u/Miahkoco332

F18
I’m actually kinda scared not even kinda really because I’ve had sex twice with this guy he wasn’t that crazy rough but this time he was and I’ve never bled from sex not even my first time but now I’m bleeding and it’s been 8hrs im still bleeding and a little bit sore. I can’t tell if I’m bleeding from the inside but I think I am and there definitely a tear that keeps bleeding anytime I move or use the bathroom.

It’s not a lot of blood like toilet filling but it’s not a little in my opinion. It’s spotting and leaving a line of blood when I use the bathroom. I had taken a bath with Dr broners and napped but I’m worried. Should I try and go to a youth clinic?? No one knows I’m sexually active and I don’t wanna be scard or get an infection do I use alcohol??
Do I have to wait for the tear to heal before having sex again?

Sometimes I wake up and then I have to go to school
But I randomly start uncontrollably crying without any reason. This is the 5th time I’ve been sent home for this and it’s like a humiliation ritual. I don’t know what to do or how to stop it.
When I was younger like 7-10 I would do the same thing but it went away for a couple years and now it’s back and it’s so weird and really like a nuisance

How do I stop thissss???

It’s so embarrassing because everyone is confused and even I’m confused because I don’t have a reason to cry but for some reason I’m just bawling randomly

I’ve always struggled with depression and having bad mood swings where I lock myself up but lately it’s really bad.
I’ve always been a honors student but now I’m failing all my classes, I’ve smoked, drank, hung out with friends,
Gotten allowance done everything but I feel so empty
Like I always do. Nothing ever changes nothing gets better. I even started therapy because of my mom getting worried.

But the crazy thing is, is that I’m not suicidal anymore I just stopped caring about anything. I’m ruining my own life but I can’t get out of bed I can’t stand talking to people I have crazy highs and lows like I’m so depressed one week then I’m crazy happy and love my life then I’m depressed again 10x worse for two weeks then I’m happy again. It’s a constant back and forth and I’m tired of fighting for a life I don’t even want.
I keep breaking down In school, it’s embarrassing, I cry in public or get anxious about everything. I’d rather stay inside and do nothing.

I have so many absences it’s genuinely became a legal issue for my mom and I know it’s selfish and everyone tells me only I can make myself happy or that I need to kill myself or get over it but everything is temporary and nothing works I’m done trying because it ends the same, it doesn’t matter what environment I’m in because I feel the same constantly. I want to give up I don’t even want to, this is me giving up. I gave up on myself because I’ll never get better ever since I was 6 I’ve felt sad and inferior to Eveyone around me like I was just some thing watching Eveyone from outside a window while they lived their lives but I was stuck on the outside always there but never involved or wanted.

Everytime someone cares it’s like I feel like it’s fake and everytime someone likes me I push them away because I know I ghost and I go quiet. I can’t have anyone to myself I don’t even feel connected to myself so how can I try.
Everything is a challenge, opening my eyes is a challenge and I’m just going to give in instead of try and “feel better” how can you even push yourself out of that empty state of mind if it happens every other day. If it’s a lingering feeling in the back of your head, if none of your hobbies make you happy anymore.

I’m done trying, I’m giving in.