Family Isn't Taking Abuse Seriously
TW: Elder abuse, financial exploitation
I'm sorry this is so long. I'm just so lost.
My father-in-law has dementia. Against my wishes, he was moved into memory care last year. I researched the facility before he was moved and found they were being sued for overcharging, understaffing, and administering medications to patients and doctoring records after the fact. I brought all of this to the attention of the family (as did my SO), but they moved him in anyway. My mother-in-law doesn't want him back in the home because she doesn't want to change her life to accommodate his needs. My SO and I can't take him in and the other kids sided with Mom on the memory care move.
He's fallen 4 times since being there (he uses a walker but forgets to use it and staff doesn't make him). He's lost shoes, watches, glasses, hearing aids, clothes... They are chronically understaffed and never have enough people on the floor. They've changed directors 3 times in the 8 months he's been there. His arms are covered in bruises. They claim he falls and my mother-in-law makes excuses saying he bruises easily. We have a camera in his room but there are none in the common areas. The facility has overcharged for his care from day one with promises of fixing it, but it still hasn't changed. The facility hasn't had a dedicated wellness director (on staff nurse) since Thanksgiving. He "collapsed" in May and was hospitalized for two days. I learned today that the facility illegally changed his medication and care plan without getting a signature from my mother-in-law (his PoA) as required by their own contract and state law. They have a podiatrist who's supposed to come cut his nails, but I went yesterday and two of his toenails are rotting off, one was so long it was curling into the flesh of his toe, and his feet were so filthy I gagged when taking off his socks. I gave him a pedicure and washed his feet with antibacterial soap. I've brought all of this up multiple times. Neither me nor my SO have any say in the situation.
I'm a mental health professional and mandatory reporter in my state. Last week, the video surveillance in his room caught a caregiver verbally abusing him, man-handling him, and picking him up and dropping him forcefully onto his bed. This caregiver is easily 6'6, 350lbs. My father-in-law is 5'10 and weighs 136lbs. My SO and I were livid. We immediately confronted the director and were told the caregiver wouldn't be back. We looked my father-in-law over, took pictures, and were told the caregiver would be reported. The rest of the family said. "We'll file a report next week." By law, I have 72 hours to report an event. I'm not losing my license for these assholes, so my SO and I called the police and filed a report with the state agency. My mother-in-law had the audacity to be angry with me for "stepping in and calling the police when that was her job". I explained my situation and encouraged everyone else to file their own reports with the state. Today, we had a family meeting. No one else had filed a report. They all said, "Well, you did so why would we?" My SO and I asked to set up a schedule for watching the cameras so there's always an eye on Dad. It was meet with a lukewarm response and no surveillance schedule was set.
We've been going back through the video to get evidence of other times this caregiver has been rough with my father-in-law. I'm submitting all of this information to the police and the proper agencies. I'm just so beside myself that no one else cares. What the fuck is wrong with these people? I'm so sick of their terrible attitudes, but I'm so helpless in this situation. My SO and I have been totally shut out of any care decisions. My SO is upset, but he doesn't know what to do either. I'm not sure what I'm asking for help with. Maybe reassurance that I'm not overreacting? That I'm not crazy for thinking we should sue this place off the map? I brought up legal action during the family meeting but was immediately shot down.