u/Main_Lavishness_9821

So, I recently got together with my boyfriend not too long ago, and it feels weird. I love talking to him and we’re always on call 24/7, but I just feel… off.

I’ve had many other girlfriends before I transitioned, all who I loved, but for some reason it feels different with my boyfriend. I don’t know how to describe it, but I do love him. It doesn’t really feel all that different than when we were still friends. Is this normal?

I hear all these stories of people going through journeys to find out they’re trans, while I just woke up one day and decided, “Meh, why not just be a girl?”

For context, I was a femboy for couple of years. Most of my friends didn’t really care that I was one or the fact that I liked dudes (except for a select few :/) when suddenly I just decided to be trans. And now I’m starting to question if I really am.

I hear a lot of trans people say “They didn’t choose this, it chose them” but that just doesn’t seem to be the case for me. I FEEL like a girl, I like dressing like one and being called she/her feels right, but I feel like a fake for not going through a major journey like others did.

Why has everything become harder after transitioning to a woman? I don’t have that many friends, in fact I only have two. But he just doesn’t respect my pronouns OR name. I’ve corrected him many times but he always just says to “shut up” or “so what?” He’s only recently started calling me by my actual name, but he’ll still mention my deadname as a joke. (Which I found funny at first, but I don’t want to be reminded of it everyday) He’s gay, which I extremely respect, but I just don’t get the same respect back. (I mean, at least the other one somewhat respects me, even if he does slip up)

And my family isn’t helping either. I haven’t came out yet, but my parents will look at me weird and say “don’t do that” when I act more feminine. Even my sister who I thought I could trust said she “Wouldn’t see me as a woman until I got surgery” I usually confide in my girlfriend who also is trans and has gone through the same stuff, but she hasn’t been able to communicate as much.

Growing up I never felt like a boy, I was extremely sensitive and girlish. And growing up, I’d feel uncomfortable in manly clothes. I was bullied a ton my family members for being a crybaby and a softie all through growing up. Then I tried on my first skirt and it just clicked. I felt so comfortable in my skin for once. My sister caught me wearing it, and at the time I was just a femboy, which she didn’t mind. But after I told her I was trans, for some reason everything changed. And also my appearance isn’t much, I’m extremely tall and I have a very deep voice. The only thing remotely feminine is my long hair.

And before I even came out as trans or a femboy, I thought my old friends would accept me as bi. But that’s when they changed and left. One of my closest friend even spat his gum at me when I came up to say hello.

Now I’m starting high school and I’m scared. Im scared because I have so much expected from my family. They want me to do all state choir and focus on my future. But how can I focus on my future when I’m still figuring out the present?

I’m so tired, so tired of being treated differently. I’d just rather stay closeted so nothing else changes.

I HAVENT REMEMBERED THIS GAME IN FOREVER AND WERE GETTING A SECOND ONE?????

For the past few months, I’ve been dreaming of the day I’d find someone to hold me. Someone to cherish me like no other. But I finally realized something. I just want to be held by you, mom. I want you to cherish me. I want you to love me. But I’m too scared, too scared to ask. Why would a nearly fully grown woman ask to be held by her mommy? I’m too scared to open up to you, to tell you what I’ve been going through. I’m too scared to tell you I’m trans, too scared to tell you I dream of the day of my life ending, too scared to ask for one simple hug. I remember one time when you did hug me. I held you tight and didn’t let go, you asked me, “Is something wrong?” And I lied. I lied to you and said I was fine. It’s not fine mom. It’s not fine at all.

Everything I do feels wrong. My mother always shouts at me even as I try my best. My stepdad has been more controlling lately, and my sister said they might get a divorce again. I can’t handle another fucking divorce. Last time, I stress ate until I was overweight, and now I’m sure if they do I’ll kill myself. I have nothing going for me.

I want to do many things, but I procrastinate all the time. I’m too lazy and tired to. I try fixing myself, but I just brush it off.

And after finding out that I’m trans, people keep treating me like shit. I’m so tired. Why the fuck do you care what I do to my body. And if I were to kill myself they’d cry crocodile tears as they jerk their shit off on my body.

Everyone hates me, including myself.