u/MeNDeSoyBoyz

I live with my dad (my abuser) anyway 24/7 so it's not like I'm getting any distance from him like everyone online says I should. It's pointless to try to distance myself from my father because he's always trying to get closer to me so might as well indulge in that, right? There's no guarantee he's going to hurt me again, and asking for a hug and massages is innocent, isn't it?

For context, I'm not leaving anytime soon. I'm 23, still in school, jobless and still dependent on him for all my basic needs. Water, food, shelter, money. The problem mainly is I want to get my two younger siblings out of the house too and that will take me even longer. The protection units in my country are shit.

I'm wondering what makes asking for a hug unsafe? He stopped molesting me four years ago.

Edit: Just to add as I really didn't get this out as clearly as I should've. I'm a little emotional and anxious right now so I couldn't really get the thoughts out as clearly as I really should've. I really don't know what to do, I can't make the intrusive fantasies of my dad stop. As I said in a comment, I've tried processing the trauma in different ways. And I've read that this was a way of taking back control. But the other ways that I've tried to process the trauma hasn't worked and I have no one to turn to.

i've put up a couple posts up here and have gotten so many amazing responses from you guys (thank you everyone!). i feel like i'm disappointing people because i'm not making the most out of these responses and i'm still spiralling. And that makes me spiral even more. So much that i'm about to either overeat (stress eat), skip a meal or ghost my therapist, all of which will make me feel even more like shit after. I feel like even if people tell me the truth, I'm still going to question my experiences. Which suck. Is it incest? is it not? is it abuse? is it not? is it molestation? is it not? Does it count? Does it not? I don't know how to get out of this spiral.

for context, this is what he did:

>!Over clothing, from the ages 5-16, my dad would rub, squeeze, press and grab my buttocks really hard. He would even elbow my cheeks sometimes. He spread them too just slightly. He also squeezed my inner thighs. He pinned me down and gave me light kisses all over my face where I felt and smelled his saliva and breath after.!<

how do i stop thinking that other people's sa was worse than mine. I was only molested and not raped. Rape is something that i fantasize about (not intentionally) but other people don't have the luxury to fantasize about that because it's their reality. Everyone would want to be molested over raped because then they'd still be a virgin.

Everyone would want to have my experience instead of others' who had had it worse.

Edit: Thank you everyone for your perspectives, opinions and even encouragement even if I didn't deserve it. I have a lot of thinking to do about all your responses and a lot of reflection. Thank you for being a part of that

how do i stop thinking that other people's csa was worse than mine. I was only molested and not raped. Rape is something that i fantasize about (not intentionally) but other people don't have the luxury to fantasize about that because it's their reality. Everyone would want to be molested over raped because then they'd still be a virgin.

Everyone would want to have my experience instead of others' who had had it worse.

I'm starting to doubt my abuse. Maybe it was all a mistake? Maybe he did it by accident? Am I misunderstanding it? Am I making such a big deal out of it? I have a journal where I wrote down what my father did, if I read it, I'll ruminate. But if i don't have something to remind me of the bad he's done I might be kind and open to him and let him affect me

I'm starting to doubt my abuse. Maybe it was all a mistake? Maybe he did it by accident? Am I misunderstanding it? Am I making such a big deal out of it? I have a journal where I wrote down what my father did to me, if I read it, I'll ruminate. But if i don't have something to remind me of the bad he's done I might be kind and open to him and let him affect me.

TW: >!Mentions of child sexual abuse!<

This is deeply confusing to me. Like I was >! molested but not raped during the ages of 5-15.!< It was all above clothing and my >!vulva!< area was never touched. I was touched on my >!breast and butt!< but both of which are numb while my >!vulva!< area is on fire and aroused. DAE experience this? I'm not looking for medical advice, I just want to ask what everyone thinks is the reason why it happens.

TW: >!Mentions of child sexual abuse!<

This is deeply confusing to me. Like I was >!molested but not raped during the ages of 5-15!<. It was all above clothing and my >!vulva!< area was never touched. I was touched on my >!breast and butt!< but both of which are numb while my >!vulva!< area is on fire and aroused. DAE experience this? Am i alone?

i need advice and a little bit of encouragement. is anyone here currently living with (the people who've hurt them) >!their abusers and/or their enablers!<. How do you cope? how do you navigate the dynamics with the people who have hurt you the most?

i need advice and a little bit of encouragement. is anyone here currently living with (the people who've hurt them) >!their abusers and/or their enablers!<. How do you cope? how do you navigate the dynamics with the people who have hurt you the most?

I think i'm spiralling. What if the abuse wasn't painful? What if I wasn't penetrated? What if I was fully clothed? What if my genitals weren't touched? What if it felt good? is it still csa??? 😭😭