u/Mean-Baseball5061

Мне 21 год, сижу и понимаю что я просто пустой. Все детство и подростковые годы дома был постоянный прессинг и контроль, любые мои слова или переживания тупо высмеивали, говорили что я все выдумываю и проблем у меня быть не может. В итоге весь подростковый возраст прошол в четырех стенах, я просто закрылся в комнате и годами варился в изоляции, без нормального общения и друзей.

Сейчас расхлебываю это каждый день. Ощущение, что своей личности вообще нет, своего мнения ноль, я просто подстраиваюсь под любого собеседника и зеркалю других, чтобы не выделятса. В голове вечная каша и шум. На улице накрывает дикая тревога, кажется что все вокруг пялятса, шепчутса за спиной и осуждают меня, из за этого даже до магазина дойти тяжело. Старые привычки прятаться уже не спасают, а как строить себя с нуля, когда фундамента никогда не было, я без понятия. Кто выбирался из похожей ямы после контроля и изоляции, скажите честно, с чего вы начинали и реально ли вообще собрать себя заново?

I'm 21. My mother was an alcoholic through most of my childhood — I was the one buying her alcohol daily from a young age, going to school, coming back, repeating. She died about two years ago. She never hit me, but there were constant insults, threats, and unpredictable mood swings — sometimes genuinely warm, sometimes cruel, no way to know which one I'd get.

Here's the part that made me want to post here specifically: I recently realized I can't actually recall ever feeling maternal love from her — not even fragments of it. And when I think about her death, I don't feel grief. Just... nothing much. I used to think that was cold of me, but the more I look back, the more it seems like there was genuinely very little there to grieve.

Some other things that seem connected:

\\\\\\\\- I don't trust my own judgment without someone else confirming it first.

\\\\\\\\- I have a hard time identifying what I actually want, separate from what I think I should want.

\\\\\\\\- I default to distancing myself emotionally, even in situations that would normally call for a stronger reaction.

I'm not looking for sympathy about the alcoholism part specifically — I've made peace with the facts of it. I'm more trying to understand: for people who grew up without real emotional attunement from a parent, how did you figure out what you actually feel, versus what you learned to perform or expect to feel? Does the "nothing" I feel now ever turn into something else, or is that just what it is?

I'm 21. My mother was an alcoholic through most of my childhood — I was the one buying her alcohol daily from a young age, going to school, coming back, repeating. She died about two years ago. She never hit me, but there were constant insults, threats, and unpredictable mood swings — sometimes genuinely warm, sometimes cruel, no way to know which one I'd get.

Here's the part that made me want to post here specifically: I recently realized I can't actually recall ever feeling maternal love from her — not even fragments of it. And when I think about her death, I don't feel grief. Just... nothing much. I used to think that was cold of me, but the more I look back, the more it seems like there was genuinely very little there to grieve.

Some other things that seem connected:

\\\\- I don't trust my own judgment without someone else confirming it first.

\\\\- I have a hard time identifying what I actually want, separate from what I think I should want.

\\\\- I default to distancing myself emotionally, even in situations that would normally call for a stronger reaction.

I'm not looking for sympathy about the alcoholism part specifically — I've made peace with the facts of it. I'm more trying to understand: for people who grew up without real emotional attunement from a parent, how did you figure out what you actually feel, versus what you learned to perform or expect to feel? Does the "nothing" I feel now ever turn into something else, or is that just what it is?

I'm 21. My mother was an alcoholic through most of my childhood — I was the one buying her alcohol daily from a young age, going to school, coming back, repeating. She died about two years ago. She never hit me, but there were constant insults, threats, and unpredictable mood swings — sometimes genuinely warm, sometimes cruel, no way to know which one I'd get.

Here's the part that made me want to post here specifically: I recently realized I can't actually recall ever feeling maternal love from her — not even fragments of it. And when I think about her death, I don't feel grief. Just... nothing much. I used to think that was cold of me, but the more I look back, the more it seems like there was genuinely very little there to grieve.

Some other things that seem connected:

\\- I don't trust my own judgment without someone else confirming it first.

\\- I have a hard time identifying what I actually want, separate from what I think I should want.

\\- I default to distancing myself emotionally, even in situations that would normally call for a stronger reaction.

I'm not looking for sympathy about the alcoholism part specifically — I've made peace with the facts of it. I'm more trying to understand: for people who grew up without real emotional attunement from a parent, how did you figure out what you actually feel, versus what you learned to perform or expect to feel? Does the "nothing" I feel now ever turn into something else, or is that just what it is?

I'm 21. My mother was an alcoholic through most of my childhood — I was the one buying her alcohol daily from a young age, going to school, coming back, repeating. She died about two years ago. She never hit me, but there were constant insults, threats, and unpredictable mood swings — sometimes genuinely warm, sometimes cruel, no way to know which one I'd get.

Here's the part that made me want to post here specifically: I recently realized I can't actually recall ever feeling maternal love from her — not even fragments of it. And when I think about her death, I don't feel grief. Just... nothing much. I used to think that was cold of me, but the more I look back, the more it seems like there was genuinely very little there to grieve.

Some other things that seem connected:

\- I don't trust my own judgment without someone else confirming it first.

\- I have a hard time identifying what I actually want, separate from what I think I should want.

\- I default to distancing myself emotionally, even in situations that would normally call for a stronger reaction.

I'm not looking for sympathy about the alcoholism part specifically — I've made peace with the facts of it. I'm more trying to understand: for people who grew up without real emotional attunement from a parent, how did you figure out what you actually feel, versus what you learned to perform or expect to feel? Does the "nothing" I feel now ever turn into something else, or is that just what it is?

My mom drank heavily basically my whole childhood — I don't have solid memories of most of school, a lot of it is just blank. My daily routine as a kid was: wake up, buy her alcohol, go to school, come home, buy more if she needed it, play video games or watch YouTube to check out mentally, sleep, repeat.

She used a mix of affection and cruelty — could be a genuinely caring mother some days, and say horrifying things on others. She died two years ago. My father, who'd basically been absent long before that, died about six months after her.

What I'm noticing now, as an adult:

- I don't trust my own judgment by default — I need someone else to agree with a decision before I feel confident acting on it.

- I have a hard time being assertive, especially with older authority-type men — I just go blank.

- I crave control, which I think comes directly from years of needing to monitor and manage an unpredictable, unsafe home.

- I isolate a lot, and I'm careful about how much I tell people, because I've noticed people mostly respond with pity rather than actually relating.

I'm not dealing with active family conflict right now, so this isn't a "help me handle a crisis" post — more that I'm trying to understand which of my patterns are actually mine, and which ones are just leftover survival habits from a house that isn't there anymore. If you grew up in something similar, what helped you tell the difference?

I'm 21. I'll lay it out without sugarcoating it, because I'm tired of only ever saying this to myself.

Today my uncle came over with a friend of his to install a washing machine. I spent the whole day running errands: buying them beer, food, materials for the installation. When they finished and he'd had a bit to drink, he started digging at me — stuff like "so what do you even do with your life," "have you even been with a woman," and it kept going. I just stood there and couldn't say a single word. Nothing. Even though I had things I could've said — I physically couldn't get them out.

And that "couldn't respond" thing isn't a one-off for me. The second someone raises their voice, or deliberately tries to get under my skin, or just talks down to me with that "authority" tone — I basically shut off. My head goes blank, no words come, and an hour or two later I'm a storm of anger at myself, but the moment's already gone.

Other things I've noticed about myself:

My voice sounds "childish," soft, and when I try to sound firmer it just comes off fake instead of confident. I don't know how to fix that on a physical level.

I almost can't trust my own decisions until I hear someone else's opinion on them first. I just don't trust my own judgment by default.

After moments like that, my memory genuinely blanks out — like my brain deliberately wipes what happened.

I escape into games/YouTube/TikTok when it gets too heavy — it's the only way I know to shut my head off.

Sometimes around other people I feel like an observer rather than a participant — like I'm watching a movie instead of actually living the moment.

This has been going on for years, not just recently. I've tried working through it on my own, but I keep hitting the same wall: I can analyze the situation perfectly well after the fact, but in the moment itself — zero control.

Has anyone dealt with this kind of freezing in the face of confrontation? What actually helped you learn to respond in the moment instead of two hours later in your head? Looking for things that actually worked in practice, not just "be more confident."