family together, she was living a different life.

For a long time, I thought I wanted to save the marriage. Now I'm not so sure. The woman I married wanted the same future I wanted. The woman sitting across from me today seems to want something completely different.

And maybe that's okay. The realization I've had recently is this: I cannot stop her from being who she is.

If I tell her she can't go somewhere, she'll resent me. If I tell her she can't see certain people, she'll resent me. If I tell her she can't live the life she wants, she'll resent me.

And honestly, I don't want to spend the next 10 years policing another adult.

I'm starting to think the marriage itself is the problem. Not because I hate her. I don't. I love her and I probably always will.

She's still the mother of my children. She's still the most beautiful woman I've ever known. But maybe love isn't enough when two people want completely different lives.

She wants an open relationship and I don't want a long term relationship it's not with her. I'm really not the jealous type but betrayal took a toll on me. The girl I married is gone and I really don't think she's ever coming back.

My current thinking is that divorce may actually bring peace. Not because I want her gone. Not because I want revenge. But because it ends the betrayal.

If we're divorced and she stays out until 3 a.m., that's her choice. If we're divorced and she travels with friends, that's her choice. If we're divorced and she sleeps with other people, that's her choice. There is no betrayal because there is no marriage contract being broken. If she finds someone else, so be it. I'm fine with either or at this point.

Ironically, I feel like I could have a better relationship with her divorced than married. We have children together. We will always be connected. We genuinely enjoy each other's company. We still have an amazing sex life. But I no longer believe we want the same marriage.

Am I crazy for thinking that divorce might actually improve our relationship? Has anyone gone through something similar where the friendship survived but the marriage didn't?

I'm a 52-year-old husband and father of two children.

For most of my marriage, I trusted my wife completely. She could go out with friends, travel, stay out late, and I never thought twice about it. I wasn't jealous. I wasn't controlling. I genuinely believed that if you love someone, you trust them.

Over the last couple of years, I discovered multiple affairs. One started with exchanging explicit photos and ended in a sexual encounter at a club. Another involved a man from another city that she actively pursued and met up with.

The worst one was a man in California. There were multiple trips, multiple lies, and a lot of things I found out long after the fact. Some of those trips involved explanations that turned out not to be the full truth.

Since then, my wife has been very clear about something: She doesn't really believe in traditional monogamy anymore.

She talks about sexual adventures, swinger's clubs, open relationships, and experiences with other people. She says she doesn't want another long-term relationship if we split. She wants freedom.

The strange thing is that I don't think the sex is the part that hurts me most. What hurts is the betrayal. The lying. The feeling that while I was trying to save our business, save our finances, and hold our family together, she was living a different life.

For a long time, I thought I wanted to save the marriage. Now I'm not so sure. The woman I married wanted the same future I wanted. The woman sitting across from me today seems to want something completely different.

And maybe that's okay. The realization I've had recently is this: I cannot stop her from being who she is.

If I tell her she can't go somewhere, she'll resent me. If I tell her she can't see certain people, she'll resent me. If I tell her she can't live the life she wants, she'll resent me.

And honestly, I don't want to spend the next 10 years policing another adult.

I'm starting to think the marriage itself is the problem. Not because I hate her. I don't. I love her and I probably always will.

She's still the mother of my children. She's still the most beautiful woman I've ever known. But maybe love isn't enough when two people want completely different lives.

My current thinking is that divorce may actually bring peace. Not because I want her gone. Not because I want revenge. But because it ends the betrayal.

If we're divorced and she stays out until 3 a.m., that's her choice. If we're divorced and she travels with friends, that's her choice. If we're divorced and she sleeps with other people, that's her choice. There is no betrayal because there is no marriage contract being broken.

Ironically, I feel like I could have a better relationship with her divorced than married. We have children together. We will always be connected. We genuinely enjoy each other's company. We still have an amazing sex life. But I no longer believe we want the same marriage.

Am I crazy for thinking that divorce might actually improve our relationship? Has anyone gone through something similar where the friendship survived but the marriage didn't?

I’m a 52-year-old husband and father of two boys. My wife and I have been married for almost 14 years.

The last two years have been brutal.
My business went through a major crisis. Revenue collapsed, debt piled up, and I spent most of my energy trying to keep my family financially secure.

During this time, I discovered that my wife had been unfaithful.

At first, I thought it was a one-time mistake that happened while she was on vacation.

Then I learned it wasn’t.
After the affair, she went back to see him two more times.

At the time, she told me she was traveling to visit her sister and spend time with her father.

I later learned that seeing this man was part of the reason for those trips.
That revelation hit me harder than the affair itself.

I could maybe understand a terrible decision made in the moment. What I struggle with is the planning, the secrecy, and the repeated choices.

Every trip required decisions.

Buying the ticket.

Making plans.

Telling me a different reason for traveling.

Coming home and acting as if nothing happened.

Since then, I’ve learned other things that have made rebuilding trust even harder. I found out she went to a swingers club but said nothing happened. She has talked about wanting non-monogamy. She has told me she would be upset if I prevented certain trips or experiences.

Meanwhile, I’m the one trying to figure out whether this marriage can be saved.

The confusing part is that I still love her. I’m still attracted to her. We still have good moments together.

Sometimes I can almost convince myself we can rebuild.

Then another memory surfaces, another detail comes out, or I remember that some of her friends and family knew about things before I did.

Her parents know.

Her sisters know.

Her friends know.

The humiliation is difficult to describe.

Recently I asked her:
“If you had unlimited money, a paid-off house, and complete financial independence, would you still choose this marriage?”

Her answer was:
“I don’t know.”

That answer has been stuck in my head ever since.

Part of me wants to save my family.

Part of me thinks that after everything that happened, I deserve a relationship with someone who is absolutely certain they want to be with me.

I’m meeting with a divorce lawyer soon to understand my options, but this post isn’t really about the legal side.

Over time, I discovered multiple men, multiple incidents, multiple deceptions, and repeated choices.

She tells me it’s because I neglected her and the affairs made her feel alive. She told me I was too busy with the kids and she felt apart.

She told me she would never do this again but she wants us to have an open relationship and go to swinger’s clubs.

I forgot to mention but our sex life is amazing! I’m not sure where the girl I married went but she told me she wants to be better and keep our family intact.

For people who stayed after this level of betrayal:

How did you know it was worth trying?

For people who left:

What finally convinced you that trust would never come back?

And if you rebuilt trust, what did your spouse actually do to earn it back?