i ate about >!1000!< above my >!tdee!< and it didn't kill me. i mechanically ate and adjusted my plate to where my hunger sees fit and it felt freeing almost. my goal now is to keep this going for a week!! i've tried to do this but i struggled... i am being gentle with myself..! (^^)
i haven't intentionally looked at a nutrition label in about 4 days. i did today and i opened my cal calculator app afterwards. it's taking a lot out of me to not open my thinspo pinterest board and go back to my old ways. i started college and it's really taking a toll on my mental health; i feel so drained. after a dr's visit (got a cbc & discussed my diet), i set up a meal plan for myself and i've been following it to the best of my ability, portioning to where i see fit and eating until i'm full. but i feel like a bottomless pit sometimes, i eat my plate and i'm full and then 5 mins pass and i'm so hungry. i haven't stepped on the scale in a long time but i feel like i just have to. i haven't, but eating restrictively feels so comfortable and i miss eating such little and seeing the number go down on the scale. i feel like i've gained weight over 4 days and i don't want to gain weight. i'm so scared of it, i feel like the world will end if i do. advice is appreciated thanks
i remember growing up with a round face and chubby cheeks. i remember my family pinching my cheeks between their fingers and telling me how cute i was. these chubby cheeks followed me into high school. i was about 16 when they finally left my face. finally. now my face shape is clearer and i'm not stuck being called 'cute' all the time.
i've got my first girlfriend around this time. however, i've been single for 4 years now. i haven't been kissed for 4 years. i haven't been touched for 4 years. sexually nor romantically. i want someone to tell me how beautiful i am. how seductive i am. how sexy i am. i want a woman to tell me i'm the prettiest girl she's ever laid her eyes on. i feel like it's been so long since i've felt complete love and devotion. i've done the inner healing, i'm emotionally intelligent; i'd like to think that if i was a different girl, that i'd date myself. not in a cocky way, but in the way that i'd be happy to have a passionate lover like me. that is the goal, right? to improve yourself so much that you'd want to date yourself?
it's been 4 years since i've been in a relationship and i've done the healing. i've done the work on the inside. i've done the shadow work. but what haven't i done?
i haven't worked on myself from the outside. i think i have great style, but what about my body? have i even considered that i'm huge and that's why women don't want me? have i considered that i need to change the way my face looks when i frown or smile? have i considered that i'm not skinny enough?
i don't know why i believe it, but i believe that if i eat under 650 calories, a beautiful woman will come into my life and tell me that i'm all she's ever asked for. that i'm the most beautiful girl and she wants to keep me forever. that i'm so perfect and sexy and i'm the shape she wants in her grasp.
and when we're together, i'll eat 250 calories to keep her. i can't let all of this hard work go to waste. if i start eating again, i will lose her. i've been eating 650 calories for 3 weeks and i've lost many pounds. i will finally meet the woman of my dreams, and listen to her voice call me sexy.
edit: thank you for your kind words. i feel the need to clarify some particular things. i'm not necessarily obsessing over the way that i look. i'm obsessing over the control that i have over the way that i look. i've internalized chubby cheeks as being 'cute'. i've been 'cute' all my life with a round face and baby fat that didn't leave until i was in highschool. if i want to be sexy (which i've never felt this feeling) then i need to control the way i look and restrict my calorie intake to lose the rest of the fat that i have.
i've been 120lbs/54kg for the majority of my tween/teenhood. seeing the number on the scale go down more and more everyday feels so rewarding. i remember being worried about being 119lbs when i was younger, but now i accept it and eat less so the next day the number will be lower.
i know i've relapsed. i've experienced odd eating habits before. i've gotten over them before but it feels more impactful and important now. i genuinely believe this will work for some reason. my logical brain knows it's useless but my emotional heart is still grasping on to the 'what if's'. i've been single for so long and i've always dreamed of having and giving love. apologies for any confusion...