u/MaybeIllGetThere

My mom is autistic, averse to touch, rigid, and really struggles with perspective taking. My dad is self-absorbed, abusive, and sadistic; proudly identified as a bully. I grew up with virtually no healthy intimacy. My mom would ignore or cringe away from 'negative' emotions and my dad would attack them. They would never hug or hold hands, rarely kissed. They never talked about relationships, never apologised, never explained their thoughts or feelings. When it came to me and my siblings they couldn't or wouldn't comfort us in any meaningful way, nor expressed any curiosity in us, but lavished us with routines and toys.

Unsurprisingly there was a lot of dysfunction, screaming, crying. My sister was autistic/OCD and my brother would throw violent tantrums. Most of my developmental years was spent feeling helpless and invisible while wanting to hurt or get away from the people closest to me. There wasn't a single person I was remotely close with, and I felt totally emotionally burnt out by the time I was 5. I've been in therapy for 10+ years as an adult, and it's helped hugely, but I feel like my ability to form emotional attachments was permanently obliterated. I just don't know if it's something that can be changed. I feel like a psychopath.

Hey y'all. I've spent a long time trying to develop a personality, emotional range, and a desire to connect with others (with mixed success). The ways in which I have and haven't been successful has got me thinking about the nature of SzPD.

At the start apathy was a predominant theme. As a child I felt dead on arrival, as a teen a walking corpse without a soul. After a lot of therapy, self-expression, and reluctant exploration of relationships in adulthood ambivalence is the predominant theme. I feel more expansive and lively, but in consistently conflicting ways that keep me hyper stable and socially isolated regardless.

e.g. successfully developed a desire for and enjoyment of intimacy... but only if it's paired with sadomasochism in equal measure. I feel much more love for humanity in general... intertwined with deeper anti-sociality. I FEEL much more in general, but multiple emotions at the same time in ways that balance out, like being happy/sad, attracted/repelled, etc. I'm not fluctuating between extremes, it's like I have to go in both directions simultaneously to feel anything at all. Both or none.

This has me wondering if the core of SzPD is a personality that is primarily oriented towards internal stability more than anything else. Social/emotional withdrawal and safety being typical priorities, because they feed this stability. I feel like I'm building range but still stuck in stable equilibrium.

Any of this resonate with you? Any advice on how to get off the balance beam?