u/MeanMushroom4059

We've been living together for 12 years and have 2 kids. Everything was always like he wanted, where we live, how we lived. He managed this somehow by either long (weeks) silent treatment, or if I kept pushing him to talk to me, yelling. A lot of eye rolling. If I open the window even, he gets mad and closes it with force (apperantly he gets a cold if window is open idk), if I put ac in the car, he'd turned it off annoyed. Soon he'd stop making room for me. If I was having a meal he'd storm out because he doesn't want to listen to me eat, if we went anywhere, I didn't have a room to sit in the car because the passanger's sit was full of rubish. He'd mock me at not being able to look after the kids when he is not home (which is not true), if he comes home and kids are fighting he'd yell stuff like I can't even be gone for one minute (I am capable of looking after the kids, all kids sometimes fight). I cook a family meal, he will make a sandwich 5 mintes before it served, I organize to go somewhere with the kids, he'll take the car without telling me (thankfully we have 2 cars now).

He'd also use a lot of gaslighing. I didn't know this. I realized it only when I went to a pysch to tell me what's wrong with me that he hates me so much, and through months of sessions it became clear I have completely distorted reality, don't know what's up or down. I am always to blame. He doesn't really talk to me. He prefers if I am quiet and just make sure we are organized and up to schedule.

I feel like he used me as a tool. He wanted desperately to build an apartment in his parents house, which I paid for. I told him I don't want to live here million times, but when I was in postapartum depression (which annoyed him sooo much he couldn't stand me). I finally agreed as I had no strenght to object. And then he was done with me. Maybe it was something else but it feels like it happened at that time. Since all this I don't know who I am anymore, I've been depressed and at times suici*dal. I don't think he understands I am a human being. He has no interest. Every now and again he is trying to be kind, funny, it used to convince me everything will be fine, but I don't care anymore. I don't want him to tuch me or even look at me anymore. I feel damaged beyond repair. I told him I want to leave and he laughed it off, said where are you gonna go with these market prices, besides, we are absolutely fine as a couple. He seems to belive that.

My pysch thinks he is a narc. I wantched Dr Ramani's videos but it doesn't really match. I have no idea what I am dealing with here, but it's only been a few weeks that's shifted in my head, it's not me, it's him. But realizing the damage he's done to me, it's not easy. And it's too hard to get out financially, but I can't live like this. He is great with other people though, also great with the kids. He is not negative, resentful, like narcs usually can be. What is going on?

I tried to set up schedule and routine for chores, bed time etc. I tried to set up study time to help our audhd son with school. I tried to set up disciplined environment to raise respectful human beings. I tried to organize babysitting so we could spend time together as a couple. I tried to train our dog. I tried to have a home that reflects me as a person at least a little bit. I tried many many times, in different ways to get him to understand what I am trying to do. Every single time he'd come and ruin it all. Everytime. If I set up a routine, ie kids go to bed at 9pm, he'd get them out of the house 10 minutes before as to show me who's boss, if I said anything, he ignored me. He decides when kids will go to bed, even tough he agreed to it when I suggested it. He smashed every plan I create to have some order and some ground rules. He does spends time with the kids, this is not the issue.

I can't anymore. I am burnout. Now kids have no clear rules, house is a mess, it's chaos. We don't talk anymore, I am not asking him to clean up after him self, I am not asking him to help me set up some expectations for the kids, I am not asking him to spend time with me, no family lunch unless it's his idea (I used to cook a lot but then he'd prepare a sandwich for himself 5 minutes before lunch, or would go somewhere when lunch waslready with the kids). He lives his life like it has nothing to do with me. I no longer complain my bed is in a hallway as apprtment never got finished though we've been here 10 years, I don't ask him about his plans. He trained me well. All he wants from me is to participate (more likely organize) in family logistics, doctor appointments etc. and be like a ghost that does the dishes. He is content, finally I am compliant. Non existing person that gets things done.

It's the strangest thing. He invites my sister and her family over but does not tell me (I had plans and was just about to leave when they arrived). He talks to my parents a lot but not to me, ie I found out by accident about his own father serious health situation from my own parents. Does he not see me? Wouldn't you tell your partner such things?

So perhaps he is not a narc. A narc would be looking for my reactions, wouldn't he? He'd want me to be annoyed. Now I am just showing no emotions, no arguments. And he is living his best life.

Either way, narc or not, it suits him. Like he finally gets to live a life so natural to him. It really seems like for the past 13 years we'd been together, this was the person he'd been training me to become. He does not understand partnerhip, joint decissions. It's so foreign to him.

I honestly hope to find the emotional and financial strengt before I stop existing even for myself.

I posted recently about my pysch telling me she thinks my partner might be a narc. I am still trying to digest it. In the last few years I've developed huge resentment towards him. Because I feel like he stole my life. I live where he wanted and like he wanted, my feelings are not at all his concern, I feel small and not even like a person anymore. I am this weird non-existent vesion of myself. And I noticed I am avoiding any conversation, he approaches and smiles and I don't smile back, I look like I reall b*tch, I respond but always in a serious manner, I don't make jokes when he is in a good mood, I am just shut down. If anyone would look at us it would be really clear- he is the poor guy who ended up with this miserable woman. And I keep thinking over and over again, all these people might be right.

How are you handling the dynamics when you have no exit strategy? I mean how do you smile and have a nice time together when everything could flip because of a minor thing? It just feel wrong to act like everything is fine, when he could, very quickly, yell at me for calling him or something else. It just feels safer to just talk to him to ensure day to day goes smoothly, but not to invest youself in the possibility of putting your vulnerability into it. I jst don't know how to do this, but to anyone, I know I look like I am the difficult one. I also have audhd so it's making me think sometimes I am misunderstanding it all. I feel so ashamed feeling like this about him everytime he does a nice thing, every time he is nice to me.

Edit for clarity

About 8 months ago I went to a psych because I am not well, depressed and exhausted. I'been going there every 3 weeks since then. I went because my child is audhd with a lot of challanges, and because I've been having really odd relationship with my partner, which makes me feel really low.

This week we talked more about the relationship which is making me really depressed and unhappy. I asked her if there is any way that I am actually insane or have distortion of reality and it's actually me that is odd, and not my partner, and perhaps I have some sort of diagnosis or I am clinicly insane. She responded strongly in disbelief that this question is deeply concerning and seems like I'veen heavily gaslighted by my partner.

She told me to her it sounds like I live with a narcissist. I am in schock and need to let it out here, I am trying to figure out what's really happening, of course I know you can't diagnose him.

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Reasons why she thinks that (of what I've told her):

- he gives me a lot of silent treatment. He does that every time he disagress with me and it can last for weeks.

- years ago we planned to move in a few months but he, without my knowldge, agreed with the landlord we will do it right away, came home, started packing and wouldn't explain to me what's happening, despite the fact I kept asking what he's doing. He just stayed quiet and kept packing. He constantly does things without considering me or asking me. We already had a baby at that time.

- when I had a really bad postartum depression he told me I was hysterical, or told me to stop crying over everything (I actually kept my emotions hidden most of the time, so I thought this was not fair)

- I am a very hands on involved mum, but he's said a few times he is doing both roles (mum and dad), if kids got a cold he was asking me if I I was letting them out without a jacket, or at some point yelled at me when our son fell, if he can't even leave me alone with the kids for one second (as many mums, I was alone with the kids plenty so it was BS).

- he answers his phone shouting WHAT even though I call him like twice a month only. I've asked him to be nicer when I call but he starts shouting he doesn't have time for this.

- then on a random day he says maybe we should get married, without any emotions, just as in let's get this out of the way (obviously I sad no, he didn't seem to care either way)

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And these are just some examples. I've told him I want to leave couple of times and he just said oh stop we are doing just fine. He completely denies we are not well together, which is shocking because most times we don't even talk. He does not really spend time with me. He is ok with people in general though, a bit introverted but nothing in particular.

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Why I think he is not a narcissist:

- if I get sick he will look after the kids and let me rest, make tea etc

- he is a very involved dad, he is great with the kids

- he is really selfessly helpful with my parents that are getting old and need some help.

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I don't know what to think but I am in a dark place. Either way we should not stay together, but a narcissist? I kept thinking I am a liar and I just made him sound like that.

Hi everyone. I am going through a really difficult time and I'd appreciate your advice. We are not officially married though, I hope it's not an issue posting here.

We are in our early-mid 40s. We met in our 30s so we had kids quite late. I will not go into details because this post would be too long, but I want to leave. It's not an overnight impulsive decision, but a really scarry one. Please don't advice couple counselling, not only he refuses, we are also well past that.

Anyway, we live in a house with his parents, our own entrance. So when I leave, I get nothing (this is a fact, I know the law regarding this). I will be financially stuck paying either rent or a huge bank loan, but that's on me for being naive.

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How to we manage the kids? It's messy because I cannot afford this area, it's too expensive. But moving further will ruin sharing the kids 50-50, because it would be too far from school.

In case one parent having majority custody, it gets tricky, because our son, who is autistic (high functioning) is extremly attached to his dad and his grandparents here, and he loves the country life, so it would not be in his best interest to move him with me.

And my daughter is very much attached to me. It would be damaging to her to stay here without me. She is a girly girl that just wants to be with me all the time.

So if I take the kids, it would not be a the best of interest of my son, and if dad takes them, not for my daughter.

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So is really the only solution here me staying? It breaks my heart a million times every day.

I met my partner 12 years ago and I was so in love with him I missed all the warning signs that we are very different people. Our kids are 7 and 9. We had our first kid when we were renting, our property situation changed because we had to move out, and we had issues finding a new place. It was his home town and he wouldn't move to a different one, plus he was pushing me a lot to move to his parents house and I always said no because it was too isolated. As we couln't find a new place in time, I finally said yes, and it was a mistake that I think ruined my life. The deal was only temporary because I didn't believe it was good for the kids to be in isolated rural place (no public transport, no shops or other kids near by...).

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As soon as we moved here things changed. He wouldn't even talk about getting our own place like we planned, if I ask he ignores me, gives me silence. I think he forgot I am human. No more spending time with me (not even quick coffee or a tv show in the evening), nothing. We never went on a date, he refuses and I asked him many many times. I take the kids to parks etc alone he would never join us, we never sit at the dining table together.

He does spend time with the kids a lot when we are home, he is fine as a dad, but never with me. If I do somethig he disagrees with he does this loud sigh, fo example if I open a window he just closes in silence looking annoyed, if I put AC on in the car he just turns it off with big sigh. He ruins my plans (example I set up suger free diet for kids and he brings home donouts). He excludes me from his family plans (for example work around the house is planned for everybody but he doesn't tell me, but I've asked him so many times to let me know). I have no idea what I've done to him to deserve this, I think about this a lot.

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I went from crying to not caring so much to now feeling like I hate him and I can't help it. I tried talking to him but he actualy claims we are fine together (which is so weird) and he would not go to counseling. I told him I want to leave and he just doesn't take it seriously or understands.

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Our son is autistic (9yo, high functioning) and has behavioural issues (a lot). He hits us sometimes and my daughter is sometimes afraid of him. He can also be really sweet, but if he get's agressive it's a lot. We are seing professionals. My partner will not talk about this with me. He has shouted at me when I tried to push for conversation. He will openly discuss it with doctors, but never me. I think he hates me but I don't know why.

My son and his dad spend a lot of time together doing guy stuff and my son highly prefers him over me, and my son also likes the quiet of a rural place, but my daughter would definitely thrive more in a less isolated area. It's usualy him and my son doing things together, and me and my daughter doing our own thing. I try to mix it up a bit so we all get bonding time, but we never do anything as a whole family. I stopped asking because my "partner" just wasn't interested.

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I want to leave so bad. I am dying inside. And I feel horrible for my daughter. Seperating the kids is not best option for sibling bond (in case my son stays here with his dad and I move with my daughter), but taking my son with me would not be best for him, because he loves it here. I also cannot afford property in this location so I would have to go to another area, which would complicate school stuff which leaves out sharing the kids 50-50.

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So I am stuck here like prison. I hate coming home from work every day.

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What would you do? I am in such bad place. Am I stuck? Is this what I've done with my life? I am in my early 40s so options are rare, I am not young anymore and I feel like I've thrown it all away.