u/MeasurementSilver441

Having paid hundreds of pounds for No 1 Court tickets obtained in the ballot, the tennis was superb.

The site and general experience was a shambles. Unless you paid extortionate money again for a booked restaurant there was standing room only.

Having to sit on the ground or steps as every available seat is taken wss bad planning and you can't even sit down for a coffee.

They sell too many grounds tickets to the extent that no one can siit down anywhere and it was an utter shambles.

Me (37f) and my partner (38m) habe been together 3 years.

I weigh 76kg (167lbs) and I am.female.

My BMI is nearly 28.

My ideal weight is 50.5 to 68kg

I'd like to lose at least ten kilos and be 66kg (145lbs)

I have previously got down to 60kg but that was a few years ago and my starting point was only 71kg.

I was exposed to disordered eating patterns in childhood and in adulthood. Both my mother and my sister had anorexia and were feeders. They competitively starved with each other to see who could eat the least and fought very badly over it. Neither one of them wanted to be seen to be eating something that the other wasn't.

I was the only one in the family who didn't have an eating disorder and so the feeding worked. They could offer me extra food, and I would eat it. My sister would steal money from our moms wallet to buy me extra food including chocolate and sweets, and I would always eat it.

I got overweight due to rhe extra food my sister stole and then lost it with my final growth spurt- my weight adjusted to my height at th3 end of childhood.

I got a bit overweight in my early thirties, and now i'm in my late thirties.It's difficult to shift. My sister has always encouraged me to eat more, but then she taunts me horribly for being overweight and calls me fat and a pig and all other sorts of names.

Neither one of them are in my life.Anymore because mother is dead and I don't speak to my sister anymore but I still don't know when to quit sometimes with eating.

My partner is of absolutely no help whatsoever and I have gained ten kilos since i've been with him. He's all gained a lot of weight as he's prone to overeating. He encourages my tendency to overeat and snack on sweet things. He says he's worried i will starve when i'm quite clearly not underweight.

Whenever I say, I want to lose weight.And I want his support, he says, i'm going to feed you more, and he says, i'm going to sit on you and put cream buns in your mouth. He just says, he is overweight, too, and he doesn't accept that my weight is a problem.

We don't live together so I don't have his influence on a daily basis about my food.But where does one start in losing Weight. I only seem to lose weight when I literally eat about a thousand calories a day and that's hardly sustainable.

I don't normally eat breakfast. Even as a child going to kindergarten my mother could not make me eat it. I am not hungry first thing in the morning

My bf makes a huge breakfast and then wants to eat again a couple of hours later at lunch. He takes us out for lunch at weekends and he just wont leave me alone with food. He makes comments on what I eat or dont eat. He says i need to gain weight when my BMI is 2 points away from being obese. I also have a hormonal condition for which I've been advised to lose weight and ive gained more.

I do find that a weekend st his and a date night undoes any good I do during the days I dont see him.

How to handle?

Tldr - my partner wont support my need and desire to lose weight and says I have eating disorders like my family and mentions giving me more food and making me fatter when I discuss I want to be healthier. He comments on when I dont want to eat and accuses me of starving myself and being a masochist when I am literally just nor hungry.

Everybody sets boundaries in relationships.But does the person you're setting a boundary with need to know?It's a boundary, or is it enough that they know or have seen from your behaviour that you're not tolerating something.

I had an issue kick off who is my partner over a job he was applying for. Which would put him in a different city to me and may make it more difficult for us to meet in the evenings. Having midweek date nights is a big part of our relationship.

He told me about the job by text message.

I asked if he would want to work there and he said yes and that he didn't envisage it being a problem for us. I said, ok bit might cause issues if he is working late.

He never mentioned job again. I caught him applying for it secretly behind my back. he said he knew I was angry about it (untrue) and he was going to wait and see if he got it and then do a big reveal and laugh and say he got it anyway.

This was all before he had even had a first interview so it was just an application.

I thought we moved on from it. He was applying for the job and that was that. i found out a few days later that he was still lying to me and that he had actually had a first interview in the diary and hadn't told me.

On a date night out, he was nasty to me.I tried to discover what was wrong.

I findly said, what's going on here at that point he exploded and said, yes.I am angry with you.I was really interested in that job.And I got no support from you all you cared about was yourself.

i just said to him I just queried, if we would still be able to meet midweek which is a legitimate concern.

He screamed, shouted and swore at me after that - In public, which is where we were after the date and said all I cared about was my bloody self. He said he had got an interview. And that he was going to keep lying to me about it and if he got it throw it in my face.

He then finally got in contact to make amends, and we met. And he was tearful and remorseful and we made up about it, but what he wanted me to do was just completely forget, he behaved that way and ignore his behaviour.

He did get the job but I have offered no congratulations nor have I.Celebrated with him. that's my boundary.

We finally got to the point where i've said to him.It's not the job I have a problem with.It is his egregious behaviour over it. i cannot ignore that.

The boundary i'm setting is he chose to lie about the job he chose to scream and swear at me so now i'm not interested in hearing about it.

I don't ask him any questions. when he talks about it.I don't really reply. He knows why. He doesn't really talk about it with me now and he's not getting my support. he would have had he not lied to me about it.

i was the last person to know in his life and I am his partner. he told all his family and he told all his friends and he lied to me about it.

Im enforcing a boundary- i cannot let him get away with that.

He has shown great remorse.And is very upset that I won't celebrate the job with him.But it has to stick.

For me, just pretending this didn't happen.And supporting him anyway and celebrating the new job with him just shows to him that he can lie to me and treat me badly and i'll still be okay and celebrate with him.

Does he need to know i've put that boundary in place? He knows I don't want to celebrate the job because of his behaviour.

the alternative is setting an example whereas if I just ignore this behaviour and pretend it didn't happen and celebrate with him anyway, then he'll feel it's okay to lie to me again because he'll get away with it.

The job doesn't start for a few more weeks.

I am from a very working class background. I suffered extreme poverty as a child. We would often run out of food at the weekend until my mother would collect the welfare on Mondays.

We frequently had electricity disconnected. We were homeless a few times.

I wont go into the whys and the hows but if my mother had bothered to get a job, things wouldnt have been so bad. But she didnt bother to work and lived off welfare. My dad wasn't around.

I pulled myself up by my boot straps out of it and did well in school, and went to university and came out with 3 degrees (undergraduate and 2 post graduates) and now I am in a top profession and I earn good money.

I am able to afford a life style for myself that was out of touch and something I could barely imagine as a young person.

I have nice clothes, holidays abroad and never struggle to pay my bills.

Thing is I still think of my roots. I have standards now of living that I wouldnt want to be without. I have standards of things I wont accept in terms of relationships and other stuff.

I sometimes catch myself thinking I shouldn't have these standards, who do I think I am - look where I came from. As I was raised with next to nothing I sometimes feel I shouldn't have standards and should be more humble.

But one of my friends said I shouldn't feel that way. She said the poverty of my childhood is a memory and now I am in a top profession and in a top company, I have every right to have standards. She said for want of a better word you are "posh." I dont feel it though. How do I reconcile the poverty of my upbringing to now. Has anyone felt this?

In the context of a romantic relationship. Been together 3.5 years.

Had a huge row over something he started. His behaviour was disgraceful with things he said and the way he behaved. He's acknowledged and accepted that.

Thing is, I can let it go and move forward but I dont think I can forgive it.

Is it really essential to forgive and can one just move forward and put it behind me without forgiveness.

My partner lied about a job move, shouted at me late at night, and now says I’m “not supportive”.

My partner wanted to leave his job because he’s unhappy. Fine.

He’s been offered another one, but it’s in a location that means he’s no longer living or working near me. We currently both work in the same city so we can meet after work.But our homes are in different counties. we would see each other during the week.And already have plans in the diary.But I think it will make it more difficult to meet during the week and there will be times where it won't happen. It would be more difficult to meet midweek because if he’s working late he won’t be able to get into the city at a reasonable time.

For context: we’re both in our 30s We’re exclusive, committed, and have been together for several years. But we have no plans to live together or have children and i am fine with that. I've never wanted children needs neither does he. But when we already don’t live together, the last thing I want is him taking a job which makes it even harder to meet.

what happened

1. *He put feelers out by text only.* He told me where the job was and that he had the right experience, but didn’t sound enthusiastic. I thought he wasn’t bothered. My reply was mild: i said it might make it more difficult for us to meet midweek. That was it and that was all I said.
2. *He left it there and I assumed nothing came of it. But what happened is he hid the application and interview process.* His reason was “in case I didn’t get it, no point potentially upsetting you”. But he _did_ get it. So I would’ve only found out after he’d already accepted. I caught him applying because he was doing it on his laptop in the lounge while I was there. He said it was “admin”. I raised it at dinner and asked why he was hiding it. He admitted he hadn’t told me and looked embarrassed. But he still didn’t mention he already had a first interview booked. He kept lying even after I’d found out he’d applied.

3 *It came to a head on a date.* He was distant all night. Short, snappy, contemptuous, rude, dismissive, downright nasty. I was close to walking away and questioning if I ever wanted to see him again. I finally asked what was wrong. He said I’d done something wrong and he’d tell me: he was excited about the job and I wasn’t being “supportive enough”. Then he revealed he had an interview the next day. So he’d kept lying, then blamed me for not being interested in something he’d concealed that I didn't actually know about. I hadn’t criticised the job at all.

He said some hurtful things too. When I defended myself and showed him the text I’d actually sent, he called me a “smart ass" and told me to “stuff my bloody evidence”. He never took that back. Later he said he thought it was pretty funny and never apologised for it.

*After that:* We barely spoke for a few days. His behaviour was so bad I nearly didn’t give him the courtesy of a breakup. He asked to meet and talk. He was emotional, kind, and seemed to regret it. We made up.

But I didn’t want to discuss the job. I was still hurt by how I’d been treated over almost nothing. He took that as proof I had a “massive problem” with the job. It wasn’t the job. It was how he handled it: lying, then screaming, shouting and swearing at me . I needed time to process it. He kept saying he was right and I was just being difficult.

He got the job. I gave a basic congratulations and left it there. I don’t feel like celebrating or talking about it.

My view is his behaviour over this job has been disgraceful. He chose to misinterpret what I had said, which was just a legitimate concern about us meeting during the week and he lied to me and concealed it from me and shouted at me over it. Now that means I am now not interested in hearing about it.

*The bottom line for me:* I’m not angry about the job. It’s not career-defining and is actually a step down from what he has now. That’s his choice. I’m upset about the lying and the contempt.

Now he wants me to move on and “support him”. He’s hurt I wouldn’t celebrate with him.

I would have supported him if he’d been upfront, hadn’t hidden it, and hadn’t blown up at me. If he’d behaved like a grown adult and discussed it in person, including concerns about meeting midweek, I would have been fine with it.

I don’t want to give him retrospective cheerleading after the way I’ve been treated. We’re at a stalemate: he says I had a problem with the job all along. I say it’s not the job, it’s how he handled it.

How do you support someone when it comes after hiding things from you and shouting at you?

*TL;DR: Partner accused me of being against a new job he had applied for, which wasn’t true. He lied to me about it, screamed and shouted at me over it, and treated me with contempt. Now he wants my support after the way he’s treated me.*