u/Many_Asparagus5276

Hello —

I’m in my second marriage. First for wife. We’ve been together for 12 years and married for 9.

I discovered in July 2026 that when we were dating, my live-in gf (now wife) for whom I provided 100%, cheated on me with a man she met on the subway. There is zero doubt about her cheating on me with this man. She knew he was married and w kids. Maybe she saw his being married as a plus — NSA. She told me various lies to cover her tracks with this man.

I also recently discovered that she has had an ongoing line of communication w an ex-bf throughout the years of our marriage. (They dated before I knew her.) I wouldn’t call anything I saw as sexting, but it’s romantic, flirtatious, and nostalgic and discusses getting together in person when she’s back in her hometown (where ex bf still lives). Whether they got together in person or whether my wife committed adultery with him is not a sure thing, but there’s so much smoke there, it sure does appear likely. She has visited her hometown (without me) a few times during our marriage.

Let me also add: I can see that from before my wife met me, she had multitracks going with multiple men simultaneously. Also — I now know that my wife was the “other woman” as to not one, not two, but at least three different marriages.

I’ve been happy in my marriage. My first marriage was miserable and I was so happy in my second. Affectionate, fun, sexual, supportive, blessed with small children now, church going. But now I’ve found all this other stuff out.

When I first found out in July 2026, I mostly stopped sleeping and eating for a few weeks. I’d just start sobbing when I’d be by myself sometimes. Now eating and sleeping are back to normal. The only good thing out of all this is that I’ve become very regular about going to the gym.

I also snapped a lot at wife the first several weeks after I discovered all this. Wife didn’t and doesn’t know why — I haven’t confronted her about any of it. Over the last month or so, I don’t especially snap at her anymore.

I’ve consulted with two different lawyers. They independently both said something along the lines of “You seem pretty happy in the marriage, except for the cheating — are you sure you want to divorce?” That feels a lot like asking Mrs Lincoln, “well, other than that regrettable incident, how did you enjoy the play?” But both lawyers also understood the feeling of outraged betrayal and my thinking strongly about divorce. But they are also right that I’m not sure I want to divorce.

I also spoke to a pastor at my church. He similarly suggested possibly staying in the marriage and maybe not even confronting her: “What could she say to make it better?”

I’ve also been meeting with an individual therapist since I discovered all this in July. He thinks I should confront her and then base a decision on whether to pursue divorce on how honest, transparent, and contrite she is. He points out that she might indeed be able to make it better, by transparency and a commitment to fidelity going forward.

My life continues to be consumed by this: Whenever I’m driving alone, I listen to podcasts about affairs — from a Christian perspective, from a secular one, why they happen, when is recovery possible, when is divorce the best option, etc. I ask AI numerous questions about the situation. Dwell on and research different strategies for divorce.

I’ve been holding off confronting her for a variety of reasons. One reason being that one lawyer wanted me to hold off until I could gather more definitive proof of adultery — in my state, if I prove she committed adultery, I will not have to pay her alimony. Another reason to hold off … well … it seems pretty smooth sailing now … I’m guessing the only adultery is when she is in her hometown and she’s not going there anytime soon … I hate how much divorce will harm our beautiful children.

But I’m inclined to think my individual therapist is right: Confront her — in front of a marital therapist — see how that goes and then base a divorce decision on that.

I think I have to confront her. For one thing, the next time she wants to visit her hometown without me, it will make knots in my stomach and she will want to know why. I won’t want her to go. Another thing: I can tell I am more interested in other women. My feelings of loyalty to my wife are massively reduced so naturally other women are catching my eye. But I’d rather divorce with dignity than cheat.

I honestly don’t have high hopes for my confronting her. I’ve also recently come to discover that my wife has told me a number of lies over the years. Not only to cover up sexual infidelity from many years ago, but medium level lies as to other lesser things as well.

Thoughts?

I posted a version of this on the surviving infidelity and the Christian Marriage subreddits. I wanted to get the BDSM take on this. 

Found out a few things weighing on me terribly just recently.

I was very happy in our ten-year marriage until discovering these things in July 2026:

⁠1. Before wife knew me, she was attempting to five-time her steady bf. Yes, five. During a roughly five-month relationship. Not sure how much of these other relationships were consummated, but it appears 80% likely that at least one of them was. Others were maybe just hot pursuits of hers that were not consummated — but all while in a “committed” relationship.

2. ⁠I am 100% sure wife — when she was my gf — cheated with another man. A married man at that — maybe that assures it is ⁠NSA sex?  Mind you she was living with me for free at the time. She told me lies to cover her tracks.  Not aware of that being BDSM oriented, but I really don’t know.

3. ⁠She has kept up throughout our marriage a flirty / borderline sexting communication with an ex bf.  She first started with bf many years before I knew her, but apparently they enjoyed a BDSM connection. I don’t know much about it other than he wanted her to handcuff him, or leg cuff him, walk on his back with boots, and perhaps whip him.  My wife has actually told me that she doesn’t like that kind of thing, but who knows whether that’s true or she was just saying that because it’s not my thing really.  I really don’t know how central BDSM was to their sex. I know that they liked to share porn with each other that was relatively plain vanilla — although at least some of it was group sex — two women with three men. Getting to the point of who knows what she really thinks — she’s told me she doesn’t like porn and doesn’t look at it.

Oh, and he was married before he ever met my future wife and likely remains so to this day. Long ago, before she knew me, my wife wanted this man to leave his wife for my future wife, but he did not do so.  His wife discovered the affair long ago and told off my wife, but seemingly they at least kept it going for a while. Seemingly it was just kind of an occasional “hey, when you’re in town and bored and lonely, and my wife is out of town, let’s scratch that special itch of ours.” 

Anyway, I don’t know for sure that she has been fully sexually unfaithful in person during our marriage, but I know she’s made 5-6 trips to her home town — without me — during our decade of marriage and I know they keep up communications, at least some of it borderline sexting — certainly romantic and nostalgic and “oh what could have been “ - and they’ve talked about getting together in person but it’s not clear whether they actually did. The texting doesn’t mention BDSM although i texting from before our marriage that does mention it.

Wife doesn’t know that i know any of this — other than years ago she told me she had was familiar with handcuffing and boot walking and didn’t care for it. I only found out a few weeks ago about the rest of it and the cheating and what not. 

Questions

1. ⁠What is percentage chance wife continues the full sexual relationship with ex bf when she returns to her hometown?

2.Is the kink and the infidelity so hard wired into her that there ain’t no coming back from it? Will the threat of divorce help her come back from it?

3.  How much is she really into the dom thing?  And how much was just to make her ex bf (well maybe current bf) happy?  The fact that they’ve had some ongoing connection for close to 20 years suggests she’s not too put off by it. Kind of funny to think he arm twisted her into his being submissive? Does that make any sense?

4. If she is into it, then why did she never suggest it to me? I recall very early on her asking if i wanted “something special.” We didn’t really explore that. But that’s about it. And I obliquely mentioned group sex very early on but when she had a disgusted look on her face, I dropped it.

5. If we beat the odds, and don’t divorce, is this BDSM something we should explore? Or too foreign to us to start now?

I’d be devastated by divorce but she would be much more so. For two reasons — the shame of having to explain to her very Christian family what lead to the divorce and also the financial hit to her would be tremendous.  (Financial hit for me too, to be sure, but not nearly as catastrophic as for her.).

Thoughts?

To the many who might say:  “This a no-brainer. She’s a serial cheater. She’s never gonna change. Divorce her.”

I get that, but for the last 13 years I’ve thought of her as having the looks of a super model, with an enormous amount of joie de vivre, the wholesome family-orientation of the mom from the Brady Bunch, and with quiet low key Christian devotion. Ie , my dream woman. I had thought that no matter what my other problems were in life, I scored so very big time when it came to marriage.

Imagine thinking all that for 13 years and then less than two months ago learning all this wretched stuff. It’s such emotional whiplash, it’s so disorienting, it’s so completely confusing, it’s so incredibly painful, it’s not like I can just throw the on-switch to off in a second. I can’t. Working on it, but this takes me a little time.

All perspectives welcome

Found out a few things weighing on me terribly just recently. I was very happy in our ten year marriage until discovering these things in July.

1. Before wife knew me, she was attempting to five-time her steady bf. Yes, five. Not sure how much of these other relationships were consummated, but it appears 80% likely that at least one of them was.

2). I am 100% sure wife when she was my gf cheated with another man. Mind you she was living with me for free at the time. She told me lies to cover her tracks.

3). She has kept up throughout our marriage a flirty / borderline sexting communication with an ex bf. She first started with bf many years before I knew her, but apparently they really enjoyed a BDSM connection. Oh, and he was married before he ever met my future wife. His wife discovered the affair long ago and told off my wife, but seemingly they at least kept it going for a while. Seemingly it was just kind of an occasional “hey, when you’re in town and bored and lonely, and my wife is out of town, let’s scratch that special itch of ours.” Anyway, I don’t know for sure that she has been fully sexually unfaithful in person during our marriage, but I know she’s made 5-6 trips to her home town — without me — during our decade of marriage and I know they keep up communications, at least some of it borderline sexting and they’ve talked about getting together in person but it’s not clear whether they actually did.

Wife doesn’t know that i know any of this. I only found out a few weeks ago.

Wife and I are not that kinky with each other but I guess we could give it a spin …

Questions

1. What is percentage chance wife continues the full sexual relationship with ex bf when she returns to her hometown?

2. Is the kink and the infidelity so hard wired into her that there ain’t no coming back from it? Will the threat of divorce help her come back from it? I’d be devastated by divorce but she would be much more so. For two reasons — the shame of having to explain to her very Christian family what lead to the divorce and also the financial hit to her would be tremendous.

Thoughts?

New edit in response to the many folks who commented: “This a no-brainer. She’s a serial cheater. She’s never gonna change. Divorce her.”

I get that, but for the last 13 years I’ve thought of her as having the looks of a super model, with an enormous amount of joie de vivre, the wholesome family-orientation of the mom from the Brady Bunch, and with quiet low key Christian devotion. I had thought that no matter what my other problems were in life, I scored so very big time when it came to marriage.

Imagine thinking all that for 13 years and then less than two months ago learning all this wretched stuff. It’s such emotional whiplash, it’s so disorienting, it’s so completely confusing, it’s so incredibly painful, it’s not like I can just throw the on-switch to off in a second. I can’t. Working on it, but this takes me a little time.