u/Low_World9204

For context I was raised in a religious christian household but have been agnostic for the last 4 years. I believe in higher power(s) and believe there's power in oneself but I'm having trouble making sense of it all. I've made a lot of changes to my life, being more conscious of my energy and trying to be more present/in the moment. I feel like the minute I decided that I got hit with a bunch of random life events. I loss my job, my mom got diagnosed with cancer, I got in to a car accident, and a month later had a different accident (while exercising) where I got a back injury that has left me disabled and unable to do much of what i used to. I want to believe there's a bigger purpose for everything that has happened, but it feels like the universe is lowkey mocking me at this point. Right now I feel at odds as part of me wants to believe these are lessons teaching me something, but part of me feels tired associating every "bad" thing that happens to me as a learning lesson or a part of a bigger picture. Paired with the state of the world, I find it difficult to find hope. i find myself wanting to prayer but i don't even know to who.

After going through a traumatic event I decided to go back to therapy and now I think I need therapy from therapy. For brief context I went no contact with a family member and was having trouble moving past multiple betrayals. Went I talked about the situation it felt like she was more so judging me rather than treating me. She detailed a treatment plan for me that initially gave me hope. However after a few more sessions she had revealed she had been using chat gpt to not only come up with my treatment plan but all my “homework”. Even though this should’ve been enough reason for me to quit seeing her. I was really struggling with handling the situation. I finally ended my sessions with her after she kept showing up late to sessions, and after she told me how she thinks my next season is preparing me for motherhood, despite me telling her how I have no support system and that I don’t want to even think about having kids anytime soon. I want to start therapy again because I’m struggling, but I’m afraid that other therapists are using AI to “help” me. Additionally this will be my 3rd therapist. My therapist before this one was rude to me after I told her how I couldn’t afford anymore sessions after job loss. And my therapist before that “broke up” with me because she said the things I went through were “normal”. I want help but I feel like everyone I’ve tried to talk to has been really judgmental and for a while and even now I was internalizing it thinking it was something wrong with me. I’m not sure what a normal session is supposed to look like and whether I’m doing it wrong :/

Context: Late February I injured my back doing adult gymnastics. I landed with my chest on the mat and my legs curled around. The following days the pain got progressively worst to the point I couldn't sit, stand or rest without being in excruciating pain. I went to Urgent care and they took x-rays and flagged a potential minimal spine fracture in my T-6 and told me to follow up with an orthopedic doctor. I did that and the doctor told me it's probably just a really bad back sprain, and prescribed oral steroids, muscle relaxers, and gave me a worksheet for spine conditioning exercises. The following day I went to the ER because I started to feel chest pain in addition to my back pain. They took a CT scan and didn't find anything, and sent me home.

Over the next couple of day I felt like the steroids helped some but the pain was still there. I was prescribed another round of steroids a month and a half later, and thought i was in the clear, but then I started going back to my normal activities (without gymnastics and gym stuff) and my back doesn't feel excruciating but I can feel the "pinpoint" of my pain in the T-6 area.

The doctor I went to said it's age that's making the healing process longer, but I'm 29. I've always been super active, and I've never had any physical health problems until this. It's now been almost 3 months and overall I still feel the same way I did in March, with a sharp pain in my upper back, and dull pain in my lower back. I followed all of the recommendations (lumbar pillow, walking, etc.) and nothing has really seemed to work. I can barely ride in my car. I don't want to discredit the doctor but at the same time 3 months with no real improvement in pain for it to just be a back sprain feel OD.

In 2024 my mom facetimed me to let me know she was diagnosed with cancer. She said that doctors found a tumor and that it's fast growing. I cried of course because cancer is a touchy subject in my family because we've had multiple family members diagnosed and died from different cancers. When she was telling me she seemed oddly calm and almost excited to tell me (which i took as maybe the news hasn't been fully processed by her yet). After she told me this she said verbatim "I just wanted to be open and honest about my health to you". She also mentioned how she was frustrated with my dad for 'not taking it seriously' which I naturally took her side, because up til this point I didn't really have any reason not to trust her. Fast forward a few months later at thanksgiving I see my sister (who I'm no/low contact with) I approach her to pretty much talk about how we can both support my mom with her diagnosis. Immediately my sister goes "cancer?" and explains how my mom's doctor hasn't actually diagnosed her with cancer. They said she has a small mass and they weren't sure whether it was a tumor or something else, but they said it's so small that they'd have to wait for it to see whether it grows over the next couple of months before making that diagnosis. I was dumbfounded because I had been calling my mom almost every week since she told me the news and she had been talking with me about her doctors visits and how she's considering doing chemo spot injection vs. surgerical removal. After I found this out I asked my mom what exactly the doctor said and she tried to back track saying "well they still need to wait to confirm whether its a tumor". I had a hard time processing my feelings because her health was still a concern to me but at the same time it felt like she lied to me in a way. I went a month without talking to her because i was just in shock that she's do something like this. A few months after that they confirmed it was cancer but it was very early stage and they were able to remove it surgically. I went to visit her during her surgery to be there for support. But I havent really talked as much to her since. mainly cause I just don't trust her. I felt like she tried to pit me against my dad and I feel like she was using her cancer diagnosis as a way to get attention (which I felt bad for thinking this but she told all of her friends and myself before she was even officially diagnosed). Also us having so many people who had cancer it's surprising to me that she's do something like this. At times I feel like I'm making a big deal out of this, but I can't help but think if she could do something like this how many other things has she omitted or twisted truth. Also, she's a therapist, so it feels like there's really no excuse for her behavior. But idk, it's been a few months and she keeps trying to connect with me, but honestly it's hard for me to talk to her especially since she hasn't really taken any accountablity.